Friday, August 31, 2012

Love in the Time of Canberra

So.  Fifty Shades of Grey is the new black eh?  Since Canberra is the most erotic place in the world (Paris is often described as “the poor man’s Canberra”), and I am the current world champion of eroticism, it only seems natural that Canberra Appreciation Month should get everyone’s nether regions a bit moist…

Feel the Power

Chapter 3:

It was a cold day in Canberra – colder than usual, and it was usually pretty cold.  It was cold enough that if you were to say, “It’s a cold day today; colder than usual,” people would tend to agree with you, even if they had already said it to three people that day and were starting to get sick of people commenting on how cold it was. 

Edmund wasn’t feeling the cold though; he was wearing his new ski jacket that he’d bought the week before during Kathmandu’s bi-weekly half-year 70% off everything except jackets sale.  He felt as warm as his computer’s hard drive when he left his computer logged on over the weekend, looked twice as good and moved half as fast.  As Edmund walked past a row of cubicles to get to his office, he heard Amber say, “It’s a cold day today; colder than usual.”  Just the sound of Amber’s voice made Edmund’s local member stand taller than Telstra Tower.  He wanted her more than Don Furner wanted a Raiders home final.  She had a voice as captivating as Haley Jensen from the first season of Australian Idol.  He had always thought that her beautiful tones would have been better used on Scotty and Nige’s breakfast radio show, but that would have been a disservice to her face, which had the elegant beauty of a sunset sky over Lake Ginninderra while people practiced kayaking.  Her body was also exquisite, but all-too often hidden beneath figure-hiding coats and jumpers, except on casual Fridays, in which it was hidden by her best Reebok sweater.  How Edmund longed for her body – her breasts reminded him of the beauty of the War Memorial; two of them, in fact.  Maybe they were photos of the War Memorial, laid side-by-side, with her identification badge swinging between them on the luckiest Departmental lanyard he knew.   

He could only dream of the warm pleasures that lay lower.  He imagined it would feel like stepping into the baby pool at the Erindale Leisure Centre, without the constant subconscious thoughts of bacteria and urine, and fear of stepping onto a submerged nappy.

Chapter 5:

They lay in a post-coital glow, like the one a supermarket gives off when it has closed but there’s still a display light on and you can see it from the car park when you drive in hoping to be able to pick up some bread for a sandwich for lunch the next day because you had a meeting over lunchtime and you weren’t sure if you would be able to get out of the office, even just down to the café underneath your building to get a ham and cheese roll for $7.30, and you just knew that no one had bothered organising corporate sandwiches for the meeting.  You’d even be hungry enough to eat the ones that had tuna in them, or the ones that had the consistency of Clag glue with small chunks of chewing gum in it.  But that supermarket was closed, and you pretty much knew that when you got in the car way past closing time (7:30pm) anyway.

“I’m hungry,” said Edmund, moving the bedsheet away so he could go to the kitchen. 
“Me too,” said Amber, with a glint in her eye, like the green Homeworld sign in Tuggeranong.  She wasn’t talking about food.  “I’m not talking about food though,” and she reached for Edmund’s hand, pulling him in the way a fisherman would pull a discarded shoe out of Lake Burley Griffin. 
“I’m really fucking hungry though,” thought Edmund.  “For food.”  But it was too late, as Amber had already enveloped him back within the King-size-doona-for-a-double-bed-that-made-it-a-bit-awkward-to-share that he had bought at Costco for $79, and their love-making was back on like discussions about a light-rail system connecting the Town Centres. 

Amber had wanted this for so long – her excitement of having Edmund in her bed was more than she felt for the 2013 Canberra Centenary celebrations, which she was sure would involve performances from Jessica Mauboy and three local Canberra bands, appearances from former Canberra Raiders players, current Canberra Raiders players, two ex-ACT Brumbies coaches and – most importantly – a grand fireworks display that turned the ACTEWAGL building into a silhouette if you stood in the right place and squinted at the right time.  Everything about Edmund was perfect; his “I used to play rugby in high school and made the 2nd XV” physique, his collection of cuff links and shirts that had cuff link holes in the sleeves, the way he didn’t wear a tie on Fridays, even the way he smelt like hand-sanitiser was alluring to her.  And as he made love to her like a drunk 19-year old would make love to the sheep statues outside the Subway restaurant in Civic, her dreams were being fulfilled.  Before long, his Sky Plaza erupted like the Captain Cook jet. 

