NRL 2014 Round 6: Shut up, Robbie Farah. And spell your name with two R's; it would make it look better

Another splendid weekend of tipping saw me double my previous week’s efforts, to score a massive 2 from 8.  That gives me 3 from 16 for the fortnight.  And yet, I feel like I’m actually on par with the rest of the world.  You’re not; you’re like 30 points off the leader.  Fair enough, I never liked golf anyway.  I don’t trust the shoes.

In league this week, Beau Ryan made a joke about Jamie Soward on the Footy Show, which Jamie responded back to about how Beau Ryan should go back to reserve grade, so Robbie Farah decided to log into Twitter and give his eighteen cents.  I would advise anyone who has been a victim of cyber-bullying and has then been made an advocate for anti-dickhead behaviour, as Robbie Farah has been, that they should probably stop abusing other people on social media.  

Come on, Robert, don’t be the third man into a fight.  That’s Sam Thaiday’s job.

In other news, the Warriors fired coach Matt Elliot, bringing the total number of teams that have dumped him before his contract expired to:  All of them.

Round 6

This MUST be the time that sanity prevails in the NRL, so I’m just going to go with the favourites and hope to fuck that they win.  Stupid dickheads in the stupid dickheaded NRL.  There’s no way to properly tip anyone right now.  You just have to shrug, pick a team, grab some beers and swear at the tv a lot.

Penrith Panthers vs South Sydney Rabbitohs

Gold Coast Titans vs Brisbane Broncos

Parramatta Eels vs Sydney Roosters

Wests Tigers vs North Queensland Cowboys

New Zealand Warriors vs Canterbury Bulldogs

Manly-Warringah Sea Eagles vs Cronulla-Sutherland Sharks

Melbourne Storm      vs St George-Illawarra Dragons

Game of the Round

Canberra Raiders vs Newcastle Knights

Canberra are obviously in a bit of trouble at the moment, sharing the cellar with the league’s whipping boys Melbourne, Nth Queensland and Souths.  In my opinion, the Raiders’ biggest problem is their inability to score points.  They can control the ball, they can win possession, they can have great field position, but they just don’t have a fucking clue as to how to score a try. 

My solution:  kick a field goal.  Just imagine, four minutes in, the Raiders have the ball thirty metres out from the Newcastle line.  Fifth tackle, the ball comes back to Terry Campese, who calmly slots a one-pointer.  1-0 Raiders. 

Knights kick off.  The Raiders grind it down to the Newcastle forty within five tackles.  On the last, Jack Wighton knocks over a field goal.  2-0 Raiders. 

Keep this going for the entire half, and they could be 20 points up.  By this stage, the Knights will be thinking, “Well fuck.  We should start trying to get to the kicker on the fifth tackle.  We don’t want to be 21 points behind.”  So they rush up on the first receiver on the fifth tackle.  It’s at this point that the receiver passes the ball to a runner, who takes advantage of the gaps that have appeared, and they miiiiiight just be able to streak in for a try.  If that doesn’t work, fuck it, just kick a field goal on the next set.  Think of the scorecard with Canberra winning 27-6, and not crossing the try line at all.  I have a field goal boner just thinking about it.  Do you get those a lot?  More than you know.

 

Fuck it, at the very least, it would stop the Raiders from just booting the ball straight to the fullback on every kicking option.

The Raiders cruelly lost star recruit Wesley Snipes to a season-ending ankle injury.  His flat-top is fine.

NRL Round 5: It just doesn’t make any sense

OH GOD MAKE IT STOP.  I JUST DON’T KNOW WHAT TO DO ANYMORE.

I don't know if "Good tipping" means the same in English as it does in whatever language this is written in.

So it’s fucking nonsense on stilts time in the NRL, is it?  Fine.  I can stilt-walk with the motherfucking most nonsensical of them all.  Let’s roll, bitches.

Round 5:

Why the fuck do fucking Brisbane get so many fucking Friday fucking night games?  Those fucks.  Just once, Channel 9, I’d like to enjoy my Friday night football without some fucking dickwit from Brissy fucking it up with his brazen ugliness.  Fucking fuck.

I’ve got a sneaking suspicion that the Dogs will roll the Rooters, who I still refuse to rate as a decent football team – their halves are the shittest thing ever.  Like, shitter than when you press too firmly onto your bread when you’re spreading butter, and it rips the bastard asunder, and your sandwich is fucked from then on in.  Mitch Pearce is the worst player ever, which is an achievement in itself when you think about the other people in his like Shaun Kenny-Dowell and James Maloney, who probably needs to stop thinking about the time he got caught having a wank and became a Footy Show legend, and practice kicking the fucking ball.  Stupid dickhead Roosters.  Despite all that, I’m tipping them.  My unique plan last week to tip the winners didn’t work, so I'm mixing it up this time.

Everyone else had better turn up – I’m looking at you, Souths, Melbourne and Cowboys. 

The only game of any interest is whether Cronulla can get off their duck for the season with a win over the Warriors.  If there’s a team who can pull off a complete turn-around in form in one week, it’s our cousins from over the creek.  I am so glad I’m not a Warriors fan sometimes (most times) – at least supporting the Raiders you usually know what you’re going to get from them (consistent inconsistency) which is more consistent than being so inconsistently consistent like the Warriors.  They’d better win though, or I’ll make Lote Tuquiri play for them.  I have a funny feeling the Bunnies will no longer be requiring his services.  Hanging onto him would be like being cured of the Ebola virus, then thinking, “Actually, the intolerable pain, gaping gangrenous wounds and imminent death were kind of fun.  I’d like that again please!” and then drinking a mosquito and maggot milkshake (or however you get the Ebola virus.  I don’t know, I’m not a scientician, I just like milkshakes).  

Sydney Roosters vs Canterbury Bulldogs

Brisbane Broncos vs Parramatta Eels

Cronulla Sharks vs New Zealand Warriors

St George Illawarra Dragons vs South Sydney Rabbitohs

Melbourne Storm vs Gold Coast Titans

Wests Tigers vs Manly Sea Eagles

Nth Queensland Cowboys vs Newcastle Knights

Game of the Round

Penrith Panthers vs Canberra Raiders

I hope no one is lactose intolerant in this game, as it’s a battle of dairy: the OAK Panthers vs the Canberra Lime Milk Raiders.  I would also hope that if you were lactose intolerant, you wouldn’t chug a litre of milk before running out to spend the next 80 minutes being smashed around by thirteen dickheads on a field.  It would get messy and I doubt you’d make many friends.

The Raiders hit their straps last week by crushing heavyweights South Sydney without even breaking a sweat, while the Panthers lost to some fucking idiots.  I can’t even remember who they played, that’s how good that game was.  But they lost. 

There’s absolutely no reason why either of these teams should win – it’s one of those games where one of them is going to win by at least 30 points, and it could quite easily be either team.  If it’s not, it will probably be Penrith.  Stay in school, kids.

It's funny that Todd Carney needs to announce when he doesn't get "in no fights"

NRL 2014 Round 4: McWarning

Round three saw a handful of upsets and a couple of statements of “are you fucking serious?” about the rest of the scorelines.  The Bunnies were brought down to earth by the Tigers, the Raiders made sure they didn’t get too carried away by their round two victory by losing their game against the Titans, and Manly beat motherfucking Parramatta after the motherfucking siren.  Four seconds previously, the Eels were winning.  THINK ABOUT THAT.  There are teenagers alive today who have never known the Eels to be ahead in any sense of the word.

The big news of the week was the story of Knights player Alex McKinnon, who was taken in an awkward tackle by Melbourne player Jordan McLean, and subsequently placed in an induced coma following the revelation that he’s broken his neck.  There’s no joke in this paragraph, I’m just recapping the week’s main story.  I think we can safely assume that McKinnon’s career has come to an abrupt halt, and I’m going out on a limb to say that McLean may not want to come back to play again either; it’s not every day that you break a man’s neck in a tackle.  Especially one that two other boofy blokes were involved in, and while it wasn’t the world’s best tackle, it certainly wasn’t the worst I’ve seen either, and probably didn’t deserve to end two careers.  Bad week for people with a Mc in their surname, huh?  My Scottish cousin Mishter Evil McBreakfasht is in some shit though.

