Friday, April 29, 2016

Thought of the day

Knowing that mixing yellow paint and blue paint to make green paint really hasn't come in as handy as kindergarten promised that it would.

Thursday, April 28, 2016

One-liner of the day

Did you hear that two people died at the drive-in theatre last night?

They went to see 'Closed for the Season' and froze to death.

Wednesday, April 27, 2016

NRL 2016 - Round 9: Blame that guy

A lot of action off-field in the NRL has overshadowed the fact that Canberra Raiders fans have discovered an alternative to Viagra – watching their team put on 60 points over the Tigers.  WOOOOOO boners aplenty in the nation’s capital this week, my friends.  Aw yeah.

The NRL has declared referees to be official enemy #1 to all teams, but most specifically the Roosters, who keep getting penalised for breaking the rules of the game.  It’s a shocking way to treat the team, and both of their fans are very upset by it.  Then again, if I’d just lost to the Dragons, I’d probably be looking at someone else to blame too.  Like, what the fuck is with that ball?  What kind of fucking shape is that?  I DEMAND TRAPEZOIDAL PARALLELOGRAM SHAPED BALLS.  I can’t decide how the refereeing community will take this blame – they might all put their whistles away and let the players just beat each other to death, or they will blow penalties on every.fucking.tackle just to prove a point.  

Off-off-field, the Eels have joined the ranks of the Dogs and the Storms in their dodgy book-keeping skills, and are set to lose competition points for deliberately fucking their salary cap.  This has changed them from being a certified “Premiership Contender” to a “they’ll probably still make it, to be honest.”  I am a massive fan of salary cap breaches though, and love hearing about how Newcastle and the Tigers managed to spend excess of a bazillion dollars to keep Jarrod Mullen and Dickfingers Moses from leaving the club. 
“Well guys, we just got beaten by 40 points again, but in good news, Mitch is now earning $700,000 a year.  He’s probably the most successful kid in his year 11 class.”
Or maybe they just need to be smarter about dodgy player payments, like the Cowboys, and don’t have “Dodgy Player Payments” as Item 3 on your meeting agenda.

Round 9 NRL tips

Bunnies vs Tigers

The Rabbitohs have just three wins from the first eight games, which really doesn’t bode well for them, but interestingly they are at a similar point as they were in 2014 – the year they won the premiership.  However, if they can’t beat the Tigers this week, they might as well kiss the rest of the season goodbye.  It would be nice if at least one player (from either team) put in somewhere near a 70% effort.

Parra vs Doggies

The Dogs struggled all the way against the Titans last week, and while the Eels let the scoreline blow out against the Cowboys, they are still my secret crush team at the moment.  Basically because of Semi Radradra and Junior Paulo.  Fucking hell, what were Paulo’s parents thinking when they named him?  The guy is about 12 feet tall and weighs as much as six elephants.  Junior?  Please. 

Panthers vs Mighty Fucking Raiders

Penrith have made a habit of losing games by two points in the 79th minute this year.  This week, that will all change as the Raiders put them away as early as 75 minutes in.  Incidentally, this game marks only the second time that the Penny’s spine has played together in the last 40 games. I guess it's also the first game since about 1912 that they have put a “full strength” side on the field.  Penrith will be too busy doing group introduction exercises to worry about football this week.  From last week’s demolition of the Tigers, Canberra would have learned that tackling = good and scoring = better.  Raiders by a dozenty. 

Chooks vs Knights

The Roosters welcome back perennial cunt Mitchell Pearce from suspension and Jared Waerea-Hargreaves from injury for the first time this year.  After losing to St George, they will have something to prove – my tip goes to them, but I’d fucking love for them to lose again, especially to fellow shit-dwellers Newcastle.  No offence, Knights, but you guys are the suckiest sucks who ever sucked.  Damn weiner Knights.    

Manly vs Cowbs

Well, it will be (mildly) interesting to see if Jamie Lyon’s retirement announcement will inspire his troops to perform for about 20 minutes before they fall in a heap and the Cows trample them like the demon bovine assassins that they are.  This match is pretty close to the “No Fucks Given” game of the round.  But I’ll save that one for…

Warriors vs St Merge

THIS PIECE OF SHIT gets the official “No Fucks Given” match of the round.  I’d be surprised if the ref even bothers to turn up.  Here are some things that people would rather do than watch this game: sit next to Grant Hackett on an international flight; watch Daryl Somers’ new show; have a drink with Todd Carney; get Tara Brown to pick up their kids for them.  For those who do choose to watch, get ready to see the ball do more metres on the ground than most of the players.

