Thursday, April 16, 2009

Mister Evil Tipping Bripping

Kablammo! We're into Round 5 or something. Awesome. Only another 17 weeks of this shit to go! Woot.

Panthers vs Broncos
Can anyone tell me how these teams are going? No? No-one? Oh. Wait, what was that? Sorry? You can't tell me? You don't know either? Hmm. Well, thanks anyway. If I go for Broncos, who reckons I'm right? Two..three...four.. Marv, is your hand up? No? Yes? It is? Ok. How about the Panthers? ...three, four... five... Marv, you can't vote for both. Broncos or Panthers, mate? You don't know? Neither do I. Broncos.

Titans vs Raiders
It's the CLASH OF THE TITANS... and the Raiders. I washed my Raiders jersey last night (it's a 1994 special) and woke up this morning looking good and feeling good. Canberra to cause an upset and topple the dirty cheating rats that are the Titans.

Dragons vs Knights
You couldn't ask for a better match-up, could you? Dragons and Knights, fighting each other just like they used to in the olden days. Sorry, Sir Lancelot, but I think the dragons will win this time. Poor Knights and their damsels in distress.

Rabbitohs vs Manly
Damn Rabbitohs losing last week. Damn you Brett Stewart for scoring three tries when I said you'd do nothing. Damn you both to hell. My heart says Bunnies and my head says Manly. Somewhere in the middle (just above my Adam's apple), it's saying Tigers. Fucking stupid neck. What the hell would you know? Manly to win, but I'm not confident...

Warriors vs Roosters
Haaaate the Roosters. Haaaaaaaaaate them. Haaaaate them with the Passion of the Christ. Haaaate haaaate haaaaate haaaaaate haaaaaate. Fuck I haaaaaate them. So much. Sooooo so so so sooooooo much. Warriors to win, just because I don't haaaaaaaaaaate them.

Sharks vs Cowboys
If this was a real contest, the Cowboy would have to lassoo the shark, leap onto its back from a runaway train (filled with gold and dynamite) and tame that puppy. Since that would be more entertaining in the long-run than just watching a shark chew on a cowboy for a while, I'll tip the boys from North Queensland. Yeehaa.

Eels vs Bulldogs
For this one, I shall use my psychic powers and talk to both of them. Bulldog - woof woof woof woof woof. Ruff ruff ruff. Very interesting. Thank you. Eel - ... ... ... Well, because eels can't work out if they're snakes or fish, they don't have much to say. So the winner will be the bulldogs, which are way more dog than they are bull.

Tigers vs Storm
The Storm just signed Brett Finch, which makes me want to tip the Tigers. But the Tigers lost last week, which makes me want to tip the Storm. But the Tigers bounce back, and will bounce back twice as hard after two losses. Ah fuck it, Storm to win.

I have no idea about AFL, but I made a drunken promise to do an AFL footy tipping thing. So here we go.

Kick, drop, handball, drop, behind, point, kick, tackle, penalty, kick, handball, drop, penalty, kick, drop, behind.

Lions vs Magpies
From what I know about AFL, the Lions are from Brisbane and the Magpies are from Collingwood. I'm pretty sure there are more maggies in Collingwood than there are lions in Brisneyland, so I'll tip the pies. I don't even know where Collingwood is, to be honest. Can anyone tell me what I should look for if I were to visit? Like, is there a theme park or a water slide or a nice bakery or something?

Hawks vs Power
I've never been a wholehearted supporter of teams that have a non-physical mascot. What represents the Power, seriously? I'll go Hawks, cause at least I know what they fucking look like.

Swans vs Blues
The Blues? Is their mascot a Smurf? A blue whale? The sky? Someone who's feeling a bit down? A black guy with a saxophone? Honestly. Swans are weird when they walk on land, but I reckon they can beat Blue Man Group. Apparently they can bite hard enough to break your arm. Swans, that is, not Blue Man Group.

Saints vs Dockers
Hm. AFL teams hate having something tangible, don't they? A docker sounds like a pair of pants that you'd wear to a Navy parade. I just looked up the Dockers on the Wiki and discovered that their fans worship an anchor, so I was pretty close. But I think that if the Saints truly have the power of God on their side, they should beat a bunch of sea-faring scurvy dogs.

Crows vs Cats
Let's look at this sensibly - a crow will hack at the entrails of a dead animal and make that annoying "graaa graaaaa graaaaaaaaaaaaah" sound. A cat will sleep. Since this sport is about picking at entrails, the animal deemed most awake should win. Go the mighty Crows. Graa.

Kangaroos vs Bombers
When I was four years old, I had a Bombers doona cover. I don't know of anyone with a Kangaroos doona cover, and I probably wouldn't associate myself with them if they did. Bombers by either 3 goals or 18 behinds.

Tigers vs Demons
I wonder if the Tigers players all turn up to the game and say, "Hey Tiger!" to each other? I know I would, and that is why I am tipping them in this game.

Eagles vs Bulldogs
I think the Eagles are the West Coast Eagles, yeah? And the Bulldogs... fuck. I have no idea. Wait, where's my Wiki? Ok, that took way longer than it should have. I had to look up a page on actual bulldogs, then two pages on the Canterbury Bulldogs in which I saw a photo of Brett Kimorley, and then a page on the noble sport of British Bulldog. However, upon discovering the AFL Bulldogs' page, the first paragraph tells me that they are one of the least successful teams in the history of the AFL. So fuck you, Doggies. I'm tipping the Weagles.

Sip it up, or tip it out!


April said...

*sniff sniff* Mister Evil, I know you washed your beloved shirt, but you still don't smell so good!

Mister Evil Breakfast said...

I'm not really looking good either. I lied. I lied through blog. I hate when I do that.