Enough of that though, let’s tip some games.

Round 4

Honestly, after three rounds you’d expect to have some kind of idea about what’s going on this season, wouldn’t you?  Not this year, fuck no.  The teams that are rubbish are beating the teams that are good, the teams that are good aren’t actually good, the shit ones are, and the others are undecided, except for a few who are shit, have been shit and will always be shit.  And then there’s fucking Manly.  It’s all fucked, and it’s starting to hurt my brain.

Roosters v Manly is a dead-set nut scratcher, and you have to work out why God would allow such a thing to happen.  A team with Mitchell Pearce in it should never win, especially when he links up with Shaun Kenny-Dowell and Sonny Bill Williams.  But when they play the Sea Eagles, there’s really nothing else you can do but curl up in a ball and rock yourself to sleep.

Somehow the Dragons have managed to scrape three wins together so far this year, with the Broncs dropping just one game, despite being the team that has officially raised my eyebrows the most this season.  I can’t argue with my eyebrow surprise, so they’re getting my pick to disrupt the Dragons’ run.  Also, Josh Dugan is threatening to return this weekend, so that will force a reshuffle for the Saints’ backline when he leaves the field with an injury after fifteen minutes.

Battle of the Fuck Knows? goes to the battle between the Tigers and the Warriors this week.  Actually, that will be the Battle of the Fucks Knows and Fuck Cares.  Not me.  But the Tigers, simply because I have to tip someone.

Despite the Eels’ performance last weekend (they still didn’t win), I don’t think they have it in them to knock off the Penny Panthers, who I reckon will be dark horses (not literally, you dickheads) to sneak into the top four.

The Doggies are hosting the Storm in Perth, which which will suit the Storm, as they’re used to playing in half-empty stadiums where the spectators don’t understand the game they’re watching.  If Cooper Cronk can get his mind off the news that Chris Martin and Gwyneth Paltrow have split up, and what this means for Coldplay and Gwynny’s blog, they should go a long way to winning this one.

The Knights vs the Sharks game is threatening to be pretty exciting as well, as these two teams of extraordinary athletes go head to head in what will surely be a highlight reel extravaganza of… I can’t do it.  This game will be fucked, and is an unofficial challenge to work out just who is the shittest team in the NRL right now.  I’m going for the Sharkies, even though the Knights team will be “doing it for Alex.”  Sometimes just because you really want to win, it doesn’t mean that you will.  Otherwise I would have won Lotto heaps and Natalie Portman and Emma Stone would be popping over for a coffee in the morning.

Finally, we’ve got the Titans and the Cowboys; one of whom scored an upset victory, and the other was upset last week.  I was also upset – not only did both of these dickhead teams ruin my tips, but I also ripped a hole in the bottom off my shoe, and then my foot got wet and I had to spend the whole day with a cold, wet sock.  It was fucked, man. 

Roosters vs. Sea Eagles

Dragons vs. Broncos

Warriors vs. Tigers

Eels vs. Panthers

Bulldogs vs. Storm

Knights vs. Sharks

Titans vs. Cowboys

Game of the Round

Rabbitohs vs. Raiders

Both of these teams lost last week to teams that they would normally have on a crumpet, but they got done because they’re dickheads.  They also managed to injure a few key players, just for good measure.  The Bunnies did manage to get George Burgess off a shitty tackle charge (somehow – I’m not suggesting anything, but I have it on good advice that Mrs Burgess may have performed some sexual acts on several members of the judiciary), so they’ve got that going for them. 

Fuck it, the entire Rabbitohs team could be ruled out, and Russell Crowe had to play each position, and the Raiders still wouldn’t fucking win.  But I still love them.  Why is it always the pretty ones?

NRL 2014 Round 3: My head hurts

Breaking news from the NRL this week came in the form of a new rule that if a player is concussed, they need to harden up take a break for a week and have some diagnostic tests done by the marketing manager a doctor before playing again.  This comes after players such as Ian “Have I Mentioned Lately That I’m Gay?  Well, I’m Gay” Roberts and Mario “what?” Fenech came out with the shocking revelations that they have forms of brain damage due to having constantly damaged their brains while playing footy.

I am not a football player (they won’t let me due to my extreme awesomeness, plus my hatred for Todd Carney), but I have been knocked out a few times - more if you include the times when alcohol was involved – and I’ve found that the whole ‘falling over when you’re standing still’ effect of a concussion should probably be enough of a sign that you shouldn’t be in a huge rush to get back on the field so you can run headlong into a 110kg bloke who’s running headlong into you at the same time. 

But that’s just me.  Honestly, I’m just not sure how this is even an issue in 2014 where coaches, managers and trainers haven’t been given a swift arse-kicking for plonking some bloke back in the game after he copped a face-full of some other dickhead’s head, just in case he’s able to fall over the try-line because the crowd, the sponsors and the management would prefer that Favourite Player #1 gets the points over Replacement Player #3.  Because, let’s be Francine with each other here, if that malarkey keeps going, Favourite Player #1 might not be around as long as he could be. 

Am I getting too serious here, or is it just me?  It’s Friday, it’s been a long week.  Piss off. 

Round 3

For most of the games this week, it appears fairly cut’n’dry with who to tip, with the exception of the Broncs vs the Rooters and the Penny Panthers vs the Doggies.  And I’ll throw in Sharkies and the Dragons too, just because they Sharks are playing shit and the Dragons are playing well, but that situation is about ready to switch itself around.

West Tigers vs South Sydney Rabbitohs

Brisbane Broncos vs Sydney Roosters

Penrith Panthers vs Canterbury Bulldogs...

Cronulla Sharks vs St George Illawarra

Nth Queensland Cowboys vs New Zealand Warriors

Manly Sea Eagles vs Parramatta Eels

Melbourne Storm vs Newcastle Knights

Game of the Round

Canberra Raiders vs Gold Coast Titans

Round Three sees the Raiders at home for the first time in 2014, and the unveiling of the new GIO Stadium (sign).  The Titans have been traditionally rubbish so far this year, while the Green Machine have been in pretty decent form against two top-eight teams from last year.  As long as no one gets complacent (although I wouldn’t put complacency about making the grand final past the Raiders after a close loss and a close win), the mighty lads from our nation’s capital should notch up a tidy victory.  Pop a $5 on Edrick Lee to cross for a couple.  

NRL Round 2: How to Make the NRL Better

ERMAGHERD Round 1 was bloody brilliant – it had it all: big hits, controversy, Geoff Toovey having a sook, upsets, big wins, debuts, comebacks and resurgences.  It’s just a pity that no one was around to witness any of it.  Crowds were waaaaay down, and the games weren’t even that shit.  Not that I really watched much, I was too busy fighting crime, pirating the seven seas and making raucous love to beautiful women. MEB, you were home alone, dressing your cat up in a tutu.  Well there was that as well.  The main point is that I was drunk.

Here are a few things you can blame the current lack of interest in rugby league on:

1.  The Footy Show

The year’s first episode was a fucking dismal disaster in all senses of the word.  I was on the internet expressing my displeasure in it immediately.  The show seems to be aimed at 15-year old kids, with its rap video parodies and constantly out-dated pop culture references.  I understand that the Footy Show was on prior to any football actually being played, so we must beg the question:  Why was it even on in the first place?  If Channel 9 were so adamant that Australia (and England, Ireland, NZ and PNG) needed a dose of Fatty Vautin being cut off by Michael Slater, while Erin Molan speaks over the top of them to have a private-yet-entirely-filmed conversation with Beau Ryan, and Darryl Brohmann wondering why he’s even there, they should have made it an hour-long preview of 2014, looking at the pre-season games, the signings, the leavings and the prospects of each team.  With the right people, a dose of professionalism and less masturbation jokes, it could be funny, entertaining, informative and actually about rugby league.

