Friday, May 30, 2014

NRL 2014 - Round 12: Who Cares? We won!

NSW managed to sneak home in the first State of Origin match on Wednesday in a hard-fought, often controversial and pretty fucking good game of league.  This takes the NSW win tally up to one-in-a-row, and has given anyone with a hint of a sky-blue jumper in their wardrobe the confidence to claim themselves as the greatest warriors in history, completely unbreakable, monumentally unbeatable and totally flawless in all athletic endeavours.

So I guess we’ll see in a few weeks’ time how the Blues overreact to winning an entire game of football.  In my learned opinion, this is their best chance to finally get that legendary series victory – and I’m not saying that I’m awesome or whatever, I’ll let the media do that for me, but I did predict that last year would be the final year of QLD’s reign, and the NSW dominance was going to begin (probably for about three or four years).  I would link to that prediction, but I’m lazy and couldn’t be fucked going through all of my shitty blog posts.  Anyway, this is their best chance for two reasons:  the QLD team is getting past their prime – there’s only so long you can keep a bunch of dickheads together; and everyone is injured.  Cronk broke his arm, Slater did his ankle, Cam Smith went down in sympathy, Nate Myles fractured his hand, and Daly Cherry-Evans was a victim of peer injury pressure. 

The injuries could count as a blessing though – it gives QLD a chance to get some new players in there.  No offence to the ageing Maroons team, but they’re getting a bit fucking old.  The QLD forwards are so old that they don’t just pack a scrum, they pack a straw hat, a box of tissues and a cardigan in case it gets cold.  The Queensland backline is so old that they carry photos of Corey Parker’s first 1st grade game in their wallets to show strangers on the bus. 

It’s also good because everyone on the Queensland team has had their head so far up their own arse for way too long – except for Nate Myles, of course; that forehead wouldn’t fit through the gates at DisneyWorld. 

Last Origin point (maybe) - what was the deal with the Channel 9 introduction for each player?  “Jarryd Hayne enjoys playing X-Box and listening to U2.  He is currently single.  Darius Boyd collects ceramic frogs and is afraid of the dark.  Michael Jennings lived in a housing estate and had to dance for money as a child.”  Fuck that, this is not The Voice, and no one gives a fuck about what makes Robbie Farah chub up.  Just give us some stats, tell us his Origin story and fuck off. 

Round 12

Fuck knows, really.  Who’s playing and who’s not is going to be a mystery from here on in, and every team is going to change right up til kick-off.  Just put all the teams in a hat and draw them out.

Penrith Panthers vs Parramatta Eels
Sydney Roosters vs Canberra Raiders
Nth Queensland Cows vs Melbourne Storm
New Zealand Warriors vs Newcastle Knights
Brisbane Broncos vs Manly Sea Eagles
South Sydney Rabbitohs vs St George Illawarra Dragons

Seems that the Daily Telegraph was also pretty shocked that New South Wales had a win

Friday, May 23, 2014

NRL 2014 Round 11: The weekend where no one cares

In case you hadn’t heard, the State of Origin series begins next week, which basically means that nothing else matters in rugby league except for words like “pride”, “passion” and “fucking Slater”.  It’s a time of the year when the rugby league world literally revolves around Phil Gould as he stands underneath some goalposts and explains the history of the discovery of the colour "maroon".  It’s the time of year when you begin to believe in the hype that being from either Queensland or New South Wales gives you different qualities of inner strength; a greater outlook on life and a more focussed sense of self to… play… football.  It’s that time of year that you think, “Thank fuck they left Mitchell Pearce out of this game.” 

Thanks to NSW being so terrible since 2006, most Queenslanders can now count to eight, although it is worrying to think that if the dominance continues for four more years, they will run out of fingers to count on. 

Round 11:

It’s a bit of a clusterfuck to tip, and it will be while “The Spirit of Artie Beetson contest” goes on for the next two months, so it’s a lottery as to who will play and who will win – even more so than the start of the 2014 season. 

Canterbury Bulldogs vs Sydney Roosters
Gold Coast Titans vs New Zealand Warriors
Wests Tigers vs           Brisbane Broncos
Cronulla Sharks vs South Sydney Rabbitohs

Game of the Round

Canberra Raiders vs Nth Queensland Cowboys

Due to the glorious game of “Greg Inglis vs NSW”, we’ve got a split round this week.  Due to the glorious game of “Every Queenslander has a heart the size of Pharlap”, most of the good players are missing from their respective team.  This means that the Raiders might even crack a win.  I’ve tipped them, so you know it’s serious.  

