Monday, December 17, 2012

On the sixth day of Christmas, my true love gave to me...

Six things about getting old(er)

I recently celebrated another year of avoiding being hunted down and killed for my good looks, charm and the fact that I have never ever had belly-button lint, and headed deeper into the age bracket of “30 something.”  I wouldn’t quite go so far as to call myself “old” (I have been known to call myself “awesome” and “a pioneer of pirate rights” though), yet I cannot deny the fact that I might not quite be described as “young” anymore either.  Here are six things about getting beyond 20-something: 

  1.  Changing the radio station more frequently
I have noticed my penchant for changing the radio station in my car from one that plays modern “I-suppose-the-kids-call-it music” to ones that only play songs prior to 1992 or the ones that have nothing but interviews with molecular scientists and keen gardeners has increased.  This also leads to:

  1.  I turn the radio down when the music is on, and up when the news reports begin
While I haven’t officially removed the FM button (I’m so old I was about to say “dial”) from my wireless transistor radio, I find myself wincing at the first shitty electronic beats of the new fandangled song from Captain Dubstep and the Beets of Baghdad or whoever the new ‘rad dude’ is these days, and subsequently turn it down (after a quick trip around the rest of the FM band and finding the doof-doof tunes are better than Harvey Norman ads).  But when I hear the chime of the news hour (or half hour, if I’m that lucky), the volume goes back up.  I prefer to hear about what the people think of Tony Abbott’s shoes than what Kanye is cooking up in his solid gold mansion.  This also leads to:

  1.  I still listen to the radio, especially in my car
I can’t find the iPod connector, and it was never really that good anyway.  And I find that my iPod has about 12,000 songs on it, and 11,900 of them I’m not in the mood of listening to anyway.

  1.  I can remember seeing the original TV shows that all movies and subsequent TV-show spin-offs are now based on
This gives me the right (and responsibility) to hate 16-year old kids who think that the new movie is better than the original.  It’s not, you pubes.  It is much, much worse.  You fucking idiots are impressed by absolute tripe.  There was no need for Bumblebee not to be able to talk, and why did they inexplicably make his “stereo voice” compatible with the film ‘Forrest Gump’ for the second film?  If you haven’t seen Transformers 1 or 2, you won’t understand that, and you’re luckier for it.

  1.  Teenage kids shit me to tears. 
Why does everything they wear look like it was bought from the same shithouse teenage girl’s clothes shop, why is it all pink, why is it so short and why is it all so tight?  Why do they only get half a haircut?  Why are they all employed at Boost Juice?  Why can’t any of them spell properly?  Why do they all have new iPhones?   Why do they all take photos of their balls and email them to each other?  Why can’t they get my McDonalds order right?  Why is there always one walking around crying?  Why do they talk in American accents?  Why do they think it’s cool to have ADHD?  Why do they all pretend to have it, when they’re just massive dickheads?  Why can't they get out of my fucking way?  Why are they so loud?  Why do they wear beanies in the summer?  Why do they wear hats at night? 
  1.  I’m going to skip the whole Blu Ray thing
I’d almost caught up on upgrading my VHS movie collection to DVD and then they throw this bullshit at me.  I watched a Blu Ray movie a few weeks back and it looked suspiciously the same like the movie I’ve owned on tape for the last 20 years.  Also, it kept trying to connect my machine to the internet so I could see some bonus behind the scenes things.  I can’t even connect my computer to the internet most days, so good luck with that.  Occasionally, I will disconnect and, you know, leave the house.  Also, I don’t like it when they misspell a product name.  There’s really no reason for it, and it’s making the kids stupider.

Time for a nap.  Get out of here, you young whippersnappers.


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