Holy shit it’s Friday already. It was a bit of an up-and-down weekend last week; we saw the stupid fucking Sea Eagles flog a seemingly-unbeatable Broncos team and fuck everyone’s tips, then the Tigers decided to flog the bejesus out of an underperforming-but-still-it’s-only-the-Tigers-surely-you-can-beat-these-dickheads Melbourne Storm team. The Bunnies dragged themselves to an unconvincing win over the Panfers, but dragged is the key word here - it was like they were crawling over broken glass and syringes while people spat on them... no, that was actually Penrith. Meanwhile, St George got their first victory in seven attempts, but before we crack the champers and start planning a Grand final party, let’s not get too carried away, as it was only against Newcastle. To top off the round, the Roosters and the Bulldogs decided to toy with everyone’s emotions by playing alternating 20-minute periods throughout the game.
Thoughts on this week -Manly are shaping up to be the fucking Mighty Ducks this year, having scraped themselves off the bottom of the ladder after about 20 rounds, now find themselves just one win away from making the finals. Come on. I mean, fuck. Come on. Fucking hell, come on. What the fuck, everyone? Come on.
In Mighty Canberra Raiders Green Machine Bang Bang Big Mal Ricky’s Groin Jarrod Croker WOO GO YOU FUCKING RAIDERS news, Sia Soliola, one of the buys of the season and proud owner of a major contender for “hit of the year” has gone and ruled himself out for the rest of the year with a broken cheekbone. DICKHEAD. The injury was sustained in last weekend’s loss to the Cowboys in Townsville after the Raiders squandered an 18-point lead, and due to altitude and air pressure, was advised not to fly home after the game, which no doubt led to the following scenario….
Soliola: Argh fuck man, my cheekbone’s gone, broken, I’m fucked. I’m done. Oh well, at least we won the game, right? We couldn’t possibly let an 18-nil lead slip.
Ricky Stuart: Uhhhhh... sorry, we kind of lost. By kind of a lot.
Solila: Fuck! Seriously? Well that sucks. Anyway, let’s get on the plane and we can go through the game and work out what worked and what didn’t, you know, find some key areas to target and improve on for next week. It will make this seven-hour flight from Townsville to Canberra a useful endeavour.
Ricky Stuart: Yeah, about that… we can’t actually let you onto the plane. The ah, cabin pressure will worsen your broken bone. The one in your head. The one that broke.
Soliola: What the fuck, seriously? How am I going to get back to our nation’s capital then?
♫ Sitcom intro music begins to play ♫
♫ Lost the game and broke my face
Gotta get out of this place
Can't catch a plane to get back home
Thankfully I'm not alone
Team doctor, cheerleader and then me
Driving back in a Suzuki
We need to cross Australia
My name is Sia Soliola ♫
I’d like to think the show deals with the inner workings of today’s modern athlete mixed with some road-trip hi-jinx and some hilarious “I-spy” rounds.
This week is a deadset cracker of a rugby league round, with almost every game a massive brainfuck as to who to tip. Don’t worry everyone, I’m here to walk you through it.
Brisbane Broncos vs Canterbury Bulldogs
Broncs got brought back to earth with a flogging from Manly last week. Stupid Horses. The Dogs, on the other hand, showed some rare fight in their close loss to the Roosters. Hopefully Brissy won’t give them the opportunity to stage a comeback this week and will piss the Dogs well and truly away from the top eight. Hate the Dogs.
Manly Sea Eagles vs South Sydney Rabbitohs
Manly have dropped Turbo Tom Trbojevic for… reasons. I guess Toovey just wants to piss as many people off as he can before he leaves the club. This game has had me umming and aahing all week, and I’m scared. Scared and cold. And hungry. And a little sleepy. The Bunnies need to win this one to get some momentum going into finals; and also to quash Manly’s hopes and dreams. Quashing Manly’s hopes and dreams is always a bonus. On form… I’m sorry. I can’t not tip Manly.
New Zealand Warriors vs St George Illawarra Dragons
The Warriors have opted not to play Konrad Hurrell in this match, dropping him to NSW Cup, presumably to ensure that they will be knocked out of finals contention by losing matches, rather than through points differential. Noble fuckers, don’t you think?
Cronulla Sharks vs Nth Queensland Cowboys
Time for both of these teams to nut up or shut up – the Sharkies have somehow managed to sneak their grubby little way into fifth place, while the Cowboys have been in premiership-winning form. A win by either team will give them a boost heading into the arse-end of the season. Go Cowbs, but only fucking just.
Parramatta Eels vs Penrith Panthers
Business as usual for both teams last week as they both managed to rack up losses. I guess one team will improve that this week. Stats and form and stuff are pointing me towards the Penny Panthers. Probably by a lot, actually. Donk a thousand on Bryce Cartwright to single-handedly flog the piss out of the Eels.
Melbourne Storm vs Gold Coast Titans
Melbourne were on the wrong end of what was possibly the upset of the round last week, getting smashed by the War Machine Wests Tigers. The amount of psychological damage acquired may take longer than a week to fully overcome, and it may have fundamentally affected their self-belief and their lack of trust in one another. It could lead to a lack of cohesion within the team mechanics, which is one of the major attacking weapons that their coaching staff has engrained within the team.
On the other hand, fuck the Titans AMIRITE?
Newcastle Knights vs Sydney Roosters
The Knights have had a pretty shitty year in 2015. All they really need now is some kind of scandal, maybe a salary-cap rorting issue, whereby it shows their players are also collecting their aged-care pension as well as match payments. Newcastle are playing like the Australian cricket team lately – and will probably end up the same – losing by about 400. The only thing they can hope for is that the Roosters fall into old habits and go into the game drastically underestimating a bottom-of-the-ladder team and forget to show up.
Canberra Raiders vs Wests Tigers
Both teams have lost some firepower with injuries to Sia Soliola and Josh Hodgson, with a suspension for Edrick Lee for the Raiders, while psychotic ball runner Martin Tapau from the Tigers will also sit out the week for attempted murder and cannibalism in a one-man fight last week. The Raiders welcome back big Sammy Williams from a pec injury, all 5’3 of him – an inclusion that will warm my heart, as the Raiders have struggled like… well, Wests… without him. The only bloke who could stop the Machine de Verde from winning this puppy is fucking Tedesco, who should have fucking signed with Canberra last year. Other players to watch are fucking Brooks and Moses, who show flair in attack, but like most 12-year olds who play first grade, are shithouse in defence. But they could definitely fix your Foxtel if it fucks out… and probably beat you at Call of Duty on the X-Box. You know, those important things in life.