Titans vs Storm

Normally when people go to the Gold Coast to see a pair of tits, they usually don’t mean the two Titans fans in attendance.  This year, the Storm are sloppy; the halves are easily confused and consistently panic with the ball, the outside backs are either rocks or diamonds, and their forward pack is mainly made up of giant Kiwis.  It’s almost like the Warriors, but the Storm actually manage to occasionally win games. 

Sharks vs Horses

I love how no matter which sponsor has the rights to Cronulla’s home ground, it’s always just called “Shark Park.”  When the ground is full, they put up a sign on the front gate that says “Fuck off, we’re full.”  Instead of buying tickets to get in, you can show your Southern Cross pec tat, ‘Such is Life’ script across your neck tat, or the “Aussie-flag-busting-through-skin” shoulder tat to gain entrance.  But anyway – about the footy.  If the Avengers came up against Brisbane right now, they would lose.  If Elvis was ever as good as them right now, they would have renamed Earth in his honour.  Milford and Hunt are supernatural.  Corey Oates’ official residence is “Over the try line.”  Brisbane will stop dominating when they are good and ready.  And they aren’t ready just yet.

If Brisbane are the Avengers, Jack Reed is Hawkeye

Daily one-liner

I have always wanted to build a door, so I could make a good entrance.

Thursday, April 14, 2016

NRL 2016 - Round 7: McFadden? More like... Mc... Fucked. Eh?

Almost two months gone in the regular NRL season, and we’ve got a front-runner for “Coach Most Likely to be Sacked First” – let’s try not to get too attached to NZ Warriors coach Andrew McFadden, who has been running his team about the same way that I performed in SuperCoach comps a few years back, which was by entering my tips in once and then forgetting about it.

Luckily (?) for Fads this week, he has finally decided to change a few things up and has moved his half-line around by bringing in Tuimoala “Can I Buy A Vowel” Lolohea at five-eighth to partner Shaun “Girlfriend” Johnson at his preferred half-back position.  This is an interesting move as the Warriors have long described Tui as the club’s future long-term half, but have played him on the wing and as centre so far this year. 

If the Warriors lose another one this week, I’d say that McFads might find himself on the Centrelink line next week.  With a pretty decent spine that closely resembles the New Zealand national team, they have no excuses not to be doing a whole lot better than they are.  Key recruits from last year Roger Tuivasa-Sheck and Issac “the Human Pudding” Luke might need to find some form and fitness pretty soon (and also learn how the whole “tackling” thing works), or they’ll have to start selling themselves on the streets of Auckland just to be able to afford fush n chups for dunner.  And no one wants to tonk a fullback who can’t tackle. 

Other contenders for “Shit Coach” are Paul “Mary” McGregor and Jason “Fuckwit” Taylor from St George and Wests respectively.  But they’re safe for at least another three games because they have shit teams to work with anyway.

Round 7

Manly vs Parra

Parramatta played out of their balls last week against the Raiders, and will look to former Sea-Eagle Kieran Foran for another smashing.  Manly know his game well, and have a great opportunity to upset the Eels.  But they won’t, because they’re shit.

Cowboys vs Rabbitohs

Souths fans everywhere will be breathing a sigh of relief into their huffing bag as Adam Reynolds makes his comeback from a broken jaw from round 1.  Is that seriously how long a broken jaw takes to mend?  I would have thought longer.  Despite the Bunnies officially having a kicking game again, they’re too underdone to worry anyone right now. 

Tits vs St Merge

FUN FACT OF THE DAY:  Canberra Raiders captain Jarrod Croker has scored more points this year than the St George team as a whole.  I have a funny feeling that the Dragons might finally get onto the board after a slew of donuts, but I still don’t think it’ll be enough.  Props to the St George fan who takes his “GST” banner with him everywhere though.  It’s still not funny, but full credit to you, son.

Bulldogs vs Warriors

The Warriors have sparked their team with some key inclusions in the half-line… but I don’t see it being enough.  Through sheer determination, hard defence, cheating and untraceable drugs, the Doggies have my stamp of approval.

Broncos vs Knights

The Knights managed to win last week.  Good for them.  The Broncos kind of do that a bit regularly, so they probably wouldn’t have celebrated like it was 1999 all week. 

Raiders vs Sharkies

Ah you Raiders, always keeping us guessing.  Up one week, down the next.  Smash the Bulldogs, get rolled by the Eels.  Draw with the Dragons, lose to the Titans.  Fuck.  Whatever, they’ll win this game because the Sharks are dicks.

