NRL 2015 - Round 16: Contracts are balls

This has been a weird year of NRL so far; the quality of the games has been, for the most part, fucking tops – there have been a thousand games decided by just a few points, leads change fifty billion times a match, and there is no amount of points large enough that can’t be chased down.  So why-oh-why-oh-why (oh why) does all the bullshit off the field overshadow the action that goes on over the weekend?  At least in recent years, we’ve had dickhead NRL players taking the focus off the NRL by getting drunk, taking drugs, bashing people, pissing in their own face, getting arrested and stealing cars.  This year, it’s dickhead players dicking around with contract negotiations, and CEO fuck-ups that are taking the sheen off a stellar season.  All this fucking boardroom bullshit is turning this year into a really crappy John Grisham novel, to be later adapted into a boring fucking movie starring Matthew McConaughey as Daly Chery-Evans and Jack Nicholson as the Titans CEO.

The latest player to become a character in The Tunnel (yes, I just named Grisham’s novel – it’s a clever double-meaning that refers to both the player’s entrance onto the field AND a player’s entrance to his bum… I should have mentioned that there’s a fair amount of homoeroticism in this novel) is Keiran Foran (to be played by that guy who played Peeta in the Hunger Games movies).  Not to be out-done by his Manly team-mate Daly Chery-Evans, Keiran Foran backflipped on his contract with the Eels, then backflipped AGAIN to stay with them.  There is still some wriggle-room for further acrobatic endeavours due to Parramatta being run like a brothel (the brothel owner will be played by Bryan Brown).

Other player news from around the clubs sees Greg Bird (to be played by the guy that played Tug from Home and Away in about 1996) leaving the Titans at the end of the season, and is in negotiations with… Canberra?  OH GET FUCKED.  Fuck that fucking fuck.  We don’t fucking want him.  If he seriously comes here, I’m buying myself a Warriors jersey.  Hey, bro. 

The loss of Bird leaves the Titans with a bit of a personnel problem.  They are looking to plug their halves gaps by enticing Todd Carney back to the country… probably with a bottle of bourbon and a staffy.  Todd Carney and the Gold Coast would really only be a good combination for one thing:  a reality tv show.  Todd Carney will be played by the kid from the Lube Mobile ads.  Raiders prop Dave Shillington announced that he is doing a mercy dash to the Goldie next year.  At this stage, Shillo will be playing as the entire front row, lock, left centre, fullback and one interchange spot.  Shillington won’t be appearing in The Tunnel unfortunately. 

NSW Origin “star” Trent Hodkinson has been released by the Bulldogs and signed with the Knights… who are keen to fill the gap that Kurt Gidley will leave with someone of equal or lesser talents, it seems.  It’s quite a turn-up when your club can’t wait to get rid of you, but your state decides that you’re good enough to warrant a position.  Or maybe it’s a budget thing – NSW already had a “Hodkinson” jersey printed, so they might as well get their money’s worth.  Those jumpies are worth like $180 and stuff.  Hodko will be played by Jake Busey.  

In proper off-field drama, Michael Jennings (Denzel Washington and NO THAT’S NOT RACIST), celebrated his Man of the Match performance in Origin II by punching a boom gate and getting arrested.   It’s all a bit odd, really, especially considering Jennings’ previously clean record, that was almost successfully hidden by his club.  Fans of Jennings can now look forward to 2017, when he is next scheduled to put in a decent football performance… and fly-kick a parking meter. 

Round 16

Brisbane Broncos vs Newcastle Knights

Can’t go past the Horses on this one – I predict a big game from Andrew Gee and Steve Renouf, and despite a spirited performance from Mark Sergeant, the Knights will fall. 

South Sydney Rabbitohs vs Manly Sea Eagles

I'm keen to see the Burgess boys run at the other Burgess and hopefully Gewart at Bewart and DCE.  This could be a tricky one - Souths are playing absolutely fucking numptyballs at the moment, and Manly look like they’re about to get on a roll.  So there’s only one thing to do – tip Souths.  Because… well… Manly.

New Zealand Warriors vs Canberra Raiders

Another heart-breaker for the Raiders last week with a one-point loss, and a come-from behind (I think) win for the Warriors, who are finally starting to show some chutzpah.  I’m going against the Raiders this week, to ensure them a win and a foothold on the top eight.  Or another tip right for me.  Either way.

Nth Queensland Cowboys vs  Cronulla Sharks

Eleven wins on the trot for the Cowbs, which is a pretty decent little run they’re on – it hasn’t always been pretty, and they’ve got through in a couple of one-pointers, but they’re still winning.  Cronulla will be another speedbump for North QLD, but one of those small ones that you don’t even slow down for.

Parramatta Eels vs St George Illawarra Dragons

St George.  This game gets my “guaranteed totally not to lose” award for the week.

Sydney Roosters vs Gold Coast Titans

I don’t much like the Roosters, but I don’t even have feelings towards the Titans (except Greg Bird), but fuck it, they’ll win.  Stupid Roosters.

Wests Tigers vs Penrith Panthers

Oh god, who cares?  I’m going for the Tigers, but this is a classic “I don’t give a fuck who wins” game, in the “I have to tip someone” category. 

Canterbury Bulldogs vs Melbourne Storm

I reckon the Storm are about to go into some serious decline… and when they get beaten by the Doggies by a thousand this weekend, I’ll be there saying, “I fucking predicted this!  I am a tipping genius!”  If they don’t, I’ll look a bit stupid, but I’m kind of ok with that.