2.  Scrums

I have always been a fan of the rugby league scrum.  It gets the forwards out of the way and allows the outside backs to show their skills and speed.  Unfortunately, the forwards aren’t allowed to contest a scrum anymore, and the half-back doesn’t even need to bother putting the ball in – something to do with a bunch of lesbians complaining that it hurts their backs if people push in a scrum, AKA you’re doing it wrong. 

Scrums now are made up of six random blokes who just happened to be in the vicinity.  I think I saw a trainer and the touch judge pack in for the Roosters last year.  So we have a case of a winger fitting in at lock, with a centre and a hooker in the second row, with the half-back at hooker, between a five-eighth and one prop up front.  This means there’s a second-rower standing at first receiver, which means that they’re just going to run into the defensive line.  BORING.  If you aren’t going to scrum down, do a fucking line-out or something that will require a bit of practice, add a new element to the game and get rid of the dead weight that are a blight on the game.

3.  Stop the clock

Too much faffing about takes place when the ball is out of play and the clock keeps ticking.  Simple rule here, dickheads – if the ball isn’t dead, the clock isn’t either.  If the average punter coughing up about $30 to get into the ground, he shouldn’t have to pay to watch some fuckwit line up a penalty kick.  If he wanted to watch teams standing around looking at a kicker, he would have gone to the union.  Then he would have died of boredom.

4.  Too many dickheads

It’s an ongoing saga, this one.  Too many fuckwits in the game being fuckwits and fuckwitting it up for those who aren’t fuckwits.  Let’s just stop the fuckwits before they get into the game.  Let’s not pay them millions of dollars to be fuckwits.  Let’s not elevate them above the rest of the non-fuckwit society.  Let’s have a salary cap on fuckwit tattoos.  Let’s just stop the fuckwits.  Tony Abbott needs to get onto that.

5.  Contracts

Andrew Fafita began Round 1 as a Shark and finished it as a Bulldog.  How can this shit happen?  It’s fine for a team to get players when they have finished their contract, but maybe they should just keep it under wraps that in 2015, they’ll have a brand new prop forward.  We’re trying to build some kind of non-fuckwitted supporter base here; we’re trying to pretend that people in the team like each other and get on well professionally.  As a fan, it’s just a bit shit to be supporting a player who announces IN ROUND ONE that he’s leaving the club.  Unless it’s Todd Carney, then everyone is happy. 

Round 2

The Broncos surprised everyone last week by playing well, something that hasn’t happened since 1989, so I’m banking on them doing it again this week.  Especially since I don’t really like the Cowboys.  Am I alone in that?  I don’t even know why.  Probably because of Jonathan Thurston.  Actually, definitely because of that.

I’m tipping Souths, because they’re against Manly.  Dur. 

St George are at HUGE odds against the Warriors, for some ungodly reason.  The Warriors are rubbish, and even more rubbish against the Saints, which makes them super rubbish, because the Saints are rubbish themselves.  Still, I’m tipping them. 

The only game to really scratch my balls about this week is the Dogs vs the Sharks.  In the end, I decided that I didn’t care, and just tipped the lads from the Shire.  Sometimes when your head says “fuck that, let’s go to the pub” and your heart tells you “my shout”, you just have to listen to reason.

Manly Sea Eagles vs South Sydney Rabbitohs

Brisbane Broncos vs Nth Queensland Cowboys

New Zealand Warriors vs St George Illawarra Dragons

Melbourne Storm vs Penrith Panthers

Sydney Roosters vs Parramatta Eels

Gold Coast Titans vs Wests Tigers

Canterbury Bulldogs vs Cronulla Sharks

Game of the Round

Newcastle Knights vs Canberra Raiders

This game kept me up all night.  No it didn’t.  You stayed up playing Candy Crush.  AND FLAPPY BIRD!

I want Canberra to win this game (I’d like them to win every game, let’s be honest), but for some reason the Knights always manage to ruin that dream.  Actually, most teams the Raiders play ruin that dream, but losing to the Knights always seems to hurt more, because they’re the sort of team that you really should beat.  Maybe that’s how every other team feels when they lose to the Raiders?  This shit has just gone meta.  Anyway, as much as I was impressed by the ol’ Canberra spark last week, I just can’t find it within my cold, dead heart to back them this week.  Sorry lads.  Prove me wrong.  You’re wrong.  Fuck off, internal voice. No.

NRL Round 1 2014: The cricket season is over

The cricket season came to a crashing end last night/this morning (depending on your commitment to following a slow, yet intriguing day of test match cricket from South Africa), and what better way to celebrate an historic 2-1 series victory for the Aussies (thank fuck that Dale Steyn was injured for the last game, amirite eh eh eh?) than to get into a bit of rugby fucking league?

Let’s be honest here – it will be the same major players this year as it has been for the last few.  Roosters, Souths, Melbourne and possibly Canterbury and North Queensland, depending on how much cheating and drugs the Doggies can get away with, and the kind of form that Thurston is in for the Cowbs following his Origin kick.  Everyone else can probably just put their season away now and say, “Well, we tried our best,” even if that's a big, fat lie.  

For once, the NRL season launch went off without complaint, arrest and ongoing investigations.  One reason this happened was the NRL’s choice of “Face of the Game” which was Anthony Minichello, a player who most people think retired about four years ago.  Congrats, Mini.  You’re still alive.

Mister Evil Breakfast’s 2014 Predictions

Traditionally, I’ve been like a John Edwards/Dynamo hybrid with just how spot-on my thoughts on the upcoming season will be.  Let’s rub the crystal ball again and see what the future will bring:

• Souths will win the comp, even though they probably had a better year last year.  They’ll beat Manly in the grand final, and everyone will be happy.  The Burgess boys will all get into shit this year, and follow Sam into rugby. 

•  Isaac Luke will annoy too many people and will cop a big ban for doing some stupid tackles that end some poor bastard’s career.

• Soward and Wallace won’t gel in the Penrith half line, and Sowie will probably retire halfway through the season, citing, “I’m not playing with that fuckwit anymore.” 

• Chris Sandow will claim that his off-field issues are affecting his on-field performance which will be news to most of the punters, who reckon he’s having “a pretty good year.”

• Josh Papalli will get into some trouble with drinking, drugs and violence, and may also have some drama off-field.  Calls to reinstate Dave Furner as Raiders’ head coach will begin after Round 4.

• Ben Barba will be injured for most of the year, but will be pretty happy to pick up his weekly pay packet, having seen how well it works for Josh Dugan and Shane Watson. 

• The Dogs will perform as averagely as they have for a while, but it’s kind of what we’ve come to expect.  Who do they even have on their team?  Terry Lamb?  Hasim el Masri?  One of the Mortimers?  Fuck it, I don’t know.

• Josh Dugan will most likely fuck up due to drugs and alcohol, and will enter into a rehabilitation centre for 20 minutes and become reborn.  Again.  At the rate of Duges’ rebirths lately, he is on track to be the next Dalai Lama. 

•  The Cowboys will do alright again, even though JT really only tries to play well during Origin season. 

•  Steve Matai will retire and be a major player in a badly-thought-out Australian WWE contest.  He will then move onto the third incarnation of Gladiators.  Then he’ll come out of retirement and play league again, but will finish his career at the Titans. 

•  Hopefully Greg Bird gets suspended for being a dick, or contracts scurvy or something.  I just don’t like him and think he’d fit in quite well playing rugby union so I don’t have to watch him.

•  The Warriors will go quite strongly during the middle part of the year while everyone else is interested in Origin, and will sneak into contention for the top eight, just like they do every year.  But then they’ll suck and won’t make it.

•  The Sharkies will find strength from their previous kerfuffles with drugs and dodgy coaches and horse tranquilizers and Asian midget prostitutes and stick together for another dose of “fuck it” football.  When the entire team is playing individually so they can catch the eye of another club, it makes everyone perform better.

