Thursday, April 30, 2009

Foooooooooooty tips from Frank

Due to popular demand, this photo of John Hopoate graces our computers once again.

To be frank (you can still be whoever you are), I can’t remember what happened last weekend. Something about some football matches going on. I’m pretty sure I was flawless (as always) in my evaluation of each team. Let’s roll on to Round whatever-we’re-up-to.

Eels vs Cowboys
My god the Eels are terrible. My god. Dear me. Holy shit. Terrible. Fuck. Seriously, fuck. Shit. Cowboys by at least 18.

Manly vs Storm
Last year’s grand final replay should prove about as interesting as last year’s grand final; the only difference will be that neither team has it in them to score a single point, let alone 40. I’ll tip Manly at home, but I think the real winner will be those who choose not to watch this train wreck.

Titans vs Rabbits
It's the CLASH OF THE TITANS... and the Rabbitohs. Let me see… my Magic 8-Ball says "ask again later." Fuck it, I don’t have time for this shit, I’ll just tip the Bunnies.

Sharks vs Roosters
This is hardly fair, pitting teams of spastics against each other just for our entertainment. I’m going to tip the Sharks to get up, but only because I feel more sorry for them than I do for the chooks. The dribble factor in this game will be higher than the scoreline.

Knights vs Broncos
Apparently the Broncles went alright last week. That’s good enough for me. Brissy by a dozen.

Raiders vs Panthers
Go you Raiders! Last week’s convincing 30-20 loss has me sold that they’ll be more than capable of mixing it with the Panther boys. Raiders by 7. Fuck I love field goals.

Dragons vs Warriors
The Warriors should have won last week. If only Stacey Jones could kick straight, huh? Idiot. They’ll go one better this week and wipe the St Georgians off the park. Bet your cow on it. Moo.

Bulldogs vs Tigers
This is a tricky one. I hate the Dogs more than I hate the Tigers, but the Dogs are better than the Tigers. Ah fuck it. Dogs.

This guy might not have completely thought out the consequences of taking a mark

Kangaroos vs Magpies
Because I really like pies, I am going to tip Collingwood. Like, the pies you get from a bakery, not magpies. No one like magpies; they suck. I'm still scared of them. I'm not scared of pies though. Mmmm pies.

Hawks vs Blues
Are these guys seriously playing each other? Seriously? Seriously? You’re serious? I don’t know anything about either of them, and after three weeks of doing tips, I’ve kind of run out of things to say. Hawks to win.

Eagles vs Dockers
You can’t go past the weagles. There’s a funny story involving me and a wedge-tailed eagle from the Adelaide zoo when I was about 4 years old and it almost ate me. Seriously. Ask my mum. And even though I am fully aware than the W in weagles doesn’t stand for Wedge-tailed, I'm still tipping them.

Lions vs Bombers
Hmmm. This one could be a cracker of a game. But then, since it’s AFL, it’ll probably be a total snoozefest. Don’t mind me if I stab at my tipping sheet with a bloody finger (it’s not my blood… or my finger) and land on the Lions.

Power vs Crows
You can’t beat the Crows. Well, you can, and many have this year already. But the Powers won’t be adding to that list this weekend. No siree. The lads from Ladelaide to kick further and catch better than the dorks from Port (yes, I do know that they’re both in Adelaide, I just didn't think this one through very well).

Swans vs Tigers
Did the Swans win last week? Anyone? Marv? You don’t know either? Why do I keep you around? Marv – will they win this week? Yes? Ok buddy, but if you’re wrong, we can no longer be friends. Swannies by about ninety eight goals.

Demons vs Cats
Wait wait wait wait wait. Someone told me that the Cats were good. I think. Or was it some other team? Oh fuck, I don’t know. I’m so confused. I’ll tip the Cats, but only because I like cats, and demons haven't been taken seriously since the middle ages. Cats are always serious. Meow. Why did Geelong pick a cat to be their mascot? There are a lot more fear-inducing animals around. Like, a bear could rip your face off or something. A cat can breathe on you in the morning with fish breath. Not that scary.

Bulldogs vs Saints
Thank fuck I’m at the end of this week’s tipping schedule. I’m pretty sure I’ve got all of my St Kilda tips right thus far (I’m not going to look it up; some facts are better left unproven), so I’ll carry on God’s work and tip the angels. Go you good things. Kick the ol’ Sherrin around like you own it, boys. Woot.

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