Easter is a sensual time of the year, as we plonk ourselves down to plates of seafood and eat chocolate like it’s going out of style. Throw in a glass of your choice of alcohol and all of a sudden, love is in the air. It can also help when someone has had about twenty-seven drinks too many and requires a shower and then forgets to put on pants, but hey, these things will happen.
People have said that Easter has become way too commercial to the point of forgetting the real reason behind it. And so, dear readers, welcome to Mister Evil Breakfast’s Guide To The Real Story Behind Easter (MEBGTTRSBE)…
Jesus was throwing a going-away party and had invited a few mates around. The invitation clearly stated that Jesus would provide nibblies and drinks. He ran out of time to get some meat, so he sent a text to Judas saying 'dude cn u pls grab sum snags n steaks n i will pay u bak asap! thx champ!' Judas himself was running a bit late, and thought that he’d be able to duck into the butcher near Jesus’ place to grab some food. But when the butcher handed over the bags of meat, all Judas had was his bank card.
“Sorry tiger,” said the butcher. “Cash only.”
“Is there an ATM around here?” Judas asked.
“There’s one in the servo over the road.”
So Judas headed over to the servo, willing to pay the $2 surcharge that was incurred on using an ATM that wasn’t designated to his particular bank, but was turned down.
“Fraid not,” said the servo attendant. “It’s out of order.”
So Judas went to the barbecue without any meat, hence the tradition of scoffing down things without legs on Good Friday.
At the party, people had been getting stuck into Jesus’ home-brew for a while and were a bit pissy. “Juuuudas! Where’s my sausage?!” Jesus asked.
“Sorry Jeebus, I didn’t have any cash and the butcher doesn’t do EFT.”
“Ah that’s cool, I’ve got some fish in the freezer, and there’s some snacky bits here.”
A few hours later, everyone was getting fairly smashed, when suddenly Jesus remembered that he had some chocolate in the kitchen. It actually belonged to Robert, Jesus’ housemate, but Rob had eaten the last bowl of Jesus’ Fruit Loops, so he felt that he could get away with snaffling a bit off his housemate’s shelf in the cupboard. So he grabbed the family-sized block of Cadbury’s and chucked it to Peter.
“Where’d this come from?” Peter asked as he cracked a couple of squares off and passed the chocolate to the left hand side.
Through his mouthful of chocolate, Jesus mumbled, “Rabbit.” Everyone laughed.
“Yeah, there’s a big fuck-off rabbit who gives chocolate to people!” said Simon. "That's fucking tops!"
A bit later, Mathew turned up.
“Where’ve you been, man?” Jesus asked. “And did you bring us some food?”
“I’ve been at work, fucktard!” said Mathew, pointing to his Baker’s Delight uniform. “I brought you some fucking buns,” and he threw a bag of bread at Jesus.
“Awesome, thanks!” he embraced his friend in a (very manly) hug. “Gross, dude. You stink!”
“Yeah well you fucking stand in a bakery for eleven fucking hours and see how you fucking smell!”
“Dude!” called James. “You're hot and cross. Just have a bun and relax.”
I think that would have been a pretty good party. I’m also fairly certain that Jesus had a three-day hangover afterwards.