•  Slater will succumb to an injury that he describes as being like “a crowbar hit across the back of the head” and spend a few months on the sideline having VB cans lobbed at him by me.

SO MUCH TO LOOK FORWARD TO.

Here’s Round 1 in a nutshell.

South Sydney Rabbitohs vs Sydney Roosters

Canterbury Bulldogs vs Brisbane Broncos

Penrith Panthers vs Newcastle Knights

Manly Sea Eagles vs Melbourne Storm

St George Illawarra Dragons vs Wests Tigers

Parramatta Eels vs New Zealand Warriors

Cronulla Sharks vs Gold Coast Titans

Game of the Round

Nth Queensland Cowboys vs Canberra Raiders

While a few games in this round are a bit “maybe Team A, maybe Team B,” this match is pretty simple.  Hopefully the Raiders turn up warm and ready to go, because come kick-off, they’ll need to be flexible enough to bend over and grab their ankles for a full 80-minutes. 

The warm weather of North Queensland will only add to the debauchery that will ensue.  Poor Raiders.  

TGIF, amirite?

"I stand corrected," said the man in the orthopaedic shoes.

and oldie but a goodie

I used to be a kleptomaniac but I took something for it.

clever htinking

If you ever run out of toothpaste, just put a layer of fake tan onto your skin.  It will make your teeth seem whiter than ever!

I don't have enough doe

You know what’s deer?  Venison.

Bing

I love the word "frequently" and so I try to use it as much as possible.

Personal challenges

Whenever I have to sign for anything - whether it's a delivery, a credit card or one of those novelty, over-sized birthday cards that goes around the office every so often, I try to steal the pen that the person gave me to sign it with.

So far, I have three.  Fuck off, I never said I was good at it.

Pilates

The only reason I would join a pilates class is so I would be able to get my wallet out of my back pocket in the McDonalds Drive-Thru a lot easier.

This actually happened to me today

I was walking through Big W on my lunch break today, and I had four people ask me where things were. I explained to them all that I did not work there. Two people apologised, one said, "You should work here, then you could help me, because I can't find anything in this shop," and the fourth one advised me that I shouldn't go into Big W if I'm wearing a blue shirt. 

I told them that I was actually in there to buy a different coloured shirt, but kept being interrupted by other customers that I hadn't had time to get one yet. She advised that I should also get a different tie, because it wouldn't look good on a red shirt. I told her that I was going to buy a black shirt, which she thought was a better idea (phew), and then I proceeded to tell her about how I usually take a short-cut through David Jones to get back to work, and how I was now going to have to go the long way so people didn't mistake me for a David Jones employee if I was in the store with a black shirt on, which meant I was going to have to walk past the Cancer Council desk, and every time I walk past them, they talk to me and suck me in and make me feel guilty for not donating money, and I feel obligated to give them an ongoing monthly (tax deductible) donation of $28 per month, which I normally keep going for three months before cancelling it.

I explained that I didn't really have that kind of expendable cash right now, to be spending over $100 on a shirt that I didn't really want. I was kind of hoping that she'd give me some money, but she didn't. She just patted me on the arm and walked away.

 Big W didn't have what I wanted, by the way. I did manage to track down an employee, and she said, "No, we don't have that."

 It was still a pretty good lunch break though.

Mis-en-scene

Poor people in movies always have clean houses with flowers and framed pictures. We only know they’re really poor because the curtains are grey.

So evil

I think a good supervillain would be if someone had a ute or a truck, but they never helped their friends move house.

Peanut

I just wish someone could explain peanut allergies to me in a nutshell.

lacking a punchline

I walked through a door today and there was someone just a few steps behind me, so I thought, "I will be a good bloke and hold the door open for them as well," and so I did and then there was a person a few steps behind them, so I thought, "I'm here now, I might as well keep the door open for them, too," so I did and then there was this group of people that walked through the door so I thought, "I can't drop this door on a group of people (even though it would be funny)," so I held it open for them as well. I'm not saying that it was the worst three hours of my life, but it wasn't how I really wanted to spend my day.

Check the freezer

If robbers ever broke into my house and searched for money I'd just laugh and search with them.

I learned something today

RAS syndrome (Redundant Acronym Syndrome) refers to initialisms and acronyms where the last letter is also repeated in the description, such as ATM machine, PIN number, and RAS syndrome.

It's Friday!

For a great night out with your friends, you should head to the pub for a drink. Once everyone has satiated their thirst, leave the bar and walk twenty metres down the street, then stop to try to figure out what everyone wants to do next, then walk another twenty metres before stopping to discuss it again, then repeat three to six more times until everyone becomes annoyed and just goes home.

angry pants

You know how when you're eating a sandwich at work, and some dickhead at your office comes up to you and says, "Hey, having lunch?" And you just kind of nod at the guy and acknowledge your sandwich, but really you're trying to think of a way that you can kill him with a ham and cheese on linseed bread without losing the pickle? Yeah. I hate that.

puff

“Put that in your pipe and smoke it!” said the tobacco instruction writer.

back to school

The other day, I saw unsharpened pencils for sale. I thought, “There’s no point in that.”

i've got that "not so fresh" feeling

“I feel a little crook,” said the blind man when he met the midget shepherd.

A rose by many other names

If I have twins, I'm going to name them Charles. If I have one kid, I'm going to name him Charle. Like Charles, but singular.

Ten minutes to quarter past four

“I don’t have time for this,” said the unsuccessful clock maker.

How Can The World Be Real If Your Eyes Aren't Real?

Jaden Smith always looks like he’s trying to read a menu that’s too far away.

on the rocks

There’s always one ice-cube in the tray that doesn’t come out with the others. That’s God’s ice cube. Leave it for His scotch.

morning ritual

There’s nothing as satisfying as having a shower, cupping your hands together to catch the water and then dropping it against the tiled floor. Fuck it, of course there’s more satisfying things to do, but none of them you can do in the shower. Most of them you can do in the shower, actually. Never mind.

doors are hard

I tried to be nice and polite today so I held the door open for someone and allowed them to go through first but the door was one of those ones that opened away from me and I for some reason I used my left arm so I was reaching across the doorway trying to keep the door open as the person I was holding it for had to duck under my arm and try not to awkwardly rub up against my crotch but they still did anyway and it was the best day of my life.

makes sense to me

My mum has a collection of fine china. She doesn’t appreciate it when I call it “the Chinese in the cupboard.” I think she’s racist.

cowabunga

I've been trying to work on a joke about pizza, but it's really cheesey and the delivery is terrible.

how are these fucking things so fucking twisted?

I find it ironic that the inventor of Christmas lights hated Christmas so much that he wants everyone who purchases his product to hate it too.

snom snom something's wrong

Sometimes when I’m eating, I find that there's gravy or sauce or something halfway down my fork. How the fuck did that happen? Then all of a sudden, it’s on my hands, in my hair and on everything I’ve ever known.

jousting sticks

I bet when the medieval period finished, there was one guy who didn’t get told and still turned up to work in his suit of armour the next day.

My problem with clocks

Clocks are great, but I think more thought needed to go into the naming of its bits. Is the "second hand" the one that comes after the first hand, or is it the one that counts the seconds? Pisses me off, man. Fucking clocks.

I wish for world peace

I’m not going to say that the Miss Universe contest is rigged, but I will point out that the last 61 winners have been from Earth.

do u even lift?

I was going to go to the gym tonight, but my Facebook was down, so I just went home.

did you know...

Gary Oldman is in fact younger than Gary Numan.

Silly polar

The polar bear is by far the stupidest animal in the jungle.

Ooogie boogie boogie

Scientists believe that inside each person, there are enough bones to construct almost an entire human skeleton.

Lemon fresh

You know how when you're washing dishes in the kitchen sink, and then you lift a plate out of the water and it creates a little tsunami that gets the front of your shirt wet, and even though you know, "It's just a bit of water, no harm done," it really pisses you off and makes you feel a bit gross about the world? Yeah, I hate that.

