Monday, January 23, 2017

Home and Away - 2016 recap

Home and Away is back for another season!  HOOFUCKINGRAY.  For those who weren’t really paying attention last year but would like to begin following the trials and tribulations of the good people of Summer Bay, here’s your “What the Fuck Happened” for Home and Away 2016.

To kick off the year, the proverbial broom was put through Summer Bay, and if you happened to have skipped the entire year, then you missed a whole smorgasbord of glory.  An explosion at the Caravan Park claimed the lives of Oscar the Loser and Hannah the Occasionally Attractive And Occasionally Paraplegic Nurse.  It also resulted in the loss of Hot Or Not Maddie’s arm, putting an abrupt end to her violinning career.  The blame for the fire was shared between Bad Boy Andy and Tank the Semi-Recurring Character after a fight knocked over a large wall of gas cylinders that waited until there were a lot of people around before they ignited.   

Bad Boy Andy’s brother, Bad Boy Josh, was left literally blind after being tonked in the back of the head by Tank the Semi-Recurring Character – possibly during the fourth time that Josh and Blandy McBlandface Evie had broken up.  Then his sight came back just long enough for him to murder a woman and run away, causing the fifth (and currently final) time for him and Blandy to break up.  Good bloke.

Hot Or Not decided to carpe diem with her remaining arm and wanted to explore the world with her boyfriend Skater Matt the Skateboarding Guy, then left him at home without telling him.  I reckon Skater Matt dodged a bullet there anyway, as ever since losing her arm, Hot Or Not Maddie developed a weird growth in the shape of an arm across her body. 

John Fucking Palmer and Fuck Off Marilyn somehow adopted their adopted son’s girlfriend after they had broken up.  She then ran off to the city with Semi-Recurring Tank after pashing him one day.  As you do.  And, because they are responsible and caring adults with their adoptive daughter’s best interests at heart, Fucking John and Marilyn let her go and didn’t even bother trying to call her.  What a couple of fuckbags.

Billie the Immortal (Kiwi Josh’s sister) has had a cracker of a year, hooking up with Ugly VJ the Forty-Eight Year Old High Schooler in a relationship that possesses the passion that a toaster holds for a goldfish.  Immortal is also carrying the illegitimate child of Eyebag Irene’s estranged son, who assaulted her in the gym one night.  As anyone would, Immortal then bedded Ugly VJ and told him that the baby was his.  Ugly did the proper thing and dropped out of school to get a job at the smoothie bar so he could afford to support his child.  Then he bought an engagement ring.  Then they planned a wedding which she called off, then they went to the registry office which they both called off.  I just don’t think that things are really looking up for these two crazy kids in love passive acceptance of each other.  Since falling pregnant, Billie the Immortal has been in a car accident, a plane crash, has been kidnapped, stabbed and burnt, and is now about to give birth in the middle of a bushfire. 

There are also some new peeps hanging about the Bait Shop.  As happens every so often, Summer Bay feels the need to spice up their sleepy town a bit by introducing some new characters to take the place of our former beloved Braxton surfer nazi gang of criminals and thugs that Australians can really relate to.  Enter the Morgans.

The Morgans are your typical Home and Away assortment of reasonably attractive over-achieving hearts-of-gold people with a shady past.  There’s Dr Tessa, a doctor, Asian Justin, a jack-of-all trades with a penchant for mechanic work and is a hopeless romantic oh yeah and he’s Asian, Finally Gay Brody, a chef who I thought would finally break the shackles and be gay but isn’t (yet) and Doctor-in-Training Mason, just your usual kid going through med school oh yeah and he’s Tongan or something.  The big secret with the Morgans is a typical family thing – other than the fact that they are all of mysteriously varied heritage, their parents were caught up in a drug syndicate, which they reported to a group of corrupt police who then murdered them which forced the kids into Witness Protection under new identities to be raised by their undercover uncle.  You know, pretty standard stuff.  Due to their fairly difficult upbringing, the Morgans had to give up a few parts of their life – things like relationships and careers.  As such, Dr Tessa is a surgeon who runs the emergency departnment, Mason is in his final year of med school, Brody is a hatted chef and Justin has a child with a former girlfriend who tells everyone they meet that they are in Witness Protection, then wonders how “the syndicate” keep managing to track them down.    

