What the fuck are peptides anyway? Ah fuck it, don’t tell me; I don’t really care.
Let’s just concentrate on the important things in the game, like how the fuck are Newcastle still playing? Seriously, Jarrod Mullen missed his Year 10 formal because he thought that he’d be finished with football in September. Turns out his best mate hooked up with his date at the after party. Some best mate, amirite, Jarrod?
Roosters vs Knights
Seriously though, congrats to Newcastle for their season this year. It’s not often that a team so bereft of talent can go so far. I guess this is what can happen when you have a team with very few dickheads in it. I’m also going to open up a bottle of schnapps (because it’s been sitting in my cupboard forever and I don’t really drink it and this is as good a reason as any to get rid of it) and play the “Newcastle Knights vs Sydney City Roosters Finals Drinking Game”, which probably needs a better name.
- Every time the phrase “Hollywood ending” or “Disney script” or some such bullshit is uttered by the commentators, have a drink.
- Whenever the commentators mention the word “underdog”, have a drink.
- If Sonny Bill Williams is granted a God-like status by the commentators, have a drink.
- When Sonny Bill Williams uses a shoulder-charge but no one does anything about it because he’s SBW and can do anything he fucking well wants to, have a drink. No, have two.
- When Akuila Uate’s amazing strength is acknowledged, have a drink.
- If the commentators talk about the spirit that Wayne Bennett has brought to the Newcastle side, have a drink. If they mention this towards the end of the game when the Knights are about 20 points down and still “trying their rings off”, have two drinks.
- When the Willie Mason vs Sonny Bill Williams “showdown” is mentioned, have a drink.
- When Willie and Sonny don’t really do anything, have another drink.
- When players you’ve never heard of at Newcastle handle the ball, have a drink.
- When the commentators mention how dominant the players you've never heard of have been this year, have a drink.
- When James Maloney kicks it out on the full by a long way, have a drink.
- When Mitchell Pearce misses a tackle or drops the ball, have a drink (have a medical professional standing by).
- When Shaun Kenny-Dowell ignores his unmarked winger to try and get through three defenders, have a drink. If he does get through three defenders, change the channel.
- If Daniel Mortimer gets on the field, you have successfully travelled back in time to 2009. Have a drink.
- If you see Kurt Gidley at any stage, drink whatever you can until he goes away.
Regardless of how drunk anyone is, this one should be a paint-by-numbers game for the Roosters, and they can paint however they fucking want, cos they’re the Roosters and they have Sonny Bill, yeah?
Nice season, Newcastle. See you next year.
Rabbitohs vs Manly
A special mention should go to Manly’s Steve Matai, who will be celebrating his second consecutive game without being suspended or pretending that he’s injured. And congrats to Sea Eagles coach Geoff Toovey, who hasn’t done poos in his pants for a week. Here’s a lolly-pop.
Taking my/everyone’s hatred for Manly out of the equation, I just can’t see them winning, except in a horrible nightmare. Speaking of nightmares and shit, the other night, I had a dream that my friend got me a job at a casino, and all I had to do was pretend that I was playing blackjack at one table, but making sure that the dealer at another table wasn’t cheating. It was very hard to do.
Crack out another bottle – Galliano, perchance? Let’s rack up some shots (and a lighter, because what’s the point of drinking Galliano if you’re not going to light it on fire first?) and play the “Manly-Warringah Northern Sea Eagles vs South Sydney Rabbitohs Finals Drinking Game.”
- Whenever the cameraman finds Mrs Burgess in the crowd, have a drink.
- If Russell Crowe appears on screen, have a drink.
- When Inglis is standing around doing fucking nothing at all, but the commentators mention how he’s “attracting two and three defenders”, have a drink.
- When Inglis’ knee is mentioned, have a drink.
- When Sam Burgess does something a bit underhanded (elbow, knee, eye-gouge, ball-grab, kneeing a tackled player in the spine), have two drinks.
- When the commentators just start referring to the Burgess brothers as “Tom” and “George”, have a drink.
- Have another drink when Mrs Burgess gets another look in.
- When the commentators wax lyrically about the history of the South Sydney club, have a drink.
- When a toothless feral wearing Manly colours gets on TV, have a drink. Have two drinks if they’re supporters.
- When the words “Jamie Lyon” and “State of Origin” are mentioned in the same breath, have a drink.
- If you think Jamie Lyon looks sweaty and out of breath from walking down the tunnel before the game, have a drink.
- When Steve Matai gets cited for a cheap shot, have a drink.
- When Steve Matai gives away a stupid penalty on the fifth tackle, have a drink.
- When Steve Matai goes down injured, have a drink. Actually, you’ll have time to have two or three by the time he gets back up.
- When Brett Stewart appeals for a penalty instead of going for the ball, have a drink.
- If you can remember Ian Roberts as a player instead of a gay icon, have a drink. Ha. Gay.
- If Manly win, have a few drinks – you’re going to need it to get through the next week.
I'm sorry, but when this comes on the Footy Show, I lose my shit. Every time.