You can just feel the intelligence radiating from this man

NRL 2015 - Round 15: I'm sure something happened in the NRL this week, I just don't know what it was

It was lucky that last week was a split round, as going by my tipping form, I would have scored a big ol’ none from eight.  None from four is much better.  As the saying goes, “When less teams are playing, it’s easier to tip!” 

Fucking fuck.  However, as the other saying goes: "If you can tip zero in a round, you can tip a full one.  Just… do exactly the opposite and... you know... get them right next time."  It's not a well-known saying.

Onto the week that was - HOLY SHIT WHAT A GREAT GAME OF ORIGIN is what I heard when I went into work yesterday, having missed most of the game as I was fighting crime with my pet dinosaur.  I did manage to catch the last 10 minutes or so of the game, and it looked decidedly “oooh” and “errrr” at its finest moments.  Once again, it seems that the refs tried to get in the way of a good game and fuck it all up for everyone.  In any case, we head to Suncorp in three weeks (surprise surprise) to settle this best-of-three thing once and for all.  I know, it’s like there’s some kind of marketing agenda at hand here.  

Congrats to NSW for squaring the ledger; it couldn't have been easy to defeat a team with so many half-arsed efforts being produced.  

To have fielded Billy Slater at all was a stupid move from the Maroons, as he was obviously hampered by an injured shoulder, was lacking in confidence with the ball, and most importantly, proved that he cannot perform without Cameron Smith and Cooper Cronk.  Just ask his wife.

So Billy has ruled himself out for the rest of the season to get some surgery on his shoulder.  His usual grubbiness and cheating has been well below 100% this year, and his shoulder problems have been at the forefront of that.  Slater's absence will be a real blow for Storm and QLD supporters, as Slater has been threatening to return to top form lately.  It is however, good news for people like me, who fucking hate Billy Slater.  

Round 15

Manly vs Tigers

It will be interesting to see how this pans out - the Tigers pack have a huge size advantage, but Manly have classier halves.  Daly Cherry-Evans should be well-rested from not doing fucking anything on Wednesday night, so might actually turn up to this game.  I'll be interested in seeing how the Taupau backs up from single-handedly fucking up the entire South Sydney team last week.  I reckon Manly will scrape through in a close one.

Raiders vs Cowboys

The Raiders will be buoyed by the fact that BJ Leilui has signed with the Green Machine after walking out on his Newcastle contract. Where you’d put a 120kg Kiwi with cornrows AND a mullet is anyone’s guess. Probably Mooseheads, actually.

If watching a scoreboard tick over is your idea of a good afternoon, then this game could be right up your alley. The Raiders can pretty much score at will through their left side with Williams, Croker and Lee... but anyone can score at will down the same side as the same trio leak tries. Will be great to see the form halves hit each other - Cowboys going for eleven wins on the trot... and I reckon they'll just get there.

Titans vs Warriors

Ooooh.  I’m spoilt for choice – which shit team do I tip this week?  Flip a coin and file this one under “gotta pick someone, I suppose.”  I love the Warriors, who am I kidding?  I just really, really REALLY wish they were a lot better.

Bulldogs vs Panthers

Penrith are master magicians – they have made their entire first grade team… disappear.  It hasn’t been a great year for the Panfers, especially considering their good form from last year.  But when you literally have every.single.one of your starting team out injured, what else can you do?  My money’s on the Dogs this weekend, who have one of the form players in the comp at the moment – keep an eye on Mbye, who is playing like a man who needs to get more vowels in his name.

Knights vs Sharks

Um.  Sharks.

Storm vs Broncos

Hmm.  Broncos?

Dragons vs Roosters

Uuuh.  Dragons.

It's nice that someone cares enough to have made this t-shirt.
It's a pity that it looks a bit shit.

NRL 2015 Round 14: N*Sync Round – Bye bye bye

As we sneak towards Origin II (and the sequel is hardly ever as good as the original, and the original was a bit shit, to be honest – let’s hope that this series of Origins is more Terminator 2 than Speed 2, if you get my Tokyo Drift?

In a quick rundown on Origin news, Trent Hodkinson maintained his position at five-eighth for NSW.  It has scientists baffled.  When you play on the same team as Mitchell Pearce, lose the game and STILL have people baying for your blood, you know you’ve done something wrong. 

Blues coach Lozza Daley told Rugby League Week, “… for me, when I’m picking representative sides, I want blokes who have played consistently well for a period of time.”  This is the closest proof we have that Daley and the selectors are yet to see a game of football since 1996. 

To compensate for a shitty halves pairing, NSW have bolstered their backline by including both Morris twins.  This will no doubt relieve spectators and commentators alike, as we don’t have to keep second-guessing ourselves when “Morris” does something.  And when you have Morris², things usually happen.  They often involve dislocated shoulders, torn hamstrings and broken hearts, but still, that’s three more things than happened in Origin I.

The QLD camp is crying about Cooper Cronk being ruled out with a knee injury suffered during Melbourne’s win over Penrith last week.  In even worse news, Daly Cherry-Evans has been selected to take his place, fresh from leading Manly to a 40-point loss last week.  At least the Maroons are trying to match the Blues’ bizarre halves choices.  I guess Mal is really “sticking his neck out” with that selection, despite DCE being an “albatross around the neck” for his teams at the moment.  But he has put his “neck on the line” for his team, and it was always “neck and neck” between him and Morgan to take over from Cronk.  So Chery is “up to his neck in it” and he knows he’s got a few people “breathing down his neck” if it all goes “neck up.”

Daly Chery-Evans has a long neck.

