Friday, June 05, 2015

NRL 2015 Round 13: Backflipgate – You can’t spell DICKHEAD without DCE

Daly Cherry-Evans did a miraculous loophole backflip this week (which is quite a feat, considering the length of his neck), came up uninjured and $10 million better off.

Unfortunately he damaged his own reputation so hard that it might take NRL fans up to 3 months to forget about him.

DCE, as he is formally known, signed a 3-year deal to play for the Titans after the 2015 season.  For this, he would be paid a fucking motza by the club.  He’d also get to live on the Gold Coast, do blow with Greg Bird and be a superstar in an otherwise under-performing team; he’d probably go on to win the Dally M and some kind of Australian of the Year medal as well. 

So the Titans had this up-and-coming giraffe who was going to join the club and hopefully point them in a better direction for the following few seasons.  One of the young pups being dragged down by a flailing team, Aiden Sezer, was released – why hold onto a player who could be very good in the future when you’ve just signed a player who is very good now?  So Aiden did the right thing and signed with the Raiders. 

Manly waited thirteen weeks before doing anything… then threw $10 million on the table and got down on their knees.  What happened was purely within the rules of the game, above board, and completely legal.  But it was also a pissweak cunty thing to do – he handed back $4 million to the Gold Coast, and took himself $10 mill. 

The former (changed sixteen minutes ago) rules on contracts stated that you could sign a contract, fuck about for 13 weeks, and then say, “lol just jokes i dun wanna play 4 u ne more loosers lol cya on da wkend kthanxbai” without any ramifications.  DCE reneged on his Titans contract with 2 days left.  “No harm done,” says the human neck.  “I am entitled to do this.”  The Titans, the NRL and everyone in between (I guess that is quite literally everyone else), is also entitled to think you’re a fucking useless prick, as it has given the ol’ Gold Coastians two days in which to find another halfback... who is good...and willing to leave his, now. 

There had been speculation since DCE signed with the Tits that he would backflip, but he had stuck firm to his word until this week.  If he’d done this two months ago, fuck, even two weeks ago, it wouldn’t have been as bad.  But he’s fucked the Titans more than they fuck themselves, and has fucked himself in the supporters’ eyes even more than playing for Manly normally would.

Since this kerfuffle, the NRL have opted to change the laws around signing – instead of giving people thirteen weeks to “pssssssych!” their new club, they have now granted ten days in which to pull the plug.  This is good news for everyone involved in the NRL - probably something that should have been introduced a smidge earlier – but a very welcome change.  It should never have come to this for it to happen though.  Idiots.

I just wish that we didn’t have to wait a month until the Titans play Manly.  It really would have been a good way to kick off this round.

If Wikipedia says it, it must be true

Round 13 

Brisbane Broncos vs Manly Sea Eagles

The Horses will be at their best this week, as they find themselves playing their favoured time on their favoured day at their favoured venue.  Here’s hoping that Manly go all Catherine the Great on this game.    Yes, I know it’s not true, but I think the imagery is worth it.

Wests Tigers vs Gold Coast Titans

Beware a woman scorned, as the old saying goes… and the Titans are all scorned women right now.  The Tigers will be thoroughly beaten by a fired-up, angry bunch of drunken Queensland bogans that they’ll be confused as to whether it’s a game of rugby league or an afternoon at Robert Lui’s house.

Newcastle Knights vs Canberra Raiders

It’s time for the Raiders to bounce back after three ordinary appearances recently, although they did put in a good showing in their defeat by the Broncos last week.  Other than watching the Green Machine rack up a cricket score (West Indies’ batting not withstanding), all eyes will be on coach Ricky Stuart to see how far he can spit his dummy, how many chairs he can kick and who he can blame – other than his own team – for any misgivings.  SPOILER:  The refs.  It’s the refs’ fault. 

It was also speculated that Knights centre BJ Leilua had agreed to leave Newcastle on Tuesday to join the Raiders on Wednesday to play in Newcastle on Saturday.  Canberra coach Ricky Stuart was reportedly pleased to be receiving a surprise BJ, but no further updates have been leaked.

South Sydney Rabbitohs vs New Zealand Warriors

This is a pretty hard choice – they both tried their very best to lose against far inferior teams last week.  I guess this game will come down to a competition about who gives 110% the most in order to come away with a hard-fought loss.

Penrith Panthers vs Melbourne Storm

It’s always fun to see the Storm get held tryless after 80 minutes, even when you tipped them to win.  Both teams in this one will be out to try and prove that they’re not as shit as they appeared last week, and for some reason I’ve opted for Melbourne to come up with the goods.  This game gets my official "Well, you have to tip someone!" thumbs up.

Cronulla Sharks vs Sydney Roosters

Traditionally, Cronulla have been the Roosters’ booger-man over the last couple of seasons, regardless of form, personnel or position on the ladder.  After last week’s “effort”, I can’t see the Sharkies picking themselves up enough to win against a pretty decent Chooks outfit.  To add to Cronulla’s problems, Blake Ferguson is slated to stay off the booze for at least two days prior to making his comeback in this game.  I’ve got a sneaky $5 on him to snap an Achilles 24 minutes in.  

Canterbury Bulldog vs St George Illawarra Dragons

St George were clinical last week in their destruction of the Sharks – they didn’t jump out to a 20-point lead and go into defensive mode, nor did they throw the ball around in an effort to score on every set – they stuck to their game plan, dug deep and came away with the two points.  Thanks to Channel Nine and Mitre 10.  I would love for them to do it again to the Bulldogs.  I have a feeling that after this round, they’ll be known as the Joel Monaghan Dragons, if you know what I mean.

Parramatta Eels vs Nth Queensland Cowboys

The Eels shocked the world with a win last week over a highly-fancied Penriff team, even resorting to some tactics straight from the Karate Kid (the original one, not the one with Will Smith’s ugly daughter son… holy shit, that’s a guy?).  I think the Cowboys will run riot on this one.  This one is probably the safest game in the round, just quietly.  Official "Put your house on it" approach from MEB.

Even the Manly Daly (see what they did there) couldn't make DCE look good.  "I laugh like a homicidal puppet and am married to the upset version of Reese Witherspoon!"

Settle down, Gold Coast Bulletin.  Calling someone a NSWelshman is going a bit too far.  We don't want him either.  

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