At that moment, she wasn’t sexually satisfied, and he was still hungry.

Later, they spoke about people at work that they didn’t like and thought about having sex again, but didn’t because they had other things to do: he wanted to take his car to Car Lovers, and she had plans to meet a friend at the Limelight cinemas because each session was only $8.50.  It was a female friend though, so Edmund wasn't too bothered.  And he didn't want to go with her anyway because he'd already downloaded the film onto his laptop and secretly thought people who still went out to see movies were stupid.  He did intend on watching it later that night though, and the thought of seeing the same movie as Amber but in two different suburbs, separated only by the Parkway, was enough for him to get another erection.

NRL 2012 Round 26: Last Time Around

My computer is fucked, so I have no idea if this is going to work. 

The last round of the regular NRL season, the last day of Canberra Appreciation Month, the last day of winter, the Last Samurai, the Last Stand, the last last list I ever try and make up.  Oh wait, the last games of NRL for Hindmarsh, Burt, Young and Hornby.  People only really care about Hindmarsh though, as the other blokes are a bit “oh yeah, I think I know those guys.  Don’t really care too much though,” with the possible exception of Luke Burt, who is “oh yeah, I know him.  Boring bloke who plays on the wing, yeah?” 

It’s the last throw of the dice for the Broncos to squeeze into the top eight; something they probably don’t deserve to do, seeing as they’ve lost their last million games and haven’t even  been able to cheat their way out of tight situations.  But with a game against the Panthers, who will have their minds set firmly on which dress they’ll wear at Mad Monday celebrations, should be able to rack up what I figure to be their first victory of the season. 

The last game of the season also throws up a couple of pondering ponderments upon which to ponder, especially for those teams who have cemented themselves in the finals, and those who have cemented themselves in their own driveway.  Anything could happen with the Dogs and the Rooters, the Knights and the Bunnies, Titans & Manly, and the Tigers and the Storm.  I am going for the Cowbs to beat the Sharks, just because I don’t like the Sharks and hope they all catch syphilis.  For me, the greatest interest will be the “last game” last game for last gamers Hindy, Burt and the other blokes that no one rates.  Despite the Eels having claimed the spoon for 2012, I think they’ll get home on a parochial crowd and sheer determination.  Also, because the Dragons’ wheels have officially fallen off and nobody likes them.

Newcastle Knights vs  South Sydney Rabbitohs
Brisbane Broncos vs  Penrith Panthers
Gold Coast Titans vs  Manly Sea Eagles
Bulldogs vs Sydney Roosters
Wests Tigers vs Melbourne Storm
Sharks vs  North Queensland Cowboys
Parramatta Eels vs St George-Illawarra Dragons

New Zealand Warriors vs Canberra Raiders

It’s the last chance the Raiders will get to score themselves a finals appearance at ye olde Canberra Stadium.  They need to win against the Warriors who are at home, but that hasn’t really been a problem for most teams this year.  The Warriors have sacked their halves combination, which is a tactic that hasn’t worked for anyone in recent memory, and they’d be better off just picking 13 front-rowers to try and beat the Raiders into submission instead of passing the ball through the backline.  All the Raiders really need to do this week to notch up a win and the opportunity to play in front of Mister Evil Breakfast (me) is to keep kicking it towards Manu Vatevai.  Ever seen a drunken gorilla try and pick up a wet watermelon seed from the ground?  It’s not always pretty, but it is entertaining to watch. 

Raiders by a few dozen.

Some fans collect signatures. This fan collects body parts.

Thursday, August 30, 2012

Canberra Fact of the Day

People in Canberra have an in-built reflex to start talking about toilet paper whenever they hear the word Costco. 

Wednesday, August 29, 2012

On The (Dark, Dark) Road

Canberra Appreciation Month is slipping away faster than a hotted-up Excel (lowered, rims, No Fear sticker and Southern Cross seat covers) on the parkway (until the speed camera bits), so it’s time to celebrate some of the natural beauty of Australia’s capital city.

One of Canberra’s wonders of the modern age is Hindmarsh Drive, a naturally occurring road that links Weston Creek to Fyshwick.  So if you’re ever after some hardcore porn  on VHS and some Kingsley’s chicken, Hindy is your best bet (again, watch out for the speed cameras).