Billy Slater has declared that Wednesday’s Origin game could be his “last for the season.”  To be honest, Slats, we didn’t even notice that you’d played this year so far.  Billy’s ongoing shoulder problem will require surgery following the game, effectively ruling his 2015 season with the Storm, Queensland and Australia well and truly dusted.  Personally, I’d leave him out completely, especially considering rumours that Greg Inglis will be moved from his current centre position to play on the wing in order for him to regain some good form, despite his preferred club position being fullback.  Why not play Greggy at a position he actually fucking knows, instead of fucking around with fucking cripples like Billy fucking Slater, who just wants to play so he can get a handy from Cam Smith at halftime at the MCG and tick something off his bucket list? 

On the obverse, it would put Inglis up against the devastating defence of Will Hopoate, so if scoring about eighteen tries in a game is what it takes to get his confidence back, then it’s probably not the worst idea in the world.

Round 14

Holy fuck, what was with last week?  The Sharks continued their run against the Roosters, the Cowbs came back from 24 points down… probably some other stuff as well. 

To be honest, I would put a good ol’ Geoff Toovey INVESTIGATION into the Sydney Roosters following last week’s bullshit effort.  If they all didn’t have about $500,000 on the Sharks to win, I’d be fucking surprised.  The amount of errors they made – and the way they made them – were like when you were playing cricket in the back yard with your uncle, who would spoon catches back to you so he could stop batting and get stuck into the good beers that he’d brought along instead of nursing the one Melbourne Bitter that he’d been handed when he walked in.  ANYWAY, it was obvious when he was trying to get out, and it was obvious that the Roosters had no intention of winning that game.

Wests Tigers vs  South Sydney Rabbitohs

Instead of having byes next year, it has been floated that teams just play the Tigers instead.  They are guaranteed 2 points in any case.

New Zealand Warriors vs Sydney Roosters

This game is practically a home-game for the Roosters, considering the amount of Kiwis in the team… which in theory makes in a Warriors away game… so you can expect the shit version of NZ to turn up.  It would make it even more homely for the Chooks if no one turns up – they love playing to empty stadiums. 

Gold Coast Titans vs Canterbury Bulldogs

I reckon the Titans are probably about ready to upset the Dogs, who I don’t rate AT ALL… but I’m probably pretty wrong about that.  Yeah, tip Dogs.  It makes sense, at least.

Melbourne Storm vs Parramatta Eels

The Storm will be without Smith, Cronk, Slater, Korobiete and Chambers for this game, and so will probably win by about thirty, instead of the seventy that they would normally do.  

Ben Ross, proudly sponsored by Pringles.  Once you pop, you can’t stop.  

The Paleo Way

Bread is a wonder food.  As in, it makes me wonder how we ever got around to eating it.

At some point, someone said, "I want to eat this grass."  And they did, and realised that it was gross, inedible and probably had cow piss all over it.

So they said, "What if I crush it up?"  Crushing the grass did not help at all.  Grass is not wine, man.  Now it's all fucking flaky and gets stuck in this guy's throat.  

"Hey, what if I take out all of the shitty chaff bits?"  No, it's all still shit, and he's choking like a bitch.  

"I know, I'll add water.  Water makes things nice."  Look, this is probably the best idea they ever had.  Not as much choking, but still not really eating.

I'll just assume that the next phase was discovered as all good discoveries were - after a few pints down at the local.  The guy took his bowl of wet grainy bits and put yeast in it, probably after a quick game of "can beer improve this?"  It did, but it wasn't that hard to improve in the first place. 

Presumably he then took his bowl of yeast & grain and went home.  Then, in a flash of drunken brilliance, bunged his mushy beer into the oven and fell asleep on the couch.  He woke up in the morning and had the first piece of toast ever.

Seriously, there's so many steps in here involving things that you can't eat. Someone was just fucking determined to eat grass.

NRL 2015 Round 13: Backflipgate – You can’t spell DICKHEAD without DCE

Daly Cherry-Evans did a miraculous loophole backflip this week (which is quite a feat, considering the length of his neck), came up uninjured and $10 million better off.

Unfortunately he damaged his own reputation so hard that it might take NRL fans up to 3 months to forget about him.

DCE, as he is formally known, signed a 3-year deal to play for the Titans after the 2015 season.  For this, he would be paid a fucking motza by the club.  He’d also get to live on the Gold Coast, do blow with Greg Bird and be a superstar in an otherwise under-performing team; he’d probably go on to win the Dally M and some kind of Australian of the Year medal as well. 

So the Titans had this up-and-coming giraffe who was going to join the club and hopefully point them in a better direction for the following few seasons.  One of the young pups being dragged down by a flailing team, Aiden Sezer, was released – why hold onto a player who could be very good in the future when you’ve just signed a player who is very good now?  So Aiden did the right thing and signed with the Raiders. 

Manly waited thirteen weeks before doing anything… then threw $10 million on the table and got down on their knees.  What happened was purely within the rules of the game, above board, and completely legal.  But it was also a pissweak cunty thing to do – he handed back $4 million to the Gold Coast, and took himself $10 mill. 

The former (changed sixteen minutes ago) rules on contracts stated that you could sign a contract, fuck about for 13 weeks, and then say, “lol just jokes i dun wanna play 4 u ne more loosers lol cya on da wkend kthanxbai” without any ramifications.  DCE reneged on his Titans contract with 2 days left.  “No harm done,” says the human neck.  “I am entitled to do this.”  The Titans, the NRL and everyone in between (I guess that is quite literally everyone else), is also entitled to think you’re a fucking useless prick, as it has given the ol’ Gold Coastians two days in which to find another halfback... who is good...and willing to leave his club...like, now. 

There had been speculation since DCE signed with the Tits that he would backflip, but he had stuck firm to his word until this week.  If he’d done this two months ago, fuck, even two weeks ago, it wouldn’t have been as bad.  But he’s fucked the Titans more than they fuck themselves, and has fucked himself in the supporters’ eyes even more than playing for Manly normally would.

