NRL 2011 Finals Week 3: Fuckwits and Robocop

Robert Lui is a fuckwit, and has joined Todd Carney at the top of my “youse guys are fuckwits” list. For the second time in two years, he has been charged with bashing his girlfriend following a Tigers’ season-ending loss. Last year, he was given nine assault charges from the one incident; that’s quite impressive, especially considering that she was pregnant at the time. But boys will be boys, right? And besides, Lui is a rugby league player who abides by different laws than regular people, and has an official “Get Out Of Jail Free” card. Besides, you don’t know how hard it is to earn a shit-tin of money to do something you love, and he needed to blow off some steam by sinking a gallon of grog and then flogging the shit out of someone less than half his size.

This year, police were called following a domestic disturbance and found a woman with bruising and swelling to her face. Lui flashed his “Get Out Of Jail Free” card again, only to see that it had expired just a month prior, and he was subsequently given the proverbial slap on the wrist. The Tigers footy club did the right thing… for them… by calling all of their sponsors to inform them of what happened and then offered counselling to Lui and his partner. Hopefully Lui’s counsellor turns out to be Chopper Reid, or Batman. That’d be tops.

In other news, Darren Lockyer did the most Australian thing possible last week by breaking his face while playing, staying on the field, kicking the winning goal, saved some orphans from a fire, and therefore went down in folklore as the greatest human to walk God’s green earth since that bloke who cut off his head to escape a rock fall in the Grand Canyon, then walked 600kms to staple it back on again.

Since the game, Lockyer has undergone cyborg surgery to have his face reattached (and a gun holster in his leg; it was an added bonus), and has actually taken medical advice to rule himself out from playing this weekend. I am not sure if it’s for his own safety or the safety of those around him in case his CPU fucks out and he starts killing people. Either way, he’s not playing due to safety, which is the smartest thing that any retiring rugby league player has ever done. Remember when Terry Lamb lost the GF in 1994 (I do. Go you Raiders!) and was meant to retire, but then came back in 1995 to try and get that fairytale finish? Yeah, that didn’t work and was embarrassing for everyone involved.

Finals week trio:
Manly vs Broncos
Storm vs Warriors

Game of the Round
Eh probably the Manly/Broncos shindig. It’ll be interesting to see if Lockyer tries to use his new eye-laser on Daly Cherry-Evans or just uses mind control on Sam Thaiday to beat the living shit out of him.

Upset of the Round
It’ll be an upset if a captainless Broncos team can beat the Manly boys. I’d rather slide a few coins over the Warriors, who I kind of forgot about this week. If Melbourne are as memory-deficient as I am, they might even lose. But probably not.

Raiders:
Still last.

This is not going to end well

MEB cumulative score: 122

Mister Evil Breakfast Wants a Farm and a Wife Who Has A Farm (maybe)

The phenomenon that is Farmer Wants a Wife carries on and continues to grow in popularity, as Australia’s love of blokes with akubras and flannies who don’t mind having flies root on their faces while they try and pick up chicks shows no signs of slowing down.

My last foray into applying for the world of reality television came in the form of a torturous process to get onto Big Brother. Alas, my application did not progress, which is a shame; I could have done with winning $1 million and pashing a few bogans.

The process to get onto Farmer is a bit easier. To apply as one of the hornbag chicks looking to bag a husband, you just have to answer a handful of questions and agree to make out with some bloke who’s been rolling around in pig shit all day. Then you go to the Farmer’s website, click on the farmer you want to go sheep drenching with, and if he thinks, “Oh yeah, wouldn’t mind mucking out her stable,” then you’re in like Old Farmer McGlynn.

To be a bachelor farmer on the show, it’s not much harder. And for a program whereby you basically get a couple of free farmhands in high heels to help you knock up a barbed-wire fence, there really should be a few stricter guidelines. I’ve seen previous seasons of Farmer, and the farmers are traditionally in the middle of Bumfuck Nowhere, in a massive span of dirt that stretches for motherfucking light years. It wouldn’t be hard for a farmer to ‘accidentally’ lose one of the contestants in a shallow grave just “up yonder behind the creek,” if you catch my drift.

So I’ve decided to become both a contestant and a farmer on the next season of the show. I think I’m in with a chance.

