Sunday, February 27, 2011

Oscar Predictions - Part 4: The Final One, Don't Worry

Following my previous post's patented rant about not enough movies being about dinosaurs and robots (I am still holding onto the idea that Transformers 3 will be saved by the introduction of the DinoBots), we come to the nitty-gritty end of the Oscars and pick the winners of the “big” awards; the ones that water-cooler conversations revolve around. Except for the water cooler conversation at my workplace, which usually goes, “Why does this water taste like urine?” while I fight the urge to tell people how I managed to pee in the water cooler without spilling any.

And the nominees for Best Director are:

Black Swan - Darren Aronofsky

The Fighter - David O. Russell

The King's Speech - Tom Hooper

The Social Network - David Fincher

True Grit - Joel Coen and Ethan Coen

I am always interested in upcoming films and who has been given the job of directing them, but I honestly don’t really know what the director actually does other than decide where to stick the camera. I’m sure if Steven Spielberg is reading this, he’ll let me know in the comments section.

Todd the Psychic Dinosaur reckons Dazza Aronofsky is going to win, but I think Todd just likes the name “Aronofsky”. I can’t blame him for that; it is pretty fucking fun. And for that reason alone, I’m agreeing with my green, plastic friend.

Best Picture movies are always sketchy. If you ask someone what their favourite movie is, they’ll give you a list of flicks they love, but won’t be able to name just one as their ultimate champion. My list includes Point Break, Scary Movie 4 and a Pilates DVD that I got for free in the mail.

This year, the contenders for Best Movie Ever are:

Black Swan

The Fighter


The Kids Are All Right

The King's Speech

127 Hours

The Social Network

Toy Story 3

True Grit

Winter's Bone

Todd is going out on a psychic limb and saying that The King’s Speech is going to take home top honours, while I’m pinning my hopes on the only movie out of that list that I’ve actually seen – Toy Story 3. If a bunch of animated action figures can make me cry, they deserve as many golden statues as they can handle. And I didn’t really cry, the cinema was full of pollen, and I was cutting onions and I had something in my eye.

I’d like to thank the Academy and my parents and God and my agent and it’s just an honour to be nominated.

Friday, February 25, 2011

Oscar Predictions Part III: Sith Menacing Jedis

Welcome to the third part in the ongoing saga that is predicting Oscar winners. The third part of a trilogy is always the worst. Or is it the best? Or somewhere in between? I can’t remember, although I think Jurassic Park 3 is better than Jurassic Park 2. I’m not sure about The Godfather 2 and 3, because I didn’t watch them (they don’t have dinosaurs or robots, so I’m not wasting my time). Robocop 2 was better than Robocop 3, but that’s not really saying much, as they both sucked. Robocop 1 is still awesome though.

I was originally going to predict a winner for each category, but no one cares about who wins for Art Direction and Cinematography, which only exist so “epic” films can get a guernsey, even if they’re shit like Pearl Harbour. It’s basically a pissing contest to see who has a better camera or who can afford to go and film a nice landscape shot in an untouched part of the world.

I’m also skipping Costume Design, a category that caters for period pieces and Shakespeare re-enactments (I see True Grit is nominated, which probably rules out the idea that it’s the sequel to True Lies, but still doesn’t discount the thought that it’s a prequel) and isn’t very interesting unless you’re into clothes that aren’t t-shirts, so I won’t waste time (or a paragraph) talking about it.

I’ll also gloss over the Editing prize, because in my mind it’s all about gluing reels of film together, which shouldn’t be that hard. Todd the Dinosaur thinks it would be hard, but he doesn’t have opposable thumbs and is an inanimate inflatable t-rex anyway, so most things are hard for him (except predicting the future).

I won’t predict who'll win for Make-Up either, because it’s really not that important unless you’re playing Freddy Krueger, and if a movie relies on make-up to gain interest, then I’m going out on a limb and saying that it’s a generally shit film that probably involves an old woman retelling her life story to some fucking kid. I won’t touch the Music categories either, because every movie should just play the theme to Indiana Jones whenever the need for music comes up.

Sound Editing? Nope.
Sound Mixing? Go fuck yourself in the ear.
Visual Effects? Normally this catgoery gets me moist in the nether regions (Todd as well), but lately I’ve been put off with movies being predominantly Visual Effectry to the point where you just sit around waiting for something real to arrive on screen. After sitting through the bullshit that was Alice in Wonderland, I wondered what the point of creating a computer-generated costume - in this case a chain-mail suit of armour - was all about when it didn’t do anything that real chain-mail armour wouldn’t have done. Waste of time and money and green screens, honestly. There’s people in Third World countries that don’t have green screens, and Hollywood wastes them on shit like Alice in Fucking Wonderland.

Tomorrow I'll wrap up the Oscar shit with all the big awards. Well, some of them.

PS. I did not like Alice in Wonderland.

Thursday, February 24, 2011

Oscar predictions Part 2: Oscar's Revenge

Welcome to Part 2 of Mister Evil Breakfast and Todd the Psychic Dinosaur’s Oscar Predictions (MEBATTPDOP).

Today we delve into the world of Supporting Actors. The problem with giving awards to Supporting Actors is that you don’t know whether they deserve credit for being really good in a shit role, or if they should be recognised for making up for the lack of acting ability of the lead actor. There’s probably more to it than that, but in my world, all movies have three people – the lead, the support and an extra who changes hats to appear in all other scenes.

Actor in a Supporting Role
Christian Bale in The Fighter - John Hawkes in Winter's Bone - Jeremy Renner in The Town - Mark Ruffalo in The Kids Are All Right - Geoffrey Rush in The King's Speech

This is going to be a hotly contested contest, honestly, considering that WHO THE FUCK ARE JEREMY RENNER AND JOHN HAWKES? I’ve heard of the other blokes, although the name Mark Ruffalo makes me think of a young Mark Wahlberg, which I’m sure isn’t right (or healthy).

Fuck it, I’m backing Batman for this one.

Todd the Psychic Dinosaur reckons Aussie Geoff Rush was robbed for his performance in Mystery Men, so he’s giving him the nod.

Actress in a Supporting Role
Amy Adams in The Fighter - Helena Bonham Carter in The King's Speech - Melissa Leo in The Fighter - Hailee Steinfeld in True Grit - Jacki Weaver in Animal Kingdom

I went to a wedding last year and a girl at my table changed my seat so she could sit with her friend. She reminded me of Amy Adams, even though I’m not entirely sure I know which one Amy Adams is. I imagine her to be a bit like Reese Witherspoon, but a bit taller.

Anyway, Amy Adams won’t win. Helena Bonham Carter is in with a chance, as she’s playing a role unlike anything in her career – a movie without Tim Burton or Johnny Depp. Melissa Leo won’t win because I don’t know her (as an aside, is anyone involved with The King's Speech and The Fighter not nominated for something?), same with Hailee Steinfeld, which isn’t even a name. Which basically brings us to Aussie Jacki Weaver, who was pretty damn good in Animal Kingdom (one of the three movies I have seen), but she won’t win either. I guess this means that HBC is the front-runner, simply because I know her, she isn’t a tall version of Reese Witherspoon and isn’t foreign to American audiences.

Todd the Psychic Dinosaur thinks Hailee is in with a good chance, despite neither of us knowing her or the film she’s nominated for. True Grit? Sounds like the sequel (or prequel) to True Lies, which, despite being mildly entertaining, probably doesn’t deserve an Oscar.

Stay tuned for tomorrow’s instalment of Oscar shenanigans, where we skip pretty much all the shit categories and even some of the good ones.

You know that feeling where you need to pee, so you walk into the toilet and that need gets a hundredfold worse and then your zip gets stuck, and you have to start dancing and bending awkwardly so you don’t wet yourself while you wrestle with your fly and the pee feeling just keeps getting stronger?

Yeah, I just had that experience.

Wednesday, February 23, 2011

Oscar predictions Pt.1: Leaders

Sorry it has been so long since my last blog. I was starting a rock band and it took me way longer than I thought it would.

With the Academy Awards on at some stage this week (possibly, don’t ask me exactly when they’re on; it’s not like I’m being paid for researching shit), I thought I’d consult Todd the Psychic Dinosaur for his thoughts on who will walk away with an Oscar.

Sees all and knows all

Seeing as I have only seen three of the movies up for gongs this year (two of them on DVD), I figured an inflatable tyrannosaur would have about as much chance as I would of picking winners.

Actor in a Leading Role
Your nominees are:

Javier Bardem in Biutiful - Jeff Bridges in True Grit - Jesse Eisenberg in The Social Network - Colin Firth in The King's Speech - James Franco in 127 Hours

What we need to look at here is the fact that none of these actors really had to stretch too far to play their nominated characters; Bardem (presumably) played a Mexican, Jeff Bridges played a character not entirely dissimilar to the characters normally played by Jeff Bridges, Jesse Eisenberg played a real person who is socially inept, Colin Firth played an Englishman with a stutter (not to be confused with Hugh Grant) and Jimmy Franco was a bloke with his arm stuck under a rock. I believe Franco prepared for the role by trying to nick a packet of Twisties from a vending machine.

Todd the Psychic Dinosaur reckons Bardem is in with a chance, but only because nominating a foreign film seems like a fairly artsy-fartsy move to make, and so is putting $10 on James Franco.

My money is on Eisenberg, but only because I liked his work in Zombieland and felt sorry for him because he had to make out with Kristen Stewart in Adventureland.

Actress in a Leading Role
Up for the award:
Annette Bening in The Kids Are All Right - Nicole Kidman in Rabbit Hole - Jennifer Lawrence in Winter's Bone - Natalie Portman in Black Swan - Michelle Williams in Blue Valentine

Not only have I not seen any of these movies, I have actually only heard of one of them -Black Swan - so Natalie Portman gets my vote (she would have got it even if she wasn’t nominated).

Todd the Psychic Dinosaur just looked up The Kids Are All Right and thinks that Bening could be in with a chance for top honours because she plays a lesbian, which automatically gives her a massive Academy vote. I pointed out to him that Portman snogs Mila Kunis in Black Swan, which is way hotter than anything lesbian that Bening could do. This has changed Todd the Psychic Dinosaur's mind and now he's voting with me. You can never vote against hot lesbians.

So that makes two thumbs up for Portman, which is as high a score as you can get in this two-judge system, unless I grow a third hand… and if I do, I’d like it to be right on top of my head so I can scratch my face while I’m driving. And when I’m angry or scared, it can stand up like a crest and scare off predators. It can also hold my sunglasses in place when I bend over.

Tomorrow’s post will look at Supporting Actors, which will be about as exciting as a battle for second placed loser could possibly be.