For years, scientists have studied Hindmarsh Drive, hoping to uncover its magical secrets that allow it to transform from a normal road during the day, to the darkest, most soul-sucking motorway in the history of everything everywhere.  Hindmarsh takes the light out of anything that dares to face it.  True fact: there are no fireflies in Canberra, because Hindmarsh Drive sucked the light out of them.  There are only flies. 

The fear of having the earth sucked into a black hole and destroyed forever is very, very real, and it is happening right now in Canberra.  Stephen Hawking can’t save us (or breathe on his own), so it’s up to us, the citizens of the capital, to fight the good fight and do what Bruce Willis did in Armageddon.  Do what that crazy drunk guy did in Independence Day.  What Leonardo di Caprio did in Titanic (other than Kate Winslet).  Do what Atreyu did in the Never Ending Story.  We need sacrifice to stop The Nothing from taking over Canberra's inner southern suburbs.

Or, you know, someone could just donk a couple of dirty great light poles along the sides of the road.  Either way.

Friday, August 24, 2012

NRL 2012 Round 25: Canberra's Frozen Mudwrestle Title Defense

Canberra Appreciation Month was in full swing for the Raiders last week, and they kept their finals chances alive with a 4 point thrashing of the Roosters.  It was a game smothered in lime-green controversy, with Josh Dugan’s vicious face-first tackle on Anthony Minichiello’s elbow putting “Mini” in doubt for his 250th game this weekend – thankfully, Mr Minichiello paid off was cleared by his uncle the tribunal and is set to carry on his merry way of being a sneaky little rat. 

The NRL also celebrated Canberra Appreciation Month with the news that Laurie “Groin Strain” Daley has been handed the coaching duties to the NSW Origin team for next year.  NSW are sticking to their “Mal Meninga used to play for the Raiders and now he’s a champion Origin coach” theory, and after giving Ricky Stuart a go for a few years, have decided that Lozz can have a crack at it too.  It’s a good time to be an ex-Raiders player.  Fuck it, Joel Monaghan might even get the call up by 2015.

It’s also a good time to be a current Raiders player (it’s usually a week-to-week thing), as they take on competition favourites, the Cannerbree Doggies tonight.  I’ve got that funny feeling that the Raiders are going to crack the top eight with a tough victory this week.  Also, it has been pissing rain for the last few days and it looks like it might snow today, and Canterbury appear to be leaving most of their good players at home.  Basically this means that the game will turn into the forward packs from each team belting each other senseless in the mud.  And when it comes to senseless belting, the Raiders are up there with the best in the world.  

In other NRL tips, I am VERY CROSS with the Souff Sinny Rabbidohs, as their inept performance last week cost me a perfect round.  Fuck you, Souths, you fucking fucks.  PS.  I’m still going to tip you this week.

I have a sneaking suspicion that the Warriors will find some elusive form and knock off the Dragons, and the Knights will put one over the Cowboys.  I’m not tipping them, but it could definitely happen.  Definitely.
Manly Sea Eagles vs Brisbane Broncos
Penrith Panthers vs Gold Coast Titans
St George-Illawarra Dragons vs New Zealand Warriors
North Queensland Cowboys vs Newcastle Knights
Sydney Roosters vs Wests Tigers
South Sydney Rabbitohs vs Parramatta Eels
Melbourne Storm vs Sharks

Game of the Round:
Canberra Raiders vs Bulldogs

I think I said enough about this game earlier.  You know, rain and snow and big, boofy blokes rolling around in the mud?  Yeah.  That’ll do.  WOO GO RAIDERS.

Blake Ferguson borrowed Batman's suit to try and keep warm.  I guess Mr Freeze is on the loose again.

Tuesday, August 21, 2012

Canberra Fact of the Day #201,953

Despite the Galaxy Nightclub using the same music playlist, décor and lighting as every other Canberra nightspot, it is the only club that actually promotes itself as having an ‘80s theme.’  They take pride in having the top three versions of “500 Miles” and “Run to Paradise” out of all the capital’s clubs.

Thursday, August 16, 2012

NRL 2012 Round 24: The Raiders Roll On

It has been a rough middle period for Canberra Appreciation Month, as the offical MEBCAM President (me) had his email, blog, Facebook page and motherfucking Twitter accounts hacked by some douche-canoe (most likely some jealous bastard from Sydney who envies his capital-dwelling peers for their good looks, charm and awesome views of trees).  As a result, my Canberra Appreciation has been confined to me climbing to the top of Telstra Tower and yelling “How good is Canberra?  Fucking brilliant, really!  The other day I drove around for two hours and didn’t get shot at!” and “There’s like eight entrances to Cooleman Court!  How fucking good is that?” and other excellent examples of why Canberra is so tops.  I think everyone in Canberra agreed with me – at least, I couldn’t hear anyone saying otherwise. 

