NRL 2013 - Round 15: The Gem in the NRL Showcase

They say that the State of Origin period is where the NRL really comes into its own as a showcase for the sport and the players.  And they couldn’t be any more right if they tried.  Following on from Jimmy Tamou getting drunk and jumping behind the wheel of his car… after he had been previously suspended from driving… possibly for getting drunk and jumping behind the wheel of a car, Josh “Serial Fuckwit” Dugan and Blake “…” Ferguson got on the sauce at a pub in Cronulla the night before going into NSW Origin camp, were booted out because they’re dickheads, snuck back in, touched up a woman and were consequently asked to leave (again) and arrested for some kind of sexual misdemeanor.  This comes just before George Burgess hulked out while promoting rugby league in Cairns, where he ripped a Stop sign from the road and speared himself a Subaru (may not entirely have happened like that, but it’s close enough).  Mal Meninga then tsk-tsk-tsked his way to Brisbane about the uncouthness of youthness, before hitting the town to celebrate Cameron Smith’s beard’s 30^th birthday and Billy Slater edging his way closer to puberty, sneaking behind the bar and attempting to pour himself a XXXX.  Due to Mal not being a recognised bartender at that particular establishment, his actions were deemed somewhat inappropriate and he was also asked to leave. 

It’s weeks like this that Nate Myles is regarded as “not a bad bloke… for a footy player.”

Round 15

Uugh.  This week is shit.  There’s only a handful of games to pick, but they’re all a bit iffy due to suspensions, arrests and drug charges.  Oh, and also Origin duties.

I’m not confident with any of these things, but I am somehow tipping the Doggies to beat the Roosters – Sonny Bill Williams is a massive pussy and is currently trying to break his own leg so he doesn’t have to play his first game against the club that he walked out on a few years back.  And because Moloney is out, I’m going to tip the Dogs.  That’s about all, really.

The Rabbits would normally just have to think about turning up to beat the Eels, but half of their side is also out due to representation, suspension and a delay in the Burgess breeding program, so this game might not be as clear cut as it should be.  It will be interesting to see how wee Chris Sandow goes against his old club too, although based on his form since leaving the Bunnies, it probably won’t be very good.

I’m tipping the Storm to beat the Titans.  Because, you know, Melbourne.  And, you know, Titans.

Bulldogs vs Roosters

Eels vs Rabbitohs

Titans vs Storm

Game of the Round

Tigers vs Raiders

It has been a tumultuous time at the Canberra HQ this week, as Ferguson was sent home from Origin in disgust, once again vowing to stay off the piss.  It was the first time that anyone at the Raiders had seen the guy sober.  “I think he has more personality after a few” was the resounding noise coming from the hallowed Bruce Stadium training session. 

The Raiders have a fucking horrible record at Cambelltown Stadium – it’s probably the lack of clean air and the abundance of discarded syringes in the turf that really gets to them.  Still, it’s the 2013 Tigers, so the Green Machine SHOULD sneak home by about 20.  It’ll be one of those games that is summarised by the post-match line of “the scoreline flattered us.”  Neither team will play well, and it should be called off around 60 minutes in.

Queensland vs New South Wales

I’m still tipping a Queensland win.  They were pretty uninspired in the last game, but I think a few players have come to the understanding that if they don’t perform in this game, they will probably lose some sponsorship money.  Oh, and also the series.

That’s about all, really.  I still don’t rate Cooper Cronk.  Glad Meritt finally got a game.  Sad that Gallen is such a prick.  I don’t know what the fascination is with Greg Bird.  You know, just the usual.

Why I could play rugby league reason #502:  I enjoy sitting down and crying

Round 14: The Round Where I Tip All Home Teams

FUCK I RAN OUT OF TIME TO DO THIS STUPID BLOG BECAUSE MY STUPID BOSS WAS WATCHING YOUTUBE CLIPS OF THE SYDNEY HARBOUR BRIDGE BEING BUILT ALL DAY AND I WAS REALLY BUSY DOING WORK AND NOT WRITING THIS WHICH IS PROBABLY THE POINT OF MY JOB BUT I DON’T CARE.

NSW Blues and part-time Cowboy Jimmy “James” Tamou was busted for sinking piss and then jumping in his car (I will assume it’s a white 1984 Corolla, with one pale blue panel on the back where he reversed into a pole in a car park) and getting caught by the po-po.  Consulting the “Rugby League Player’s Guide of What to Do When You Get Pulled Over by the Po-Po”, Tamou used the “But I’m a footy player but, hey?” defense, but was overruled (the cop was probably a Victorian or a Queenslander or not corrupt or something).  The NRL also decided not to look at the “Rugby League Player’s Guide of What to Do When You Get Pulled Over by the Po-Po” chapter entitled “But I’m a footy player but, hey?” and fined him $20,000 and suspended him from State of Origin. 

It’s probably about a decade too late, but I’m pretty happy that the league is coming down on fuckwits, even if they’re just accidental or unlucky fuckwits. 

Round 14:

This is the round where I choose all teams playing at home.  It’s actually purely a coincidence, it’s not that I decide that Round 14 is going to be that round.  It just so happens that the home teams are the better ones. 

