NRL Representative Round - the "ANZAC" test

It’s the ANZAC Test tonight – that’s right, two weeks after ANZAC Day, and two weeks after the ANZAC NRL round.  I like to think that the NRL schedule is decided by a bunch of five Channel 9 executives, as they head to the pub for a counter lunch the Friday before the season begins.  Once they have decided their schnitzel vs parmiagana debate (schnitzel wins), they grab a Keno pencil and, on the back of a betting slip, get cracking on scheduling some games. 

• Friday night is Broncos night.  Check.  Make sure that they always play Souths, the Roosters or Canterbury.
• The Titans and Knights can alternate playing on Saturdays and Mondays because fuck them, that’s why.

It’s at this point that there’s a bit of pencil tapping on the table and a few beads of sweat forming on foreheads.  Another round of drinks is ordered and a couple of punts are placed on the trots.  

“Maybe a themed round or two?” someone suggests.

Fucking brilliant.          

• The Heritage Round and the Rivalry Round, despite half the competition not having any heritage or rivalries. 

“How about a sponsored round?” 

Now you’re talking, and it’s my shout again. 

• Marvel Superhero Round and the Superman round.

“Best not to forget the minorities,” suggests one of the suits, who keeps burping against the back of his hand. 

• Indigenous Round. 
• Women in League Round. 

“Alright boys, this shit is writing itself.  I’m going to take a piss and head out for a dart.  Fill in the blanks at random.”

The rest of the day is spent reliving sporting prowess of years gone by, how they could still pull chicks and who would win in a fight between the Melbourne Storm and the Gold Coast Titans mascots. 

They’re just about to pile into a taxi to head to a strip club when some bright spark yells, “SHIT WE FORGOT ABOUT THE FUCKING ANZAC ROUND.”

By now, the betting slip is soaked in beer, falling apart and hard to read.  “Jus’ stick it in Representative Round,” some bright spark pipes up. 

• And thus, the proud heritage of the ANZAC Test lives on. 

The game itself is shaping up to be a waste of fucking time as well.  Half the New Zealand team are injured, out of form, unavailable or stood down due to drug and alcohol suspensions.  

NRL rule #1: If you’re not Joey Johns or Freddie Fittler, don’t party like you are. 

To compensate for the lack of quality Kiwi players, Australia have picked a team so raw that Pete Evans wouldn’t touch it, and so out of form that Laurie Daley isn’t even considering them for Origin. 

Josh Dugan plays fullback for his shithouse club, but is playing in the centres for Australia.  Greg Inglis plays fullback for his club, but in the centres for his country.  Just quietly, he doesn’t deserve to be running drinks for either.  Cooper Cronk is believing his own hype.  Blake Ferguson is… fucked.

Honestly, I’m like an 18-year old girl about this, like I can’t even. 

Australia by 19, if anyone cares.

Recipe of the day

Ever wanted to knock up some grilled cheese but couldn't be arsed firing up the griller?  Here's four simple steps to an easier snack:

3 Minute Toaster Grilled Cheese recipe

• ·         Put a couple slices of cheese in between 2 pieces of bread
• ·         Put in toaster slot and press down button
• ·         Wait for it to pop up. If stuck, force the button up or use a knife to jiggle it out
• ·         Make some extra for the firemen

Daily One-Liner

I like the word "shoehorn." You can pretty much use it in any sentence.

Thought of the day

Sometimes when you empty out your ice tray, there's a cube or two that get stuck.  Leave them be.  They're God's ice cubes and he needs them for his scotch.

Thought of the day

Pseudo-ephedrine is actually a lot cheaper to buy in meth form.

Thought of the day

Knowing that mixing yellow paint and blue paint to make green paint really hasn't come in as handy as kindergarten promised that it would.

One-liner of the day

Did you hear that two people died at the drive-in theatre last night?

They went to see 'Closed for the Season' and froze to death.

NRL 2016 - Round 9: Blame that guy

A lot of action off-field in the NRL has overshadowed the fact that Canberra Raiders fans have discovered an alternative to Viagra – watching their team put on 60 points over the Tigers.  WOOOOOO boners aplenty in the nation’s capital this week, my friends.  Aw yeah.

The NRL has declared referees to be official enemy #1 to all teams, but most specifically the Roosters, who keep getting penalised for breaking the rules of the game.  It’s a shocking way to treat the team, and both of their fans are very upset by it.  Then again, if I’d just lost to the Dragons, I’d probably be looking at someone else to blame too.  Like, what the fuck is with that ball?  What kind of fucking shape is that?  I DEMAND TRAPEZOIDAL PARALLELOGRAM SHAPED BALLS.  I can’t decide how the refereeing community will take this blame – they might all put their whistles away and let the players just beat each other to death, or they will blow penalties on every.fucking.tackle just to prove a point.  