So despite the attention of Julian Assange’s Internet Pirates, the blog must go on.  I can’t let Skynet control me.  Hopefully full MEBCAM access will be restored soon.

And the Canberra Raiders are shit-hot right now.  Hot enough that the other day I considered taking off my jumper.  But I didn’t; they’re not THAT hot.

Upset of the round will be the Panthers to sink a very unstable Warriors team.  Everything else should happen as per the program.  If it doesn’t, I’m going to punch some people (most likely professional rugby league players) right in the junk.

Brisbane Broncos vs Melbourne Storm
Bulldogs vs Wests Tigers
Sharks vs South Sydney Rabbitohs
New Zealand Warriors vs Penrith Panthers
Gold Coast Titans vs Parramatta Eels
Manly Sea Eagles vs Newcastle Knights
St George-Illawarra Dragons vs North Queensland Cowboys

Canberra Raiders vs Sydney Roosters

There’s absolutely no question here.  The The Mighty Glorious Canberra Motherfucking Raiders produced a great start to Canberra Appreciation Month at the start of the month, producing arguably their best game of the season to defeat the Brisbane Show Ponies.  The Green Machine produced fireworks on the field, which no doubt confused the Brisbane players with bright lights and loud noises.  They played so well that I wished I’d actually tipped them, instead of just pretending to.

And then they gave Penrith a royal Brett-Stewart-touch-up last week, somehow keeping their slim finals chances alive.  This week shouldn’t provide anything except a training run for the Green Machine, as the Roosters will be the speed bump to the Raiders… um… car, I guess.  I am no good with metaphors.  Or corkscrews. 

Reasons I don't play NRL #291: I don't like being kicked in the balls

Tuesday, August 07, 2012

MEBCAM 2012: The Olympic Dream and Lake Burley Griffin

Following Australia’s Olympic success in the “sport” of sailing (sitting on a boat sipping champagne is apparently an athletic event now), people all over the country are jumping into boats to try and qualify for Rio 2016.  Canberra, not to be outdone in the sailing department, despite being a landlocked territory like no other, is joining in this latest craze.  Canberrans from as far away as Calwell are lugging their rafts, pedal-boats and dinghies out of the garage and into Lake Burley Griffin to train for the next qualifying round on the road to Olympic glory. 

The increase in water-going Canberrans, combined with the capital’s man-made lakes with 50 years of built-up blue-green algae and duck shit, rusted car bodies, decapitated hookers, used syringes, baby poo, murder weapons, homeless people’s urine, drunk people’s vomit, phlegm, shoes, food, cigarette butts, the occasional overflow of sewerage PLUS a general lack of water safety from the populace will no doubt lead to mutant armies rising up to threaten our fair city. 

When Dawn Fraser won gold in 1960, an epidemic of water sports swept through the ACT as well, with results akin to those described above.

And that, dear readers, is the origin of Queanbeyan.

PS.  Don’t bother sending me your stupid fucking diatribe about how sailing is the hardest event in the Olympic schedule and I should be more appreciative of the sailors' efforts and how my ‘negative attitude towards these “athletes” is ruining the Games’.  The only thing ruining the Games are shitty sports like sailing.

A future Olympian in training.  In a Cosby sweater.

Friday, August 03, 2012

NRL 2012 Round 22: Canberra Wins!

Another weekend of upsets (and a few stupid decisions by me) spoiled the applecart of footy tipping last week – Parramatta won another game against a top-eight opponent (it’s funny what a team can do when Jarryd Hayne is far, far away), St George did enough (i.e. something) to continue Melbourne’s shithouse form over the last two months, and Cronulla are determined not to make the top eight this year… again. 

In a bid to awaken the sleeping giant of the Melbourne Storm, the NRL keep feeding them shit teams to play in order to get some wins up, a bit of confidence back, and a challenge at the top of the ladder.  It hasn’t worked as yet, with losses to the Eels and St George, but I really, really hope they can roll the Panthers this week.  If not, well… who will stop Canterbury then?  And no one really wants the Bulldogs to win, do they?  Just imagine the 2013 season being dominated by Canterbury supporters doing the “Doggies!” crotch dance and yelling, “We won the comp last year, hey?!” when the Dogs inevitably have a shithouse season next year and you’re shouting at them to “shut the fuck up,” “look at the scoreboard, dickheads,” “don’t talk about my mother,” and “it’s nice that you and your boyfriend go for the same team.”  Seriously, it’s going to (almost) be worse than when Manly won last year. 