This is still my favourite Origin photo.  It has the passion of jumper pulling, the emotion of pashing Terry Hill and the hair of Laurie Daley

Friday, May 16, 2014

NRL 2014 Round 10: Pearce is a wanker

This week saw the perennial NSW halfback do his very best to do the exact thing that all NSW fans and supporters wanted – get kicked out of Origin selection.  He may not have been entirely smart about the way he did it though, but then, being a football player, and being from Bondi will probably help in doing things the “not entirely smart way,” and he decided to go out on the turps all day, go to a nightclub, touch up some lovely young thing, get thrown out by the bouncers and then get arrested by the po-po.

I mean, thanks and all Mitchell Pearce, but you probably could have just claimed a “torn pectoral” or “an eyelash went in my eye” and you could have avoided dragging the NRL through the shit.  Again.

The possibility of not having Mitch Pearce in the NSW team was then upended by the suspension of Greg Bird, who was found guilty of being a complete twat as well as the slightly more serious offence of spear-tackling some other dickhead last weekend. 

I don’t like Greg Bird, and I don’t think he’s quite the great white hope that people think he is.  Others may disagree, but they’re wrong. 

Round 10

The game that’s got me a bit excited is the Bunnies vs Storm match, which should be a cracker.  Although I think I’ve found the greatest flaw in the South Sydney defence, which is big ol’ Greg Inglis.  If I was Cameron “Super Grub” Smith, Cooper “What?” Cronk or even Billy “Fucking Kill Me Now” Slater, I’d kick it to him at every opportunity.  High kicks or low, he’s got the ball handling skills of a lesbian.

South Sydney Rabbitohs vs Melbourne Storm
North Queensland Cowboys vs Sydney Roosters
Canterbury Bulldogs vs New Zealand Warriors
Cronulla-Sutherland Sharks vs Wests Tigers
Brisbane Broncos vs Gold Coast Titans
Parramatta Eels vs St George-Illawarra Dragons
Manly-Warringah Sea Eagles vs Newcastle Knights

Game of the Round

Canberra Raiders vs Penrith Panthers

I actually forgot to put my tips in last week.  HOW RETARDED AM I, RIGHT?  I figured making such a stupid error could have put me right up there to coach the Raiders, or play for the Raiders, or own the Raiders or something.  Turns out, I just did really poorly with my tips.  The Raiders didn’t seem too interested in my retardedness, claiming that they had it already in spades. 

That is true.

Here are some stats about the current coach of the Raiders, Ricky Stuart (courtesy of Twitter person Andrew Ferguson (@AndrewRLP)).  There are no jokes or snide remarks in the following list.
  •        Since 2009, Ricky Stuart coached sides have only won back to back games once (Cronulla in 2009 won 4 straight games (they won 5 that year)).
  •          Ricky Stuart as coach since 2009: 18 wins, 56 losses, For 1097, Against 1951
  •          Since 2009: Ricky Stuart coached sides have lost, conceding 30-39 points 15 times, 40-49 points 7 times and 50+ points 7 times 
  •          Ricky Stuart coached sides have conceded 50+ points in a game 6 times in their last 30 games 
  •          Since 2009, Ricky Stuart coached sides have won 18 games and lost 56. 29 of those losses have seen his sides concede 30+ points 
  •          This is the first time the Raiders have had back to back losses conceding 50+ points since 2006, when they lost 70-32 v NEW & 56-20 v SYD

I’m not saying that Ricky is shit, but… no, I am saying that.  He really is shit.  It’s a massive pity, because he was an awesome player, and I think better than Allan Langer – To me, a totally unbiased fan of league, Stuart had the better kicking game, better defence, better passing game, better vision and better mullet. 

All Langer had was a decent short kicking game and a face like a busted arse.

I’ve lost my train of thought.  GO RAIDERS.

Nothing impresses me more than a poorly Photoshopped image of Josh Dugan and Benji Marshall.  

Friday, May 09, 2014

NRL 2014 Round 9: Back to it

We’re back after a week off, which has given our boys time to get drunk, beat people up, be involved in sex scandals, leave their current team, sign with eight others, and in the case of one particular fuckwit, not sign with anyone to “increase drama” or “maximise impact.”  Fuck off, Benji, YOU’RE NOT THAT GOOD AND NO ONE LIKES YOU NOT EVEN YOUR MUM.   

