Friday, June 24, 2016

NRL 2016 - Round 16: The NRL Rumourmill

The NRL went all out to take the focus off New South Wales’ State of Origin team this week by spreading rumours, teasing Parramatta and forcing retirements, in a desperate bid to get some life back into the State of Origin contests. 
To start with, they pissed on Parramatta (again) by announcing that local hero, “Aussie” Semi Radradra had left the club to “chase his dreams” to play French rugby for a motza of money. This lead to me creating the character of $emi La Radra, a rich and softly-spoken Fijian who cycles down the Champs Elysees while wearing a stripey t-shirt with a French loaf in his bike basket and a ring of garlic around his neck, getting into all kinds of easily-avoidable situations arising from basic and obvious language barriers between French and English. 
In reality, however, Semi just went to Fiji to visit his family, because let’s face it, it’s no one’s dream to play French rugby.  When asked for comment, even French rugby players were quoted: “Oh huh huh, zis rugbee, eet ees so – ‘ow you szay – ze borring?  I weesh I could follow meh dreams to play for ze Parramaddah en Australie.  Zey pay you les millions et do nott esspect you to ween.”  So fuck it, I’ll just stop writing my stories about $emi and come up with a new one do my job.   
Ironically, the player who would have been most likely to benefit from Semi’s departure to France would have been a bloke by the name of French.  

Brisbane stalwart Corey Parker, in an effort to deflate the Maroon camp, decided to pull the pin on a great career, surprising players and fans alike.  His career stats are impressive to say the least, and many thought that he would play for another year at least, as his body seems to be holding up to the rigours of rugby league.  Parker admits his physical health is up to the challenge, but with four young children at home, named River, Memphis, Jagger and Wylei, a series of cognitive tests and MRIs confirmed every Queenslander's worst fears:  Parker is retarded. 
At the time of his announcement, Corey Parker’s stats stand as such:
  •         336 games for the Brisbane Broncos
  •         17 appearances for QLD
  •         1316 points scored
  •         1 Australia Service Medal 1939–45 for brave efforts in WWII
  •         1 Victoria Cross Medal for participation in the Franco-Prussian War of 1870

Wednesday night’s State of Origin continued the par-for-course story that everyone is used to, and in the end, nothing could help the Blues as Australia’s favourite losers did what losers do and lost again (albeit in a dimmer spotlight than usual).  And, like the mythological monster the hydra who would grow back several heads for each one that you cut off, NSW now have more questions than they know what to do with, and the closest thing they have to Hercules is Gus Gould.  It’s not looking pretty. 
Sports fans, journalists, armchair athletes, bloggers and players are all united to bring the NSW Blues out of the shit and into the winner’s circle, and have come up with a fool-proof plan to: (a) drop the entire team, remove the coach, take out the current systems that are in place, (b) keep a cool head and select experienced players who can lead the next generation of NSW representatives, (c) don’t change too much about the team, as they are building some momentum, (d) show loyalty to well-performed players and give faith to developing players (e) stop changing the combinations that exist, but experiment with new ones to find a good fit.
Fucking easy. 


Round 16

Panters vs Souths

In a desperate attempt to stop their season from outright exploding, the Bunnies bought a new player in Joe Burgess during the week.  At first thought, it was rumoured that Souths were trying to create a giant, retarded army who just repeat “burgers” and drop the ball a lot, but apparently he is of no relation to the current NRL Burgess clan of Sam, Tom, George and Luke.  “The Burgess Boys” sounds like they should be in an Enid Blyton novel about a bunch of kids who stop a smuggler with the help of a pet jackdaw. 

Knights vs Dragons

This game will be like watching a kid with no fingers trying to pick his nose.  Both teams should be forced to forfeit the match simultaneously, thus saving the Earth from the paradox of one team having to win. 

Sharks vs Warriors

I don’t care who’s missing because they tired themselves out from losing against Queensland, the Sharkies get my “Cannot Possibly Lose This Game” Award, despite recent good form from the spine of the Warriors.  They’ve had three wins on the trot, so it’s probably about time for them to fall apart again.

Bulldogs vs Broncos

Fuck it, I’m tipping the Broncos even though they have been sixteen kinds of shithouse during the Origin period so far.  Apparently “the other Morris” brother is making his return from injury for the first time this year for the Dogs, so that will be interesting, if that’s the kind of thing you’re into. 

Titans vs Raiders

CARN YOU RAIDERS – these teams are actually pretty similar in terms of their forward packs; big fucken guys you wouldn’t want to piss off who aren’t afraid to offload.  The last time they played, the Raiders won the forward battle and the Titans leaked points through the middle in the same way that the Raiders normally leak points out wide.  If Canberra can stick to the plan of “we have the best right-hand side attack in the entire NRL right now, let’s use them more than once per game” they should get back into the winner’s circle, and find themselves strangely just outside the top 4 WOOP WOOP.

Storm vs Tigers

Fucking fuck I hate the Storm, especially during Origin.  Last week, they were all like, “We’re only missing a few players” so I was all like, “Sweet, I’ll tip them,” and then they were all like, “Oh and a few other players are injured too” and I was all like, “Oh” and they were like, “Yeah and everyone else is out as well” and I was like, “Should I change my tips?” and they were like, “Yeah nah, it’s all good” and I was like, “Ok” and then they lost and I was all like, “Dude that was the only one I got wrong last week” and they were all like, “It’s cool brah, we won’t have anyone missing next week though seriously” and now I’m like, “Yeah ok” but I’m totes not convinced. 

Cowboys vs Manly

The NRL have given the Cowbs a leg-up with their post-Origin recovery by scheduling their game as far from when the final XXXX was downed, and giving them Manly as opponents.  With an out-of-form Brett Stewart expected to announce his retirement or deportment this week, Cherry-Evans making his comeback from syphilis and Steve Matai still pretending that he’s too injured to play, this should be a piece of piss for our North Queensland friends.

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