NRL 2015 Finals Series - Week 1: Beau Ryan and his Magic Lamp

And all of a sudden we’re down to eight teams duking it out to be claimed champions of the world for 2015.  Commiserations to those teams that didn’t make it; you can pick your “Participant Award” up at the door, and hang around to meet some proper athletes who will be joining us soon.  Enjoy a refreshing complimentary glass of watered down orange cordial in the lobby – please don’t bring your drinks onto the carpeted areas though, we just had them cleaned from the last time Nate Myles was here.

Speaking of people who have freed up a bit of time before the 2016 season kicks off, Footy Show panellist Beau Ryan won't be appearing on our screens for a while, as he has put his foot (and probably some other parts as well) into the proverbial and was caught out while performing in a shithouse pantomime version of Aladdin and his Wondrous Lamp (or something) having some sneaky sexy times with some chick who was apparently on I’m A Celebrity, Get Me Out of Here who previously was not a celebrity – this can otherwise be explained by the equation

C-grade celeb + C-grade celeb – D-grade show = 0

Beau will probably not be seen on our TVs for a while; at least until he goes on 60 Minutes to talk about his depression, then heads over to Foxtel to try his hand at some kind of talk show.  This week, Beau knows… unemployment.

On the other side of the spectrum, Australia has fallen even further in love with American Football and our Aussie superstar Jarryd Hayne.  Hayne seems to be doing quite well at sport in America, which wasn’t ever really going to be questioned, seeing as he is quite good at sport in Australia as well.  Hayne is now the fourth-string running back for the San Francisco 49ers, which a pretty decent leap for a bloke who has been playing the game for about three months.  It has also broken down the stigma that American football is impossible to penetrate for those not born with a pigskin in one hand and a big ol’ helmet in the other.  I’m not saying that Beau Ryan should try out to be the 49ers wide receiver, I’m just saying that athletes with the right motivation and dedication could make the transition…

…which brings us to a new drinking game:  Who can play NFL?  EVERYONE!

·         Whenever a journalist, commentator, panellist or presenter mentions that a player is “thinking about following Jarryd Hayne to the NFL”, reach behind your couch for a stubbie or a bottle of wine (where do you keep them?) and have a swig.
·         Have another drink if that person is Roger Tuivasa-Sheck.
·         Take two swigs if that person would obviously be the worst NFL player in the history of the world, even if you don’t know anything about NFL.
·         Have a bonus drink if the talking head on TV puts a player into a position specifically designed for 200 kilo blokes.  Have another bonus drink if they have actually just invented a new position, such as the defensive cornerback linesman cover tackle.
·         Drink everything when the presenter starts using NFL expressions like touchdown or explaining that Jonathan Thurston is like “a quarterback.” 

Onto the finals series!  You know you can trust my tips; I am, after all, Australia's 3,610th best psychic when it comes to rugby league.

You know you can trust me.  At least half of the time.  

Sydney Roosters vs Melbourne Storm

I still can’t trust the Storm; they’re just too unpredictable to take seriously, especially when they’re playing, you know, a good team, you know, like the Roosters.  Both teams had strong wins last week and both teams are boasting full-strength squads this time around as well, although I’m fucked if I know how James Maloney managed to escape suspension after performing a Chuck Norris double-round house ninja fly kick. Honestly, that guy must have beer-flavoured nipples to get away with all the shit that he does. 
I fucking hate the Roosters, but I’m tipping them anyway.   

Canterbury Bankstown Bulldogs vs St George Illawarra Dragons

I honestly thought that St George had been knocked out of the comp prior to this round, but obviously I had accidentally discovered time travel and gone a week into the future.  The Dragons are pretenders of the highest order and will be soundly thrashed by the Doggies this weekend.  Look for the Morris bros to wreak havoc, and probably for Dugan to do something stupid and get sent off. 

Denver Broncos vs Dallas Cowboys

This should be one of the games of the fucking year, bar none.  Hunt was sorely missed by Brisbane in last week’s shit-boring game against Melbourne, and should spark them into action for this game.  The Cowboys will welcome back their own missing halfback in Michael Morgan, who has scored a hat-trick against Brissy in their last two games.  If he does it again, it will be a hat-trick of hat-tricks, which is about as rare as Bear Gryll’s steak.  Both teams will have to improve on last week’s efforts, and purely on consistency and form, I’m tipping the Broncos.  

Cronulla Sharks vs South Sydney Rabbitohs

Whoever wins this game will stumble into the second round of finals like a drunken, wounded baby giraffe.  I can’t see either of these groups of idiots troubling anyone too much, and while this game should be entertaining in the same way as watching a Transformers movie – it’s all colour and movement, you’re not sure what’s actually happening, but you know that it will all be over soon.  Except for the fourth movie, I think that goes for about three hours.  Fuck that. 

Souths are lucky they won a shit-tin of games at the start of the season, because they are playing like deadset wooden spooners right now.  I’m tipping the Sharks, but like when I went to watch Transformers 2 at the cinema, I’m not happy about it.