Wednesday, April 29, 2009

Welcome to my bedroom

Every so often, I find myself going through bouts of insomnia. Normally I just let it ride and wander through life in a half-daze (not too many people notice the difference) until whatever chemicals are in my body (alcohol) work their magic and life resumes as normal. I am in such a bout at the moment, and it's been going on for about 5 months now. That's almost half a year, in case your maths isn't quite up to scratch. If I make it to the full 6 months, I am totally baking a cake and buying some flowers. If I get to a year (without killing myself or someone else), I will take myself out for a fancy meal and (maybe) slip an engagement ring into my own champagne. But I'm getting ahead of myself; I don't want to jinx it!!!!11

Seriously though, I sought out some advice recently as to why I might be lying awake all fucking night. My friend (ok, so it was some random person posting on an online forum) said that I should analyse my sleeping problems more closely. Foolishly, I decided to do this at 3am rather than in the afternoon. I concluded that I am awake at 3am because I am analysing the reasons why I am awake at 3am. I decided to quit analysing for the night, assuming that if I just slept on it, things would make more sense in the morning. Of course, I couldn't get to sleep and my problems went unsolved.

One night I tried watching a documentary about insomnia because it is supposed to be good for helping people sleep; unfortunately the volume was too loud and it kept me up.

It makes sense to say that if you do something for long enough, you'll become good at it (Ricky Ponting is the exception rather than the rule). However, after 29 years of trying to sleep, I'm still struggling. Normally I just give up on things if I'm no good at them, but sleep is one of those things that I'm going to knuckle out and do properly. I mean, there are still some issues that haunt me; for example, I still don't know whether I prefer to have two pillows or one. Sometimes I don't have any. I am also still not sure about where I should put my arms while I'm asleep. Do I lie on them? Do I place them out in front of me? I have no idea. Lying on your arms can be fun when you realise you've cut off the circulation and you can't move them, and all day long you feel really weird and mushy.

There's also a theory that goes along the lines of "the best way to fall asleep is to actually try and keep yourself awake." I'm up for anything, so the other night I decided to try it. I did whatever it took to stay awake - I put on some music, ordered a pizza and invited some friends over. I didn't sleep.

Apparently there is no better way of falling asleep than in the arms of a beautiful woman. So I tried it, and it worked, briefly, until the beautiful woman asked me what I was doing in her bed. Her husband wasn't particularly happy, either. And for the record, she had three pillows. I have no idea how that works.

I went to the doctor last week as a last resort (fuck you, internet, for your useless suggestions and bullshit theories). I pleaded with him to give me some advice, or some pills, or a new mattress; but he refused and said I should just exercise more. Of course, I followed his advice but found it even harder to sleep whilst running on a treadmill. I do have a nice arse now though.

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