Maybe except Manly.  And I’ve got a sneaking suspicion that the Tigers will upset the Broncos.  If they do, they’ll also upset me. 

Dragons vs Cowboys

Sea Eagles vs Bulldogs

Sharks vs Eels

Rabbitohs vs Titans

Storm vs Knights

Roosters vs Warriors

Broncos vs Tigers

Game of the Round:

Raiders vs Panthers

The Raiders are looking to extend their winning run at Canberra “Call me Bruce” Stadium to a million (ten) in a row, but will do so without the services of Edrick Lee, who broke his arm last week while playing against the Broncos… yet remained on the field and completed the game.  Anyone who “heard” Lee’s post-match “interview” now understands that he was probably telling the trainers on the field that his “forearm appears to be jutting out at an unusual angle, perhaps it is broken?” but they just did what everyone does when they have no idea what someone said and so they laugh a bit, sigh and then say, “Well, better head off now…” 

Lee’s absence opens the door for Sandor Earl to make a reappearance… and possibly another disappearance as ASADA’s drug cheating shenanigans and stuff investigation continues.  Despite ASADA claiming that “certain players” were being looked into at the Cronulla club, none were actually named.  For Sandor to be picked out is a bit unfair, even if he is a bit of a dick. 

So the Canberras play the Penriths this week.  The chat from Raiders coach Dave Furner before the game will go something like, “Lads, don’t underestimate these boys.  They’ve got good strikepower through… um… And their forwards are strong, in particular… um… their reserve bench is pretty good, maybe?  And remember when Brad Fittler played for them in 1991?”  The only player that anyone actually knows about in Penrith is Trevor Robinson, who is Canberra’s Reese Robinson’s identical twin.  I hope they switch jerseys at half time and play the world’s best practical joke on Furner and… um… whoever the fuck is coaching at Penrith these days.

Raiders merchandise manager:  What should we sell to the fans this year?
Work experience kid:  Jumpers, scarves, big jackets.  It's cold in Canberra.  And Viking helmets.  It ties in with the whole "Raiders" thing.
Raiders merchandise manager:  Rubbish.  Let's make them look like Fraggles.

Round 13: Obligatory Origin Wrap-up

First points of State of Origin 2013 go to the mighty New South Wales Blues.  And holy shit, didn’t they make it look easy?  Of course, it helps when Queensland don’t wake  up until there’s ten minutes to go, but still – a victory is a victory, and for this NSW side, those don’t come too easily.  I had predicted that this would be the last QLD series victory for about five or six years… I may have been a year off with that Nostradamus-inspired thought, if the first game was anything to go by.

My first impression at the kick-off was “well, New South Wales won’t be able to keep up this pace for too long.”  Then, “wow, Queensland are doing a good job at pretending to be playing their first game of football.”  Then, “yes, I want more beer.”  Then, “Are Queensland trying to do their ‘Rope a Dope’ routine by just absorbing 70 minutes of punishment before hitting them hard in the last ten?”  Then, “No, apparently not.”

In the end, NSW were deserved winners.  The highlight of the game was Paul Gallen punching on with Nate Myles' head, for which he received a whopping one game suspension, in a game he probably wasn’t going to play in anyway.  Gallen claimed that he needed to “dominate” Myles, who had always ended up on top of his rival forwards.  I would have thought that Gallen should have played better and tackled harder if he wanted to dominate him, rather than punch on with him when he wasn’t expecting it.  But that’s just me; what would I know?  I’m still waiting for my first-grade call-up.  I haven’t even been cited 17 times like Gallen.  

Johnathan Thurston had struggled all week with some kind of man-flu (herpes) as well as having his mind completely elsewhere as he awaited the birth of his wife’s (and Billy Slater’s) child.  And it showed – if he puts in another shithouse performance like that in Game 2, he can probably kiss his Origin career goodbye.  It’s not even as if he’s playing well for the Cowboys.  Not that anyone actually watched Cowboys games anymore anyway.  But seriously, Thurston’s uselessness was matched only by his opposite in Mitchell Pearce, who for all intents and purposes, played for about ten minutes before ducking off to the pub for a sneaky pint and watched the rest of the game from there.  I thought that Fafita was well overrated, and proves that just because you’re a giant bloke, it doesn’t make you a good footy player.  I think a lot of the game comes from having the right temperament, and that’s something that is lacking in a lot of the ‘new breed’ of footy player.  They should have some kind of temperament test when you sign up to play.  Or even if you can spell it, or know roundabouts what it means, that would be good too.

I expect Queensland to come out firing in Game 2, and they might even look to pass the ball to Greg Inglis occasionally.  It was a strange game plan to completely ignore the best ball runner in the world and instead look to Cooper Cronk to guide the way. 

Greg Bird is still a grub though.  Can we all just appreciate that?

Round 13:

Highlights from the regular week included:

A Kiwi bloke pissing on the field prior to kick-off, being fined $15,000 and telling people to “get over it LOL.”  Having not rolled around in other people’s piss for a while (reason #4589 why I don’t play professional football), I can’t help but disagree with his eloquent statement. 

