Ten People I Could Do Without
- 1 People who do Austin Powers impersonations
Actually, most people who do impersonations are fucked, unless, you know, that’s their profession, and they are incredibly successful at it. But I’m talking about the people who are doing Austin Powers impressions now, and still expecting everyone around them to laugh, because, you know, we’ve only had to deal with fifteen years of shithouse office impersonations of people saying, “Shagadellic, baby!” and looking around like a gormless dick for approval.
- 2 People who hang around way too long after a conversation has ended
Everyone loves a good chat. Nobody likes an awkward conversation. A major difference between the two is the way they end. You tell your story, the other bloke adds into it, you make a clever quip, he responds. You both laugh, say, “Catch you later, tiger,” and go your separate ways, thinking, “You know, that was a great little chat. Good times.” The other end of the spectrum sees you tell your story, he tells one that may or may not relate to yours (yet goes twice as long), you make a joke about it, he doesn’t get it and retells the story, you nod politely, he tells another story, you laugh politely at the end and prepare to say, “Catch you later, tiger!” but he begins another story that he forgets the ending of, and stands in front of you for the next ten minutes as he tries to remember what the original point of the whole thing was before giving up and walking away, only to return about an hour later to do it all again.
- 3 The guy at the pub who tries to talk to you
You’re standing at the bar, waiting to order your beer. The bloke next to you leans over and says, “Busy in here tonight, isn’t it?” You say, “Yeah!” laugh and carry on waiting. He waits for eight seconds and then leans back in and says, “I’m used to it. I’m really busy at work. All the time.” You nod and say, “Yeah. Same,” and then get back to waiting. He says, “I work in IT...” You have some choices to make now – grab a glass from the nearest table and smash it over his head, smash yourself over the head, or keep nodding at the guy as he tells you about his programming skills and how his workmates are in awe of him to the point that they don’t talk to him. Unfortunately, every time you go to get a drink that night, this guy will be there.
- 4 Small talkers at work
You are in your workplace. You are carrying a mug of coffee. Some genius sees you and says, “Coffee time, eh?” Yes, dickhead. I am drinking coffee. I don’t walk up to you when you’re opening the toilet door and say, “Off for a poo, eh?”
- 5 People who start sentences with “I saw something on A Current Affair last night…”
When you hear this, run. You will also not be able to admit to having friends who are labourers, as they are all shady and will rip you off at any stage, and you will have to hide the fact that you aren’t racist and you actually enjoy other cultures, and not just when it is confined to “their house.” You will also be judged because you shop at Woolies, as it was ‘proven’ that Coles is better.
- 6 Bogans
You know the ones – they have the car up on blocks in their front yard, which consists of knee-high grass while they swear at the toddlers who keep pulling down the bedsheet curtains in the living room, and will yell at you to “Fuck off” if you look at their dog again. Looking at pit bulls that are frothing at the mouth and have an eye missing isn’t really a passion of mine, so I will accept their offer.
- 7 Food spitters
It happens to everyone – you’re eating a sandwich, someone says, “Hey Mister Evil Breakfast, you are very good looking,” (or something of the ilk), and you say, “Thanks,” as a small chunk of bread flies out of your mouth. The normal thing to do is cover your mouth, apologise for accidentally spitting food at them, and then apologise for being so much better looking than them to start with, and you hope it doesn’t make them feel inferior. The thing you don’t do is continue to talk and spit food at them to the point where they have eaten more of your sandwich than you have.
- 8 Enthusiasts
Hobbies are great. I like hobbies, and I plan to have one some day. But I will try not to let my hobby become my personality to the point that I cannot talk about anything other than my hobby. I don’t know why, but enthusiasts always have enthusiasm for really shit things that no one really gives a shit about. Snow globes. Clouds. Cars. Spoons.
- 9 People who went through the same thing. But worse.
A friend of mine once described these people as, “if you told them that you had a black cat, their cat would be blacker.” Nothing you ever do or say will be quite up to scratch as to what they have done. Climbed Everest? They did it faster, without food, with a backpack full of bricks while dragging a cement truck up the “bit where it goes vertical.”
“I also did that,” you quip. “But I had two cement trucks.”
Without batting an eyelid, they will ask, “were they full of cement?”
I say, “Yes.”
They say, “So was mine, but it was full of this new cement that weighs like eight... fifteen... about thirty times the weight of normal cement. You probably haven’t heard about it.”
No, I haven't. Because cement isn't my hobby.
- 10 Bloggers who complain about things
Seriously, don’t they have other things to do? Especially at Christmas.