Farm

I can't stand it when people have a cold and they try to say the word farm. "Farb. Farb." Just shut up and fuck off.

Nom nomowfuck

I think it's amazing how often I eat and don't end up biting down on my fork.

the water still beads

Whenever I'm washing my car and my neighbour pulls into his parking spot, there's a scientific certainty that I can predict the future, as soon as I see the big, dumb grin that spreads across his face and he tries to pretend it's not there. I know that he's excited. I know that he has been waiting for this moment. He takes the shopping out of his car and walks past me. I give him my best obligatory nod of greeting. He gets exactly three steps past me, and then he just cannot contain it any more. It comes out like a pent-up secret that he's been keeping for years. "You can do mine next!" "Go fuck yourself... Neighbour. Whatever the fuck your name is." And that, your Honour, is exactly how it happened.

Rubbish Man

I think a good super power would be that whenever you try to throw something in the bin, you always get it in so you don’t have to walk over to the bin and put it in there anyway. I could save seconds each day with this power.

Everybody. Yeah.

While I do appreciate the evolution of technology, sometimes I miss the old stuff and its nuances. Things like when you were on a bus with your discman listening to music, and the fucking thing just kept skipping and skipping and it took you a whole bus ride home to find out that Backstreet was actually back. Alright.

Hi, can I buy you a drink?

It's customary to pick up chicks in a nightclub by offering to buy her a drink. If they haven't finished their current drink, you should wait until it's completely finished before dumping the one you just bought into their glass. If you do not receive the attention you want from the drink recipient, be sure to request that they give the drink back so you can pass the unconsumed portion on to the next most attractive person at the bar.

I own a man bag. I am not ashamed

My man bag contains (at all times): - Steak - John McClane - Toolbox - Dinosaurs Now you can stop asking.

Be like the Fonz

When you're in a bar, it's really cool to wait until a song on the jukebox comes on about buying someone a drink before walking up to a person, giving them a drink and singing along with the words. Don't wait too long for that to happen though; there aren't really many songs like that.

I think he needed a bigger boat

Last year, I was walking along the beach and I heard a man in the water yelling, “Help, shark!” I looked out and sure enough, there was a shark swimming towards him. I couldn’t help but laugh – I had no idea how a shark was going to help him.

Just like every Friday night

Whenever I go out with my three sculpted, multi-racial best friends, I tell them that tonight's going to be a great night and then we clink our drinks together before the scene cuts to a slow-motion shot of us entering a nightclub full of attractive, well-dressed people who can dance and want to have sex with us.

Moist chocolate mudcake

I think if you're going to murder someone, you should bake them a cake beforehand. That way, when the police question you, you can say, "Why would I murder this person? I just made them a cake!" and they wouldn't suspect you of anything except deliciousness.

So many clothes, but nothing to wear

I think clothes were invented when a caveman saw a bear and thought, "I want to be in that."

I went shopping for a candleholder and came home with a cake

I can’t quite remember when it happened, but there’s a certain age in life when you have absolutely no idea where to look when you’re either singing, or being sung “Happy Birthday” to.

Mildly inconvenienced

I think a good super villain power to have would be to shoot someone with a ray that makes them get stuck in traffic, but only when they don’t actually have anywhere to be.

Dry lips

The next time I buy a chap stick, I’m just going to use it twice, then put it straight into the washing machine.  I figure that will save me from having to leave it in my pocket when I wash my jeans.

The race that stops a nation from thinking, "No, we're not all drunken bogans."

I think it's great that they put the Melbourne Cup and Stupid Hat Day on at the same time.

A need for pie

The other day I thought, "I am hungry and would like to eat a meat pie" because I was hungry and had a hankering to eat a meat pie so I put a meat pie in the microwave and cooked it and then I went to put tomato sauce on it because I like tomato sauce and pies together but when I squeezed the tomato sauce bottle all that came out was that disgusting watery quasi-sauce liquid that sits on top of the sauce in the bottle and went all over my pie and pretty much ruined it and it was the WORST DAY OF MY LIFE.

I have this mate...

I have this mate who always has me in stitches.  Good thing he's a doctor.

Business acumen

I am really superstitious, so if I owned a business, I would never employ people who were unlucky.  I’d throw away half of the job applications without reading them.

Geddit?

I told my girlfriend she'd drawn her eyebrows on too high.

She looked surprised.

That "not-so-fresh" feeling.

Whenever I see someone throwing up, I can’t help but blame them – from the look of it, they’ve just eaten a whole lot of vomit.

LivingOnTheEdgeMan

I just put a USB into my computer and took it out without following the “eject USB safely” instructions.  I am pretty sure that makes me a super villain, or a renegade vigilante super hero at the very least.

The Driver's Wave

Whenever I'm driving and other people on the road yell at me for making a turn without indicating, it makes me wonder why they would try to focus on a small, blinking orange light, rather than the two-tonne machine travelling at 60 km per hour that it is attached to.

Impervious to some terrains

I think a good super power would be to know when you’re about to get a rock stuck in your shoe.  That way I could avoid walking through quarries.  Not that I walk through a lot of them to start with, but it would be a good incentive not to take up quarry-walking.

When you get a rock stuck in your shoe, you go through a few phases.  The first is, "OW FUCK!" and the second is, "I can ignore the pain using meditation and breathing practices that I've never done but have seen on TV," and the third is, "Fuck it, this is really annoying; I'm just going to sit down and get it out."

Tip for Halloween #1

Don’t throw away that ghost costume from Halloween!  Try using it as a bed sheet.

Magilla

I always wondered why coconuts were called coconuts, as they aren't nuts and contain no cocoa. Then I realised that if they were called "Hairy Gorilla Balls," no one would drink cocktails out of them.

Classic Greg

I think a fairly good super power would be instantly knowing how much sleep someone had the night before just by looking at them. That way, I could be all “oh really?” to people at work who say they “literally only got about 2 hours sleep” when I know for sure that they had a good 7 hours. I mean, I’m not going to need a cape and a secret identity, but it would make me feel good to call them out on it.

Job Interview Man

I think a good super power to have would be that when are talking to someone and you notice that they have a single random hair growing out of their cheek, you are able to ignore it and concentrate on what they are saying.

Obligatory "you don't make friends with salad" reference here

I really like eating salad, but I’ve found that the biggest problem with it is that it always tastes like salad.

NRL 2013: The Grand Final (that no one cares about)

And here it is, ladies and gents - this is what the whole season boils down to: The Motherfucking Grand Final, bitches. I'm writing this on my phone, so I apologise for formatting and stupid fucking auto-correct that keeps changing whatever I type to the word "shirt." It''s really passing me off.

Unfortunately, it has boiled down to a contest between the Sydney Roosters and the Manly-Warringah Sea Eagles. Now, I'm not saying that these teams aren't worthy of being in the granny , all I'm inferring is that these teams maybe aren't the most popular teams in all the land, and interest in the biggest game of the season is possibly the lowest it has been since... well, since the last time they played each other. I mean,fuck, the only way people could give less of a shirt about it is if the Gold Coast Titans were playing Penrith.

It is, however, an apt end to the week, which began with the presentation of the Dally M medal to the player voted the best throughout the season. In the end, Cooper Cronk got his hairy, sweaty palms on the award, which once again brought the game into disrepute, especially considering that Todd Carney and Jonathan Thurston were tied for second place. Who the fuck is voting for this nonsense? Obviously Cronk, Carney and Thurston 's mum's have their fingers in some pies, because none of those idiots should have even been invited to the Dally M, let alone consider winning it.

Who should have won, I hear you ask? No one. They should have written this year off and pretended that it never happened. Or given the award to me.