Jamie Soward has been dropped from the Saints line-up.  No one cares, including Jamie Soward, and the Saints.  And the Saints supporters.  They’re a bit shit this year. 

Raiders winger Sexy Sandor Earl has linked with a French rugby union team.  Not too many people care about that either. 

Seems like there’s a whole lot of indifference this week.

The Eels are shit, the Roosters are good.  That one was easy.

Same for the Knights and the Dragons.  But less good and probably less shit. 

The Cowbs are rubbish, but will probably win simply because “they’re due”.  I’m not tipping them though.

Despite the looming reappearance of T “Tony Williams” Rex for Manly, I think they’ll still be too strong for the Warriors.

The Panfers should piss it in over the Tigers, who will be confused by still being the televised game of the round, but during the day.  And they’ll still suck.

Storm should beat the Sharks.  Just because everyone should beat the Sharks. 

Eels vs Roosters

Knights vs Dragons

Cowboys vs Bulldogs

Warriors vs Sea Eagles

Panthers vs Tigers

Storm vs Sharks

Game of the Round

Raiders vs Broncos

The Broncs were horribly thrashed by the Warriors last weekend, so they’ll be hoping to bounce back… but they won’t.  Because they’re rubbish.  They can’t even really complain that they are “Originned out” anymore, because they only have a few cheerleaders who get picked to play in the annual stoush these days.  Fuck it, if they want to keep playing Peter Wallace, that’s their prerogative. 

The Raiders just keep going from strength to strength, coming off a massive win against the Bye, and shedding Sandor Earl from their playing roster, making way for someone with a few less tats and shit hair to come in.

The Raiders unveil their new logo to entice Asian hipster Vikings to join the club

Round 12: State of... where's my iPod?

Hey, does anyone else out there feel like State of Origin actually isn’t that exciting anymore?  I don’t know whether it’s the fact that NSW haven’t won a series for seven years (think about that for a second, and realise that it was 2006 when they last won.  I didn’t even own an iPod in 2006.  And now, in 2013, I don’t even know where it is. Spooky), or if there’s a general gloss taken off the NRL – weekly sexual/physical assault allegations (did I read correctly that Queensland police are postponing the investigation of Ben Te’o’s assault charge until after State of Origin, to minimize interference with the team’s preparation?  WHAT THE FUCK, QUEENSLAND?), drug scandals and the occasional interview & tv promotion with the players all tends to adversely affect the way you view your sports stars.  Also, the fact that Mitchell Pearce keeps getting selected.  And Kurt Gidley.  Seriously, what the fuck does Gids have over the NSW selectors to warrant a place in the team?  It doesn’t really matter now anyway; he broke his leg (or something) and is out of the game.  It still baffles me that his name was even mentioned in the first place.  It’s like when Harry Potter’s name gets selected in the Goblet of Fire, even though he didn’t sign up for it and stuff.  REVELATION: Gidley is a wizard.  A shit one though, like from Hufflepuff or something. 

As a result of the “game that slows down about a quarter of a small nation”, the regular NRL rounds get disrupted, and there are only four games to pick this week.  That makes my “job” easier, so let’s get this party started:

Round 12

Despite the Bunnies having most of their team missing due to Origin and being suspended and arrested and that, I’m going to tip them because the Knights are shit and I’m pretty sure everything good they do is completely unintentional and a massive fluke. 

I’m tipping the Dogs because… and their track record… and the Dragons… I don’t know why.

The Titans/Cowboys clash could go either way – they are both terrible, terrible teams.  The Cowboys might have the edge because they have got rid of Johnathan “Dead Weight” Thurston, who seems to enjoy mentioning that the Panthers offered him a lot of money and he probably should have gone there.  Unfortunately, Matty Bowen is out with a case of the “fucked knee” which might ruin the Cowboys’ night.  Fuck it, I’ll just go for the Titans.  I don’t care anymore.

The Broncos traditionally struggle during Origin time, as their “superstars” are taken out of their team and put into a camp somewhere near Innisfail, where Billy Slater can drawl at them about “thet’s the park bench where me mum used to werk” and “this tent’s a bit nice, hey?  S’even got a door!”  Unfortunately, even the good Broncos players haven’t been doing a great job at not being shit this year, and I think they’re going to be put through their paces by a Warriors team looking for two wins in a row. 

I am confident that Canberra can defeat the Bye, who do not have a good record against the Green Machine.

Bulldogs vs Dragons

Rabbitohs vs Knights

Titans vs Cowboys

Broncos vs Warriors

Game of the Round

New South Wales vs Queensland

Fuck it, I’m going to pick Queensland.  Until NSW stop picking Greg Bird and Anthony Watmough, I don’t think their team is going to gel.  I’m also not a massive fan of selecting Blake Ferguson on the wing, when Nathan Merritt is a better option.  You want a centre?  Fine, Fergo can play there (he does it every week), and is in much better form than Mick Jennings.  When Greg Inglis gets the ball, looks up and sees Jennings as the only obstacle between him and a four-pointer, he must get a bit of a try-scoring-boner (can’t imagine that would be incredibly comfortable). 

