My NRL finals tipping hasn’t gone as well as it possibly could have, to the point where I think I’ve only picked one correct game in about a month. I guess it just goes to show how ordinary the teams really are.
So consider that my NRL tips are all kinds of fucked, let’s give this AFL game a crack. There’s only one game left – two teams to choose from – can’t be that fucking hard, can it?
AFL GRAND FINAL
Swans vs Hawks
I’ve done a whole shit-tin of research on this game, comparing and contrasting these two teams since their inception into the league in 1734, counted all of their marks, possessions, disposals, inside-50s, goals, penalties and most importantly, I’ve studied their behinds (hehehehe). The conclusion is that they are decidedly even, with each team kicking a few, missing a bit, catching a couple, not catching it when they probably should have, everyone yelling “BALL!”, some players being allowed to hold other players behind the play a lot more than others, pushing in the back is sometimes legal, sleeves are optional, tatts are not, the video ref is rubbish and there’s a position called back pocket. That’s where I keep my wallet (and my parking ticket when I go to the multi-storey car park).
I also learned that one of the main players in this game will be superstar Lance “Buddy” Franklin, who left the Hawks last year (maybe the year before), to have wild passionate sex on a $50-note-filled-mattress with supermodel Jacinta Campbell while Leonardo diCaprio draws them “like one of his French girls.” Fuck it, I’d probably do the same thing. So if there are any AFL teams out there looking for a skinny 34-year old bloke who hasn’t ever played the game before, I am willing to accept money and supermodels to join your club. I probably can't kick straight either.
My super journalistic skills (watching the Today show) have also discerned that the Hawks seem to be banking all of their hope on a bloke called Cyril Rioli rising from his deathbed to play in the game. At time of last checking (“I wake up with Today!”), Cyril still hadn’t passed or failed his fitness test… so yeah, I don’t really know what else to do with that. If he doesn’t play, will Hawthorn just forfeit? Surely they have other players who could strap on some boots, pull their socks up, throw some grass in the air and nail a behind (hehehehe).
It’s not my fault - the two main players in this game are called Lance and Cyril! At least tell me that there’s a Tobias and a Sebastian playing as well?
NRL SEMI FINAL
I couldn’t resist coming back to this one – sorry AFL fans. What a classic couple of games last week, with 1 point bundling Manly out of the comp (woohoo) to let the Doggies go through (hrrrrm), and the Roosters giving up a 30-point lead to somehow get over the Cowboys (bit of cheating going on, and some Sonny Bill “allowances” from the referees, perhaps) by a field goal as well. From here on in, a one-point win (the single digit) is now known as the Hopoate. Kids, ask your parents.
I think the Roosters looked fucked under pressure last week, and any team that lets a 30-point lead go at any stage of the season should be sent to play French rugby for a while. I mean, fuck, even the Raiders weren’t that bad. Sure, they never scored 30 points all year, but still. My money is on the Rabbits to take the Chooks down – the Roosters have shown on a few occasions this year that they are not an 80-minute team, and will leak like Todd Carney once the game’s momentum has swung. If the Bunnies can defend for 30 minutes of the first half, the game will be theirs.
And the Doggies taking on the Panthers – fuck me, there’s two teams who I don’t think too many people would have picked to be here at this stage of the season – regardless of who wins (and I hope it’s not Canterbury), I just don’t see either of them with the finesse and class to beat either Souths or the Roosters in next week’s granny. But we have seen time and time again that teams coming from bum-fuck nowhere to play in the GF have shown guts and determination, and have been under-estimated to upset a more highly-regarded team. Like the Mighty Ducks, or every single American Football movie ever made.
But that won’t happen this year. Souths to conquer all, mofos.
Roosters vs Bunnies
Doggies vs Panthers