What a week in rugby league – New Zealand knocked the Aussies from top spot as world champions following a shemozzle of a Test match on Sunday that proved that not only are Australia quite fallible, but they’re also getting a bit shit at the ol’ game of “runtackleruntackleruntackleruntackleruntackleKICKfuckfuckfuck.” A lot of people knee-jerked their way to the selector’s couch and starting pointing fingers at the elder statesmen of the team, such as Greg Inglis (who turned 28 this year), Billy Slater (who wasn’t playing) and Jonathan Thurston (who actually played quite well, considering the fact that his halves partner was too busy looking like Toby Maguire from Spider-Man 3 and doing some kind of emo dance number with Ron Howard’s daughter to play footy or fight crime or try to impress Mary Jane Watson. And what was the deal with the landlord’s daughter in the Spider-Man movies? You know, the one that kept making Peter Parker cookies and bringing him milk?)
Hang on, I’ve fucking lost my train of thought completely. How bad was Spider-Man 3 though, seriously? I knew when it showed about twelve minutes of Kirsten Dunst and James Franco preparing to cook an omelette that we were in for some trouble.
Anyway, Australia lost the football. Inglis had a terrible game, but I don’t think he’s quite past it yet. I thought that Will Chambers on the wing had a pretty special debut Test match – special in the sense of it being a euphemism for being disabled. I don’t know if someone thought it would be a good idea to take all of the studs out of his shoes, or force him to soak his hands in vasoline all night, but it was a prank that didn’t pay off. There are a lot of other wingers in the comp who look like they’ve shown a lot more promise than this puppy. If he gets another chance, he’d better thank his greasy boots and limited ball control that he did.
In other league news, Greg Bird has officially crowned himself “Fuckwit of the Week” (again) by smashing some poor dickhead’s head into the ground and then saying, “Nuh, wasn’t me and shit hey.” But it was. Birdie copped 7 weeks for his troubles, ruling him out of State of Origin. YAY! If Bird and Gallen don’t play, it might even mean that the ball gets passed to someone who plays slightly further than one bloke on either side of the ruck.
Steve Matai also decided that it had been a few weeks too long since his last stint on the sidelines, so he went out of his way to find a new and interesting way to get suspended: Making contact with an official. The lazy fuck couldn’t even be bothered to just coat-hanger someone.
Brisbane vs Panthers
The Panthers are still struggling with injuries, and despite Jamie Soward making his comeback from a broken… uh fuck I don’t know… sternum? Sure why not… I don’t see them joining the winner’s circle this week. Brissy will be all over Penrith like unemployment, ice addiction and teenage pregnancy.
Roosters vs Tigers
Both teams are playing like balls. The Roosters will win, but it won’t be pretty. And fuck I hate James Maloney.
Raiders vs Titans
Three weeks in a row since the Raiders have lost. Sure, there were no games last weekend, but fuck it, we’ll take it. Canberra have sucked at home this year, but that’s all about to turn around.
Sharks vs Warriors
Ummm… Warriors. Look, don’t ask me why. Maybe because the Kiwis won the Test match last week and they’ll be all “hey bro, remember when we were good at footy hey? We can do it again.” Look, if you read that in a softly-spoken New Zealand accent, it seriously works. Don’t look at me like that.
Cowbs vs Dogs
Josh Reynolds is a deadset wanker. He has got to be the biggest deadshit going around the game right now. He never learns his lesson and he just has a face like a screwed up chamois once he gets put on report. What an infuriating gronk.
Manly vs Newcastle
Manly will move from last place if the amount of points that Parramatta (not in this game) lose by and that Manly wins by is more than 39. Maths, bitches. Stay in school, yeah? Also, Manly at Brookvale are hard to beat, as they're used to avoiding the gravelly parts of the field, and are oblivious to the used syringes and broken glass that makes up most of the oval.
Eels vs Storm
I guess the Storm will win this. But probably not by much, and I’m not terribly confident.
I even found a little movie for this game. Go me! (click above) On form, St George should win this by about 1700 points, which would be a strangely entertaining game. But that’s pretty unlikely to happen – the kicker’s foot would probably fall off somewhere around the 400 point mark anyway. I’m going to tip for the Bunnies to regain a semblance of form and grind out a win. But probably not by 1700 points. Probably.