I am prepared to be shown up, but I think Queensland has a stronger forward pack and much better backs than the Blues, and should knock up a 10-point victory. 

Steve Matai on his way to the judiciary for another 3 week holiday

NRL 2013 Round 11: Friday Night Failures

The NRL wrapped up their “Women in League” round last week, which acknowledges all of the girls who play rugby league (Cooper Cronk).  Highlights of the week-long celebration including allegations of physical assault, and the return of Robert Lui.  Nice timing, Cowboys.  The NRL is planning on changing the 2014 Women in League colour from pink to lovely shades of black and blue.

Ben Te’o has been allegedly pointed at by an alleged woman that allegedly had her eye socket allegedly broken allegedly by him.  He said, “Yeah nah, wasn’t me, but” and she said, “Yeah nah, maybe not, hey?” and the police said, “Yeah, so no?”  And he said, “Nah nah yeah,” and there have been no further allegations.  Te’o told the Rabbitohs official people that he had been involved in an “incident” whereby someone got hurt, he was in the vicinity and he called the po-po.  Here’s a tip to all footy clubs: if someone mentions something like this to you, tell the fucking NRL (preferably within five weeks), or it makes you look dodgy and everyone thinks you’re a bit of a dick.  

In other news, Krisnan Inu celebrated coming back from his suspension by being suspended again, leading to the fear that he might lose his “good guy” image at the Bulldogs.  Inu was originally banned for dumping Greg Inglis on his head (twice), and this time for trying to force Newcastle winger James McManus’ leg into his own bum.  I guess it’s easier to be a good bloke at Canterbury than it is at most places.  Captain Mick “Grubby Balls” Ennis says (of Inu), "He's a guy I really enjoy having in the team.  He's great having around the club.''  Maybe it is good to have a certain amount of paranoia around in a footy team, or to have the safety buffer of being able to drown puppies as a recreational activity and not be the biggest cock in the team. 

Newcastle were worried that the tackle could have ended McManus’ career.  Most people were surprised that he even had one to start with. 

Benji “This Time For Reals” Marshall has vowed to silence critics who have panned him for being shit this year.  As we are hitting Round 11, this might just be a little bit of “who gives a fuck?” news, and begs the question, “Why start trying now, dickhead?”  If you promise to play well for this game, you probably should have tried to play well for the last ten weeks too.

But I do love the Tigers – they are the team to follow right now, especially since it gives everyone an opportunity to invent a drinking game about prop Adam Blair, who, after being bought from Melbourne a few years ago has done exactly “fuck all and nothing” to earn himself a lovely little half-million dollar paycheck.  Last week, Blair’s stats were:  Six missed tackles, zero tackle busts, zero linebreaks and four runs for 34 metres in 72 minutes.  Four fucking runs?  If Blair plays 25 games this year, he is worth $20,000 per game.  That works out to be the equivalent of earning a lovely $5,000 per hit up, $588 per metre gained, or $277 for each minute he’s spending on the field, scratching his balls and not bothering to tackle.

I can’t believe people say that professional footballers are overpaid.

And since it’s Friday, it means that we get another great opportunity to see Benji and Blairsy do their thing as they run around chasing their own dicks and bumping into each other.  The Tigers need to get off motherfucking free-to-air tv on Friday nights, and they need a motherfucking montage to get their season back on track.

Round 11

Fuck the Tigers.  They’d better not win.  Which they won't.

Fuck both the Doggies and the Broncos, I can’t tell if they’re meant to be good or not.  Fuck me, I’m tipping the Dogs.

Fuck Penrith, but fuck Josh Dugan of St George as well, who scored twice in his comeback game (should have scored more too) against Parramatta and declared himself a contender for Origin.  Can someone remind him that he beat Parramatta, not the 1994 Kangaroos squad?

Fuck the Roosters, and fuck the Storm more if they keep not winning.  Fucking fucks.

Fuck the Warriors; imagine losing to the Panthers by 60 fucking points.  Jesus.

Fuck the Eels, even though I reckon they might upset the Titans.  Although, is it really an upset if no one gives a fuck?

Fuck the Sharks.  There’s a bit of cash being thrown at them to upset the Bunnies too, but I don’t think that’ll fucking happen. 

Wests Tigers vs Nth Queensland Cowboys

Canterbury Bulldogs vs Brisbane Broncos

St George Illawarra Dragons vs Penrith Panthers

Sydney Roosters vs Melbourne Storm

New Zealand Warriors vs Newcastle Knights

Parramatta Eels vs Gold Coast Titans

Cronulla Sharks vs South Sydney Rabbitohs

Game of the Round:

Manly Sea Eagles vs Canberra Raiders

Which Canberra team will turn up this weekend?  The world-beating, giant-killing, swash-buckling, rape-pillage-plundering Vikings that we all know and love, or the whiny little bitches who have already accepted defeat at the hands of a lowlier opposition, and willingly bend over barrels to be royally fucked, then shine their shoes and give them $50 just because they think they deserve it. 

Hmm.

