The NRL wrapped up their “Women in League” round last week, which acknowledges all of the girls who play rugby league (Cooper Cronk). Highlights of the week-long celebration including allegations of physical assault, and the return of Robert Lui. Nice timing, Cowboys. The NRL is planning on changing the 2014 Women in League colour from pink to lovely shades of black and blue.
Ben Te’o has been allegedly pointed at by an alleged woman that allegedly had her eye socket allegedly broken allegedly by him. He said, “Yeah nah, wasn’t me, but” and she said, “Yeah nah, maybe not, hey?” and the police said, “Yeah, so no?” And he said, “Nah nah yeah,” and there have been no further allegations. Te’o told the Rabbitohs official people that he had been involved in an “incident” whereby someone got hurt, he was in the vicinity and he called the po-po. Here’s a tip to all footy clubs: if someone mentions something like this to you, tell the fucking NRL (preferably within five weeks), or it makes you look dodgy and everyone thinks you’re a bit of a dick.
In other news, Krisnan Inu celebrated coming back from his suspension by being suspended again, leading to the fear that he might lose his “good guy” image at the Bulldogs. Inu was originally banned for dumping Greg Inglis on his head (twice), and this time for trying to force Newcastle winger James McManus’ leg into his own bum. I guess it’s easier to be a good bloke at Canterbury than it is at most places. Captain Mick “Grubby Balls” Ennis says (of Inu), "He's a guy I really enjoy having in the team. He's great having around the club.'' Maybe it is good to have a certain amount of paranoia around in a footy team, or to have the safety buffer of being able to drown puppies as a recreational activity and not be the biggest cock in the team.
Newcastle were worried that the tackle could have ended McManus’ career. Most people were surprised that he even had one to start with.
Benji “This Time For Reals” Marshall has vowed to silence critics who have panned him for being shit this year. As we are hitting Round 11, this might just be a little bit of “who gives a fuck?” news, and begs the question, “Why start trying now, dickhead?” If you promise to play well for this game, you probably should have tried to play well for the last ten weeks too.
But I do love the Tigers – they are the team to follow right now, especially since it gives everyone an opportunity to invent a drinking game about prop Adam Blair, who, after being bought from Melbourne a few years ago has done exactly “fuck all and nothing” to earn himself a lovely little half-million dollar paycheck. Last week, Blair’s stats were: Six missed tackles, zero tackle busts, zero linebreaks and four runs for 34 metres in 72 minutes. Four fucking runs? If Blair plays 25 games this year, he is worth $20,000 per game. That works out to be the equivalent of earning a lovely $5,000 per hit up, $588 per metre gained, or $277 for each minute he’s spending on the field, scratching his balls and not bothering to tackle.
I can’t believe people say that professional footballers are overpaid.
And since it’s Friday, it means that we get another great opportunity to see Benji and Blairsy do their thing as they run around chasing their own dicks and bumping into each other. The Tigers need to get off motherfucking free-to-air tv on Friday nights, and they need a motherfucking montage to get their season back on track.
Fuck the Tigers. They’d better not win. Which they won't.
Fuck both the Doggies and the Broncos, I can’t tell if they’re meant to be good or not. Fuck me, I’m tipping the Dogs.
Fuck Penrith, but fuck Josh Dugan of St George as well, who scored twice in his comeback game (should have scored more too) against Parramatta and declared himself a contender for Origin. Can someone remind him that he beat Parramatta, not the 1994 Kangaroos squad?
Fuck the Roosters, and fuck the Storm more if they keep not winning. Fucking fucks.
Fuck the Warriors; imagine losing to the Panthers by 60 fucking points. Jesus.
Fuck the Eels, even though I reckon they might upset the Titans. Although, is it really an upset if no one gives a fuck?
Fuck the Sharks. There’s a bit of cash being thrown at them to upset the Bunnies too, but I don’t think that’ll fucking happen.
Wests Tigers vs Nth Queensland Cowboys
Canterbury Bulldogs vs Brisbane Broncos
St George Illawarra Dragons vs Penrith Panthers
Sydney Roosters vs Melbourne Storm
New Zealand Warriors vs Newcastle Knights
Parramatta Eels vs Gold Coast Titans
Cronulla Sharks vs South Sydney Rabbitohs
Game of the Round:
Manly Sea Eagles vs Canberra Raiders
Which Canberra team will turn up this weekend? The world-beating, giant-killing, swash-buckling, rape-pillage-plundering Vikings that we all know and love, or the whiny little bitches who have already accepted defeat at the hands of a lowlier opposition, and willingly bend over barrels to be royally fucked, then shine their shoes and give them $50 just because they think they deserve it.
Canberra should have won last week against the Sharks, but gave away too much easy possession and far too many opportunities, which Cronulla were (just) able to capitalise on. Manly, by all reports, were gritty in their 10-all draw against the Storm, and were able to hold out metric fuck-tons of pressure from Melbourne to deny them victory on Monday night. Will the physical toll be too much for the Sea Eagles to back up again on Saturday night? You’d fucking think not, it was a while ago and they’re professional athletes, for fuck’s sake. Have a Radox bath, drink a Powerade and get back into it, you lazy shits.
I’m tipping a Manly win (sorry everyone), tipping Steve Matai to give away two penalties and be cited for a shit tackle, and Blake Ferguson to inexplicably drop the ball in his own 20-metre zone. Specifics are my life.
Reasons I could play footy #52: I enjoy lying down