Tuesday, August 25, 2015

How to speak Canberran

Canberra is a funny place, despite what everyone some people think.  Once you have come to terms with the epic Canberra Northside vs Southside battle, learned how roundabouts work and got up to speed with the fact that DEEWR became DEWR which became Education, Canberrans will feel the need to defend their territory by attempting to ridicule you with our clever turns of phrase.

Canberrans will be able to take a Monaro on the Monaro, but they wouldn’t, especially during peak hour.  On the subject of driving, you are well within your rights to complain about Canberra drivers, because even though everyone in Canberra technically is a Canberra driver, we know exactly which ones you’re talking about, and it's not us.  

You can meet up at Kingos or the Kingo on a Saturday night for a few beers, but you should probably work out which one first. 

When you get to work on Monday and Steve asks, “Did you watch the footy on the weekend?” the correct response is, “Yep, wish I didn’t though.  Useless, overpaid prima donnas, amirite?!!” and then you can both laugh and pretend that you are both talking about the same game, team or sport. 

Depending on the social situation, you can mention the suburb in which you live, but ensure that no one is insulted or threatened.  If you noticed the BMW in the driveway, feel free to drop the line: “I live in Narrabundah.  On the Red Hill side” and soon you’ll be sipping champagne with high society.  However, if you saw that their Camry has its bumper bar gaffa-taped together, and you’re pretty sure that it has the hubcaps that were stolen from your car welded on, you could try: “I’m in Narrabundah.  Near the shops” and they’ll probably offer you a warm VB. 

Don’t try and work out why rugby league legend Mal Meninga is playing cricket on ads for a law firm.  It was always a pretty tenuous link, and serves us only to realise how fat Big Mal is getting. 

Manuka Honey is the latest craze in hipster foodstuffs due to its medicinal properties, organic production and unique flavour.  Canberrans will never quite be 100% convinced that it isn’t made in the back-alleys of Manuka.

You can discuss the merits of Kingsley’s with any Canberran, talking about the tender, juicy meat & delicate sides, and how you have managed to spend way too much money there on several occasions.  Well you could, until Kingsley’s closed down and only Kingsley’s was there to ease the pain. 

If all this is too confusing and you’re ever stuck in a conversation with a Canberran, just drop a subtle “Fuck Queanbeyan” and you’ll be best mates forever, despite the fact that you never see each other but will fully catch up again soon, maybe the next time the footy’s on?

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