Since this kerfuffle, the NRL have opted to change the laws around signing – instead of giving people thirteen weeks to “pssssssych!” their new club, they have now granted ten days in which to pull the plug.  This is good news for everyone involved in the NRL - probably something that should have been introduced a smidge earlier – but a very welcome change.  It should never have come to this for it to happen though.  Idiots.

I just wish that we didn’t have to wait a month until the Titans play Manly.  It really would have been a good way to kick off this round.

If Wikipedia says it, it must be true

Round 13 

Brisbane Broncos vs Manly Sea Eagles

The Horses will be at their best this week, as they find themselves playing their favoured time on their favoured day at their favoured venue.  Here’s hoping that Manly go all Catherine the Great on this game.    Yes, I know it’s not true, but I think the imagery is worth it.

Wests Tigers vs Gold Coast Titans

Beware a woman scorned, as the old saying goes… and the Titans are all scorned women right now.  The Tigers will be thoroughly beaten by a fired-up, angry bunch of drunken Queensland bogans that they’ll be confused as to whether it’s a game of rugby league or an afternoon at Robert Lui’s house.

Newcastle Knights vs Canberra Raiders

It’s time for the Raiders to bounce back after three ordinary appearances recently, although they did put in a good showing in their defeat by the Broncos last week.  Other than watching the Green Machine rack up a cricket score (West Indies’ batting not withstanding), all eyes will be on coach Ricky Stuart to see how far he can spit his dummy, how many chairs he can kick and who he can blame – other than his own team – for any misgivings.  SPOILER:  The refs.  It’s the refs’ fault. 

It was also speculated that Knights centre BJ Leilua had agreed to leave Newcastle on Tuesday to join the Raiders on Wednesday to play in Newcastle on Saturday.  Canberra coach Ricky Stuart was reportedly pleased to be receiving a surprise BJ, but no further updates have been leaked.

South Sydney Rabbitohs vs New Zealand Warriors

This is a pretty hard choice – they both tried their very best to lose against far inferior teams last week.  I guess this game will come down to a competition about who gives 110% the most in order to come away with a hard-fought loss.

Penrith Panthers vs Melbourne Storm

It’s always fun to see the Storm get held tryless after 80 minutes, even when you tipped them to win.  Both teams in this one will be out to try and prove that they’re not as shit as they appeared last week, and for some reason I’ve opted for Melbourne to come up with the goods.  This game gets my official "Well, you have to tip someone!" thumbs up.

Cronulla Sharks vs Sydney Roosters

Traditionally, Cronulla have been the Roosters’ booger-man over the last couple of seasons, regardless of form, personnel or position on the ladder.  After last week’s “effort”, I can’t see the Sharkies picking themselves up enough to win against a pretty decent Chooks outfit.  To add to Cronulla’s problems, Blake Ferguson is slated to stay off the booze for at least two days prior to making his comeback in this game.  I’ve got a sneaky $5 on him to snap an Achilles 24 minutes in.  

Canterbury Bulldog vs St George Illawarra Dragons

St George were clinical last week in their destruction of the Sharks – they didn’t jump out to a 20-point lead and go into defensive mode, nor did they throw the ball around in an effort to score on every set – they stuck to their game plan, dug deep and came away with the two points.  Thanks to Channel Nine and Mitre 10.  I would love for them to do it again to the Bulldogs.  I have a feeling that after this round, they’ll be known as the Joel Monaghan Dragons, if you know what I mean.

Parramatta Eels vs Nth Queensland Cowboys

The Eels shocked the world with a win last week over a highly-fancied Penriff team, even resorting to some tactics straight from the Karate Kid (the original one, not the one with Will Smith’s ugly daughter son… holy shit, that’s a guy?).  I think the Cowboys will run riot on this one.  This one is probably the safest game in the round, just quietly.  Official "Put your house on it" approach from MEB.

Even the Manly Daly (see what they did there) couldn't make DCE look good.  "I laugh like a homicidal puppet and am married to the upset version of Reese Witherspoon!"

Settle down, Gold Coast Bulletin.  Calling someone a NSWelshman is going a bit too far.  We don't want him either.  

NRL 2015 - Round 12: When Too Much Football is Probably Too Much

What the fuck happened last week?  Teams that were decimated by Origin absentees went on to win, teams that have been running shit hot for weeks looked shit house, and once again, NRL tipping geniuses like myself were left looking stupid.  But handsome.  So devilishly handsome.

What did everyone think of Origin?  I thought it was actually a bit average.  NSW looked absolutely shot in the second half, and I thought QLD should have put it right up them.  I wish I could say that the Blues defended like fucking madmen against wave after wave of relentless Maroon attack, but I’d be a big, fat liar.  The Queenslanders looked like they were just expecting the gaps to appear in the defensive line – there was very little for the NSW boys to do, other than just tackle the bloke in front of them.  So full credit to NSW for sticking to their defensive guns, full credit to QLD for winning the game, but I’m not sure that either team dug deep enough and gave the maximum 110% on this occasion.

For the next game, NSW should get the fuck rid of Hodkinson – the guy is a fucking joke, and to be included among the best players in Australia is an absolute kick in the dick to every other player in the NRL, and probably a few supporters and at least one blogger as well.  Bring in Adam Reynolds or Jamie Soward.  Maybe give Blake Austin a crack.  Or the bloke without legs from the ad on TV. 

They should also find a replacement for Jennings, who seemed to be having a contest with Trent Hodkinson as to who could be least involved in the game.  I think Jennings might have JUST snuck in a win in that department, as at least Hodko managed to fuck up a kick into touch, narrowly missing the grandstand by about half a field.  

