Friday, March 28, 2014

NRL 2014 Round 4: McWarning

Round three saw a handful of upsets and a couple of statements of “are you fucking serious?” about the rest of the scorelines.  The Bunnies were brought down to earth by the Tigers, the Raiders made sure they didn’t get too carried away by their round two victory by losing their game against the Titans, and Manly beat motherfucking Parramatta after the motherfucking siren.  Four seconds previously, the Eels were winning.  THINK ABOUT THAT.  There are teenagers alive today who have never known the Eels to be ahead in any sense of the word.

The big news of the week was the story of Knights player Alex McKinnon, who was taken in an awkward tackle by Melbourne player Jordan McLean, and subsequently placed in an induced coma following the revelation that he’s broken his neck.  There’s no joke in this paragraph, I’m just recapping the week’s main story.  I think we can safely assume that McKinnon’s career has come to an abrupt halt, and I’m going out on a limb to say that McLean may not want to come back to play again either; it’s not every day that you break a man’s neck in a tackle.  Especially one that two other boofy blokes were involved in, and while it wasn’t the world’s best tackle, it certainly wasn’t the worst I’ve seen either, and probably didn’t deserve to end two careers.  Bad week for people with a Mc in their surname, huh?  My Scottish cousin Mishter Evil McBreakfasht is in some shit though.

Enough of that though, let’s tip some games.

Round 4

Honestly, after three rounds you’d expect to have some kind of idea about what’s going on this season, wouldn’t you?  Not this year, fuck no.  The teams that are rubbish are beating the teams that are good, the teams that are good aren’t actually good, the shit ones are, and the others are undecided, except for a few who are shit, have been shit and will always be shit.  And then there’s fucking Manly.  It’s all fucked, and it’s starting to hurt my brain.

Roosters v Manly is a dead-set nut scratcher, and you have to work out why God would allow such a thing to happen.  A team with Mitchell Pearce in it should never win, especially when he links up with Shaun Kenny-Dowell and Sonny Bill Williams.  But when they play the Sea Eagles, there’s really nothing else you can do but curl up in a ball and rock yourself to sleep.

Somehow the Dragons have managed to scrape three wins together so far this year, with the Broncs dropping just one game, despite being the team that has officially raised my eyebrows the most this season.  I can’t argue with my eyebrow surprise, so they’re getting my pick to disrupt the Dragons’ run.  Also, Josh Dugan is threatening to return this weekend, so that will force a reshuffle for the Saints’ backline when he leaves the field with an injury after fifteen minutes.

Battle of the Fuck Knows? goes to the battle between the Tigers and the Warriors this week.  Actually, that will be the Battle of the Fucks Knows and Fuck Cares.  Not me.  But the Tigers, simply because I have to tip someone.

Despite the Eels’ performance last weekend (they still didn’t win), I don’t think they have it in them to knock off the Penny Panthers, who I reckon will be dark horses (not literally, you dickheads) to sneak into the top four.

The Doggies are hosting the Storm in Perth, which which will suit the Storm, as they’re used to playing in half-empty stadiums where the spectators don’t understand the game they’re watching.  If Cooper Cronk can get his mind off the news that Chris Martin and Gwyneth Paltrow have split up, and what this means for Coldplay and Gwynny’s blog, they should go a long way to winning this one.

The Knights vs the Sharks game is threatening to be pretty exciting as well, as these two teams of extraordinary athletes go head to head in what will surely be a highlight reel extravaganza of… I can’t do it.  This game will be fucked, and is an unofficial challenge to work out just who is the shittest team in the NRL right now.  I’m going for the Sharkies, even though the Knights team will be “doing it for Alex.”  Sometimes just because you really want to win, it doesn’t mean that you will.  Otherwise I would have won Lotto heaps and Natalie Portman and Emma Stone would be popping over for a coffee in the morning.

Finally, we’ve got the Titans and the Cowboys; one of whom scored an upset victory, and the other was upset last week.  I was also upset – not only did both of these dickhead teams ruin my tips, but I also ripped a hole in the bottom off my shoe, and then my foot got wet and I had to spend the whole day with a cold, wet sock.  It was fucked, man. 

Roosters vs. Sea Eagles
Dragons vs. Broncos
Warriors vs. Tigers
Eels vs. Panthers
Bulldogs vs. Storm
Knights vs. Sharks
Titans vs. Cowboys

Game of the Round

Rabbitohs vs. Raiders

Both of these teams lost last week to teams that they would normally have on a crumpet, but they got done because they’re dickheads.  They also managed to injure a few key players, just for good measure.  The Bunnies did manage to get George Burgess off a shitty tackle charge (somehow – I’m not suggesting anything, but I have it on good advice that Mrs Burgess may have performed some sexual acts on several members of the judiciary), so they’ve got that going for them. 

Fuck it, the entire Rabbitohs team could be ruled out, and Russell Crowe had to play each position, and the Raiders still wouldn’t fucking win.  But I still love them.  Why is it always the pretty ones?

No comments: