Monday, December 24, 2012

On the eleventh day of Christmas, my true love gave to me...

Eleven Rhyming Slang Words

Rhyming slang is rad; just ask anyone (don't).  According to legend, rhyming slang came about as a way for shifty folk to discuss their shifty business without people catching on to their shiftiness.  There are classic rhymes like ‘apples and pears’ for ‘stairs’ and ‘trouble and strife’ for ‘wife’ (which are reduced to ‘apples’ and ‘trouble’ respectively, just to add to the confusion) - I'm not sure why you'd really need to hide any information about stairs or your wife, but that's what separates us from the Cockneys.  Also, their accents.  And their hats. 

In this day and age of political correctness and on this very strugglesome eleventh day of Christmas, I think it's well past Update Cockney Rhyming Slang o'clock.   

1.       Michael Clarke – dark, which is then Cockneyed again (double Cockney combo) to Michael Clarke's nickname, Pup.  So now an oft-quoted phrase by our fearless cricketing captain becomes, "It’s pretty Pup in this closet!”

2.   Family stickers - Pink French knickers, because it would be a lot less embarrassing to ask for a pair of ladies undergarments (you know, if you're a guy) than buy some of those fucking Family Stickers that seem to come as a non-optional extra on all family-sized cars.

3.  Beers - Britney Spears.  I actually heard this one from some bloke on Big Brother a few years back, and thought, "Yeah, that's pretty good.  Let's hit the pub for some Britneys."  That guy didn't win, and I've never used it in person.  I'm also going to double the Cockney involved and rhyme Britney with Mike Whitney, so now you can grab yourself a six-pack of Mikes if you so choose.   
4.  Fart - Gina Rineheart.  Next time you're in a crowded elevator, crack a Gina. 

5.  I don't know - Russell Crowe.  Sometimes you just have no fucking clue to a question that someone may ask you.  Instead of sounding gormless like everyone else, respond with a confident "Russell Crowe" or "Rusty."  This won't work if the question is, "Why do chicks think Russell Crowe is attractive?” though. 

6.  Can you lend me a couple of bucks?  - Well this just fucking sucks.  For optimal effect, say it to your empty wallet when with friends.  Self explanatory, really.

7.  KFC - Mike Hussey.  Grab yourself a Colonel Burger from Mr Cricket's next time.  So called because they're both finger lickin' good, and will always give you the runs.

8.  Bike rider - Rock Spider.  They both suck, that's why.  GET OFF THE ROAD, DICKHEAD.  ALSO, stop touching me.

9.  Fridge - Ozzie Ostrich.  Your mate (not Daryl Somers) brings over for a couple of Mike Whitneys, and asks, "Where do you want em?"  Don't give a "Russell Crowe," but tell him where to put them - right in the Ozzie, next to the leftover bucket of Huss.

10.  Shirt - Ernie and Bert.  Yes, I know no one calls them Ernie and Bert, but it rhymes with shirt and I kind of want to walk into a dry-cleaner and ask how much it would be to get the Pup stains out of my Ernie.

11.  Pub - Scrubs.  I really liked the tv show Scrubs... until it went about two seasons too long and it wasn't funny or clever or anything except painful to watch.  Kind of like when you're having a great time out drinking... until you hang around for those two beers too long and you aren't funny or clever or anything except painful to watch too. 
"I'll just change my Ernie and we'll head out for a Whitney." 
"Well this just fucking sucks."
"I guess we're not doing Scrubs then.  Check the ostrich."

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