Off-off-field, the Eels have joined the ranks of the Dogs and the Storms in their dodgy book-keeping skills, and are set to lose competition points for deliberately fucking their salary cap.  This has changed them from being a certified “Premiership Contender” to a “they’ll probably still make it, to be honest.”  I am a massive fan of salary cap breaches though, and love hearing about how Newcastle and the Tigers managed to spend excess of a bazillion dollars to keep Jarrod Mullen and Dickfingers Moses from leaving the club. 

“Well guys, we just got beaten by 40 points again, but in good news, Mitch is now earning $700,000 a year.  He’s probably the most successful kid in his year 11 class.”

Or maybe they just need to be smarter about dodgy player payments, like the Cowboys, and don’t have “Dodgy Player Payments” as Item 3 on your meeting agenda.

Round 9 NRL tips

Bunnies vs Tigers

The Rabbitohs have just three wins from the first eight games, which really doesn’t bode well for them, but interestingly they are at a similar point as they were in 2014 – the year they won the premiership.  However, if they can’t beat the Tigers this week, they might as well kiss the rest of the season goodbye.  It would be nice if at least one player (from either team) put in somewhere near a 70% effort.

Parra vs Doggies

The Dogs struggled all the way against the Titans last week, and while the Eels let the scoreline blow out against the Cowboys, they are still my secret crush team at the moment.  Basically because of Semi Radradra and Junior Paulo.  Fucking hell, what were Paulo’s parents thinking when they named him?  The guy is about 12 feet tall and weighs as much as six elephants.  Junior?  Please. 

Panthers vs Mighty Fucking Raiders

Penrith have made a habit of losing games by two points in the 79^th minute this year.  This week, that will all change as the Raiders put them away as early as 75 minutes in.  Incidentally, this game marks only the second time that the Penny’s spine has played together in the last 40 games. I guess it's also the first game since about 1912 that they have put a “full strength” side on the field.  Penrith will be too busy doing group introduction exercises to worry about football this week.  From last week’s demolition of the Tigers, Canberra would have learned that tackling = good and scoring = better.  Raiders by a dozenty. 

Chooks vs Knights

The Roosters welcome back perennial cunt Mitchell Pearce from suspension and Jared Waerea-Hargreaves from injury for the first time this year.  After losing to St George, they will have something to prove – my tip goes to them, but I’d fucking love for them to lose again, especially to fellow shit-dwellers Newcastle.  No offence, Knights, but you guys are the suckiest sucks who ever sucked.  Damn weiner Knights.    

Manly vs Cowbs

Well, it will be (mildly) interesting to see if Jamie Lyon’s retirement announcement will inspire his troops to perform for about 20 minutes before they fall in a heap and the Cows trample them like the demon bovine assassins that they are.  This match is pretty close to the “No Fucks Given” game of the round.  But I’ll save that one for…

Warriors vs St Merge

THIS PIECE OF SHIT gets the official “No Fucks Given” match of the round.  I’d be surprised if the ref even bothers to turn up.  Here are some things that people would rather do than watch this game: sit next to Grant Hackett on an international flight; watch Daryl Somers’ new show; have a drink with Todd Carney; get Tara Brown to pick up their kids for them.  For those who do choose to watch, get ready to see the ball do more metres on the ground than most of the players.

Titans vs Storm

Normally when people go to the Gold Coast to see a pair of tits, they usually don’t mean the two Titans fans in attendance.  This year, the Storm are sloppy; the halves are easily confused and consistently panic with the ball, the outside backs are either rocks or diamonds, and their forward pack is mainly made up of giant Kiwis.  It’s almost like the Warriors, but the Storm actually manage to occasionally win games. 

Sharks vs Horses

I love how no matter which sponsor has the rights to Cronulla’s home ground, it’s always just called “Shark Park.”  When the ground is full, they put up a sign on the front gate that says “Fuck off, we’re full.”  Instead of buying tickets to get in, you can show your Southern Cross pec tat, ‘Such is Life’ script across your neck tat, or the “Aussie-flag-busting-through-skin” shoulder tat to gain entrance.  But anyway – about the footy.  If the Avengers came up against Brisbane right now, they would lose.  If Elvis was ever as good as them right now, they would have renamed Earth in his honour.  Milford and Hunt are supernatural.  Corey Oates’ official residence is “Over the try line.”  Brisbane will stop dominating when they are good and ready.  And they aren’t ready just yet.

