Welcome once again to Friday, which means that Channel 9 are contractually obliged to show you games involving the Tigers and the Bulldogs. Tonight’s game is the Bulldogs hosting the Tigers. If either team was playing well, that would be a coup. As it is, it will just become something to have on in the background after the Brisbane and Souths game while you wash the dishes, or drink beer, or drink the dishwater, or wash the beer or do whatever the hell it is that you do on a Friday night after 9:30ish.
Last week’s round saw the usual dickheads suspended (Steve Matai again – sometimes I think that ol Steve lives a double life as a superhero, and needs to take a few weeks off every so often to do some interstellar travel to fight aliens from destroying the universe, but then I realise that if he was a superhero, he’d probably be way better at football, and would definitely pick a secret identity who wasn’t a complete cocksmoker) and injured (Justin Hodges, whose experiment to replace hamstrings and muscle tissue with a My Kitchen Rules inspired chocolate and fairy floss ganache has gone awry), with a bit of a flipper being thrown in the mix with Andrew “I’m Nimortal!” Johns being questioned over his involvement in some spaff between two dipshits with too much money and a horse that escaped from the dog food factory. For any kids reading this, that means that the horse worked at the dog food factory as a Chief Financial Officer and looked after some very important accounts. For the adults reading this, it means that dog food is made out of shitty horse meat. To be honest, I’m pretty sure no one in Australia gives a fuck what the Waterhouses and the Singletons of this world are doing with their race horses, and would just prefer them all to fuck right off. At least with all this wankery, the Australian media hasn’t had their usual knee-jerk reaction and donked a “gate” on the end of the story to sensationalise it again. “Waterhousegate” sounds a bit shit.
On the subject of the “gate” phenomenon, shouldn’t the Watergate scandal have been called “Watergategate”?
I reckon this weekend’s games will go pretty much to plan – Souths to use their better size, speed and skills to get over Brisbane, Parramatta will continue sucking, Cronulla will consider getting back on the roids after another loss, and the Roosters will keep beating up small children under the guise of being a successful team. That was a metaphor. Although it wouldn’t surprise me if at least a few of the Chooks hadn’t dropped an elbow on a couple of ten year olds. That wasn’t a metaphor.
Brisbane Broncos vs South Sydney Burgesses
Canterbury Bulldogs vs Wests Tigers
Parramatta Eels vs Nth Queensland Cowboys
New Zealand Warriors vs Gold Coast Titans
Newcastle Knights vs Cronulla Sharks
Sydney Roosters vs Penrith Panthers
St George Illawarra Dragons vs Manly Sea Eagles
Game of the Round:
Melbourne Storm vs Canberra Raiders
Well the Raiders certainly were shit last week. The Storm, on the other hand, were pretty fucking good. The Raiders have lost Jarrod Croker to injury. The Storm, on the other hand, don’t have any players missing. The Raiders are trialling a new blue top. The Storm, on the other hand, will keep their usual purple and yellow and shit thing going. The Raiders are languishing near the bottom end of the ladder. The Storm, on the other hand, are at the top.
Weighing this up, one hand is way heavier than the other (and has purple). Can’t beat a purple hand. I think that was a metaphor. Storm by a thOUsand.
First kisses can be awkward. Especially when someone else is hugging their bum.