THE GRAND FINAL WOO

To really show the game off, and reward the spectators and supporters for continuing to follow the game through thick and thin, drug allegations, assault charges, sexual misdemeanors, public drunkenness , DUIs, players quitting clubs, coaches being fired, Twitter abuse and interviews with Geoff Toovey, the NRL have their finger right on the pulse, and have organised Tricky Martin to perform at the Grand Final. Because nothing says "rugby league" like a gay, Spanish pop star singing his latest dance track that sounds like his previous eighty dance tracks that weren't successful.

I think it's time for the NRL and Channel 9 to stop giving each other reach-arounds in terms of providing "entertainment" for the toothless masses, and look a bit further than the plethora of shithouse talent shows on the network and maybe do a bit of market research to find someone a bit better suited to sing at the games and Footy Show extravaganzas. I'm just not sure that Mr R. Martin would poll too highly on the typical NRL fan's list of "dickheads I'd like to see at the Grand Final." Just get Barnesy and Farnsey every fucking year. Can't go wrong.

Roosters vs Fucking Manly

Well, you have to go for someone, right?

Look for Mitch Pearce to provide his usual display of awesomeness, and do absolutely nothing for the full 80 minutes.And that, dear readers, will be the highlight of the match. That, and seeing Brent Stewart cry.

No warranty offered

I hate ironing, so here’s a handy tip – simply take something small and heavy (I like bricks, personally), and threaten to beat someone’s head in with them unless they do your ironing for you. 

NRL 2013 Finals Week Three: Get Down the Local

It’s handy that there has been another drug allegation pointed at the NRL this week, so we can once again ignore that we’re a week away from the Grand Final and we can put 2013 to bed and nurse the sport back to full health following a Trainspotting cold-turkey rehab session.  But with peptides. 

What the fuck are peptides anyway?  Ah fuck it, don’t tell me; I don’t really care.   

Let’s just concentrate on the important things in the game, like how the fuck are Newcastle still playing?  Seriously, Jarrod Mullen missed his Year 10 formal because he thought that he’d be finished with football in September.  Turns out his best mate hooked up with his date at the after party.  Some best mate, amirite, Jarrod? 

Roosters vs Knights

Seriously though, congrats to Newcastle for their season this year.  It’s not often that a team so bereft of talent can go so far.  I guess this is what can happen when you have a team with very few dickheads in it.  I’m also going to open up a bottle of schnapps (because it’s been sitting in my cupboard forever and I don’t really drink it and this is as good a reason as any to get rid of it) and play the “Newcastle Knights vs Sydney City Roosters Finals Drinking Game”, which probably needs a better name.

• Every time the phrase “Hollywood ending” or “Disney script” or some such bullshit is uttered by the commentators, have a drink.
• Whenever the commentators mention the word “underdog”, have a drink.
• If Sonny Bill Williams is granted a God-like status by the commentators, have a drink.
• When Sonny Bill Williams uses a shoulder-charge but no one does anything about it because he’s SBW and can do anything he fucking well wants to, have a drink. No, have two.
• When Akuila Uate’s amazing strength is acknowledged, have a drink.
• If the commentators talk about the spirit that Wayne Bennett has brought to the Newcastle side, have a drink.  If they mention this towards the end of the game when the Knights are about 20 points down and still “trying their rings off”, have two drinks. 
• When the Willie Mason vs Sonny Bill Williams “showdown” is mentioned, have a drink.
• When Willie and Sonny don’t really do anything, have another drink. 
• When players you’ve never heard of at Newcastle handle the ball, have a drink.
• When the commentators mention how dominant the players you've never heard of have been this year, have a drink.
• When James Maloney kicks it out on the full by a long way, have a drink.
• When Mitchell Pearce misses a tackle or drops the ball, have a drink (have a medical professional standing by).
• When Shaun Kenny-Dowell ignores his unmarked winger to try and get through three defenders, have a drink.  If he does get through three defenders, change the channel. 
• If Daniel Mortimer gets on the field, you have successfully travelled back in time to 2009.  Have a drink.
• If you see Kurt Gidley at any stage, drink whatever you can until he goes away.

Regardless of how drunk anyone is, this one should be a paint-by-numbers game for the Roosters, and they can paint however they fucking want, cos they’re the Roosters and they have Sonny Bill, yeah? 

Nice season, Newcastle.  See you next year.

Rabbitohs vs Manly

 A special mention should go to Manly’s Steve Matai, who will be celebrating his second consecutive game without being suspended or pretending that he’s injured.  And congrats to Sea Eagles coach Geoff Toovey, who hasn’t done poos in his pants for a week.  Here’s a lolly-pop.

Taking my/everyone’s hatred for Manly out of the equation, I just can’t see them winning, except in a horrible nightmare.  Speaking of nightmares and shit, the other night, I had a dream that my friend got me a job at a casino, and all I had to do was pretend that I was playing blackjack at one table, but making sure that the dealer at another table wasn’t cheating.  It was very hard to do.

Crack out another bottle – Galliano, perchance?  Let’s rack up some shots (and a lighter, because what’s the point of drinking Galliano if you’re not going to light it on fire first?) and play the “Manly-Warringah Northern Sea Eagles vs South Sydney Rabbitohs Finals Drinking Game.” 

• Whenever the cameraman finds Mrs Burgess in the crowd, have a drink.
• If Russell Crowe appears on screen, have a drink.
• When Inglis is standing around doing fucking nothing at all, but the commentators mention how he’s “attracting two and three defenders”, have a drink.
• When Inglis’ knee is mentioned, have a drink.
• When Sam Burgess does something a bit underhanded (elbow, knee, eye-gouge, ball-grab, kneeing a tackled player in the spine), have two drinks. 
• When the commentators just start referring to the Burgess brothers as “Tom” and “George”, have a drink.
• Have another drink when Mrs Burgess gets another look in.
• When the commentators wax lyrically about the history of the South Sydney club, have a drink.
• When a toothless feral wearing Manly colours gets on TV, have a drink.  Have two drinks if they’re supporters.
• When the words “Jamie Lyon” and “State of Origin” are mentioned in the same breath, have a drink.
• If you think Jamie Lyon looks sweaty and out of breath from walking down the tunnel before the game, have a drink.
• When Steve Matai gets cited for a cheap shot, have a drink. 
• When Steve Matai gives away a stupid penalty on the fifth tackle, have a drink.
• When Steve Matai goes down injured, have a drink.  Actually, you’ll have time to have two or three by the time he gets back up.
• When Brett Stewart appeals for a penalty instead of going for the ball, have a drink.
• If you can remember Ian Roberts as a player instead of a gay icon, have a drink.  Ha.  Gay.
• If Manly win, have a few drinks – you’re going to need it to get through the next week.  

Thanks for coming, Manly.  Don't mind me if I do some twerking when you lose.  Or fuck it, I'll probably be so full of licorice-flavoured alcohol goo by the end of the game, all I'll be able to do is twerk.  And then hate you the next day.  Fuck you, Manly, you fucking fucks.

  

I'm sorry, but when this comes on the Footy Show, I lose my shit.  Every time.

"I'm flying, Jack!" "I'm drowning, Rose..."

The movie Titanic features the worst woman in the history of the world, ever.

Rose sees a news story about a multi-million dollar project that is looking to find a diamond, so she visits the team and bores them all shitless with the story about how she got fucked in a car, and manages to leave out the entire bit where she steals the diamond that they're all looking for.

Then she throws it back into the ocean and dies.  What a bitch.

You're a wonderful audience

I just flew in from Seattle, and boy, are my arms tired.  That packet of nuts was really hard to open.  Also, I was masturbating a lot.

This literally didn't happen to me

Can’t find a can opener?  Here's a simple solution:  just put your can and a large crab together and in just a few days, the crab might have opened that can for you.

Hydration is important

I’m always losing my phone, so I have started putting it into a glass of water.  That way, when I go to have a drink, hey presto!  There’s my phone.

