So Prince “Duke” William and Kate “Duchess” Middleton are all married and pregnant with the future King of Whales or something, and because they are super busy people doing super busy people things like receiving gifts and posing for portraits, they require a bit of additional help for when the baby arrives. “Arrives” is possibly the strangest word to use in the context of giving birth – I think an “arrival” should indicate a long journey, and let’s be honest – it’s just not that much of a hike to go from belly to jutz. Although I guess “arrival” is a bit of a better way of saying “from belly to jutz” when the baby comes out of Kate Middleton’s vagina.
In any case, since I am all about helping people, I figure I can lend my expertise to the plight of the Royal Family.
Dear The Queen
I am writing to apply to the position of housekeeper as advertised on Yahoo! News the other day. I have had great experience in doing none of the tasks that you have identified as being key duties of the role, and believe my CV will speak for itself. Especially since my CV is a specially-trained parrot who repeats my job experience ad nauseum. Please feed it and send it back to me once it has said its piece. Also, please note that the parrot swears like a sailor (like, a swearing sailor, not one of those mincing dickheads that you probably mix with while you’re yachting about with Elton John, getting sauced on Pimms) and will bite you if you put your fingers too close to his beak. Also, he gets a bit ‘friendly’ after a couple of drinks.
Your advertisement recommends that suitable candidates for the role will “provide a high standard of housekeeping for TRH [their royal highnesses] The Duke and Duchess of Cambridge." My first appointment will just be to call them Prince and Princess, because it’s less confusing for everyone. I am also not going to use the acronym TRH, because it’s a massive wank and I’ve already forgotten what it stands for. With the implementation of changing them to Prince and Princess, I am going to use the acronym P&P instead. It’s a bit catchier.
"Main duties include: ensuring all areas of the residence are cleaned and maintained to a high standard at all times…”. “
I might not clean ALL areas of residence either, because if there’s no one using all 900 bedrooms in their house, then it just doesn’t really matter, right? And there’s something healthy about living in a place with a few germs; it’ll toughen the baby’s immune system right up. William looks like he’d fall apart if he got a sniffle – is that what you want in your great-grandchild, Mrs Queen? I didn’t think so. Also, I want a robot vacuum cleaner thing. That will make my “cleaning” job a whole lot easier.
“Caring for and maintaining TRH personal clothing…”
Caring for and maintaining clothes? You mean “chucking them in the cupboard when they’re not being worn” and “fixing holes in shit”? Yeah, I’m not going to lie to you here, The Queen; you guys aren’t short of coin, so if Wills rips his stockings, I’ll just duck down to K-Mart and grab some new ones for him. Also, I think it would be best if I get to pick what the P&P get to wear on any particular day. That’s a piece of piss; Will gets a pair of jeans and a t-shirt, Kate gets some Daisy Duke shorts and a bikini. For “important” functions where we all get a bit pissed on expensive champagne and meet other “important” people from different countries, Will can wear a sports jacket and pretend he’s an internet entrepreneur billionaire, and Kate can wear the outfit that Princess Leia wore when she was Jabba the Hutt’s slave. You know the one.
“…cleaning silver-ware and glassware…”
I am proficient at cleaning glassware, due to my 14 years of experience at a glassware cleaning company. I’m kidding, I really doubt one exists, basically because people aren’t retarded and can clean glasses themselves, either using the old-fashioned Dishlex dishwasher, or the controversial “I couldn’t be arsed cleaning properly” technique where you just rinse the glass out and put it away. How much glassware does this couple get through anyway, to require glassware cleaning to be a major part of the job description? They are allowed to just drink things from the carton, you know. And if Will is one of those blokes who cracks a stubbie and then pours it into a glass, he’s a dickhead and I’ll be having words with him about it. UNLESS it’s a frosty glass that he keeps in the fridge or freezer, then it’s ok. Also, it’s his shout at the end of the next over.
I have also never polished silverware, nor do I hyphenate it. Can’t be too hard though, right? I’m pretty sure there’s something you can buy from those infomercials on telly that will do the job easily enough. They wash coins and stuff with it to prove how powerful it is. Also; a shower head. To be honest, the P&P should probably clean their own silvers; if you’ve got nice things, you should have to learn how to look after them. Teach a man to fish etc. I will supervise them while they do it instead. Meanwhile, why are they using the good silverware so often? Is the Queen coming to visit, or what? (just kidding, we’ll use the good stuff for you) But seriously, they should use the home-starter kits they sell at K-Mart for about $12, which has about four lots of cutlery in it. They’re surprisingly durable and look a treat. The only problem is that they don’t have caviar spoons, snail forks and testicle scratchers like the fancy sets that you have, but I figure the P&P can get around that little obstacle by not being such fucking nancies about it and use one fork for more than one job. Strangely, it works for the rest of the world. Except for China, where they use chopsticks. And India, where they use bread. Fuck it, it works well for everyone except people in Asia.
“…and in-house laundry."
I don’t mean to be rude, The Queen, but unless P&P’s hands have fallen off, they can probably wash their own jocks once a week. I reckon they’d have good undies too, just quietly, like the ones you can get that have a little coin pocket in them. I don’t think anyone would really use that pocket for coins, because it would look a bit weird if you’re at Woolies and the check-out guy says, “That’ll be $12,” and you have $10 in your wallet so you start fishing around in your crotch for another $2. Although I used to work at Woolies, and that really wouldn’t have been the weirdest thing that I’d ever seen at all. One time, a lady peed in one of the aisles and then smashed a bottle of cordial so it looked like she hadn’t. But everyone was watching her, so that kind of didn’t work out too well for her in the end. Or the guy who had to clean it up.
I believe I would be a useful addition to Will, Kate and Expecting’s family, as I have the skills necessary to make them pretty much do things themselves, and help them to understand that all they’ve really done is had a child, not unlike billions of other families around the world. Also, I’d be pretty good at this job because I reckon Kate’s a bit of alright, and even though her sister is heavily over-rated, she’d probably be a massive slag when she’s pissed, and I think that would be funny, and would probably be worth more than 6 views on youTube.
I look forward to hearing from you in regards to this application.
Mister Evil Breakfast