FWAW – EXPRESSION OF INTEREST FORM:
This can be filled out by yourself (a farmer), or you can fill it out to nominate a friend of yours who is a single farmer.
Please email the form to: farmer@fremantlemedia.com.au

Application for Farmer Wants a Wife
CONDITIONS:
1.You must attach 2 photographs in total:
•one head/shoulders

•one full body length
2.You must agree to live on a farm for the length of the shoot, approximately 11 days.
I’m not sure if 11 days is enough time to have sex with all of the women I choose before picking which one I’m going to marry.

3.You must be single and genuinely looking for love.

Just don’t tell my girlfriend/s or wife/s.

4.You must be 18 years or over.

I have a tattoo.

5.We will conduct background police checks on applicants chosen to meet the farmers, and you must agree to this as part of your application.

Good luck; I have my DNA replaced every six weeks.

6.Applications must be received online. Applications received by post will not be accepted.

That’s a bit harsh.

7. For more information please apply.

You shouldn’t have to apply just to get further information, honestly.

If you have any problems filling this in, please call us on 02) 9434 0777

If I have problems filling this form in, I don’t think I’d be able to use a phone. And if I have to apply online and not by post, you should have an email address. Apparently you guys don’t believe in the ‘old ways.’ That doesn’t sound very farm friendly.

Name of Farmer:

Mister Evil Breakfast

Age & Date of Birth:

Old enough to kick your ass. And it's always my birthday, so I’m expecting presents and cake every fucking day.

Phone:

Yes, it’s a really old Nokia.

Email:

Obviously, this is being lodged by email. There is no other way to lodge this shit.

Location of the farm:

Just up yonder, behind the creek.

Type of Farm:

Dinosaur farm

Size of Farm:

Big enough that if you were to run around it, you’d come back puffing and panting.

Nearest Town and Airport:

Nearest town is Montreal, and the closest airport is in Guam. Strangely, the farm is in Canberra.

Do you own your own farm?

Define “own” in both of the senses that you have used it in this sentence. Then define “farm.” That should keep you occupied for a while.

Do you live and work full time on the farm?

Yes, except for when I go to work at the office, which is most days.

Accommodation on the farm (how many can stay there):

Depends how fat they are. You could fit two on my couch, easy.

Does the Farmer know he/she has been nominated?

I’m pretty drunk, so I might not remember it tomorrow.

Has the Farmer ever been married? Divorced?

I’m just married to the job. And my wife. And my husband. Oooh controversial.

Is the Farmer looking for love?

Aaaaaw this is a sweet question. I’m actually just looking for my keys, and I reckon one of the girls stole them.

PHOTO OF FARMER (please insert a photo in this box, or attach on to the email when sending this form)

PHOTO/s OF FARM (please insert a photo in this box, or attach on to the email when sending this form)
One of my brontosauruses showing off.

Free-range gallimimus herd

Free-range gallimimus herd meets free-range tyrranosaur

And that is literally all there is to it. Remember the good old days when you would date people with similar interests to you? Not anymore - with the information held in this application form, you can just imagine the number of great discussions you can have with the man/woman of your dreams about the size of your farm and how you are fully aware that you have been nominated. Actually, having seen the show, that's really not that far off the typical conversation.

See you at the reunion!

NRL 2011 Finals Week 2: It's almost cricket season

Where has this week gone? In a drunken haze. Oh yeah. According to a calendar that I nicked from the newsagent (I had to get the fireman one, didn’t I?), a whole week has elapsed. In that time, two teams from the NRL comp have been given the arse (hahah suck shit Newcastle, you losers), with another couple to join them on the great burning scrapheap that is finals footy.

There really hasn’t been much to write about this week; Todd Carney is keeping remarkably quiet as he practices writing an “X” in the “sign here” bit on his Cronulla contract, which always keeps things fairly low-key. The biggest news of the week was when NRL Supreme Ruler Dave Gallop got booed by Melbourne fans when he awarded them the minor premiership. Fucking Melbourne dickheads – they really don’t understand sport at all, do they?

But even that wasn’t enough to stop Australians everywhere (but mostly in Australia) from getting all “Aaaaw yeah!” on themselves as they high-fived each other following Samantha “Yessdad I yam lookin aftr meslf” Stosur’s victory in some tennis match. To be perfectly Francine, it’s about time she fucking won. It’s her job, after all.