Canberra should have won last week against the Sharks, but gave away too much easy possession and far too many opportunities, which Cronulla were (just) able to capitalise on.  Manly, by all reports, were gritty in their 10-all draw against the Storm, and were able to hold out metric fuck-tons of pressure from Melbourne to deny them victory on Monday night.  Will the physical toll be too much for the Sea Eagles to back up again on Saturday night?  You’d fucking think not, it was a while ago and they’re professional athletes, for fuck’s sake.  Have a Radox bath, drink a Powerade and get back into it, you lazy shits. 

I’m tipping a Manly win (sorry everyone), tipping Steve Matai to give away two penalties and be cited for a shit tackle, and Blake Ferguson to inexplicably drop the ball in his own 20-metre zone.  Specifics are my life.

Reasons I could play footy #52:  I enjoy lying down

NRL 2013 Round 10: Did you see the size of that chicken?

If it didn’t mean that my glorious reign in the mid-3,000s in a 67,000-strong tipping competition was over (now I’m in the 12,000s), I would still be laughing at the outcomes of last week’s games.  The Upset-A-Tron NRL 2000^TM was in fine form last week, as the Parramattas beat the Brisbanes and the Storm took advantage of the situation to play another round of “we’re definitely not going to underestimate the team that we’re playing this week after underestimating the team we played last week and were beaten because we played like shit.”  There were other games that didn’t go my way either, but I didn’t really care about them.  When Brisbane loses, everything else just kind of fades into the background and you’re left with a happy little cloud of angry Queenslanders.  Good times, man.  Justin “Marshmallow” Hodges also succumbed to an injury and won’t play this week.  Hodges’ horror run of injury coincides with Brisbane’s shit form, upcoming Origin appearances and a hopeful appearance in the next Celebrity Splash comp.  Hodgey is injured so often that he has received a few words of advice from Australian cricketers.

This week, Josh Dugan officially became a St George Illawarra Steel Dragon.  He is basically the only person excited by this news, as it means that he can now stop pretending to apply for jobs and can get off the dole.  It’s basically a win-win situation for the Saints – if “the Dugan experiment” works, hooray, and if not, they were fucked without him anyway. 

The Panthers are in a whole world of trouble right now, after realising that absolutely no one in the world likes them.  They offered Todd Carney money to take up a contract, and he said, “Yeah nah” so they took that money to Johnathan Thurston and he said, “Yeah nah.”  Seriously, two of the biggest moneywhores in the world don’t want to be associated with the club – there’s gotta be something going on.  I blame Phil Gould’s “hair.”

Round Ten:

Broncs v Titans?  Fucking hell, what a waste of a game.  For one; they are both playing like rubbish, and two – they’re both full of fucking Queenslanders.  There will be so much spitting going on on the field that the first three rows of spectators will drown.  Then again, those spectators are more than likely to be from Queensland too.  Play on!  I’m tipping the Titans for no other reason than I don’t really like Allan Langer.

The Bunnies should destroy the Tigers, who have taken a bold strategy of benching their “best” player.  Whether or not Benji Marshall starts on the field or takes to the field fifteen minutes later is absolutely inconsequential, and let’s be honest, a waste of an interchange. 

Broncos vs  Titans

Rabbitohs vs Tigers

Dragons vs Eels

Panthers vs Warriors

Cowboys vs Roosters

Knights vs Bulldogs

Storm vs Sea Eagles

Game of the Round:

Sharks vs Raiders

Last week, the Raiders put Newcastle away like you would with some red-headed stepchildren.  After 20 minutes, things looked a bit dire for the Greenery Machinery though, as the Knights put on three tries.  Then the Raiders turned up, thanked the cheerleaders for filling in while they were at the pub, and went about destroying the “boys” from Newcastle like they fucking well should have.  Any team that still puts Kurt Gidley in their line-up deserves to be whacked.  “We’ve got Danny Buderus coming back from injury soon too” crowed their coach.  “Unfortunately, our time machine back to 2003 is still a few weeks off.”

Last year, the Raiders put away a fairly tidy Cronulla side, most notable for the arrival of big Josh Papalii, who skull fucked Paul Gallen from here to somewhere else.  Gall was his usual humble self, claiming that Papalii king-hit him in a few tackles, held him out of the play, snuck horse tranquilizers into his mouth in the scrum, and inferred that he has been having sexual relations with his mother for quite some time.  Since returning from injury (last week), Papalii has played out of his skin.  Another clash between two big hitters (and by that I mean Josh Papalii’s left and right arms) is on the cards, and my money goes quite deservedly to the Canberra lads. 

Also, because Todd Carney is a fucking fuck.

Possibly the most useless photograph ever taken

NRL 2013: Round 9 - That part of the season where nobody cares

Ah Round 9.  It's a few weeks out from the naming of the State of Origin teams, which pretty much means that nobody gives a flying rats' about the general week-to-week of whom is playing who.  A typical water cooler conversation (fuck I want a water cooler in my office; I would totally never leave it.  Water coolers are the best - it's not the water that I love, it's the tiny little cups) after this weekend will go like this:
"Did you see the footy on Friday?"
"Yeah, nah. Who won?"
"The C--"
"I reckon Carney for Origin."
"He broke his le--"
"He is playing real well.  Yeah.  Carney.  No question."

