Friday, April 04, 2014

NRL Round 5: It just doesn’t make any sense


I don't know if "Good tipping" means the same in English as it does in whatever language this is written in.

So it’s fucking nonsense on stilts time in the NRL, is it?  Fine.  I can stilt-walk with the motherfucking most nonsensical of them all.  Let’s roll, bitches.

Round 5:

Why the fuck do fucking Brisbane get so many fucking Friday fucking night games?  Those fucks.  Just once, Channel 9, I’d like to enjoy my Friday night football without some fucking dickwit from Brissy fucking it up with his brazen ugliness.  Fucking fuck.

I’ve got a sneaking suspicion that the Dogs will roll the Rooters, who I still refuse to rate as a decent football team – their halves are the shittest thing ever.  Like, shitter than when you press too firmly onto your bread when you’re spreading butter, and it rips the bastard asunder, and your sandwich is fucked from then on in.  Mitch Pearce is the worst player ever, which is an achievement in itself when you think about the other people in his like Shaun Kenny-Dowell and James Maloney, who probably needs to stop thinking about the time he got caught having a wank and became a Footy Show legend, and practice kicking the fucking ball.  Stupid dickhead Roosters.  Despite all that, I’m tipping them.  My unique plan last week to tip the winners didn’t work, so I'm mixing it up this time.

Everyone else had better turn up – I’m looking at you, Souths, Melbourne and Cowboys. 

The only game of any interest is whether Cronulla can get off their duck for the season with a win over the Warriors.  If there’s a team who can pull off a complete turn-around in form in one week, it’s our cousins from over the creek.  I am so glad I’m not a Warriors fan sometimes (most times) – at least supporting the Raiders you usually know what you’re going to get from them (consistent inconsistency) which is more consistent than being so inconsistently consistent like the Warriors.  They’d better win though, or I’ll make Lote Tuquiri play for them.  I have a funny feeling the Bunnies will no longer be requiring his services.  Hanging onto him would be like being cured of the Ebola virus, then thinking, “Actually, the intolerable pain, gaping gangrenous wounds and imminent death were kind of fun.  I’d like that again please!” and then drinking a mosquito and maggot milkshake (or however you get the Ebola virus.  I don’t know, I’m not a scientician, I just like milkshakes).  

Sydney Roosters vs Canterbury Bulldogs
Brisbane Broncos vs Parramatta Eels
Cronulla Sharks vs New Zealand Warriors
St George Illawarra Dragons vs South Sydney Rabbitohs
Melbourne Storm vs Gold Coast Titans
Wests Tigers vs Manly Sea Eagles
Nth Queensland Cowboys vs Newcastle Knights

Game of the Round

Penrith Panthers vs Canberra Raiders

I hope no one is lactose intolerant in this game, as it’s a battle of dairy: the OAK Panthers vs the Canberra Lime Milk Raiders.  I would also hope that if you were lactose intolerant, you wouldn’t chug a litre of milk before running out to spend the next 80 minutes being smashed around by thirteen dickheads on a field.  It would get messy and I doubt you’d make many friends.

The Raiders hit their straps last week by crushing heavyweights South Sydney without even breaking a sweat, while the Panthers lost to some fucking idiots.  I can’t even remember who they played, that’s how good that game was.  But they lost. 

There’s absolutely no reason why either of these teams should win – it’s one of those games where one of them is going to win by at least 30 points, and it could quite easily be either team.  If it’s not, it will probably be Penrith.  Stay in school, kids.

It's funny that Todd Carney needs to announce when he doesn't get "in no fights"

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