Finals week two:
Wests Tigers vs New Zealand Warriors
Brisbane Broncos vs St George-Illawarra Dragons

As much as I like the Warriors, I think they’re going to get rubbed out this week. To make things worse, they’re going to get done by the fucking Tigers. I can’t think of a worse team to fuck you over, honestly. God they shit me, and I don’t even know why. It’s probably mostly to do with that Marshall bloke, he seems like a bit of a dick. And he is basically the only player on the Tigers team, right? Right. (Don’t write to me with the fucking Tigers playing roster either, I just don’t care).

The Dragons have been less than impressive lately, and despite me trying to explain it last week (I convinced myself, so that was something), I’m no longer buying their bullshit and they should lose to the Broncs. Easy as.

Game of the round:
Eh. One of the ones above. There’s only two to choose from. You can pick one.

Upset of the round:
Slide a sneaky lobster on the Warriors. It’s pay week, you can get a bit extravagant.

What are the Raiders doing?
Hopefully washing my car. God knows they owe it to me.

Have you ever seen Jarryd Hayne and the Indian deity Vishnu in the same place at the same time? Of course not, and this is why.

MEB cumulative score: 121

NRL 2011 Finals Week 1: Fucking Carney

I do love it when my most favouritest person in the whole wide world splashes his gormless mug across the country’s newspapers; lucky for me, Todd Carney is a shit magnet. This time, Todd and the Sydney Roosters have parted ways following constant off-field shenanigans and general on-field shittiness. By all reports, the split was 'amiable' and at the very least, it meant that Todd learned a new word this week.

This news has left the rugby league community scratching their collective noodles wondering, “What next for this pillar of society?” There are two main schools of thought (and I never thought I’d use that phrase in relation to Carney) about his future:

• 
  
  One is that you just fuck him off and send him on the first manned expedition into the sun.


• 
  
  The other is that ‘the kid needs help.’

I’m all about firing up the NASA rockets again, personally. For one, Todd Carney is not ‘a kid.’ He is 25 years old. Since the age of fuck-knows, he has no doubt got away with doing little work for huge reward based on his skills as a footy player. I’d be surprised if he can tie his own shoelaces, to be perfectly honest. Whenever he fucked up in the past, someone was there to make sure he was picked up, brushed off, bailed out, paid off, and everything kept all hush-hush because Todd’s just a kid and doesn’t know any better.

Life’s fucked when you’re an adult, hey Todd? Time to stop looking around for someone to throw you a lifeline, tiger, and get yourself sorted out. It’s not up to your club, your mum, the town of Goulburn or your best mate’s cousin Frank to give you a hand. Welcome to the lovely world of Consequence (Todd: if you are getting someone to read this out loud for you, please note that Consequence isn’t the actual name of another world that you have unknowingly travelled to).

The only real disappointment of the week was that when asked about the chances of Carney returning to Canberra, the Raiders said, “Not in 2012; we cannot fit him in under the salary cap” instead of “he can go fuck himself. If he comes anywhere fucking near us, we’ll set him on fire and put him out with a chain.”


Oh, there’s also some finals matches on this weekend:

Wests Tigers vs St George-Illawarra Dragons
Brisbane Broncos vs New Zealand Warriors
Manly Sea Eagles vs North Queensland Cowboys
Melbourne Storm vs Newcastle Knights

While the Dragoons haven’t been in the greatest form of late, I’m putting that little slump down to Wayne “The Great Wayne” Bennett ordering his troops to meander around the field like puppies and not get hurt for the last few weeks. After all, they’d already secured a top eight position so why risk having one of your good players break his leg while tackling Jarryd Hayne?

The Brissy vs Warriors game is almost too close to call. Without Thaiday and Hoffman, the Brisbanes will have to rely on some good ol’ inbred Queensland spirit to get through. Don’t ever underestimate the power of inbred Queenslanders.

Upset of the Round:
I’ll be upset if Newcastle win. They are seriously shit and I’m pretty sure that they’re all hoping that no one double-checks the results book and realises that they’re not meant to be there.

Game of the Round:
Raiders vs… oh. Never mind.

Reasons the Raiders didn't want to win this year #1: Trophies are heavy

MEB cumulative score: 118

Why are you here?

