Monday, December 17, 2012

On the fifth day of Christmas, my true love gave to me...

Five Things I Can’t Do


Spitting is disgusting and I don’t even really want to be able to do it, but the first and last time that I decided to try and look like a cowboy/Australian athlete/massive bogan/all of the above and ‘hock a loogie’, I ended up with most of my attempt hanging off my chin and the rest pooling on my shirt.  Now when I decide to ‘cowboy up’, I just wear my arseless chaps, because I look like much less of a dickhead that way.

Those Magic Eye 3D visual puzzles
Back in about 1995, there was a craze involving patterned paintings that somehow turned into three-dimensional pictures if you stared at them long enough.  I’m not going to say that those pictures were what stopped me from achieving… well, anything, during high school, but they sure as hell didn’t help.  It’s also the reason I can’t look at any Jackson Pollock painting without going cross eyed.  I’m not entirely sure there was ever a fucking sailing boat anyway.  Fucking liars.

Say ‘regularly’ regularly
Give it a crack, and make sure you say it properly.  "Reguly" is not a word.

Work out any magic trick
Get a skeezy bloke with a wand and a sexy assistant, and I’m yours.  Seriously, any magic trick impresses the shit out of me, no matter how often I see it.  And yes, I am that one bloke that keeps “Magicians’ Secrets Finally Revealed” on television.  It all started when I was about 5 and a stage magician turned a woman into a tiger.  I am not kidding.  He really did it.

Find the top bit of my steamer
This one’s a bit trivial, to be honest, but I have a steamer that has three bits to it – there’s a bottom bit that you fill with water, a shelf that goes on top of that where you put your food and a lid to keep the steam inside the whole shebang.  Basically, this thing needs all three pieces to work, and it makes sense to keep them all together.  But I can’t find the lid for it, so it’s all a bit useless.  I have no idea where I would have put it.  Stupid fucking steamer.

1 comment:

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