And then when Carney isn't named in the team (please please please please please), that bloke will be the first to be screaming blue murder (sounds an odd thing to scream, but I heard it was big in the 1800s) that Carney was robbed of his rightful Origin jersey and blah blah blah racism blah blah give a bloke a chance blah blah fallen fucking angel blah blah strippers and coke.  Ignore the fact that Carney has a broken leg (and zero skill) though. 

For the record, no one should play for NSW this year.  They should just cancel it for a bit and let us prepare a bit more.  In all seriousness though, I think this year is a good chance for the Blues to sneak in a victory - QLD definitely aren't as good as they used to be - Slater is a fucking muppet, Thurston is rubbish, Cam Smith is getting by purely on reputation, their forwards are all potatoes and they keep picking Justin Hodges.  The only decent player they've got is Inglis, and half the time he doesn't really look like he wants to be there either.  Probably because Thurston's on the team. 

In news that does have something to do with football, Josh "Duges" Dugan has signed with St George.  Hooray.  I was getting worried about Duges.  I actually sent him a tweet today, but I haven't received anything back yet.

Today actually is Josh Dugan's birthday

Round 9

This round I'm tipping (hoping) for the Tigers to continue their run of shitness.  If Benji Marshall has been named in the team, there's an excellent chance of that happening.  The Titans will piss on the Dragons' "Let's Welcome Josh Dugan to the Club" party, and the Storm should put about 40 on the Penriff Panfers, who somehow found a few million to throw at Todd Carney.  Todd Carney somehow said, "Yeah nah" and didn't sign with them.  It might have something to do with his broken leg.  Manly and the Roosters can just fucking murder each other, I don't give a shit.  As long as there are no survivors.

Rabbitohs vs Cowboys

Tigers vs Sharks

Warriors vs Bulldogs

Eels vs Broncos

Titans vs Dragons

Panthers vs Storm

Sea Eagles vs Roosters

Game of the Round

Raiders vs Knights

Yep, those sneaky Raiders did it again last week - being good when no one was really expecting it in upsetting Melbourne for the third time in as many games.  That officially makes the Storm the Raiders' gimme game, along with St George.  And Parra, but Parra games are gimme games for everyone.  Except Parra.

The Raiders have a fucking shithouse record against the Knights, but Newcastle are threatening to play Kurt Gidley, which really brings Canberra back into the comp.  After a gutsy win last week (I have no idea what Newcastle did though, sorry), I can't help but back the Raiders all the way to the bank. 

Canberra by a bit. 

PS.  Sorry about the thing last week about the Raiders having a blue shirt.  They didn't.  But I definitely saw it somewhere.

NRL 2013 Round 8: Rugbyleaguegate

Welcome once again to Friday, which means that Channel 9 are contractually obliged to show you games involving the Tigers and the Bulldogs.  Tonight’s game is the Bulldogs hosting the Tigers.  If either team was playing well, that would be a coup.  As it is, it will just become something to have on in the background after the Brisbane and Souths game while you wash the dishes, or drink beer, or drink the dishwater, or wash the beer or do whatever the hell it is that you do on a Friday night after 9:30ish. 

Last week’s round saw the usual dickheads suspended (Steve Matai again – sometimes I think that ol Steve lives a double life as a superhero, and needs to take a few weeks off every so often to do some interstellar travel to fight aliens from destroying the universe, but then I realise that if he was a superhero, he’d probably be way better at football, and would definitely pick a secret identity who wasn’t a complete cocksmoker) and injured (Justin Hodges, whose experiment to replace hamstrings and muscle tissue with a My Kitchen Rules inspired chocolate and fairy floss ganache has gone awry), with a bit of a flipper being thrown in the mix with Andrew “I’m Nimortal!” Johns being questioned over his involvement in some spaff between two dipshits with too much money and a horse that escaped from the dog food factory.  For any kids reading this, that means that the horse worked at the dog food factory as a Chief Financial Officer and looked after some very important accounts.  For the adults reading this, it means that dog food is made out of shitty horse meat.  To be honest, I’m pretty sure no one in Australia gives a fuck what the Waterhouses and the Singletons of this world are doing with their race horses, and would just prefer them all to fuck right off.  At least with all this wankery, the Australian media hasn’t had their usual knee-jerk reaction and donked a “gate” on the end of the story to sensationalise it again.  “Waterhousegate” sounds a bit shit. 

On the subject of the “gate” phenomenon, shouldn’t the Watergate scandal have been called “Watergategate”?

Round Eight:

I reckon this weekend’s games will go pretty much to plan – Souths to use their better size, speed and skills to get over Brisbane, Parramatta will continue sucking, Cronulla will consider getting back on the roids after another loss, and the Roosters will keep beating up small children under the guise of being a successful team.  That was a metaphor.  Although it wouldn’t surprise me if at least a few of the Chooks hadn’t dropped an elbow on a couple of ten year olds.  That wasn’t a metaphor.