I’d also piss Farah off, but I probably would have done that well before now.  Ennis has been carving it up this year, which I really hate to say, but he is probably the form hooker at the moment.  Heh.  Hooker.

QLD should also drop Inglis and hope that it fires him up.  The guy is a marshmallow at the moment.  It doesn’t really matter who else they bring in; it would be a definite improvement. 

Anyway, moving onto the weekend’s games… and what the fuck is going on with the draw?  Last week we had four games, this week we have seven.  What’s the deal with two teams having a bye?  HOW DOES THIS WORK?

Round 12:

Penrith vs Parramatta

This is officially the last roll of the dice for Parra to do anything this year.  If they fail to impress this week, they are royally fucked for the season and may not win again this year.  Statistically speaking, the last time Parramatta managed to direct the ball through the big sticks in the middle of the field (i.e. kick a goal), was at the 30 minute mark in the Round 9 game against the Melbourne Storm.  Since then, they have failed to kick one.  No penalties, no conversions. That's 215 minutes (including 5 mins of extra time against the Warriors) of football without a goal.  I don’t know whether to be impressed or not.

Titans vs Rabbitohs

Hopefully the Rabbits wake up this week and get back to playing some decent footy; they’ve been shithouse lately.  And if there’s a team in the comp who can play their opposition into a bit of form, I think the Titans can probably do it.    

Raiders vs Broncos

Sigh.  It hurts to do it, but my tip is going for the Horses this week.  God knows what last week’s Canberra/Bulldogs game was all about – after the dour struggle that was the rest of the weekend’s games, it was probably for the good of the sport that about 90 points were scored.  Normally if you knock up 34 points, you’d expect to win.  The Raiders are special like that.  I think the Broncos earned some respect last week with their win over the Knights without about 70 of their Origin stars, plus Corey Parker.  I reckon they might just do it again.  Sorry Raiders.

Cowboys vs Manly

I almost tipped an upset in this game, then I realised that I’d be tipping Manly and felt so very, very dirty.  Hopefully the six minutes of Origin that Mick Morgan experienced won’t have tired him out too much, as he’s got a big ol’ team of Sea Eagles to destroy.

Warriors vs Knights

Gotta tip someone, might as well pick the team without Gidley in it.  Always tip against Gidley.  I’m pretty sure that was in the Bible somewhere.    

St George vs Cronulla

The Dragons are apparently playing some good footy at the moment.  I say “apparently” because I haven’t actually noticed.  I didn’t even realise that they still had a team. 

Roosters vs Storm

Gotta tip someone, right?  I picked the Storm as I think following Origin, it proved that a lot of the Melbourne Maroons players are actually in decent form - Cronk's kicking game is back on track, Smith is running from dummy half more, and Slater's grubbiness is back in full force.   

You feel like you're really a part of the game

State of Origin 2015 Drinking Game

Tonight, pride and passion are put on the line.  Friendship and loyalties are forgotten as a battle for a place in history begins.  Men enter the field and leave as warriors.  Legends are created.  It’s a time when athletes transcend the sport and become myth. 

Or, you know, a couple of dickheads turn up to play a game of football, and it gets hyped to the point that it’s just fucking ridiculous.

In order to keep a lid on things, let’s grab a slab and make what could very well be a dour game just a bit more interesting.  Pretend you’re Josh Dugan and join the Mister Evil Breakfast State of Origin Drinking Game (otherwise known as ‘MEBSOODG’, which is actually an ancient Scandinavian drinking proverb, roughly translated to “do something with the fucking ball, Pearce, you fucking useless shit.”)!

Let’s start things off easy.  Take one sip:

• Every time a team scores a try. 
• When Origin is described as “the greatest rivalry in sport.”
• Each time Sportsbet.com.au is brought up.  
• For each Mitchell Pearce fuck-up (dropped ball, kicked out on the full, knock-on).  This could get messy.
• When Trent Hodkinson passes to a player who was not expecting it.
• When the commentators call him “Hodgkinson.”
• If Greg Inglis’ name is yelled for no apparent reason (i.e. “Here come the Queensland players, led by Cameron Smith.  Following him is Darius Boyd and GREG INGLIS!  Also, Jonathan Thurston.”)
• If someone is described as, or mentions being “an underdog.”
• If Sam Thaiday is clearly the third man into a tackle.
• If Jonathan Thurston elbows someone in the throat during a tackle.
• If Aaron Woods takes a hit-up and turns it into an ineffective wander to the line.
• Whenever a team opts for a penalty kick instead of going for the try.
•  Justin Hodges runs from dummy half.
•  Cam Smith, Thurston or Robbie Farah throws it blatantly forward.
• If Farah attempts to pass but drops the ball clean.
• A leg cramp in the last four minutes.
• The use of the word “debutante.”

Take it up a notch and have two sips:

• Whenever the commentator mentions “[player’s name] is built for Origin.”
• Whenever Origin is described as “a different brand of football.”
• When one of the commentators displays some clear bias towards their team.
• When some blatant Channel 9 cross-promotion occurs.  Have an extra drink if it’s The Block, Reno Rumble or The Voice.
• When Billy Slater kicks someone in the face.
• If Gus Gould says, “You can never write off this QLD/NSW team.”  Have a bonus couple if that team has written themselves off.
•  If a player’s bum is shown.
• Michael Jennings drops the ball in a tackle.  Bonus drink if he gets a penalty for it being ‘stripped.’
• If a try is awarded without going to the video ref.
• If a player seems to be able to get away with an obvious penalty simply because 'Origin.'