Tigers vs Storm

It’s the official “No one Gives A Shit About” game of the round.  I can’t fucking tip either of these teams, they keep turning it around and fucking me.  This should be a draw.  13-all. 

Roosters vs Penrith

Oh wait, it’s the official “Oh It’s Another One That Seriously No one Gives A Shit About” game of the round.  It was disappointing to see the Roosters get off their winless season with a victory over the Bunnies last weekend, but here’s hoping that the Panthers (who choose to lose most of their games by 2 points in the last minute of the game) will keep them at the bottom of the ladder.  St George fans are just happy that they’re somehow not the worst team (statistically) so far this year.  

I don't know where he's trying to kick the ball, but I doubt it's going to end up there

Thursday, April 07, 2016

NRL 2016 - Round 6: Back to Normality

Holy fucking shit, what an absolute fucking clusterfuck of NRL over the last couple of rounds.  Completely fucked.  I had to take a few weeks off blogging just to get over how fucked it was (I didn’t, really). 
We’ve seen the premiership favourites fall to the Panthers, the Panthers go down to the Dragons and the Dragons knock off Souths, who are happily continuing their decline from 2015.  If this form continues, they’re looking like they’ll be kicked out of the NRL again by 2018.  I would like George Clooney or Joseph Gordon-Levitt to throw some money at them next time (no offence, Rusty). 
On the flip-side of that, Parramatta are looking like honest-to-Fijesus premiership contenders… .  Keiran Foran is in good nick, and whenever there's trouble, just give the ball to Semi Radradra (who has a great name to type, btw) to fuck some shit up.  Also, keep it away from ol’ dick-fingers Gutherson, who fucks everything he touches.

You know there’s some serious football being played when people are concentrating on State of Origin (since Round 2) instead of talking about which dickhead took which drugs and hit which other dickhead and why were they at a nightclub at 4am on a Monday morning anyway what kind of role models are these people they get paid too much and they should all be sacked. 

Sorry, I think my mum just hacked my blog. 
The Raiders won the game and had clear results on their prostate exams. 

Round 6

Broncos vs Dragons

Should be a gimme for the Broncos – they really should sneak home by about 30 or 40 points without breaking a sweat.  The Dragons will be relying on Benji Marshall and Josh Dugan to get points, so they’re pretty well fucked from the get-go.

Bunnies vs Eastern Suburb Roosters

Greg Inglis is an absolute liability at the moment and should probably turn up to a game before he smokes a thousand bongs.  That said, if there’s ever a team to play you into some form, the Roosters are ideal.  Plenty of pressure for the Rabbits to keep the latte-sipping gronks from Bondi winless for the year.  Seriously, whichever team lets the Roosters win will be the most hated team in the comp.  Here’s hoping it’s Manly.

Parramatta vs Mighty Canberra Raiders

It seems that somewhere around Round 4, someone showed the Raiders how to tackle, and they said "Yeah, okay we’ll give that a go."  This will be a cracker of a game, and probably should have made it to the Sunday afternoon televised match instead of the Spasticbowl that is Knights vs Tigers.  Close one to call, but I’m afraid I have to slap a reluctant $5 on the Eels.

Warriors vs Manly

Fuck the Warriors for making life too fucking difficult.  They should win, because… well… fuck Manly, right?  MANLY FACT OF THE DAY:  Brett Stewart has never lost against a New Zealand team.  The Sea Eagles will also be bolstered by the fact that Daly Cherry Evans isn’t playing for them. Fuck it, gotta lose some time, Bretty. 

Panthers vs Cowboys

PANTHERS FACT OF THE DAY:  They have gone for one whole week without an injury.  Expect Matt Moylan to be stretchered off around 30 minutes in.  Penrith are like Josh-Reynolds-at-the-scrum for top-eight sides this year (a pain in the arse, amirite?), but I am still tipping the Cows to win this game in a close one.  Look for Morgan to work a little magic in the last ten minutes to seal the deal.

Cronulla vs Titans

The Sharks should pretty much be the perpetual owners of the “Who Gives A Fuck?” badge, and when you throw in the Titans as well, you’ve got a double dose of no fucks being given. 

Knights vs Tigers

Make that four fucks not being given.  There hasn’t been such a no-fuck event like this since I was in high school.

Storm vs Doggies

The Dogs always turn up to play the Storm, but Melbourne are Monday night specialists.  Add the fact that both teams are out of form, and you’ve got a dead-set coin flip to pick this one. I flipped my coin and dropped it down the drain so now I don't know how I'm going to get home.