NRL Finals Week Two: Amazingly accurate psychic predictions

WOW WHAT AN INCREDIBLE ROUND OF FINALS LAST WEEK, TH – stupid caps lock button keeps sticking – the only real upset being that North Queensland lost to Cronulla, but no one was really that upset about it.  Except North Queensland.  And no one cares what they think anyway.  So basically, it’s a win/win situation for everyone.  Except North Queensland.  So more of a win for us then.

The entire NRL week has been dominated by talk over the referee’s kerfuffle in the Nth QLD game in which they did not correctly count the number of tackles in a set by Cronulla, giving them an extra play in which they scored.  Johnny Thurston claimed that it was a conspiracy by the NRL to keep the game within New South Wales due to the Queensland Origin side winning the last eight years straight.  I think someone may have swapped Thursty’s XXXX-mid-strength with a full-alcohol beer. 

I had a grand plan to review every game of the NRL this year and make sure that no other team had been dudded or awarded an extra tackle, but then I realised that that was going to be a whole shit-tin of watching games I didn’t want to watch the first time around, and paying attention to them, so I didn’t.  I will say, however, that it probably happens more than anyone realises, and the NRL teams need to stop bitching and moaning about everything.   

FINALS WEEK TWO

Manly vs Sharks

Melbourne vs Knights

With only two games to tip this week, it gives me heaps more space to give my own personal political agenda a bit of air time.

.

.

.

.

.

I don’t really have much to say, to be perfectly Francis.

This round of finals should go according to plan – I don’t think that the Sharks or the Knights have the firepower to do a whole lot of damage to the finals series this year; I can see Cronulla putting a scare through Brookvale in front of the 19 angry Manly fans who bother turning up instead of just sitting around whinging at their TV, but they won’t win.  Manly to win in a shitty game 14-6.

Newcastle will get out to a 10-0 lead before Melbourne change gear and run out convincing 26-16 winners.

So.  There you go.

The Abbott Government is trying to keep me down.  

Also, I should stop swearing so maliciously.

But I won't.

Fucking fucks.

Can eat popcorn without fear

I think a good super power would be never getting things caught in between your teeth.  

NRL 2013 Finals: Week One – Let’s Begin Again

Well thank fuck the normal season is over and we can forget about most of 2013.  I know I have.

Let’s not faff about (because I’m busy) and get right into the hijinx.

FINALS WEEK ONE

Rabbitohs vs Storm

Way back in Round One, I tipped the Grand Final to be the Bunnies vs Storm.  I’m not entirely sure that’s still going to happen, but they’re playing each other this week, so I’m giving myself partial credit for getting it right.  I’m also giving myself a week off work and a massive pay rise, but that’s beside the point. 

The Rabbits were disappointing in their loss to the Roosters last week, and not disappointing like being fired from working at McDonalds because you’re too much of a dipshit, but disappointed that they’ve also banned you from entering another McDonalds for the rest of your life, and thanks to your actions, have also removed the Big Mac from their menu.  That’s how disappointing it was. 

That said, the Storm have been the epitome of disappointing over the last few weeks, losing to a whole bunch of spastics, and winning by the smallest piece of Billy Slater’s nutsack against other, less spasticated teams.  I think the wheels have come off the Storm-mobile (but that’s okay because they can just catch a tram instead), and in my expert opinion, they’ve got two more games to play before they can set fire to a midget (Billy Slater) for Mad Monday, and only one more day to wait until they can dress in drag and put on fashion shows for each other (Saturday).       

Sharks vs Cowboys

Seriously, both of these teams made it into the finals?  Are we sure?  Can we please get someone to double check this?  It just doesn’t seem possible. 

Fuck it, someone’s gotta win, and it probably won’t be the Sharks.  Sorry Sharkies.  But um, congrats on making it this far and stuff, and well done on getting a sponsor and having Beau Ryan on your team and that.  Oh, and for not having your entire team arrested for being on drugs, that’s pretty good too.

Well done to the Cowboys on making it another week into the finals.  I think you guys should be about as surprised as anyone that you’re still playing.  Yeah.  So… anyway.  Um… have a good one. 

Roosters vs Sea Eagles

OH MY GOD THIS GAME IS HARD TO PICK.  It’s not that they’re both playing great footy at all, with strong discipline and pure talent, it’s just that I really fucking hate them both.  The best-and-worst thing will be the Channel 9 lead-up to the game, which will forget that the Manly team exist (I do it every day, which is why I walk around with a boner all the time) and focus entirely on Sonny Bill Williams, the one-man wrecking machine, worth eight Burgesses and sixteen Inglises.  That would make him a thousand Slaters, and nearly seventy-eight million Barbas.  The amount of SBW cock that Channel 9 drooled over last week was fucking pathetic.  To have Joey Johns mention that it was “an honour to have been here to see him play” is just a bit hyperbolic for me, and I think it’s fair to say that I’m the greatest hyperbolist in the fucking history of everything.  It’s an honour to be mentioned by myself in this regard. 

The Footy Show story that aired last night on SBW’s home life was also the greatest wank I’ve witnessed since their story on Todd Carney a few years ago.  Shots of Sonny Bill holding a baby.  Shots of him holding two babies.  Shot of Gus Gould dry-humping his leg while he cooks a barbie with his entire family.  Shirtless SBW.  SBW at a charity day for kids with meningococcal – a charity that he has been involved with for over ten years, yet the first time that he thought about visiting the kids was when there was a Channel 9 camera man in the passenger seat.  Slo-mo shot of SBW with babies.  Black and white slo-mo shot of SBW without babies.  SBW running.  SBW not running.   

Fuck me, just make him the next Australian Bachelor and get it over with.  SPOILER:  he ends up with Phil Gould.

As for the footy, fuck it.  If it’s anyone vs Manly, I’m picking anyone.  Go you Chickens.

 Bulldogs vs Knights

Congratulations to both of these teams; it couldn’t have been easy to have two teams so bereft of talent win so many games to make it to the finals; it just brings a tear to my eye. 

To be perfectly Francis, I really haven’t been that interested in either of these teams, except that the Dogs’ best player, Ben Barba, has been trying to get out of playing for the Dogs since the beginning of the year, when he was revealed to have gambling issues, problems with alcohol, connections with an outlaw motorcycle club and a pending assault charge hanging over him. 

The Knights, meanwhile, have also been struggling as they look for their best player, and no one is putting their hand up for it (Gidley, you raise your arm one more time and I’m going to fucking cut it off).

The Knights have beaten Canterbury twice already this year.  Let’s make it an even 3.  What do you mean 3 isn’t even?  Don’t try and sell me your lies, charlatan!

GAME OF THE ROUND

Raiders vs No one

The biggest NRL news this week was the switcheroo back to Canberra for Parramatta coach Ricky Stuart.  Stuart was one year into a three-year deal with the Eels, and in that year, he forced a reshuffle of the management board, sacked around 15 first-grade players and cancelled “Funny Hat Day” at the office.  So Parramatta Eels fans were obviously pretty interested to see how we was going to rebuild the club over the next few years.  I mean, obviously he had an idea of what he was doing, right?  It’s not like he’d just, you know, destroy an entire club and then walk out, right?  If Parramatta had any fans left, they’d be furious right about now.

As a Canberra fan, I don’t like Sticky Tricky Dicky Flicky Stuart is the answer to us firing our coach.  We should probably look beyond our former playing roster to find a coaching staff as well – I’m not saying that I’d be super good at it, but I’d definitely enjoy being paid to watch a game and speak into a walkie-talkie from the coach’s box.  It looks warm in there too. 

Parra are now without a board, without a coach and without a major sponsor, and are probably in a bit of trouble to stay afloat for too much longer.  Parramatta need to stay in the NRL.  Without them, Canberra would probably come last.

It's not just me, is it?  Anthony Minichello is getting weirder looking as he gets older.

NRL 2013 Round 26: Dead Rubbers and Broken Dreams, and THANK FUCK IT'S OVER

Why does this round start on a Thursday?  It confuses me.  Is it because of the cricket going on in England?  Is it the election on Saturday?  Is it just to piss me off so I watch football on Thursday night so it feels like Friday night and then then next day is really uncomfortable because it feels like it should be Saturday, but it’s actually Friday and then there’s more Friday night football on and then I feel like I’ve had a quasi-Groundhog Day?

