On the seventh day of Christmas, my true love gave to me...

Seven tv spin-offs

Following the success of the television series Sex and the City and the horrendously shitfull movies that spawned from it, a pre-series series is being made focussing on the life and times of Carrie Bradshaw as a young slut in New York trying to make her mark on the world.  You know, before she became an old slut. 

I don’t think we’ve flogged the Sex and the City horse enough just yet (couldn’t resist a horse joke about Sarah Jessica Parker).  Sure, the movies were nonsensical and lacked both humour and emotion, and the series went on for about four seasons too long, but by gosh they still made a shit tin of coin for the producers.  

Keeping in mind that quality is no longer an issue, I have sent HBO the following pilot episodes of seven new Sex and the City spin-off shows:

1.  Rex and the City

Australian fishing icon Rex Hunt tries his luck to find love in the seafood district of Manhattan, with hilarious results.  Will he net a trophy, or will it be ‘Yibbide Yibbide, That’s all, Folks!’ for our terry-towelling clothed plaid hero?  There are definitely some fish here he will kiss and not throw back! 

2.  Sex and the Fiddy

Rapper 50 Cent and his boyz go cruisin in Harlem for some bitches, yo, with hilarious results.  When Fiddy falls for a white chick with no ass, he is conflicted by his own rubbish music. 

3. Sex and the Skippy

Skippy, arguably one of Australia’s greatest non-human television stars, escapes from the Bronx zoo and takes up a residence in Samantha’s penthouse apartment with hilarious results.  Skippy develops an immediate attraction with Samantha’s younger and obviously more attractive newly-introduced housemate, Sophie.  Will Samantha’s jealousy of Skippy get the better of her, or will she break Sophie’s heart by dobbing him into the authorities? 

4. Becks and the Schnitty

Former soccer superstar David Beckham starts his search in Queens to find New Yorks’s perfect chicken schnitzel, with hilarious results.  Spoiler: he finds it at a place in Little Italy.

5. Dex and the Settee

Perfect Match’s Dexter (kids, ask your parents) travels the Big Apple on the lookout for the perfect couch, with hilarious results.  Along the way, Dexter meets the robot from Lost in Space, Johnny Five and a couple of Daleks.  The Compatibility Rating of this crazy bunch of furniture-mad droids is a perfect ten!

6. Skrillex and the Hippie

The Prince of Dubstep meets up with a stereotypical stoner hippie while on the observation deck at the Empire State Building and form an unlikely friendship during a re-enactment of the famous scene from King Kong, with hilarious results.  This odd couple learn a whole new world through each other’s eyes, while sleeping their way through a whole busload of sexy, eligible tourists.

7. Tex and the Whippy

Former Cruel Sea singer Tex Perkins buys an ice-cream truck to sell sexy soft-serve cones to the beautiful ladies of New York, with hilarious results.  In the opening episode, Tex takes a wrong turn on the interstate and runs out of petrol somewhere near Texas and has a spiritual awakening.  Also, he gets scared by a coyote howl.

Do do do… doo doo do doo.  Do do dooo… Doodoo.