Another week, and another mixed bag of NRL shit. The “Days Without Incident” flip-chart was reset to “zero” after reaching a high point of “3 days” following the revelation that Parramatta halfback Chris Sandow took a car for a ‘test drive’ (circle work) in an ‘industrial area’ (car park), and was involved in a ‘single-car accident’ (smashed into the curb), and had to ‘leave the car there’ (abandon) to go and ‘play football’ (lose) and has subsequently been ‘rested’ (dropped) due to ‘form’ (off-field incidents).
In an unrelated (as far as we know) incident, Rooster/Warrior Roger Tuivasa-Sheck pulled an injured citizen out of a car that had crashed into a house. Tuivasa-Sheck reportedly tucked the civilian under one arm, side-stepped two ambulances and a fire engine before palming off a paramedic on his way to the hospital.
Cameron Smith proved that his eyesight is still perfect despite his ageing self during the Storm’s victory over the Eels last week, as he was able to find a Parramatta supporter in the crowd… and subsequently kicked a football at them, proving that he is still the best man to lead the Kangaroos and win the people’s hearts.
Issaac Luke found himself $10,000 poorer after he was reported for posting a homophobic tweet. Unfortunately for Luke, the only word he managed to spell correctly was “poofters.” I think the fine was a bit over-the-top – sorry, OTT – as he seems to have been punished more for being an idiot rather than a bigot. I’m pretty sure if he actually intended to be homophobic, he may have been a bit more explicit, with a lot more use of the magic word.
On the field, Konrad Hurrell was suspended for three weeks following a horrible collision with Anthony Tupou, who was left looking like a common Souths supporter as Hurrell’s high knees found Tupou’s jaw, resulting in smashed teeth and a pretty ordinary looking face. It’s bad news for Toops, but good news for science, as the age-old question of “what does Konrad Hurrell’s knee taste like?” has been answered:
|"Blood. Hurrell's knees taste like blood."|
Canterbury Bulldogs vs Sydney Roosters
For some reason, Channel 9 are advertising this game as the battle of the NRL’s most exciting halves, proving once again that Channel 9 are yet to watch a game of football. It will be interesting to watch Reynolds struggle, fail and self-destruct again though. Even though I don’t like them, the Chooks should stroll out to win this one.
Nth Queensland Cowboys vs Brisbane Broncos
In the real showdown of exciting halves, I’m tipping the Cows to upset the ladder-topping Broncs, as the Brissy defence will be put under some serious pressure from Thurston and Morgan, who has impressed in recent weeks. How fucking professional did that sound? Very. The answer is very.
Parramatta Eels vs New Zealand Warriors
Some have said that the Warriors have been horribly inconsistent this year; I think they have proved themselves to be consistently horrible. Eh? Eh? They’ll still beat the Eels though, because… well… Parramatta.
Gold Coast Titans vs Cronulla Sharks
The Titans proved to be lacking in the go department last week, and Greg Bird’s suspension dealt the team a real blow as they were unable to get over the line. The Tits will be up against it this weekend, but I think their defence will crack under pressure and the Sharkies will snuff them out.
Melbourne Storm vs South Sydney Rabbitohs
It was nice of Adam Reynolds and John Sutton to come in last week and steer the Rabbits to a much-needed victory. Not so nice of them to injure themselves again though. And even though I think the Storm are playing absolute dog’s balls (Billy Slater getting Man of the Match for last week’s game? Fuck off), it’s with one eye on the Bunnies’ injured list that I tip a Melbourne victory.
St George Illawarra vs Canberra Raiders
For two-and-a-half glorious hours last weekend, Canberra found themselves in the top 4. Now they find themselves on equal fifth, which is about a thousand places higher than anyone suspected this year (except me). The Green Machine are running strong at the moment, and the Dragons' defence is going to fall thanks to Canberra's Blake Austin, who is currently shredding opposition like a majestic, Nordic version of Laurie Daley on steroids.
Newcastle Knights vs Wests Tigers
Ummmmmmm I’ll tip the Knights. I think. I’m still not sure. I don’t know.
Manly Sea Eagles vs Penrith Panthers
Manly are still coming last. STILL. Sure, it’s only by one point on for-and-against, but still. Last. It’s a great moment that is all too fleeting, as I think the ol’ cheating Sea Eagles will get one up on the Pink Penny Panthers this week. All great things must come to an end… except my tipping, which went gangbusters last week.
|This is more impressive when you look at last week's results, not, you know, my overall standings.|