In any case…  WHAT A WEEK OF RUGBY LEAGUE.  Most of it was due to the fact that the AFL ballsed up a lot, by taking drugs and setting fire to dwarves as part of an end-of-year celebration, painting Australian athletes in a very pretty light. 

And then there’s Blake Ferguson, doing his best to ensure that league players are taken seriously.

James Maloney from the Roosters seems to be a bit of a dick too.  Ripping a player’s shoe off and piffing itinto the crowd is just fucking stupid.  I don’t give a shit about crowd safety, or even player safety – it’s just fucking stupid.  But then, NRL players should probably learn how to tie their shoelaces a bit better.  With double knots.

Round 26

Six teams have secured their spot in the top eight with four others left to battle it out for the two remaining spots.

Exciting, no?  Well, kind of, if you discount the fact that a lot of the games this weekend are basically dead rubbers, and going to be played for pride, to finish the season on a positive note, to try and impress a new sponsor, team or coach.  And the rest… well they’re just fucking around until they get a chance to lock a clown in a car and drive it off a cliff on Mad Monday.

The Dogs should win against the Broncos, but the result means dick all for both teams.  Canterbury will be in the finals, Brisbane won’t.  TEARS FOR BRISBANE (but not really). 

I’m tipping the Bunnies to beat the Roosters and take out the minor premiership.  I don’t rate the Chooks this year – they have been able to destroy bottom eight teams, but when they’re up against good opposition, they are revealed for what they really are:  a bit shit.  In true Sonny Bill Williams form, he’s still deciding whether to play or not, or if he’s just a bit scared of playing someone good. 

Warriors need to beat the Dragons, which they should, but then they also need a couple of results to go their way to avoid being knocked out of the finals.  There’s not a whole lot else to say about this game, other than both teams were a bit shit.  Especially St George.

If the Storm don’t beat the Titans, I’m going to kick someone in the dick, and without giving it away, it will be Billy Slater.  Those fucking fucks keep losing, and it’s kind of annoying me because I want them to play in the grand final.  And then lose. 

Cowbs to knock over the Tigers, who must be pretty happy that their season is finally fucking over.  Although the way they’ve been playing this year, they looked like they were over it by round 4.

Manly should win in a useless match against Penrith, which won’t stop Geoff Toovey from having a good complain about the game, the refs, the opposition, the crowd, the advertising signage, Tom Waterhouse, how shit Underbelly is, black jelly beans, Ashton Kutcher and battered savs.  Penrith should take the field after drinking a lot of beer and just go to town on the Eagles.  Fuck it, it hasn’t been a great year for the Panthers, and next year’s recruits probably aren’t going to bring a lot more to the table.

The Knights will beat the Eels.  Congratulations, Knights.  You’ve done what everyone can do.  The difference is that you will do it with a Gidley.      

Broncos vs Bulldogs

Rabbitohs vs Roosters

Dragons vs Warriors

Storm vs Titans

Cowboys vs Tigers

Sea Eagles vs Panthers

Knights vs Eels

Game of the Round

Raiders vs Sharks

I would probably forfeit this game if I was a Raiders player.  Maybe that’s why I’m not a Raiders player?  Probably.  Cronulla have basically had the same thought, and are resting their entire playing roster.  Todd Carney’s not even going to play.  There is absolutely no reason to attend this match.

Canberra can’t find half of their team, the Sharks aren’t even going to bother taking most of theirs, so this game should just be abandoned and Bruce Stadium should be filled with kittens instead.  At least it’ll be more entertaining for the Raiders faithful.  

MEBCAM 2013 - A True Canberran Legend

In days of yore during Canberra’s youth

A hero was born who fought for truth

The outlaw man from the Charny Wood,

He went by the name of Robbo Hood.

Robbo would take from the rich to give to the poor

To buy himself a new Commodore.

He'd laugh and smoke and have a drink

All on his ten weekly cheques from Centrelink.

He worked himself hard to stay on the dole

Keep unemployed, that was his goal.

His front yard had three cars all up on blocks

And if he had’ve went to school, it’d be the one of Hard Knocks.

One afternoon (and eighty bucks) down at Charny Labes,

Robbo made an adversary; people still talk of him today.

A member of the constabulary, one Sherif Nottingham

Hit our hero where it hurt, right in the SS sedan.

Robbo loved that car more than his life

More than he loved his first, third and current/pending ex-wife.

He bought it from a bloke from the Griffith flats

And he takes it every year to the Summernats.

It had a bumper sticker saying “My other car’s a Commodore”

And his other car was; that’s what he bought the sticker for.

The engine was noisy and the muffler so fucked

You couldn't tell if the tape deck was playing ‘Dirty Deeds’ or ‘Thunderstruck’.

Robbo’s feud with the law began on the day

That he decided to put on a burnout display

When his interest in the cricket match on telly had waned

As soon as the fielding restrictions took place.

So onto the streets Robbo did go

With his band of merry men following in tow;

There was Little Johnno, Billy S, and Mr Brian Tuck

Not to mention the Maiden Mazza, who Robbo wanted to fuck.

With his old Jim Beam singlet, faded tatts, mullet and rat’s tail

He looked like a Greek god, an Adonis, or a guy escaped from jail.

And who would have thought just a month after this

They’d be married, pregnant, and living with her mum and his kids?

But back to the story of Robbo Hood that’s at hand

That spread through Canberran folklore, from Amaroo to Banks

The tale of one man’s stand against law

You want Robbo to win, but you’re not sure why for.

Robbo’s hooned-up Commodore started circling in smoke

Covering the streets of Charny in a hazy, blue-grey cloak

And soon the siren sound of Constable Nottingham’s car

Could be heard above the squeal of Robbo’s burning rubber.

Nottingham stepped out and approached the tinted window,

“Sir, would you kindly turn down your radio crescendo?”

Robbo seethed as his shaking hands turned down the volume knob

Before turning his attention back to this fun-policing cop.

“Sir, you are drunk & driving with miscreant intention.

I also don’t think this is a legally modified engine.

Your doughnut burnout marks are plain for all to see,

And I know for a fact that you lost your license last week.”

And with that speech, Nottingham handed a list of violations

That Robbo had racked up on just this single occasion.

At this point, Robbo wished that his teeth had aligned

As he would have enjoyed having something to grind.

“That’s unfair!”  Mazza screeched, while slugging cans of Jim Beam.

“Bloody oath,” they all chimed in; consensus agreed.

“Wasn’t hurtin anyone,” Robbo said, and threw the ticket out.

“That fuckin cop doesn’t know what he’s talking about.”

From that point on, it always seemed to be

When Robbo’s men were having fun illegally,

Nottingham was there to get in the way

Issuing tickets to spoil the day.

Like when Robbo went to watch the Canberra Raiders

As well as the time he saw the Brumbies v Crusaders.

Robbo was too pissed to walk through the gate

So trying to climb the fence was his initial mistake.

“Iss not fair I can’t afford to get into the game!”

Robbo slurred to Nottingham has he tried to explain.

“Spent all me moneys at the Tavs and the Inns.

And the Labes and the RSL and the pub.  Oh, and Sinnies.”

“Get out of here, Robbo,” Nottingham decreed,

Ignoring the fact that Rob was also carrying weed.

Although not illegal in Australia’s capital,

The ‘decriminalised’ defence is far from infallible.

“I’ll get you fuckin coppers,” Robbo Hood swore his oath.

And he tried all the time, but he never got close.

Robbo continued to try and recover his pride.

“Come on now Rob, just pay your fine.”

And that is the story of how Canberra’s legend began

A battle for the ages, of sticking it to the man.

So to the Robbo’s of Charnwood, Ainslie and Kaleen

My hat’s off to you for MEBCAM 2013.