At time of writing, 18 968 people have found their way onto Mister Evil Breakfast. Who are these people? I don’t know all of them, but I can say that a few of those hits were courtesy of Binky, my helper monkey who has been trained to click refresh a few times each day. That, and chain-smoke cigarettes. I like my monkeys to stay classy.

So how did people come across this wonderous piece of shit blog?

Here’s how exactly (I think you can click it to make it bigger if your eyes are hurting, but it didn't work when I just tried. But you might have better luck):

Some interesting points:

1. I'm not the only one wondering about Jade and Sonya from Neighbours being sisters as well as being of completely different races

2. Someone Googled 1800 06555 06 (the Australian Reading/Writing Hotline) number and managed to find my blog, instead of, you know, the Australian Reading/Writing Hotline.

3. At least one reader had the patience to visit what I can only imagine would be a billion sites that come up when searching for "yung girls fuckin yuorfrinds" before somehow landing on mine. I don't know which page he landed upon, but I hope he found what he was looking for. Probably not though.

2011 NRL Round 26: Angry Breakfast Rant

Round 26, where have you been all my life?

The 2011 comp is nearly (not quite) over, and it couldn’t help but go down in a massive blaze of gloriously blazing glory this week, with the Manly vs Adam Blair fight dominating headlines. For unfairly being beaten up by six Manly players, Blair was suspended for five games, thereby ending his season somewhat prematurely. Hehe premature is a funny word.

I’ve almost liked Manly this season – fuck it, I’m going to say it – I HAVE liked them. They haven’t been the usual shitbricks that NRL fans are used to dealing with; they’ve played some expansive football and haven’t been massive cockheads about life. But this week… fucking hell. Glenn “Not Guilty… oh wait… Guilty” Stewart decided to fuck the whole year up by being a massive douchenozzle. He was charged with fighting; an act caught by a thousand cameras as well as about 40,000 witnesses, yet still wanted to plead not guilty to the accusation. Fuck off, dicklord – your brother got away with diddling a 12 year old (or something) but that doesn’t mean your whole family has a Get Out of Jail Free card. Upon advice that he would “lose the case” if he pleaded “not guilty,” Glenn fired his lawyer (“me want to win!”) and hired a new one, who somehow persuaded him to plead “guilty” the next day. My sources say the promise of a stuffed toy monkey and a bag of M&Ms did the trick.

It's a pity that Manly decided to ruin it for everybody, because there are a couple of crackerjack games this weekend.

St George Dragons vs Penrith Panthers
Newcastle Knights vs South Sydney Rabbitohs
New Zealand Warriors vs North Queensland Cowboys
Cronulla Sharks vs Wests Tigers
Gold Coast Titans vs Parramatta Eels
Brisbane Broncos vs Manly Sea Eagles
Sydney Roosters Melbourne Storm

Upset of the Round:
Plonk a Stuey Diver on the Roosters to beat the Storm. F*ck it, you won’t miss $5, but the $200,000,000 you’ll get back might come in handy one day if they do win.

Game of the Round:
Canterbury-Bankstown Bulldogs vs Fucking Canberra Raiders
All eyes will be on this game, seeing as its outcome will have monumental effects on the rest of the competition.

I’m lying of course, this game means motherfucking dick all; the Bulldogs will need to win by a literal cricket score in order to keep their season alive, while the Raiders are safe from the dreaded wooden spoon for another year, somehow having done just enough to not be coming dead fucking last. With absolutely nothing on the line except stopping the Dogs from racking up an embarrassing scoreline, this game is destined to add another rubbish dimension to a particularly rubbish season from the Mighty Green Machine. Better luck next year, boys.

Games I’m Secretly Excited About:
The battle for the spoon between the Titans and the Eels is freakin awesome. You couldn’t plan for the final round to decide who is officially the shittest. This game promises to be more hypnotically retarded than those two chicks who slap each other with pizza.

Special mention must also go to the Bunnies vs Newcastle stoush, which will decide who carries onto the finals. I really hope the Rabbitohs make it; I still don't understand how Newcastle got to where they are. I mean... they suck. Seriously suck. The Bunnies will be missing Greg Inglis, who has succumbed to a nasty break in his Not-Playing-In-A-Representative-Match-So-Fuck-It, which is a small bone in the foot, although seeing as he has been like my bathroom tap this year (hot and cold - see what I did THERE?), I'm sure they'll manage without him.