For professionals only – three sips:

• Mention of Spider-cam.  Have a bonus drink if Spider-cam is mentioned while Spider-cam is being shown. 
• If Cam Smith questions the referee and manages to change the penalty result.
•  When Gus, Wally and Rabs start discussing great players that you’ve never fucking heard of. 
•  Every time Dwayne ‘The Rock’ Johnson is inexplicably asked for an opinion about rugby league.  Have a bonus three when he mentions a lack of helmets and padding.

Crazy talk - finish your drink:

•  If a “fight” breaks out (read: a few blokes holding onto shirts and swearing at each other while the rest of the team grabs their shirts and swears), finish your drink.  Grab yourself another one during the pointless video review of nothing happening. 
• If a player is seriously injured but shows ‘true Origin spirit’ and stays on the field (broken hand/arm/dislocated shoulder etc).
• If a player is concussed, try and match their state of mind by slamming down a full drink.
• Finish your drink if the phrase “great Origin moments” is used to describe something that is happening in the game.  Finish someone else’s drink if it’s not really that special.

And the best part of Origin?  Whatever the scoreline, a Canberra Raiders legend will be taking home the trophy.  So go fuck yourself, Wayne Bennett.  

Greg Bird cracks the defence and makes a line break

NRL 2015 Round 11: Origin Week

It’s that time of the year that excites, infuriates and ultimately disappoints the NRL punter – Origin time!  When the entire sport dedicates itself to one game, hypes the athletes involved into Roman gods, creates some kind of aura that can only be achieved by truly believing in the place where you may-or-may-not-have played your first game of football as a spiritual haven that grants superhuman powers of speed and strength, and leaves footy fans a bit flat, as only half the games in the round are played, and only half the players that you want to see are playing. 

Parramatta tried to bring in a bit of normality to the week by fucking up and exploiting the salary cap conditions.  As to where the extra money was going is anyone’s guess – it’s a pretty rough situation where a team is paying players through the arse and still can’t quite manage to (a) attract any decent players, or (b) win. 

It does answer one question that also raised its dirty little head this week, regarding Cronulla “star” (if you’re half decent at Cronulla you automatically become a star) Michael Gordon, who was rumoured to be reneging on his contact and leaving the Shire to play for Parra.  I guess now that the Eels are looking at a hefty fine and a loss of points for the 2016 season, we will be seeing ol’ ‘Flash’ Gordon at the Sharkies for 2016 as well.

It’s a sad state of affairs when a team loses points for the fuck-ups of their administration.  The NRL will be taking the Eels’ wooden spoons from the previous few seasons as punishment.  In a show of support, Cronulla actually offered to donate their 2014 spoon to the embattled Eels. 

Round 11

South Sydney Rabbitohs vs Parramatta Eels

It has been a shit week for the Eels – so shit, in fact, that they have recalled Chris Sandow to the starting team.  The Bunnies are only missing one player for Origin, and I don’t think they’ll have a lot of trouble in kicking Parra while they’re down.  It’s a national pastime. 

Wests Tigers vs Nth Queensland Cowboys

I would have stuck with the Cowbs to scrape through this one until the Queensland Origin team called up Mick Morgan.  With the North Qlders fielding a team mainly consisting of the players’ mates and drunk uncles, I am tipping the Tiggers for an “upset.”

Canberra Raiders vs Canterbury Bulldogs

WOOO RAIDERS WOO.  The Green Machine would have won this game in any case, but beating an understrength, out-of-form and struggling Bulldogs outfit will just be even more fun.  Could crack the ton by half-time, to be honest. 

Newcastle Knights vs Brisbane Broncos

In a game that’s bound to piss off a lot of Broncos supporters, the Knights should win this one while the majority of Brissy are off drinking beer with Mal Meninga. 

NSW vs QLD

The best part about this year's State of Origin is that Gallen, Bird and Watmough aren’t playing – Gallen through injury, Bird through arrest and Watmough for being shit – because it might mean that the ball gets passed to more than three players all game.  In last year’s series, Michael Jennings and Josh Dugan played cards for the entire second game and no-one noticed.  Duges ended up sitting on three aces as the final siren went.  Paul Gallen’s injury has meant that his usual $650,000-for-three-games-for-NSW-per-year contract with the Sharks is kind of null and void.  So I guess that changes it to a $650,000-a-year-not-to-play-at-all.  I could get behind that. 

There are some weird selections for NSW which I don’t understand.  But that might be because I’m not a supercoach like Loz or Mal.  I don’t have the experience of the NSW or QLD coaches, who, despite not being trusted to coach a club team, are given the unenviable job of guiding their teams to play for “the most important series in history.” 

But that’s not really an issue for Origin, as players aren’t really picked on form, so why would coaches need to show any nous to get a win and earn some coin?  Three weeks ago, Alex Johnston played for Australia.  In this game, he can’t even play for NSW.  Brett Morris is there because people think he’s his brother.  Michael Jennings was picked because… he may have done something pretty remarkable in a game against the Gold Coast in 2010, and has been threatening to almost do it again this year.

NSW coach Laurie Daley has, for some reason, picked Will Hopoate, who he admits is out of form, but was part of the winning team last year, so earns another game.  He also dropped Josh Reynolds who was there last year in all 3 games but has dropped  him because his shit form is a problem this year.  I don’t have a problem with that, by the way, I think Reynolds is a fuckbag and shouldn’t even be picked to bring oranges to half time for the under 10s.  Hodkinson shouldn’t be there either.  NSW also dropped Luke Lewis, who is in form and won last year, but is too old, for the same-age Ryan Hoffman.  There’s no logic to the NSW team – Hopoate is in terrible form.  If you don’t pick Johnston, what about Jarryd Croker or James McManus or Pat Richards.  At least then you’d have the option of knocking over 58-metre field goals whenever you wanted, instead of, you know, dropping the ball every set.

