Let’s not faff about (because I’m busy) and get right into the hijinx.
FINALS WEEK ONE
Rabbitohs vs Storm
Way back in Round One, I tipped the Grand Final to be the Bunnies vs Storm. I’m not entirely sure that’s still going to happen, but they’re playing each other this week, so I’m giving myself partial credit for getting it right. I’m also giving myself a week off work and a massive pay rise, but that’s beside the point.
The Rabbits were disappointing in their loss to the Roosters last week, and not disappointing like being fired from working at McDonalds because you’re too much of a dipshit, but disappointed that they’ve also banned you from entering another McDonalds for the rest of your life, and thanks to your actions, have also removed the Big Mac from their menu. That’s how disappointing it was.
That said, the Storm have been the epitome of disappointing over the last few weeks, losing to a whole bunch of spastics, and winning by the smallest piece of Billy Slater’s nutsack against other, less spasticated teams. I think the wheels have come off the Storm-mobile (but that’s okay because they can just catch a tram instead), and in my expert opinion, they’ve got two more games to play before they can set fire to a midget (Billy Slater) for Mad Monday, and only one more day to wait until they can dress in drag and put on fashion shows for each other (Saturday).
Sharks vs Cowboys
Seriously, both of these teams made it into the finals? Are we sure? Can we please get someone to double check this? It just doesn’t seem possible.
Fuck it, someone’s gotta win, and it probably won’t be the Sharks. Sorry Sharkies. But um, congrats on making it this far and stuff, and well done on getting a sponsor and having Beau Ryan on your team and that. Oh, and for not having your entire team arrested for being on drugs, that’s pretty good too.
Well done to the Cowboys on making it another week into the finals. I think you guys should be about as surprised as anyone that you’re still playing. Yeah. So… anyway. Um… have a good one.
Roosters vs Sea Eagles
OH MY GOD THIS GAME IS HARD TO PICK. It’s not that they’re both playing great footy at all, with strong discipline and pure talent, it’s just that I really fucking hate them both. The best-and-worst thing will be the Channel 9 lead-up to the game, which will forget that the Manly team exist (I do it every day, which is why I walk around with a boner all the time) and focus entirely on Sonny Bill Williams, the one-man wrecking machine, worth eight Burgesses and sixteen Inglises. That would make him a thousand Slaters, and nearly seventy-eight million Barbas. The amount of SBW cock that Channel 9 drooled over last week was fucking pathetic. To have Joey Johns mention that it was “an honour to have been here to see him play” is just a bit hyperbolic for me, and I think it’s fair to say that I’m the greatest hyperbolist in the fucking history of everything. It’s an honour to be mentioned by myself in this regard.
The Footy Show story that aired last night on SBW’s home life was also the greatest wank I’ve witnessed since their story on Todd Carney a few years ago. Shots of Sonny Bill holding a baby. Shots of him holding two babies. Shot of Gus Gould dry-humping his leg while he cooks a barbie with his entire family. Shirtless SBW. SBW at a charity day for kids with meningococcal – a charity that he has been involved with for over ten years, yet the first time that he thought about visiting the kids was when there was a Channel 9 camera man in the passenger seat. Slo-mo shot of SBW with babies. Black and white slo-mo shot of SBW without babies. SBW running. SBW not running.
Fuck me, just make him the next Australian Bachelor and get it over with. SPOILER: he ends up with Phil Gould.
As for the footy, fuck it. If it’s anyone vs Manly, I’m picking anyone. Go you Chickens.
Bulldogs vs Knights
Congratulations to both of these teams; it couldn’t have been easy to have two teams so bereft of talent win so many games to make it to the finals; it just brings a tear to my eye.
To be perfectly Francis, I really haven’t been that interested in either of these teams, except that the Dogs’ best player, Ben Barba, has been trying to get out of playing for the Dogs since the beginning of the year, when he was revealed to have gambling issues, problems with alcohol, connections with an outlaw motorcycle club and a pending assault charge hanging over him.
The Knights, meanwhile, have also been struggling as they look for their best player, and no one is putting their hand up for it (Gidley, you raise your arm one more time and I’m going to fucking cut it off).
The Knights have beaten Canterbury twice already this year. Let’s make it an even 3. What do you mean 3 isn’t even? Don’t try and sell me your lies, charlatan!
GAME OF THE ROUND
Raiders vs No one
The biggest NRL news this week was the switcheroo back to Canberra for Parramatta coach Ricky Stuart. Stuart was one year into a three-year deal with the Eels, and in that year, he forced a reshuffle of the management board, sacked around 15 first-grade players and cancelled “Funny Hat Day” at the office. So Parramatta Eels fans were obviously pretty interested to see how we was going to rebuild the club over the next few years. I mean, obviously he had an idea of what he was doing, right? It’s not like he’d just, you know, destroy an entire club and then walk out, right? If Parramatta had any fans left, they’d be furious right about now.
As a Canberra fan, I don’t like Sticky Tricky Dicky Flicky Stuart is the answer to us firing our coach. We should probably look beyond our former playing roster to find a coaching staff as well – I’m not saying that I’d be super good at it, but I’d definitely enjoy being paid to watch a game and speak into a walkie-talkie from the coach’s box. It looks warm in there too.
Parra are now without a board, without a coach and without a major sponsor, and are probably in a bit of trouble to stay afloat for too much longer. Parramatta need to stay in the NRL. Without them, Canberra would probably come last.
It's not just me, is it? Anthony Minichello is getting weirder looking as he gets older.