The Raiders have been experimenting with anti-gravity boots this season. It obviously hasn't worked

MEB cumulative score: 113

Don’t let it go to voicemail

The end of August is a sad time for every Canberran, as the lights dim on Canberra Appreciation Month and life returns to normal, and we can go back to ignoring the National Museum, declaring the ugliness of Woden and Belconnen, and openly rubbish the Canberra Raiders.

As an end-of-MEBCAM treat for everyone, I have found an ode to the national capital entitled “Canberra’s Calling to You,” written by one Jack Lumsdaine in 1938. Yes, I’m serious, this is an actual anthem for Canberra that I didn’t write, hence the lack of references to the Hyperdome and Todd Carney.

So without any further Amaroo, I hereby declare Mister Evil Breakfast’s Canberra Appreciation Month CLOSED.

Take it away, Jack:

Canberra’s Calling to You

Rolling plains of the South land
Vast and wide and free
Windswept grass waving restless
Green as the mighty sea
Our great Commonwealth of Australia
Founded her new home
From God’s good earth
There came the birth of our capital our own

Like a jewel so rare
In a setting so fair
A city of white was born,
With its gardens of blooms
And its rare perfumes
That greet each sunny morn,
Australia’s creation
The heart of the nation
‘Neath azure skies of blue,
Wherever you are
Be it near or far,
Canberra’s calling to you

The 78m high Australia-American War Memorial not only looks a treat, it also keeps the magpies away

Looks like we've got a whole new Situation

Move over, Snooki, Guidos and Guidettes! The next generation of reality TV superstars is set to hit our screens in a brand new show that is going to take the world by storm! From the streets of Civic to the cafes of Manuka, welcome to…

Join five of Canberra’s most outrageous personalities for a wild season in the nation’s capital as friendships and relationships are forged, broken and fixed within the same heartbeat.

Meet Tom, from the mean streets of Red Hill and has grown up without knowing real privilege. For his 16th birthday, his parents bought him a new BMW when he specifically had asked for an Alfa Romeo. It didn’t really matter though, as Tom wrote that car off a week later and bought an Alfa anyway.
Quote: It’s just money, don’t worry about it.

Kirryly is a hot bogan hairdresser who has been seen at all the big events, including Kylie’s 21st, Jorda’an’s 23rd and Adam’s going-away party. Asked to describe herself in one word, Kizza replied: “I am a really simple person, like, I like to, you know, like just be me at home, by, like, just on my, you know, on my own, or I love going out and getting off.” Kirrily is nearing 900 Facebook friends.
Quote: FML!

Justin is a 28-year old public servant who works in the IT section of an undisclosed Government department. He has always wanted to try paintballing, but hasn’t been able to arrange it with his friends yet. His favourite food is Cheese and Bacon Balls, and he enjoys email.
Quote: The cake is a lie.

Guy is a professional student, having spent the last 16 years on the ANU Campus, completing at least a year of a range of Arts subjects. He is a self-taught musician and can play the bongos, sitar, and tobacco hookah.
Quote: I’m sensing some strong vibes here.

Angela is a bubbly 20-something year old graphic designer from Hackett. This average income earner enjoys a drink on a Friday night (“or while watching Farmer Wants a Wife!”) and hits the gym with her best friend twice a week. Ange loves travelling and is hoping to do a European trip next year.
Quote: Seriously, what the fuck is wrong with you?

With Canberra’s unmistakable cityscape providing a playground for the Burley Shore crew, there’s never a shortage of drama. Tom and Kirryly begin a relationship within seven minutes of entering Moosheads (“It was a record for both of us!”), while Angela tries to make awkward conversation with Justin (“he seems nice, but kept quoting jokes from The Big Bang Theory”). Guy refused to even enter the nightclub, protesting that the drinks were better at the Wig n Pen pub, and waited outside.

On Day 2, Tom and Kirryly break up, make up and break up again, while Justin and Guy bond over their common brand of laptops (Apple). When Ange and Kirryly struggle to become friends, Kirryly suggests that they should “Agreeta Disagree,” a ritual that she believes has Pagan influences, and people like “Napoleon and Maximus from Gladiator did to end their fighting.” Justin performs a concert on his sitar to mellow everyone out.