One player who has been picked on form is Mitchell Pearce, but the inclusion of Robbie Farah (as fucking captain?  What the fucking fuck?) pretty much negates his impact, as Farah usually likes to take on the role of hooker and halfback at the same time, essentially pushing the designated half into the world’s smallest tackling bag for QLD. 

For Queensland, Darius Boyd makes his long-awaited comeback (I’m sure someone was looking forward to it, anyway), after 15 months off and two games back, proving that form and hard work really is the key to success, not how many handjobs you offer Wayne Bennett.  But it is the usual Queensland team that has been a bit dominant over the last few years (well, except for last year), but I don't think their best years are behind them.  It's not time to change the entirety of the line-up, but it might be a good chance to get a few inexperienced players into the mix, or at least shake some people up - put Inglis on notice that his form is shit and unless he performs in the first game, he can go fuck himself for the second.  Put up the white screen with Slater.  Stop letting Justin Hodges into the dressing room.  Things like that.

Queensland are doing the usual Queensland thing by leaking stories to the press – Inglis has a broken arm, Thurston has scurvy, Corey Parker has broken his hip in a shuffleboard incident.  Every year, the day of the first Origin game, the wonders of the Queensland health system come through and the Maroons get raised from the dead.  It’s a little-known secret that the Queensland Rugby League medical staff have actually found cures for cancer and AIDS, but until Darius Boyd comes down with symptoms, they’re keeping it hush-hush.  In news that hasn’t shocked anyone,  Billy Slater is rumoured to be carrying a shoulder injury.  This rumour spread from the fact that he’s been out for the past few weeks with a shoulder injury and has been seen favouring his shoulder since making his comeback.  He has reportedly not done any training in the QLD Origin camp due to his sore shoulder, and has instead been involved with intense physiotherapy on his injured shoulder.  This points to the simple conclusion:  he is in love with his physio.

This game will probably go down to the wire, but I don’t think it will reach any great heights. 

But hey, that’s just part of the mythos of Origin.  What it can lack in skill, it somehow makes up for in emotion and passion.  Or something.  

NRL 2015 Round 10 - The week in league

Another week, and another mixed bag of NRL shit.  The “Days Without Incident” flip-chart was reset to “zero” after reaching a high point of “3 days” following the revelation that Parramatta halfback Chris Sandow took a car for a ‘test drive’ (circle work) in an ‘industrial area’ (car park), and was involved in a ‘single-car accident’ (smashed into the curb), and had to ‘leave the car there’ (abandon) to go and ‘play football’ (lose) and has subsequently been ‘rested’ (dropped) due to ‘form’ (off-field incidents).  

In an unrelated (as far as we know) incident, Rooster/Warrior Roger Tuivasa-Sheck pulled an injured citizen out of a car that had crashed into a house.  Tuivasa-Sheck reportedly tucked the civilian under one arm, side-stepped two ambulances and a fire engine before palming off a paramedic on his way to the hospital.  

Cameron Smith proved that his eyesight is still perfect despite his ageing self during the Storm’s victory over the Eels last week, as he was able to find a Parramatta supporter in the crowd… and subsequently kicked a football at them, proving that he is still the best man to lead the Kangaroos and win the people’s hearts.  

Issaac Luke found himself $10,000 poorer after he was reported for posting a homophobic tweet.  Unfortunately for Luke, the only word he managed to spell correctly was “poofters.”  I think the fine was a bit over-the-top – sorry, OTT – as he seems to have been punished more for being an idiot rather than a bigot.  I’m pretty sure if he actually intended to be homophobic, he may have been a bit more explicit, with a lot more use of the magic word. 

  

On the field, Konrad Hurrell was suspended for three weeks following a horrible collision with Anthony Tupou, who was left looking like a common Souths supporter as Hurrell’s high knees found Tupou’s jaw, resulting in smashed teeth and a pretty ordinary looking face.  It’s bad news for Toops, but good news for science, as the age-old question of “what does Konrad Hurrell’s knee taste like?” has been answered:  

"Blood.  Hurrell's knees taste like blood."

ROUND 10

Canterbury Bulldogs vs Sydney Roosters

For some reason, Channel 9 are advertising this game as the battle of the NRL’s most exciting halves, proving once again that Channel 9 are yet to watch a game of football.  It will be interesting to watch Reynolds struggle, fail and self-destruct again though.  Even though I don’t like them, the Chooks should stroll out to win this one.

Nth Queensland Cowboys vs Brisbane Broncos

In the real showdown of exciting halves, I’m tipping the Cows to upset the ladder-topping Broncs, as the Brissy defence will be put under some serious pressure from Thurston and Morgan, who has impressed in recent weeks.  How fucking professional did that sound?  Very.  The answer is very. 

Parramatta Eels vs New Zealand Warriors

Some have said that the Warriors have been horribly inconsistent this year; I think they have proved themselves to be consistently horrible.  Eh?  Eh?  They’ll still beat the Eels though, because… well… Parramatta.

Gold Coast Titans vs Cronulla Sharks

The Titans proved to be lacking in the go department last week, and Greg Bird’s suspension dealt the team a real blow as they were unable to get over the line.  The Tits will be up against it this weekend, but I think their defence will crack under pressure and the Sharkies will snuff them out. 

Melbourne Storm vs South Sydney Rabbitohs

It was nice of Adam Reynolds and John Sutton to come in last week and steer the Rabbits to a much-needed victory.  Not so nice of them to injure themselves again though.  And even though I think the Storm are playing absolute dog’s balls (Billy Slater getting Man of the Match for last week’s game?  Fuck off), it’s with one eye on the Bunnies’ injured list that I tip a Melbourne victory.

