2016 has so far been the poster boy for “Close Games”, if a year is capable of being put onto posters. And whenever a game is decided by only a handful of points, the loss is naturally attributed to a shithouse decision made by the referee. The referee instinctively uses the “we’re only human” defence, whereby the losing team retorts with “and a rubbish human at that” and then it just turns into a name-calling match and everyone retracts invitations to each other’s birthday parties.
For example, in the Sharks vs Nth Queensland blockbuster on Monday night, there were something like 11 penalties in the first 18 minutes, and an additional two instances of teams being ‘marched’ a further ten metres for saying “what the fuck?” to the ref. Only human? Get fucked, dickhead idiot prostitutes.
But then I thought… what if these referees are just like us after all, looking for their place in the world, looking to make a difference, looking for companionship and love? So I did the only logical thing I could, and signed each referee up to Grindr to see if I could get them some human interaction.
Don’t talk to me unless you’re the captain.
Likes: Ignoring touch judges
Dislikes: The Bunker, whinging wingers and centres.
Motto: If you’re gonna be shit, be shit to both teams.
|I love it when Ray Warren pronounces Daniel Tupou as "Too Poo"|
I’m blowing Origin game 2, bitches!
Likes: The ads for KFC on the video referee. The sound of my whistle.
Dislikes: Flowing games.
Motto: My name is Gerard. That says enough.
I look good. I look very good.
Likes: Whistles! Bunker! Me! I alsho like tawking lyk dish.
Dislikes: Contemporary rules.
Motto: Double checking the onside ruling. And just check for any obstruction, and make sure the grounding is okay too. Check his parking and his engine while you're there.
Fuck the Raiders.
Likes: The Broncos, Cowboys, Titans, Dragons, Knights, Bulldogs, Sharks, Storm, Warriors, Roosters, Sea Eagles, Rabbitohs, Panthers, Tigers
Dislikes: Ricky Stuart, Ricky-Stuart-based teams
Motto: The Raiders can still lose it from here. Don’t worry, I’ve got this.
|Don't tell anyone, but I am tripping balls right now|
Roses are red
This poem is bad
What rhymes with red?
What rhymes with bad?
Dislikes: Watching football
Motto: My name is actually Kevin, but I prefer to be called Shayne. Don’t forget that Y.
|When did that replay screen get here?|
The best part of being a referee? Easy – you can get into the ground for free.
Likes: Colour and movement
Dislikes: Counting all the way to six, loud noises.
Motto: Last tackle means different things to different people.
I’m the State of Origin referee? Can I just check the video ref on that decision?
Likes: Talking to Cameron Smith, going out for KFC with the Bunker.
Motto: I’m pretty sure that was a try, but Cameron Smith just wants you to review it.
Souths vs Parramatta
Good on Souths for getting rid of the dead weight that is Greg Inglis and Adam Reynolds and dropping them to rep level. Hopefully now we can get a decent contest out of watching two struggling clubs try and drown each other to stay alive for another two minutes. Even if it’s not an entertaining league match, there’s always the additional game-within-a-game that is “Who will Nathan Brown kill this week?”
St George vs Melbourne
Melbourne. Just because.
Warriors vs Roosters
Well… Shaun Kenny-Dowell is back for the Roosters, so that’s a good thing, I guess. I mean, it can’t really get much worse than losing by a billion to the Storm like last week, right? Unfortunately, it can – losing to the Warriors by about the same.
Titans vs Manly
Manly lost an unloseable match from an unloseable position last week – it’s almost as if the Sea Eagles had forgotten to throw the game before the 60th minute by giving up a 20-point lead to lose by seven. This week, Nate Myles is mercifully out – replaced by young debutant Liam Knight, who made headlines earlier in the year by spraying Aerogard into his own mouth to avoid a high range drink driving charge. I look forward to a long and fruitful career of an upstanding member of society in what will no doubt be the first of many clubs.
The Raiders went down to Brisbane last week by eight points, in a game that they could easily have won if they weren’t hypnotised by the Bronco’s fullback Darius Fucking Boyd doing the same thing THREE FUCKING TIMES IN A ROW to score identical tries: run kind of straight. Darius Boyd does not step, nor does he swerve. He literally stops, changes direction on the spot and then runs straight ahead again, like the character from King’s Quest.