We’re at the part of the year when everyone actually starts trying to win a game of footy, not because it’s round 9 and the team is struggling, or needs to cement themselves at the top of the table, it’s so they can be a part of the State of Origin team.  When there’s a sky blue jersey on the table, who knows what could happen?  Probably nothing, especially if you’re Mitchell Pearce, who Laurie Daley has given an “automatic selection” to.  No one in the history of the world knows why, but the most popular theory is beer flavoured nipples. 

Round 9

It’s a bit of a dick-scratcher again this week with a few tips, but I’m going to do the smart thing and analyse each game closely, taking into account statistical anomalies, player percentages, missed tackle counts, head-to-head rankings, injury reports and betting odds.  Then I’m going to put the outcomes of those against the patented Mister Evil Breakfast Sport-Result-Pick-O-Meter, which classes teams into “SHIT” and “NOT AS SHIT” and we’ll go from there.

The patented Mister Evil Breakfast Sport-Result-Pick-O-Meter.  It's patented.  

Turns out the Roosters aren’t as shit as the Tigers (only just), the Cows aren’t as bad as the horses (again, it was a close shit fight), the Bunnies will poo on the Titans, the Storm are the shittest, and everyone knows how bad Penrith, St George and the Sharks are.   

Sydney Roosters vs Wests Tigers
Nth Queensland Cowboys vs Brisbane Broncos
Gold Coast Titans vs South Sydney Rabbitohs
Melbourne Storm vs Manly Sea Eagles
Newcastle Knights vs Penrith Panthers
St George Illawarra Dragons vs Canterbury Bulldogs
Parramatta Eels v Cronulla Sharks

Game of the Round

New Zealand Warriors vs Canberra Raiders

Canberra were well and truly fucked on the last time they played – luckily it seems like it has been about eighteen years since then (it hasn’t), and everyone has forgotten how bad they are.  Well, everyone except for the Warriors, most likely.  It has been rumoured that coach Sticky Stuart is up to his old tricks and has dumped his starting forward pack to reserve grade – it didn’t work at Parra, but by gosh it might just work here – where what he really needs to do is give Terry Campese a massive boot up the arse.  What the fuck was he doing in the last game?  If I was the coach (which I should be), I’d have pulled him off quicker than Konrad Hurrell’s girlfriendand sent him home to think about what he’d done (or hadn’t done) and taken away his Playstation and iPhone. 

I have never seen such a half-arsed, defeated performance since… well, the last time the Raiders were mashed.

In any case, the Raiders have my THIS TIP CANNOT GO WRONG, DICKHEADS tip of the round, because the Warriors have been playing well the last few weeks, and since they’re the Warriors, that’s the last thing they’ll do this week. 

It’s science, trust me.  

Friday, May 02, 2014

NRL 2014: No Games This Weekend THANK GOD

With the ANZAC (kind of) Test match on tonight, it has been deemed sensible to cancel the rest of the regular NRL games this week, and it’s not a moment too soon, in my opinion.  What a clusterfuck this year has been so far – this might just give me enough time to get my tips in order, or for someone to find the Canberra Raiders, who last week were all kidnapped and replaced with pod people who looked quite similar to regular people, but lacked knowledge of how to possess the football, how to form a defensive line, and enjoyed looking decidedly aimless.

The last round of footy also saw twenty-five players added to the injury list, including Jarryd Hayne, James Maloney, Michael Jennings, Todd Carney, Jamie Lyon, Glenn Stewart and Braith Anasta.  Seriously, twenty-five players injured, and not one fuck to be given anywhere.

The ANZAC Test has caused a smidge of controversy with the Kiwis opting to pick a team full of people who have “heard about rugby league, but not seen it played as yet.”  The Australians decided to match the NZ team by picking players from the Melbourne Storm. 

In other sporting news from around the country, Geoff Huegill this week unveiled his weight-loss secret, while fellow swim star Stephanie Rice kept us on the edge of our seats by announcing her retirement.  I can’t wait to hear what she’s actually retired from, or which celebrity reality show she’ll be appearing on next.  Ian Thorpe has some kind of problem – X-Rays revealed his head has been too far up his own arse for too long, while Grant Hackett is struggling to stay relevant, so has opted to use the controversial Matthew Newton strategy to keep his name in the headlines. 

I wish I had some AFL news to report, but there’s still absolutely nothing happening in the game at all.  Possibly someone kicked a behind, I’m not sure.  I watched the AFL Footy Show last night, and all I could gather was that someone has been given the actual role within their team to sledge the opposition, and a ruckman is teaching another ruckman how to ruck.  Then the band Shepherd came on and I thought, “Oh yeah, I know them.”  Then I watched an episode of Archer that I had recorded the day before, and then I went to sleep.  Then Collingwood kicked another behind in the third.