St George Illawarra vs Canberra Raiders

For two-and-a-half glorious hours last weekend, Canberra found themselves in the top 4.  Now they find themselves on equal fifth, which is about a thousand places higher than anyone suspected this year (except me).  The Green Machine are running strong at the moment, and the Dragons' defence is going to fall thanks to Canberra's Blake Austin, who is currently shredding opposition like a majestic, Nordic version of Laurie Daley on steroids.  

Newcastle Knights vs Wests Tigers

Ummmmmmm I’ll tip the Knights.  I think.  I’m still not sure.  I don’t know.

Manly Sea Eagles vs Penrith Panthers

Manly are still coming last.  STILL.  Sure, it’s only by one point on for-and-against, but still.  Last.  It’s a great moment that is all too fleeting, as I think the ol’ cheating Sea Eagles will get one up on the Pink Penny Panthers this week.  All great things must come to an end… except my tipping, which went gangbusters last week.

This is more impressive when you look at last week's results, not, you know, my overall standings.

NRL 2015 Round 9: Australia... lost?

What a week in rugby league – New Zealand knocked the Aussies from top spot as world champions following a shemozzle of a Test match on Sunday that proved that not only are Australia quite fallible, but they’re also getting a bit shit at the ol’ game of “runtackleruntackleruntackleruntackleruntackleKICKfuckfuckfuck.”  A lot of people knee-jerked their way to the selector’s couch and starting pointing fingers at the elder statesmen of the team, such as Greg Inglis (who turned 28 this year), Billy Slater (who wasn’t playing) and Jonathan Thurston (who actually played quite well, considering the fact that his halves partner was too busy looking like Toby Maguire from Spider-Man 3 and doing some kind of emo dance number with Ron Howard’s daughter to play footy or fight crime or try to impress Mary Jane Watson.  And what was the deal with the landlord’s daughter in the Spider-Man movies?  You know, the one that kept making Peter Parker cookies and bringing him milk?)

Hang on, I’ve fucking lost my train of thought completely.  How bad was Spider-Man 3 though, seriously?  I knew when it showed about twelve minutes of Kirsten Dunst and James Franco preparing to cook an omelette that we were in for some trouble. 

Anyway, Australia lost the football.  Inglis had a terrible game, but I don’t think he’s quite past it yet.  I thought that Will Chambers on the wing had a pretty special debut Test match – special in the sense of it being a euphemism for being disabled.  I don’t know if someone thought it would be a good idea to take all of the studs out of his shoes, or force him to soak his hands in vasoline all night, but it was a prank that didn’t pay off.  There are a lot of other wingers in the comp who look like they’ve shown a lot more promise than this puppy.  If he gets another chance, he’d better thank his greasy boots and limited ball control that he did.

In other league news, Greg Bird has officially crowned himself “Fuckwit of the Week” (again) by smashing some poor dickhead’s head into the ground and then saying, “Nuh, wasn’t me and shit hey.”  But it was.  Birdie copped 7 weeks for his troubles, ruling him out of State of Origin.  YAY!  If Bird and Gallen don’t play, it might even mean that the ball gets passed to someone who plays slightly further than one bloke on either side of the ruck.

Steve Matai also decided that it had been a few weeks too long since his last stint on the sidelines, so he went out of his way to find a new and interesting way to get suspended:  Making contact with an official.  The lazy fuck couldn’t even be bothered to just coat-hanger someone.  

  

Round 9

Brisbane vs Panthers

The Panthers are still struggling with injuries, and despite Jamie Soward making his comeback from a broken… uh fuck I don’t know… sternum?  Sure why not… I don’t see them joining the winner’s circle this week.  Brissy will be all over Penrith like unemployment, ice addiction and teenage pregnancy.

Roosters vs Tigers

Both teams are playing like balls.  The Roosters will win, but it won’t be pretty.  And fuck I hate James Maloney.

Raiders vs Titans

Three weeks in a row since the Raiders have lost.  Sure, there were no games last weekend, but fuck it, we’ll take it.  Canberra have sucked at home this year, but that’s all about to turn around. 

Sharks vs Warriors

Ummm…  Warriors.  Look, don’t ask me why.  Maybe because the Kiwis won the Test match last week and they’ll be all “hey bro, remember when we were good at footy hey?  We can do it again.”  Look, if you read that in a softly-spoken New Zealand accent, it seriously works.  Don’t look at me like that.

Cowbs vs Dogs

Josh Reynolds is a deadset wanker.  He has got to be the biggest deadshit going around the game right now.  He never learns his lesson and he just has a face like a screwed up chamois once he gets put on report. What an infuriating gronk. 

Manly vs Newcastle

Manly will move from last place if the amount of points that Parramatta (not in this game) lose by and that Manly wins by is more than 39.  Maths, bitches.  Stay in school, yeah?  Also, Manly at Brookvale are hard to beat, as they're used to avoiding the gravelly parts of the field, and are oblivious to the used syringes and broken glass that makes up most of the oval.

Eels vs Storm

I guess the Storm will win this.  But probably not by much, and I’m not terribly confident.

Souths vs Saints

I even found a little movie for this game.  Go me!  (click above)  On form, St George should win this by about 1700 points, which would be a strangely entertaining game.  But that’s pretty unlikely to happen – the kicker’s foot would probably fall off somewhere around the 400 point mark anyway.  I’m going to tip for the Bunnies to regain a semblance of form and grind out a win.  But probably not by 1700 points.  Probably.