And that's just the first two days!

For Parliament House-flag-sized entertainment (that’s 12.8m x 6.4m), tune into the capital ACTion of the Burley Shore. Coming soon.

Canberra Fact of the Day

Canberra was going to be the setting for the next series of Underbelly, but had to cancel due to its low-crime rate following Todd Carney’s departure.

NRL 2011 Round 25: Licking the Spoon

WOAHOHOHOHO (pronounced exactly how it’s spelt) this is a good week of footy – there’s top of the table clashes in what could/should be a Grand Final preview betwixt the Storm and Manly; Newcastle and the Bunnies keep playing for their own survival; the Dragons’ recent shithouse form is going to be put to another test against a shit-hot Warriors side; and everyone else is scrambling to keep off the bottom of the ladder. I’m particularly interested in the Eels vs Roosters game this weekend, which will pretty much be like watching seagulls fight over the last chip on earth.

Parramatta Eels vs Sydney Roosters
Manly Sea Eagles vs Melbourne Storm
Canterbury Bulldogs vs Newcastle Knights
Nth Queensland Cowboys vs Cronulla Sharks
St George-Illawarra Dragons vs New Zealand Warriors
Brisbane Broncos vs South Sydney Rabbitohs
Wests Tigers vs Gold Coast Titans

Upset of the Round:
Chuck a sneaky tenner on the Titans.

Off-field bullshit of the Round:
The Roosters have ‘dumped’ Nate “The Human Soft-Serve Machine” Myles from the club, an entire two weeks before he is set to head off to the Gold Coast to play for the Titans. It’s like sending an anorexic kid to bed without any dinner. Grow some balls, you fucking dickheads. It’s no wonder no one likes you (that, and the whole Freddy Fittler thing).

Game of the Round:
Canberra Raiders vs Penrith Panthers

Canberra Appreciation Month probably hasn’t gone entirely according to plan for the Raiders, having lost all of their matches during this hallowed and spiritual time. Like a sacrificial red-headed lamb with a busted face, captain Alan Tongue has thrown himself upon the pyre in a last-ditch attempt to bring out some Raiders pride for his final home-ground appearance this weekend.

If that’s not enough to bring out a decent performance from his team, then nothing will.

It’s also handy that the Green Machine are facing the Panthers this week, which is about as good a chance as they’re going to get to scrape together a win, like a bloke searching through the back-seat of his car for $5.50 for parking change – it’s not a lot, but it’s just enough to improve his day. Penrith have been struck a few major blows this week, as centre Michael Jennings is out with another drinking injury, and Luke Lewis was ruled out because he just couldn’t be fucked playing any more. The Sanyo Panthers have struggled on the road this year (Michael Jennings must have been driving), which also bodes well for the Canberra lads. Unfortunately, it’s stats like that that create false hope, especially for a numpty team like Canberra.

If the boys can’t lift for Canberra Appreciation Month, for me, for the fans, for Lime Green Milk, for the wooden spoon, or for Tonguey… then fuck em.

Why I don't play NRL #3: They don't like it when you fuck dogs.

MEB cumulative score: 107

Canberra Faqt of the Dei

Canberrans like to prove themselves more Canberran than other Canberrans by telling them about the last time they remember it snowing in the city.

Canberra Fact of the Day

The number of spruikers in Canberran shopping centres outnumber the customers by 7:1, which has forced mergers within the spruiking industries. This has resulted in a 10,000% increase in the number of Somalian children signing up for gym memberships.

The distance between us

In most cities, the concept of distance and time are constants – a metre is 100 centimetres, a kilometre is made up of 1000 metres and so on. Canberra is the only city in Australia (perhaps even the world) in which distance warps itself beyond all recognition. Normally, a ten-kilometre journey is commonplace; you’d barely even mention it on your Facebook update (“LOL just leavnig work for the 10km trek home hope johnny has put the dinner on LOL cant wait for winners n loosers tonite LOL”), but in Canberra, a ten-kilometre journey is one worthy of an epic Greek poem. Funnily enough, when I was picking up some fish and chips the other week, the Greek bloke behind the counter started reciting one, but I really didn’t have time to listen; I had hot chips and a chiko roll to get home, and about eight k’s to cover. I needed all the time I could muster.

