Thursday, June 30, 2016

NRL 2016 - Round 17: Semi-watch

Phroar everyone’s eyes are firmly on the prize in the skies coming out of Fiji and whether Parramatta winger Semi Radradra will actually make it home this week to play in Parra’s game on Saturday night.  Coach Brad Arthur is somehow managing to keep a straight face as he continues to string everybody along, declaring last week that “Semi has just gone home to visit his dad; he’ll be back on Monday.”  On Monday, the Eels announced that they had “given Semi extended leave, he’ll be back for training on Wednesday” and when that didn’t happen, noted that “Semi will be back on Friday and ready for the game.”  
You know how you might say, "I'll just watch one more game of footy, then I'll make dinner," but in reality you watch four more games and nothing gets cooked?  Brad Arthur is currently doing that, but he is still watching footy instead of cutting up the potatoes, and is still insisting that yes, the oven is pre-heating and the gravy is just about ready.  It doesn't matter that you're standing in the kitchen and can see that there's nothing going on, Brad Arthur will swear that it just needs a pinch of salt and you'll be eating in five minutes.  
So we will just continue to wait for updates from Parramatta, and can no doubt look forward to statements such as "we expect Semi to make it in time to warm-up just before kick off on Saturday" and "we’ve given him permission to join the team at half time" followed by "Semi has promised to be there at the 80 minute mark” and "we expect Semi to trot out for golden point extra time" before the announcement of "Semi's agent says he will show up for the post-match press-conference."  Honestly, whoever is writing the Eels’ statements this year is the hardest working person in the NRL and deserves to be picked up and paid more by a French rugby club.  
Fuck it, Semi can either come home or fuck off, but he needs to stop dicking around with the fans and with the game (and with our hearts).  The Eels are in all kinds of shit this year, with Radradra being a rare beacon of light and hope for the future.  But having him fuck around with his “yes I’m playing, see you on Monday, sorry got held up, be in tomorrow, hang on, I’ll totes be there soon lol” really isn’t helping anyone.  The club gave him a career, signed him to a four-year contract when no one else wanted him, and gave him stability.  If he wants to fuck off, then fuck off – no one can begrudge the fact that he can make a shit tin more cash playing union in France – but show some respect to the contract that you signed, or just announce your fucking-offness.  Everyone else in Australia wants a better job that pays more too, but they usually give notice to their employers when it happens.  If Semi does a fucking dodgy on the Eels, his presence in Australian sporting media should be relegated to clips on the Wide World of Sports whenever he fucks up in union, and a spot at #12 on 20-to-1 when they go through “Pricks Who Fucked Off Without Telling Anyone.” 

For those playing along at home, here’s the Parramatta story from the last month: 
30 June Semi still not back.  

Fuck it, if it all goes to shit for Parra (likely), they can recap some lost money by selling this shitstorm to Home and Away.

Roosters vs Bulldogs

All year, the Roosters have been pissing and moaning about having players missing, suspended, injured, on drugs, in rehab, fucking dogs or in jail.  This week, they have named a full-strength side.  This is the fucking double-shot latte Roosters side that both fans have been crying for all year.  This will make it so much better when they have no excuses for losing by a solid dozen. 

Broncos vs Storm

This game has the potential to warm the loins of all NRL fans around the country.  On paper, the Bronx should take the biscuits, but on form, the Storm will piss this one in.  With Brissy coming off a heavy defeat last week, finding confidence against Melbourne is like finding a Newcastle player who has gone through puberty – very difficult and most likely illegal.

Warriors vs Titans

OH FUCK I DON’T KNOW.  I’ve changed my tip for this game about twelve times today, and even went so far as to look at who had been named for each side, and came to the conclusion that this game deserves the “Mister Evil Breakfast No One Fucking Cares” award for the week. 

Tiges vs Panthers

It’s a battle of the young guns this week, as Penrith halfback Nathan Cleary prepares to show Mitch Moses and Luke Brooks the true meaning of the phrase “teenage prodigy.”  The Tigers proved last week that they can almost chase down impossible scores, whereas the Panthers proved that they actually can win.  Ergo, logic - hence therefore, ergo factum Pythagoras quantum physics particles acceleration, the Panthers should win.  You can’t argue with science. 

Sharks vs Parra

Why would Parramatta want to ruin the perfect week by winning this game?  Sharks to hit a club record 11 straight wins and Parra fans to cry into their Peter Stirling wigs for a while longer. 

Raiders vs Knights

Can the Raiders beat the Bye this time around?  After a fucking rubbish performance earlier in the year and allowing the Knights to come away with a draw, Canberra will be looking to thoroughly destroy the Novacastrians in this epic rematch.  Look for the bloke in the crowd wearing his Raiders underpants on his head and doing laps of the ground in a blaze of glory and tries, because it might be me. 

Souths vs Cowbs

“South Sydney Rabbitohs” is an anagram of “Dishonesty Shabby Rout” and “North Queensland Cowboys” is “Consequently Bra Show Nod.”  I think this speaks volumes.  Also, their current positions on the NRL ladder.  And their form.  And put $5 on Adam Reynolds injuring himself again. 

Manly vs St George

Are we still counting down the games until Brett Stewart officially announces his retirement, or is he just going to piss on his career legacy until he gets fired?  The other match up in this fart-fest will be Benji Marshall vs Dylan Walker – if someone doesn’t keep track of who runs across the field the most, I will be utterly disappointed.

Fucken smash him

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