Brisbane Broncos vs South Sydney Burgesses

Canterbury Bulldogs vs Wests Tigers

Parramatta Eels vs Nth Queensland Cowboys

New Zealand Warriors vs Gold Coast Titans

Newcastle Knights vs Cronulla Sharks

Sydney Roosters vs Penrith Panthers

St George Illawarra Dragons vs Manly Sea Eagles

Game of the Round:

Melbourne Storm vs Canberra Raiders

Well the Raiders certainly were shit last week.  The Storm, on the other hand, were pretty fucking good.  The Raiders have lost Jarrod Croker to injury.  The Storm, on the other hand, don’t have any players missing.  The Raiders are trialling a new blue top.  The Storm, on the other hand, will keep their usual purple and yellow and shit thing going.  The Raiders are languishing near the bottom end of the ladder.  The Storm, on the other hand, are at the top.

Weighing this up, one hand is way heavier than the other (and has purple).  Can’t beat a purple hand.  I think that was a metaphor.  Storm by a thOUsand.

First kisses can be awkward.  Especially when someone else is hugging their bum.

NRL 2013 Round 7: Sweeping up the Anzac crumbs

The ANZAC Test and City vs Country match last weekend gave a well-earned couple of days off for punters and shitty blog writers (or both!), with Australia skipping away with a win on Friday night against the Kiwis, and… nope, fucked if I know who won on Sunday.  

The New Zealanders looked into it up to their earholes in the first half, and had a couple of things gone their way could have taken a lead after the first 40 minutes.  However, a quick visit by Steve Denk in the sheds gave the Australians a bit of a boost, and they put on about a thousand points in the second to take home the trophy (if there was one).  

From watching the match on Friday night, it dawned on me that there’s probably a few dickheads wearing the green and gold who are there because they had a good year in 2007, or were touted as “future Kangaroo captains” when they were seventeen, and not because they deserve to represent their country.  

Jon Thurston needs to have a good, hard look (and laugh) at himself.  His form for the Cowboys has been poor lately, and his Australian form even worse.  If the Kiwis could have put a full-strength team together (any team with Shaun Kenny-Dowell in it is never going to be full-strength), Thursty might have been shown up worse than he was.

Justin Hodges is still eighteen shades of rubbish.  How the hell other teams haven’t worked out that he isn’t going to pass the ball unless he’s absolutely positive that he isn’t going to score is beyond me.  Just tackle the fucking fuck.

The phrase “Greg Bird, Australian representative” makes me laugh until I realise that it’s a true thing, and then I can’t stop crying.  I know Australia has a reputation of putting some “hard men” in the second row to be “enforcers” or some such bullsh!t, but can’t we find some enforcing hard blokes who aren’t complete fucking numpties to fill the slot?  

Darius Boyd isn’t entirely a dickhead, or even underperforming… but surely there are other wingers in the comp who are just plain better that Darius?  Nathan Merritt comes to mind.  Actually, anyone not called Darius comes to mind.

FUCKWIT WATCH 

Canberran day-time night-club goers were shocked to see former Raiders player Josh Dugan allegedly involved in an alleged assault following an alleged verbal stoush whilst allegedly drinking at the alleged wake of an alleged friend, as reports are unconfirmed that anyone would actually be Dugan’s friend.  The incident has left the alleged victim with a broken eye socket, but he is allegedly not pressing charges due to the alleged payout that Dugan gave him to shut the fuck up.  Allegedly, St George are reconsidering their offer to recruit the former Origin rep, but have allegedly said, “Fuck, we really don’t have a choice, do we?”  

Round 7 games 

There have been some sleepless nights lately – nothing to do with this week’s NRL games, just a bout of insomnia.  But that’s not to say that a few of this week’s games aren’t harder to pick than a new tattoo on Josh Dugan – none moreso than the top(ish) of the table clash between the Bunnies and the Manlies.  I’ve opted for the Bunnies – not only do I quite like them, I quite dislike the Sea Eagles.  As long as Geoff Toovey is involved, I will never be a fan.  And Daly Chery-Evans has a haircut that is at least twice as stupid as his name.  

Sydney Roosters vs St George Illawarra Dragons
Melbourne Storm vs New Zealand Warriors
Manly Sea Eagles vs South Sydney Rabbitohs 
Wests Tigers vs Brisbane Broncos 
Gold Coast Titans vs Newcastle Knights 
Cronulla Sharks vs Canterbury Bulldogs 
Penrith Panthers vs Parramatta Eels 

GAME OF THE ROUND 

Nth Queensland Cowboys vs Canberra Raiders 

I’m going to cross my lime-green fingers that the Cowboys continue to be terrible, and that the Raiders continue to opt to lead a match around about the 80th minute mark.  The Canberra lads don’t have the greatest track record up in sunny Townsville, but if there’s a point in time to turn things around, it might as well be this week, right?  Right.  

Right.

NRL 2013: Round 6 - When the Saints hit Struggletown

The biggest news in sport this week was the claim that the St George Dragons (or the St George Illawarra Steel Dragons, for those who are particular about things, and also living in approximately 1998) have put in a bid, or some interest, or a mild thought, or even had a dream about signing Josh Dugan and Todd Carney.  Together.  To play.  Football.