Despite the lack of major traffic concerns when driving in the nation’s capital; there’s little congestion, the lanes are wide, the green lights ample, the roads are paved and flat; the laws of time and space in Canberra deter people from venturing too far from their own driveways. It is not uncommon to witness a person from Belconnen begin to shake and sweat uncontrollably once they have ventured outside their own suburb.

Despite constant police warnings about going into districts with a different postcode than your own, many Canberrans still take that risk – and pay the price.
“Hello?”
“Steve, it’s Eric. How’s things?”
“Good mate, how about you?”
“Fucked – my car’s broken down. Reckon you can pick me up?”
“Yeah of course, where are you?”
“Just near Kaleen.”
“…”
“Steve?”
“…”
“STEVE?”
“Sorry mate. I can’t do that.”
“I pulled you out of your house when it was burning down!”
“Yeah, but you lived next door. You didn’t have to, you know, drive.”
“You married my sister!”
“Yeah, but she also lived next door. What was I going to do, marry someone in Hughes?”
“Where’s Hughes again?”
“I dunno, I think they have a good bakery there though.”
“Yeah cool, I think a guy I used to work with told me that. Can you seriously come and get me?”
“…”
“Seriously?”
“Sorry mate.”

“Hello police? A gang of ninjas have broken into my house!”
“What is your address?”
“It’s in Isaacs –”
“Isaacs? Yeah… nah. I think if you remain perfectly still, the ninjas will leave you alone. Their vision is based on movement. They’re more scared of you than you are of them.”
“Can’t you just come, please?”
“Isaacs? Yeah… nah.”

If you do venture outside of your designated driving zone, please be sure to have all relevant documentation with you, including passport and reason for visiting. You should also ensure that you have the relevant currency for the area you are entering – a phrase book will also help you out. Notify your loved ones of your location, estimated time of arrival and planned itinerary before you leave. Get all of your affairs in order, and for fuck’s sake, AVOID THE BRIDGE.

If you see this bridge, you've gone too far

Canberra fact. Of the day.

Canberrans have the right to not attend concerts, exhibitions and events due it being “too cold to go out” and then complain that nothing ever happens in Canberra.

NRL Round 24: Kissing Tongue Goodbye

The questions that need answering for this round:
1. Can Nathan Merrit score three tries to equal Brett Mullins’ record of 11 tries in three games way back in 1994?
2. Are St. George really as bad as they seem right now?
3. Should the Roosters have dropped Todd Carney a long time before now?
4. Are the Knights really still in finals contention?

And the answers are:
1. No. No one will ever equal the try scoring spree set by Mullins, nor will they beat up as many people outside the Queanbeyan RSL, or have a mullet halfway as permed as his was.
2. Yep. They should never have brought Gasnier back, and should probably put Soward on ice for a week, Demolition Man style. It worked for Wesley Snipes (almost).
3. That pin-eyed fuck knuckle shouldn’t be allowed anywhere near a footy field, including trying to paint the lines onto the field. You have to be sober to paint. Trust me.
4. Yeah, apparently so. I know, I thought they would struggle without the Chief, but apparently the team has recovered since 1999. Pity the Footy Show hasn’t. WOO.

Round 24:
Penrith Panthers vs New Zealand Warriors
South Sydney Rabbitohs vs North Queensland Cowboys
Sydney Roosters vs Cronulla Sharks
Manly Sea Eagles vs Bulldogs
Melbourne Storm vs St George-Illawarra Dragons
Wests Tigers vs Parramatta Eels
Newcastle Knights vs Brisbane Broncos

Game of the Round:
Gold Coast Titans vs Canberra Raiders

Canberra captain Alan “I wear my heart on my sleeve and my tongue in my mouth and also in my name” Tongue announced his retirement this week, throwing huge disruptions into the Raiders’ finals plans. After the team stopped laughing about making the finals, they went back to planning their end-of-season holiday to Vanuatu. Then they had a few drinks and watched some DVDs (Daniel “Rufio!” Vidot had brought in a pirated copy of the new Harry Potter flick) and hit the showers, confident that they’d done enough to beat the Titans this weekend, thereby avoiding the wooden spoon and giving Tonguey a good note to go out on.

I mean, it’s the Titans. They’re easily the worst team in the comp, and the only thing they have to play for is trying to avoid the spoon, and sending Preston Campbell out with a win after his retirement… announcement… last… week. Oh. Fucking hell.