Round 22:
Sydney Roosters vs St George-Illawarra Dragons
Melbourne Storm vs Penrith Panthers
Newcastle Knights vs Bulldogs
North Queensland Cowboys vs Manly Sea Eagles
New Zealand Warriors vs Sharks
Gold Coast Titans vs South Sydney Rabbitohs
Wests Tigers vs Parramatta Eels

A game to keep an eye on (or two eyes, if you’re like me and get dizzy when you wear an eyepatch for too long) this week is the CLASH OF THE TITANS and the Bunnies, the two form teams of the comp at the moment.  I really hope that Soufs can get up though, because I really, really despise the Titans.  I’m also liking North Queensland to give a royal XXXX mid-strength drubbing to Manly, and the Sharks to find some rare end-of-season form to officially piss the Warriors’ season off. 

Game of the Round:
Canberra Raiders vs Brisbane Broncos

Canberra Appreciation Month will kick off officially this weekend with a home-ground desmolishment of the Brisbane “Thanks For Coming” Broncos, who will be welcomed by a Green Machine that’s been switched on to “kill.”  The Raiders were unlucky last week in going down to Newcastle, but their job was not made any easier by the referee who continued to award tries to the Knights as the day went on.  The Raiders’ comeback was at least 74 minutes too late and 24 points too few.  They will have learned a lot from that game, and the Broncs should be worried.

Brissy went down in a screaming heap by 20 points against Parramatta last week.  Read that sentence again; it’s the sort of thing you tell chronically-diseased orphans as they watch their home burn down to keep their spirits up.  I don’t see anything but a regulation MEBCAM celebration for the Raiders this weekend.  Bet your burning house on it.

Laurie Daley's playing shorts.  If you look closely, you can see exactly where his groin muscle exploded.

Thursday, August 02, 2012

Canberra Fact of the Day

There are certain people employed within the Canberra Public Service whose sole job it is to decipher the difference between the sound of an employee typing a Word document and someone updating their Facebook status.

Wednesday, August 01, 2012

Canberra Appreciation Month 2012: Welcome

It’s August already?  You know what that means!  It’s time to shower?  No, that’s not til October.  Change your sheets?  No need to waste time with that, I sweat too much in my sleep.  August is Mister Evil Breakfast’s CANBERRA APPRECIATION MONTH!  WOOOOO!
MEBCAM is pretty much the greatest thing to happen to August since the Olympics, which we continue to convince ourselves that we actually enjoy watching.  “Ooh look, someone’s swimming.  Oooh look, someone else is swimming, too.”  For fuck’s sake, aren’t there other events on this year?  Why do people apparently love to watch other idiots thrash around in a pool?  Who would do this?  Not me, and that’s why I was fired from being a lifesaver. 

This year’s Canberra Appreciation Month will witness native fauna, amazing natural wonders, Canberran pop culture, folklore, the future, truth, myth and mystery.  Plus I’ll probably do a massive amount of complaining about Todd Carney, the Raiders, people of Tuggeranong, shithouse shops, the weather and the fact that Mooseheads is still the most popular nightclub.  Or none of them, it all depends on how lazy I feel.

Let’s kick off MEBCAM with the traditional Canberra songy poem:

The front page of our paper
Shows a true Canberran tome
Stories of blokes who bought a bakery
Or a dog who found a bone

Canberrans love to read about
The issues close to heart
Like kids with names of Canberra streets
Or a politician’s car won’t start.

Headlines also revolve around sport
Our teams dominate the press
Handy for them, the best news we have
Is being beaten by thirty points or less.

And every so often we open the pages
Of the sacred Canberra Times
To see world class reporting, Pulitzer stuff
Hiding in headlines.

Alice in Wonderland’s latest Alice
Who starred with Johnny Depp
In Tim Burton’s latest piece of shit
Is Canberran born and bred.

And when world crises hit our shores;
Plagues, floods, pandemic flu
The Canberra Times updates us all
About when Nirvana played ANU.

Either this car has pulled a classic photobomb, or the photographer was too lazy to walk three steps to get closer to Parly House to take a decent shot.