Let’s not faff about (because I’m
busy) and get right into the hijinx.
FINALS WEEK ONE
Rabbitohs vs Storm
Way back in Round One, I tipped
the Grand Final to be the Bunnies vs Storm.
I’m not entirely sure that’s still going to happen, but they’re playing
each other this week, so I’m giving myself partial credit for getting it
right. I’m also giving myself a week off
work and a massive pay rise, but that’s beside the point.
The Rabbits were disappointing in
their loss to the Roosters last week, and not disappointing like being fired
from working at McDonalds because you’re too much of a dipshit, but
disappointed that they’ve also banned you from entering another McDonalds for
the rest of your life, and thanks to your actions, have also removed the Big
Mac from their menu. That’s how
disappointing it was.
That said, the Storm have been
the epitome of disappointing over the last few weeks, losing to a whole bunch
of spastics, and winning by the smallest piece of Billy Slater’s nutsack
against other, less spasticated teams. I
think the wheels have come off the Storm-mobile (but that’s okay because they
can just catch a tram instead), and in my expert opinion, they’ve got two more
games to play before they can set fire to a midget (Billy Slater) for Mad
Monday, and only one more day to wait until they can dress in drag and put on
fashion shows for each other (Saturday).
Sharks vs Cowboys
Seriously, both of these teams
made it into the finals? Are we
sure? Can we please get someone to
double check this? It just doesn’t seem
possible.
Fuck it, someone’s gotta win, and
it probably won’t be the Sharks. Sorry
Sharkies. But um, congrats on making it
this far and stuff, and well done on getting a sponsor and having Beau Ryan on
your team and that. Oh, and for not
having your entire team arrested for being on drugs, that’s pretty good too.
Well done to the Cowboys on
making it another week into the finals.
I think you guys should be about as surprised as anyone that you’re
still playing. Yeah. So… anyway.
Um… have a good one.
Roosters vs Sea Eagles
OH MY GOD THIS GAME IS HARD TO
PICK. It’s not that they’re both playing
great footy at all, with strong discipline and pure talent, it’s just that I
really fucking hate them both. The
best-and-worst thing will be the Channel 9 lead-up to the game, which will
forget that the Manly team exist (I do it every day, which is why I walk around
with a boner all the time) and focus entirely on Sonny Bill Williams, the
one-man wrecking machine, worth eight Burgesses and sixteen Inglises. That would make him a thousand Slaters, and
nearly seventy-eight million Barbas. The
amount of SBW cock that Channel 9 drooled over last week was fucking
pathetic. To have Joey Johns mention
that it was “an honour to have been here to see him play” is just a bit
hyperbolic for me, and I think it’s fair to say that I’m the greatest
hyperbolist in the fucking history of everything. It’s an honour to be mentioned by myself in
this regard.
The Footy Show story that aired
last night on SBW’s home life was also the greatest wank I’ve witnessed since
their story on Todd Carney a few years ago.
Shots of Sonny Bill holding a baby.
Shots of him holding two babies.
Shot of Gus Gould dry-humping his leg while he cooks a barbie with his
entire family. Shirtless SBW. SBW at a charity day for kids with
meningococcal – a charity that he has been involved with for over ten years,
yet the first time that he thought about visiting the kids was when there was a
Channel 9 camera man in the passenger seat.
Slo-mo shot of SBW with babies.
Black and white slo-mo shot of SBW without babies. SBW running.
SBW not running.
Fuck me, just make him the next
Australian Bachelor and get it over with.
SPOILER: he ends up with Phil
Gould.
As for the footy, fuck it. If it’s anyone vs Manly, I’m picking
anyone. Go you Chickens.
Bulldogs vs Knights
Congratulations to both of these
teams; it couldn’t have been easy to have two teams so bereft of talent win so
many games to make it to the finals; it just brings a tear to my eye.
To be perfectly Francis, I really
haven’t been that interested in either of these teams, except that the Dogs’
best player, Ben Barba, has been trying to get out of playing for the Dogs
since the beginning of the year, when he was revealed to have gambling issues,
problems with alcohol, connections with an outlaw motorcycle club and a pending
assault charge hanging over him.
The Knights, meanwhile, have also
been struggling as they look for their best player, and no one is putting their
hand up for it (Gidley, you raise your arm one more time and I’m going to
fucking cut it off).
The Knights have beaten Canterbury
twice already this year. Let’s make it
an even 3. What do you mean 3 isn’t
even? Don’t try and sell me your lies,
charlatan!
GAME OF THE ROUND
Raiders vs No one
The biggest NRL news this week
was the switcheroo back to Canberra for Parramatta coach Ricky Stuart. Stuart was one year into a three-year deal
with the Eels, and in that year, he forced a reshuffle of the management board,
sacked around 15 first-grade players and cancelled “Funny Hat Day” at the
office. So Parramatta Eels fans were
obviously pretty interested to see how we was going to rebuild the club over
the next few years. I mean, obviously he
had an idea of what he was doing, right?
It’s not like he’d just, you know, destroy an entire club and then walk
out, right? If Parramatta had any fans
left, they’d be furious right about now.
As a Canberra fan, I don’t like
Sticky Tricky Dicky Flicky Stuart is the answer to us firing our coach. We should probably look beyond our former
playing roster to find a coaching staff as well – I’m not saying that I’d be
super good at it, but I’d definitely enjoy being paid to watch a game and speak
into a walkie-talkie from the coach’s box.
It looks warm in there too.
Parra are now without a board,
without a coach and without a major sponsor, and are probably in a bit of
trouble to stay afloat for too much longer.
Parramatta need to stay in the NRL.
Without them, Canberra would probably come last.
It's not just me, is it? Anthony Minichello is getting weirder looking as he gets older.
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