The last time we saw our Home and Away Heroes, Phairly Hot Phoebe and Blandy McBlandface had organised the world’s coolest day-time music festival that attracted at least eight extras and Jessica Mauboy out of Yabbie Creek.  This is actually quite an achievement, as they hadn’t actually organised any music for it until the morning of the actual festival.  Luckily, the Diner donated a tray of sandwiches and there was a smoothie vendor on hand to keep the punters refreshed until well into the afternoon. 

Unfortunately, John Fucking Palmer succumbed to the scourge of Summer Bay, mental illness, and has become a pyromaniac.  This follows Spencer’s bout of bipolar disorder and Alf’s post-traumatic-stress-disorder that were cured via a counselling session and lazy writers. 

So there we have it – you are now more or less up to speed with the goings on of our favourite TV fuckwits (give or take a marriage, divorce, rekindling and new relationship… Dr Nate, I’m looking at you, you sexy piece of arse).  

Spoiler: This guy doesn't do this show any more.

Thursday, January 19, 2017

Trump: the Drinking Game

Have a drink. A lot of drinks, so many drinks. The best drinks. 
All eyes will soon move to the land of opportunity as the world watches the next hilarious episode of "America" when local Oompa Loompa Donald Trump takes his place on the throne as President of the White House.  

Obviously we're all a bit scared-yet-interested by what the fuck is going to happen over the next four years and how the "greatest nation on earth" will fare by having the "greatest fuckwit on earth" at the helm.  It's a bold strategy that Captain America has created, let's see if it pays off for them.  Personally, I am still waiting for Donald Trump to take his mask off to reveal that he is Andy Kaufman, and telling everyone that they are massive fucking idiots for letting this happen.  

In the off-chance that this doesn't happen, you should arm yourself with your favourite beverage and wave small American flags as you chant "You Essay" while President Elect Donald Trump becomes President Trump, erect.

Image result for trump

1 drink:
- when he makes that hand gesture where it kind of looks like he's either giving the "ok" sign  or giving out handjobs to midgets (or pulling imaginary flags out of his nose).  
- whenever he audibly sniffs.  BONUS GAME: sniff along at home, and the last person in the room to sniff has to take a double drink.   
- every time he doubles up on the word "great."
- the phrases "believe me", "trust me" and "it's true."
- the word "huge."  BONUS GAME:  everyone in the room must ask "how big?" and the last person to respond "huge" has an extra drink.
- the word "unbelievable."  
- when he pronounces "China" like "jhyna."
- every time he mentions that he has a friend.
- for every mention of "everyone is saying..." or "people are saying."

2 drinks:
whenever he practices his superfluous scale: “...we are going to have good plans.  We’re going to have great plans.  They’re going to be the best plans.”
- whenever he makes a quick addendum to a racist or controversial blanket statement:    
"Mexico is sending a lot of people across our borders. These are not good people. They are bad people. These are the worst people. Meth dealers, drugs dealer, criminals, rapists. They are crossing our borders in great numbers. Huge numbers. These bad people are just crossing into our country. Bad people. Well, some of them are good people."
- when he announces "fixing" a problem, but doesn't go into detail about what that actually means.
- for a self-compliment.
- if he has just invented a word; bonus drink if that word is "bigly."

3 drinks:

- if he mentions grabbing pussy.  
- when he slags off reporters.  Bonus drink if he does an impression of one.
- when he announces his expertise at something.  Have a bonus if it's as vague as being "an expert at military."
- if he finishes the speech with the line: "Obama, you're fired!"

God bless America.