If Brisbane are the Avengers, Jack Reed is Hawkeye

Daily one-liner

I have always wanted to build a door, so I could make a good entrance.

NRL 2016 - Round 7: McFadden? More like... Mc... Fucked. Eh?

Almost two months gone in the regular NRL season, and we’ve got a front-runner for “Coach Most Likely to be Sacked First” – let’s try not to get too attached to NZ Warriors coach Andrew McFadden, who has been running his team about the same way that I performed in SuperCoach comps a few years back, which was by entering my tips in once and then forgetting about it.

Luckily (?) for Fads this week, he has finally decided to change a few things up and has moved his half-line around by bringing in Tuimoala “Can I Buy A Vowel” Lolohea at five-eighth to partner Shaun “Girlfriend” Johnson at his preferred half-back position.  This is an interesting move as the Warriors have long described Tui as the club’s future long-term half, but have played him on the wing and as centre so far this year. 

If the Warriors lose another one this week, I’d say that McFads might find himself on the Centrelink line next week.  With a pretty decent spine that closely resembles the New Zealand national team, they have no excuses not to be doing a whole lot better than they are.  Key recruits from last year Roger Tuivasa-Sheck and Issac “the Human Pudding” Luke might need to find some form and fitness pretty soon (and also learn how the whole “tackling” thing works), or they’ll have to start selling themselves on the streets of Auckland just to be able to afford fush n chups for dunner.  And no one wants to tonk a fullback who can’t tackle. 

Other contenders for “Shit Coach” are Paul “Mary” McGregor and Jason “Fuckwit” Taylor from St George and Wests respectively.  But they’re safe for at least another three games because they have shit teams to work with anyway.

Round 7

Manly vs Parra

Parramatta played out of their balls last week against the Raiders, and will look to former Sea-Eagle Kieran Foran for another smashing.  Manly know his game well, and have a great opportunity to upset the Eels.  But they won’t, because they’re shit.

Cowboys vs Rabbitohs

Souths fans everywhere will be breathing a sigh of relief into their huffing bag as Adam Reynolds makes his comeback from a broken jaw from round 1.  Is that seriously how long a broken jaw takes to mend?  I would have thought longer.  Despite the Bunnies officially having a kicking game again, they’re too underdone to worry anyone right now. 

Tits vs St Merge

FUN FACT OF THE DAY:  Canberra Raiders captain Jarrod Croker has scored more points this year than the St George team as a whole.  I have a funny feeling that the Dragons might finally get onto the board after a slew of donuts, but I still don’t think it’ll be enough.  Props to the St George fan who takes his “GST” banner with him everywhere though.  It’s still not funny, but full credit to you, son.

Bulldogs vs Warriors

The Warriors have sparked their team with some key inclusions in the half-line… but I don’t see it being enough.  Through sheer determination, hard defence, cheating and untraceable drugs, the Doggies have my stamp of approval.

Broncos vs Knights

The Knights managed to win last week.  Good for them.  The Broncos kind of do that a bit regularly, so they probably wouldn’t have celebrated like it was 1999 all week. 

Raiders vs Sharkies

Ah you Raiders, always keeping us guessing.  Up one week, down the next.  Smash the Bulldogs, get rolled by the Eels.  Draw with the Dragons, lose to the Titans.  Fuck.  Whatever, they’ll win this game because the Sharks are dicks.

Tigers vs Storm

It’s the official “No one Gives A Shit About” game of the round.  I can’t fucking tip either of these teams, they keep turning it around and fucking me.  This should be a draw.  13-all. 

Roosters vs Penrith

Oh wait, it’s the official “Oh It’s Another One That Seriously No one Gives A Shit About” game of the round.  It was disappointing to see the Roosters get off their winless season with a victory over the Bunnies last weekend, but here’s hoping that the Panthers (who choose to lose most of their games by 2 points in the last minute of the game) will keep them at the bottom of the ladder.  St George fans are just happy that they’re somehow not the worst team (statistically) so far this year.  

I don't know where he's trying to kick the ball, but I doubt it's going to end up there

NRL 2016 - Round 6: Back to Normality

Holy fucking shit, what an absolute fucking clusterfuck of NRL over the last couple of rounds.  Completely fucked.  I had to take a few weeks off blogging just to get over how fucked it was (I didn’t, really). 

We’ve seen the premiership favourites fall to the Panthers, the Panthers go down to the Dragons and the Dragons knock off Souths, who are happily continuing their decline from 2015.  If this form continues, they’re looking like they’ll be kicked out of the NRL again by 2018.  I would like George Clooney or Joseph Gordon-Levitt to throw some money at them next time (no offence, Rusty). 