Even the fake crowd weren't that happy with Orford's arrival

MEB cumulative score: 101

Canberra Fax of the Day

The floor at Mooseheads is deliberately sticky in order to keep people from leaving once they have entered.

Danberra Cact of the Fay

Dickson Woolworths refuses to stock their shelves with food items, or hire anyone except for the 16 year old kid who sniffs a lot.

Canberra el facto de dayo

Canberra roads have an entire lane dedicated for buses, despite the fact that there's only ever one bus allowed on the road at any given time.

Canberra Facto of the Dayo

If you are 10 years old and own a tin whistle and a hat, you are obliged to stand in front of any shopping centre and play Christmas carols from September until January.

NRL Round 23: Eight tries from victory

Any week in which Todd “Squinty McSquintenstein” Carney gets caught being a fuckwit and threatened with being kicked out of his club is a good one for me. Happily, that happens around fifty-one weeks a year. The remaining week is a bit of a drag, but it’s right around Christmas, so I can usually find other things to keep me occupied during that time.

For those not in the know, Carney, Nate “Poopy Pants” Myles and Frank “Can I buy a consonant?” Nuuausala disobeyed club rules and got on the piss following a visit to the tattoo parlour. Seriously. The last things in the world that Carney needs are more shit tattoos, and more beers. The trio of upstanding citizens were dobbed in by a cab driver, who has copped a bit of flak for his actions. Personally, I think he did Sydney a favour, as he no doubt stopped someone being pissed on and beaten up; two of Carney and Myles’ favourite past-times.

It’s cute that he’s pretending to know how to read the paper

Other than another step in the inevitable demise of Todd Carnbag, this round is special in that it’s Darren Lockyer’s record-breaking 350th first grade appearance. Honestly, I don’t think it’s that special; it’s only 350 more games than me, and I don’t even play league. I might take it up next year though, and attempt to beat Locky’s tally IN ONE SEASON. Beat that, you gravely-voiced bastard.

Round 23

Nth Queensland Cowboys vs Brisbane Broncos
Penrith Panthers vs Wests Tigers
New Zealand Warriors vs Newcastle Knights
Gold Coast Titans vs Melbourne Storm
Parramatta Eels vs Manly Sea Eagles
St George-Illawarra Dragons vs Sydney Roosters
Sharks vs Bulldogs

Upset of the Round
Pop a dollar on the Eels to rock Manly’s boat, and watch out for a Roosters revival. It’ll be interesting to see how they play when their five-eighth is sober.

Game of the Round
Canberra Raiders vs South Sydney Rabbitohs
The Raiders welcomed Canberra Appreciation Month with a bang last weekend, going down to the Knights in the final 72 minutes of the game. The boys put on a great show, but just came up about eight tries short of victory.

This week, the fearsome men from the ACT will be locking horns and ears with the South Sydney Rabbitohs (sounds like a breakfast cereal. “I always start my day with a bowl of Rabbitohs!”). The Bunnies should be fairly confident going into the match; if demolishing the Panthers last week wasn’t enough to give them a boost, the fact that they’re playing the Raiders this week should do the trick.

It has been a tremendous 2011 season for the Raiders, who were recently unfairly knocked out of finals contention due to other teams continually beating them. Unfortunately for Canberra, peaking in Round 1 was possibly too early in the season, and it was always going to be an uphill battle following unlucky injuries to key players and the constant presence of Matt Orford. Orford will not partake any further in the 2011 as he prepares to undergo groin surgery after falling off one of those Dance Dance Revolution games at Timezone. Daniel Vidot will also miss this weekend’s game to recover from a grade three-level bad haircut and a nasty case of whiplash caused by watching people run past him during last week’s loss to the Knights.

Souths were lucky to escape a great fightback from the Eels last week, who just failed to make up the Bunnies’56-point head start, finishing 50 points short. They’ll have to be more alert this week, with the pillow-handed defensive line of the Raiders looking to upset the Rabbits’ finals dream. Reports from the Raiders sheds indicate that they’re going to tire Inglis and Merrit out – seventeen length of the field tries tends to take it out of you.

This guy looks pretty happy to have been Photoshopped into the Raiders for Canberra Appreciation Month

MEB cumulative score: 95