Tuesday, December 25, 2012

On the twelfth day of Christmas, my true love gave to me...

Twelve people to send to Jennifer Aniston’s house

Here's a new addition to the blog - a little game I like to call "Who's moving to Jennifer Aniston's house?"  It is based on the fact that Jennifer Aniston is quite possibly the most useless person on the face of the planet.  She has starred in a wildly successful sitcom, a few less successful films, and a whole bunch of doing nothing else except sitting around and taking up space in tabloid magazines for the mere fact that she is... basically... Brad Pitt's ex-wife.  Or girlfriend.  Or something.  They used to go out.

The main point is, she has done fuck all and nothing since Friends stopped being made.  No one really missed her.  Somehow though, she remains a part of the paparazzi's list of "fuckwits I need to take photos of while she drinks coffee" and "what does Jen think of Brad Pitt buying a new pair of sneakers?"  I heard that Jen just got engaged, or married or something to some guy I've never heard of who may or may not be a film producer, which is the second most useless occupation ever, next to, you know, being Jennifer Aniston.

The other cast members of Friends managed to fade away gracefully, especially Courtney Cox, who is a missed sandwich away from death as I write this.  Matt Le Blanc tried his hardest; starring as his character Joey in an ill-conceived show called Joey, then finishing his career by playing Matt Le Blanc in a show about himself trying to get another job.  That one failed too.  I can't say I'm too surprised, nor disappointed.

As perfectly fucking illustrated by Sick Boy and Renton in Trainspotting: "First you have it, then you don't, and then it's gone forever."  Then Renton shoots a pitbull in the balls with a bb gun.  

The following celebrities can all band together and become Jennifer Aniston's housemates so they can all sit around together, not bothering anyone and imagining themselves to be of any fucking use at all:
1  Demi Moore
Demi Moore is moore famous now (see what I did there) than when she was actually appearing in movies.  If your biggest claim to fame is being Bruce Willis' ex missus, then you should probably take a moment to sit back in your giant mansion bereft of food and wonder exactly what happened since you rooted Patrick Swayze in his pottery shed.

2  Michael Jackson
Yeah, he's dead, but that doesn't mean that he wasn't tits useless when he was alive.  You can't proclaim to be the King of Pop and then not release anything that wasn't even close to popular - it just doesn't make sense.  Thanks for Thriller, MJ.  It was in 1983, though.    

3  Nicole Kidman
The last good movie Nicole Kidman made was Dead Calm, and that was only because of the mutant sharks and velociraptors that may have/should have appeared in the film.  Everything else has been absolutely rat-shit unwatchable, even when she showed her boobs.  Tom Cruise's scientologist mates put a ban on their kids watching her movies due to their weird religious sci-fi beliefs.  Possibly the greatest achievement in the scientologist movement, in my opinion.

4  Prince
Little Red Corvette, 1999... that other song.  Musical superstar my arse.  Release something since 1989 and I might be interested... but probably not.  I don't care how much eyeliner you wear, you stupid little muppet.  Do something good.

5  Bert Newton
 I'm fucking sick of hearing the words "Australian TV legend" to describe this guy.  Having a hit show in the 70s doesn't make you a legend, it means you had a fucking tv show on during the 70s in Australia, when there were only 2 channels.  Chances are, if you flicked over to the other one, you'd be watching Daryl Somers.  He also spawned Matthew Newton, which takes him down another peg in my books.  To Jennifer's house with all of you, Newtons!

6  The Kardashians
The Kardashians are probably the most famous people in the world that are famous just for being famous.  They claim to be constantly "working" which is basically turning up to places and posing for a photo with a bottle of foul smelling swill with their name on it.  That's not a job.  If it was, Dr Pepper would be a millionaire.  I don't believe that man has a doctorate.

7  Lionel Ritchie
The guy danced on a ceiling once in the 80s.  Then he fucked off.  Then somehow his daughter became famous for being a slut/hanging out with sluts.  Now he's famous again.  Sing a new song, fuckbag, or I'll stab you in your perm.  

8  Victoria Beckham-Spice
Another perfume-flogging whore, who has also plonked her name onto a clothing brand in the delusion that it makes her a fashion designer.  She married some bloke who played soccer and had a bunch of ugly children.  Goes to show that the genes don't always fit.  Fuck I'm punny tonight.  I blame the Christmas egg-nog.

9  Lindsay Lohan
Once upon a time, she had a career as being an actress.  Now she's a drug-fucked alcoholic who can't keep a job.  If that was an occupation, I'd be a drug-addiction and an admitted alcohol problem away from having a decent career.

10  Angelina Jolie
Can anyone actually name the last film they saw that had Angelina Jolie as the leading actor?  No.  Didn't think so.  Looking like a hybrid of Skeletor and a Bratz doll has never been, and hopefully will never come to be, a useful occupation.
11  Danii Minogue
Having a tit-tonne more successful older sibling should not give you a free reign to pretend to be a successful entertainer.  The fact that the singing albatross has an ongoing stint on a popular Australian talent show is an abomination in itself.  She might have been famous in Japan in about 1991, but that means fuck all to me when I'm not watching Australia's X-Factored Talented Idols.  For the obligatory judge who might critique another performer for not "connecting with the audience" might want to check out her own resume once in a while. 

12 A partridge in a pear tree.
Seriously, bird - keep away from my fucking fruit.


Anonymous said...

You lost me at Prince. You really suck MEB

Mister Evil Breakfast said...

Didn't you read the article, Anonymous? Prince is the one who sucks, not me. It's probably time to get the Bat-dance cassingle out of your tape deck and realise that he's a massive flog. But small.