Friday, April 03, 2009

Oh look, the most glorious rainbow ever!

It's an oldie but a goodie

Dum dum dum dum dummmmmm dumDUM!

Good evening universe, I am Mister Evil Breakfast and this is the news that's breaking across Australia, the world and beyond.

I promised you news, sport and weather a few weeks ago or something, so here you go. I am not wearing pants.

Tonight's top story is all the way from Cowabunga, Japan, where boffins have invented underpants that don't need to be washed. They are odour-free and moisture absorbent; they kill bacteria and still manage to keep your testicles from bouncing around too much. These Wonderpants are also flame resistant in case you can't resist lighting a fart and are also static free, so... they won't stick to the walls of your dryer, I guess. I never found that too much of a problem, myself. In fact, I quite like the static buzz of putting on a fresh pair of jocks straight out of the dryer, but maybe that's just me. Anyway, these techno tighty-whities are being trialled on the International Space Station, which for all of its scientific glory and telescopes and satellite radar things, doesn't have a washing machine. I guess that means my house is more awesome than being in space.

Breaking news: Swimmer Nick D'arcy won't be going to jail. Also, this just in - man does not buy shirt. Let's stick to reporting things that actually DO happen, eh lads?

A great new invention has just been released - a bucket. Dunk your new-born into this "tummy tub" and recreate the womb for your little bundle of joy. What the fuck? For the past bazillion years, people have hung out in the uterus for a while and then decided that enough was enough & that it's probably time to get out see the world, you know, stretch the legs and such. I don't see what the big deal with the womb was anyway - it was relaxing sure, but it started getting very touristy and it lost its olde worlde charm as time went on. Sitting in a fake womb by hanging out in a bucket of warm water (and pee, probably) would be like trying to recreate your trip to Spain by putting ice cubes in your Big Red Tomato Soup. Pass the sangria, por favor!

A man was lucky to walk/run away from a fairly decent bingle involving a Merc and a beer truck at 4:30am. The owner of the car reported it stolen minutes after the accident... nice work, pelican. There's nothing dodgy about a 4:30am phone call to the cops explaining that you were just about to head over to your mate's place to watch the sun rise when lo-and-behold, some vagabond has thieved your motor vehicle, is there? Especially when it was written off about seven seconds beforehand. "Police are investigating whether alcohol was a factor in the crash." The only people driving at that time are piss-heads, car thieves, piss-head car thieves and bakers. This guy was at least three of the above, even if it was his own car that he nicked. Tool.

Apparently no beer was harmed. Thank Christ (thank you) (You’re welcome).

In entertainment - there's big news surrounding one of the world's hottest acts, Britney Spears, who may be coming Down Under at some stage sometime in the next 8 months. I've just checked my diary and I'm free! Thanks for being so specific, Britto. For those mad keen Spears followers, this concert will set you back at least $120 for the nosebleed section and upwards of $200 for the front row, though some lucky fans will also be able to take home a souvenir Spears baby and something shiny. The tour will be mostly razzle and partly dazzle, according to tour promoters, with the music taking a back-seat to the theatrics. Everyone's favourite 'girl-next-door' will sing just one of the 20 or so songs performed during the show, with a pre-recorded track providing the words for her to mime along to. For $200, that recording had better take me to dinner and buy me at least two drinks before the concert (and call me the next day). I could quite easily have the same concert experience if I stayed at home, listened to the CD that I downloaded for free, drank a few beers and got some ironing done. I would, of course, have saved about $185, would have a fresh shirt to wear the next day, and most importantly, not been at a Britney Spears concert.

To finance now - everything's still fucked, but Aussie PM Kevin Rudd is going about gaining popularity by giving Aussie battlers (aka anyone who earns less than $100K a year) a bit of extra dosh for just being tops. That's why we love the leader. Apparently Australia doesn't have any money left in the piggy bank, yet Kev is writing us all IOUs which are redeemable everywhere. Despite doing economics for three years, I'm still no closer to grasping the very basics of it, which is evident by the fact that I failed two of those years and wrote "please don't fail me again" on my exam paper in the third. True story. I don't know exactly how, but this gift money is supposed to get the ol' Aussie dollar back on track, which would be a good thing. I could buy a guitar. That would be a good thing. I could buy some more corn chips. Good thing.

However... like all superheroes, Kev Rudd has his supervillain nemesis, who comes in the form of Bryan Pape. I didn't do a whole lot of research on this story, but from what I can understand, Pape is attempting to take a large stack of money to court and sue it, thus depriving everyone of their $900 "topsness payout" and would not allow me to buy a guitar. I daresay that these actions have led to Bryan officially losing all of his Facebook friends and latest reports indicate that he has changed his status to "the most hated man in the world."

I would like to add to his misery by calling him "Pape Smear."

And now for a look at sport around the world. Well, since it was Thursday yesterday, there wasn't much sport being played. So uh... carry on.

For those looking to get out and about this weekend, here's your weather forecast, proudly brought to you by a giant piss-off eggplant: there's a 50% chance of rain everywhere. There's also a 50% chance of a stegosaurus walking through your street, so keep your eyes peeled.

Yesterday's weather update thing on the site said: "Possible shower, cloudy at first." Well fuck. Clouds before rain? They go together now? I would have been way more impressed by: "Gods angry. Zeus' rage to fill the sky. Appeased tomorrow following sacrifice."

And finally, a feel-good story to warm your nether regions.

His neighbours' houses have weathercocks on their roofs - but Roy McInnes' house just has a cock. Roy the Pom (where else could he be from with a name like Roy?) has painted an 18 metre wang on his parent's roof so people can see it on Google Earth. There's nothing else to really say about this, except that it's amazing what someone can do with a ladder, a $2 million house and a tin of paint.

I hope this "ballsy" piece of art isn't "shafted" for a "schlong" time.

I'll be back with the late news if you log on again and re-read this entry at 11pm. Have a great weekend. I'm Mister Evil Breakfast... goodnight.

Dummm dum duuum dummm dumdumdumdummmmm...


Anonymous said...

I didn't understand the concluding part of your article, could you please explain it more?

Mister Evil Breakfast said...

Well, Anonymous Commenter, it would depend on which part you mean. The "dumm dumm dumm" part was my closing music for the news. The "re-read this again" piece meant that if you want the late news as opposed to the regular news, I wouldn't actually be doing another post on the same news, but if you wanted to relive the glory of the article, you could just read it again later. Please let me know if you're still struggling with what this means. Cheers, MEB