What the fuck.  Seriously?  I don't particularly like St George, but I don't think that any football team really needs to piss on their fans, sponsors and other players that much, do they?  For one, those two dickwits shouldn't be allowed in the same country as each other at the same time, let alone the same team.  I can forsee the house prices in Wollongong dropping fairly rapidly once these fuckheads arrive.  

There should be a limit on tattoos in the one club anyway.   

In other news around Australia, it has been alleged that even coaches in the AFL need a quick fix to make the game more enjoyable.  Fuck injecting horse growth hormones into yourselves, you idiots.  Just learn how to catch; that'll improve your sport.

Round 6

Round 6 of the NRL is another nut scratcher, with injuries making a few tips a bit hard, and general hatred of other clubs really weighing on my mind.  Let's see the Eels take it to an injury and Dave-Taylor-depleted Titans side, the Rooters to lift a notch against the Dawgs and the Bunnies to test out Billy "My Kicking Foot is Sore" Slater by running Greg "RAH I'M A STEAMROLLER" Inglis at him all night.  My money is on the Cowboys to shake off their shittiness, and the Dragons to hopefully belt the Tigers, because I think they deserve to win after being told that two of Canberra's finest exports are coming into town. 

Broncos vs Cowboys

Roosters vs Bulldogs

Knights vs Panthers

Rabbitohs vs Storm

Sea Eagles vs Sharks

Tigers vs Dragons

Titans vs Eels

Game of the Round

Raiders vs Warriors

My tipping last week was a woeful three out of eight, and I paid the price of not believing that the Raiders would drag their sorry, busted, broken, legless, dishevelled selves across the line with a few minutes to spare after coming back from 16-0 down against the Roosters.  The Warriors have impressed whoever watches their games this season, and threaten not to be as horrible as everyone thought they would be.  But last week proved that you can never write off the Canberra boys, unless they're playing someone really good.  And that's not the Warriors.  Raiders by a dozenish.

Why I could play footy:  I could look slightly less scared than Jarrod Croker whenever I got the ball

NRL 2013 Round 5: Instagram, wallets and nonsense

Did anything happen in league this week?  No?  Nothing?  Not one thing?  Well that’s a bit unusual.  It also makes writing about the week that was a bit difficult.  However, I’m always up for a challenge (if it’s a challenge that doesn’t involve a lot of effort), so I’ll soldier on with this week’s “report.”

The Round Five match-ups pose a couple of thoughtful conundrums; ones that make you go “Pfft, this round is fucking easy!” and then make you go “oh wait, it’s a bit shit” and then you go “oh fuck it, that’ll do” because you just can’t decide if that gut feeling is the dodgy hot dog you got from the servo, or if the Panthers are going to continue the Cowboys’ shit run of form.  Speaking of the Cowbs, is it a coincidence to anyone else that ever since they threw a dumptruck full of money at Jonathan Thurston to keep him until 2015, he hasn’t really looked interested in playing?  It’s funny what happens when athletes get paid to stop giving a shit, huh?

Thurston kind of creeps me out a bit when he laughs, too. 

In other news, the winner of Australia’s Biggest Fuckwit has been announced, with Josh Dugan taking out the coveted prize.  Duges turned his back on what was reported to be a $2 million contract at the Broncos (over two years – that works out to be roughly $1 million per year, if my calculator is to be trusted) in order to swear at a couple of people who let their feelings towards Australia’s Biggest Fuckwit be known on his Instagram account. 

I’ve got an Instagram thing, but I haven’t really put many photos on it.  Although there is one of my bum when I got hit with a ball.  It was actually a really hard photo to take.  My Instagram hasn’t attracted too many followers, but that’s probably a good thing because it means I don’t get called Australia’s Biggest Fuckwit very often either.

Dugan has reportedly been linked with St Helens in the UK Super League, but I honestly haven’t followed up this rumour, so I’ll just run with it and say it’s absofuckinglutely truthful with no hint of a lie.

Round Five:

Bulldogs vs Sea Eagles

Titans vs Broncos

Eels vs Sharks

Cowboys vs Panthers

Dragons vs Knights

Warriors vs Rabbitohs

Storm vs Tigers

Game of the Round

Raiders vs Roosters

If a game of football went for anything other than 80 minutes, I reckon the Raiders would probably have every match pretty well in hand and everyone would recognise them as the world champions of being awesome.

Alas.  It’s an 80-minute game, and the Raiders just aren’t quite maintaining their rhythm, pace and technique for longer than eighteen second periods.  Heh, sounds like me in the bedroom.  High five to me. 

The Roosters destroyed the Eels last week by the small matter of 50 points, and almost look like they give a flying fuck about playing football, which is a sight that hasn’t been seen in the Roosters club since about 1908.  I still hate most  all of the Chooks’ team (especially Sonny Bill), and love the Raiders Lime, but I think the boys from Bondi will be taking this one comfortably. 

This is probably why I feel a bit crook after drinking Raiders Lime.  Ew.