On the flip-side of that, Parramatta are looking like honest-to-Fijesus premiership contenders… .  Keiran Foran is in good nick, and whenever there's trouble, just give the ball to Semi Radradra (who has a great name to type, btw) to fuck some shit up.  Also, keep it away from ol’ dick-fingers Gutherson, who fucks everything he touches.

You know there’s some serious football being played when people are concentrating on State of Origin (since Round 2) instead of talking about which dickhead took which drugs and hit which other dickhead and why were they at a nightclub at 4am on a Monday morning anyway what kind of role models are these people they get paid too much and they should all be sacked. 

Sorry, I think my mum just hacked my blog. 

  

The Raiders won the game and had clear results on their prostate exams. 

Round 6

Broncos vs Dragons

Should be a gimme for the Broncos – they really should sneak home by about 30 or 40 points without breaking a sweat.  The Dragons will be relying on Benji Marshall and Josh Dugan to get points, so they’re pretty well fucked from the get-go.

Bunnies vs Eastern Suburb Roosters

Greg Inglis is an absolute liability at the moment and should probably turn up to a game before he smokes a thousand bongs.  That said, if there’s ever a team to play you into some form, the Roosters are ideal.  Plenty of pressure for the Rabbits to keep the latte-sipping gronks from Bondi winless for the year.  Seriously, whichever team lets the Roosters win will be the most hated team in the comp.  Here’s hoping it’s Manly.

Parramatta vs Mighty Canberra Raiders

It seems that somewhere around Round 4, someone showed the Raiders how to tackle, and they said "Yeah, okay we’ll give that a go."  This will be a cracker of a game, and probably should have made it to the Sunday afternoon televised match instead of the Spasticbowl that is Knights vs Tigers.  Close one to call, but I’m afraid I have to slap a reluctant $5 on the Eels.

Warriors vs Manly

Fuck the Warriors for making life too fucking difficult.  They should win, because… well… fuck Manly, right?  MANLY FACT OF THE DAY:  Brett Stewart has never lost against a New Zealand team.  The Sea Eagles will also be bolstered by the fact that Daly Cherry Evans isn’t playing for them. Fuck it, gotta lose some time, Bretty. 

Panthers vs Cowboys

PANTHERS FACT OF THE DAY:  They have gone for one whole week without an injury.  Expect Matt Moylan to be stretchered off around 30 minutes in.  Penrith are like Josh-Reynolds-at-the-scrum for top-eight sides this year (a pain in the arse, amirite?), but I am still tipping the Cows to win this game in a close one.  Look for Morgan to work a little magic in the last ten minutes to seal the deal.

Cronulla vs Titans

The Sharks should pretty much be the perpetual owners of the “Who Gives A Fuck?” badge, and when you throw in the Titans as well, you’ve got a double dose of no fucks being given. 

Knights vs Tigers

Make that four fucks not being given.  There hasn’t been such a no-fuck event like this since I was in high school.

Storm vs Doggies

The Dogs always turn up to play the Storm, but Melbourne are Monday night specialists.  Add the fact that both teams are out of form, and you’ve got a dead-set coin flip to pick this one. I flipped my coin and dropped it down the drain so now I don't know how I'm going to get home.  

NRL 2016 Round 3: Poor Billy

The news that no rugby league fan (except me) wanted to hear:  Billy Slater requires another round of surgery on his shoulder and is expected to miss the next six to eight months of the season, aka. the fucking rest of it.

Billy Slater is already a decorated rugby league star, with a host of Australian and Queensland representative duties, including the coveted Wally Lewis Medal in 2010, the 2011 Dally M award, the Clive Churchill Medal, the 2008 Golden Boot award and the winner of Australia’s Greatest Athlete in 2009 and 2010.  Such is the hunger of the great man that he wants more, and is looking to win his inaugural medal for “playing the least games this season” after making a comeback in round 2 and opting to watch the rest from the sidelines/hospital bed. 

This could mean that retirement is a year closer for the Storm fullback, although suggesting that he’s injury prone is just plain wrong – the only times that he has been injured since 2003 have been a broken collarbone in 2012, knee surgery in 2013 and 2014 and a shoulder operation last year.  “Injury prone?” scoffs Billy, as he contemplates life after football from his 330-foot yacht.  “Not me… not unless you count the last five seasons.” 

We’ll miss you, Bill.  Some of us more than others, obviously.

