Friday, July 18, 2014

NRL 2014 Round 19: Thorpedoed

In typical fashion, I tipped a full round last week… and forgot to post a blog with my predictions and hilarious insights into the world. 

In a nutshell, the last fortnight has entailed:
The Sharks beat the Roosters, Lote Tuquiri was one of Souths best players, Josh Papali threw a bottle ofmoisturising lotion at some bloke, Darius Boyd cemented the notion that league players are all fucking idiots, the Wolfman has been banned from playing for tipping himself (plus he would’ve lost a couple of bucks on a wasted bet), the Warriors pushed in a scrum and scored, and Wayne Bennett has decided that he doesn’t want to coach a team whose average age is older than him. 

There was also a great example of "what the fuck am I going to do now?" from outside the world of rugby league, yet I think that many of our boofheaded heroes can learn from. Ian Thorpe, former Aussie swimming champion has clarified what everyone in the whole world ever suspected, and cares fuck all about, in that he is indeed gay.  I’m not sure whether it was the fact that Thorpie was never seen with women during his swimming career or that he opted to go into designing pearl necklaces (hehehe), but I just don’t really think anyone cares who an ex-swimmer is knocking flippers with anyway. 

To me, it’s a desperate act for Ian Thorpe to remain relevant, and he did it in a dick way, by going to the most popular and most-watched (and probably highest paying) interviewer, Michael Parkinson.  What’s up, Thorpie, isn’t Ray Martin good enough?  Karl Stefanovic?  That chick off 60 Minutes?

Personally, I’ve never liked Ian Thorpe.  I didn’t like him when he was swimming, I didn’t like him when he wasn’t, I didn’t like him when he wasn’t gay and I don’t like him now that he is.  He just seems like a tool.  Yes, the bloke can tread water like a boss, but I don’t think that’s much of a substitute for personality.  He tried to host a shithouse tv show, tried to make a swimming comeback, tried to be the people’s champion again, and it didn’t work.  Maybe he didn’t quite realise that staring at a black line on the bottom of a pool can only get you so far, especially to the fickle Australian sporting community.  Once your use-by date is gone, you get chucked out with the rest of the old vegetables and empty milk containers. 

What Thorpie really needed to do was to line something up for his post-swimming life.  A job.  An education.  A personality.  Fuck it, if that Hackett dickhead can get a gig hosting Wide World of Sports every Sunday, and faffing off around the world to commentate on swimming meets, then surely there’s something out there for Thorpie to do, other than his current occupation, which is TO BE GAY. 

It’s something that every pro athlete in Australia needs to think about.  Once you hit that magic age where your injuries don’t heal as well, your technique starts to falter, or you just get plain tired, you need a Plan B.  There’s only so long that the public will want to see you, so there’s only so long that your sponsors will want you to be seen with them. 

Good luck with the next month of interviews for Women’s Day and New Idea.  Hope you invest the cash well so we don’t need to see you in a see-through fluoro string vest at Mardi Gras.

 I know, I'm as shocked as you are.

Round 19

Cronulla Sharks vs Nth Queensland Cowboys
Parramatta Eels vs South Sydney Rabbitohs
Sydney Roosters vs Penrith Panthers
Melbourne Storm vs Canberra Raiders
Brisbane Broncos vs New Zealand Warriors
Newcastle Knights vs Gold Coast Titans
Wests Tigers vs Canterbury Bulldogs
St George Illawarra Dragons vs Manly Sea Eagles

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