If you can't stop the man, try to rip his hands off instead

Round 3

Cowboys vs Roosters

The Cowboys came crashing down to earth with an unexpected loss last week, while the Roosters failed once again to close out a game.  I actually don’t care who wins this one, but it would be nice to see the Chooks carry on their winless record. 

Bulldogs vs Parramatta

Both teams have provided some Jekyll and Hyde performances so far this year, so it will depend on who the fuck turns up.  The Dogs will be bolstered by Klemmer’s reprieve from the judiciary for touching a referee last week.  It’s just nice that for once no one from Canterbury was cited for touching a drunk underage girl. 

Knights vs the Mighty Canberra Raiders RAAA

God bless the Knights; they’re the new Bye round.  Dickfingers Uate is injured and Feeney has been dropped to bring in Newcastle’s secret weapon:  COREY DENNISS.  Eighteen years old.  A veteran of five Holden Cup games.  Superfluous double letters in his surname.  I’m pretty sure that coach Nathan Brown is just assuming that the Raiders will forfeit in fear of the potential destruction that this kid may have. 

Penrith vs Broncos

The Panthers are going so poorly that they can’t even get a televised game against the Broncos.  The Broncos are still so boring that Channel 9 couldn’t be fucked putting them on Friday nights any more. 

Titans vs Wests Tigers

James Tedesco is often referred to as “the next Billy Slater”.  Considering that Teddy has spent the first three years of his career injured, I’d say that’s pretty accurate.  The Titans are equivalent to the Adelaide Rams.  Yeah, I went there.

Warriors vs Melbourne

No matter how shit the Warriors appear, they always pull something out of somewhere when they play Melbourne.  And Konrad Hurrell is back to knee some bastard in the face.

St George vs Rabbitohs

Holy shit, what is going on with St George so far this year?  Training for the Dragons this week has consisted of lubing up and grabbing their own ankles in anticipation of this match.  Look for Dugan to clutch at his hamstring (again) as soon as the game is out of reach.  In this case, about six minutes after kick-off.

Manly vs Sharks

The loser of this game should be forced to remove their Southern Cross tattoos.  And that team will be Manly.  MY GOD it’s so good to see Manly and Easts propping up the bottom of the ladder.  

ROUND 2 NRL 2016 – Doing the Gallen

A great round of football in Round 1 was slightly overshadowed by the fact that every single player was stretchered off the field with injury; in many cases the use of multiple stretchers for individual players’ dismembered body parts was required.  Most players have been stapled back together for the second week of what could possibly be the longest season of their lives.  Except for Paul Gallen, who has opted for his usual “play for thirty minutes, come off for eight weeks, play for NSW, sit out the rest of the year” ploy.  No wonder he’s the captain.  With a work ethic like that, he should be running the NRL.  Or even be Australia’s Prime Minister.  Under Paul Gallen PM, “Yeah nah, youse get the day off” would adorn bumper stickers, tote bags and singlets all over this great big fucking hot country every 26 January.  And he’d encourage us to have the 27^th off as well.  And if that’s a Thursday, I’m not fucking bothering coming in just for a Friday.  No one could possibly dig that deep.   

So yeah, the NRL is back.

Round 2:

Panthers vs Doggies

The Dogs impressed so much last week that I’m surprised that no one has called them drug cheats yet.  Rapists, thugs, shaved gorillas, but not drug cheats.  I also think there will be a headline about Will Smith and Will Hopoate saying “Battle of Wills.”

Broncos vs Warriors

The Warriors sat and played with themselves for an entire half in Round 1, with Issaac Luke and Roger Tuivesa-Shek too busy counting their money to bother playing. The Broncos should win this one, but hopefully the Kiwis will pick up a bit from last week.  Either way, Shaun Johnson will destroy Milford in attack (and in my heart).

Raiders vs Roosters

Canberra will go into this game without their halves pairing after Blake Austin chewed his own leg off and Aiden Sezer was struck in the face by a crossbow (or something), but that shouldn’t slow down the MIGHTY CANBERRA RAIDERS who will treat the Chooks like I treat cyclists on the road – as if they’re not there and like I’m driving my wife’s car.  I love that crunching noise. 

Souths vs Knights

Souths have lost Adam Reynolds to a broken jaw and John Sutton to a torn pectoral, which may give Newcastle fans some hope… who am I kidding?  It wouldn’t matter if Fat Russell Crowe turned up to play, the Knights still wouldn't have a chance, even with the twelve-minute stoppage for a smoke rule.  Although it’s nice that they have gone from being the oldest team in the world last year to one with seven players who are too young to appear in the under 20s comp.

Parra vs Cowboys

Kieran Foran will play his first game in blue and gold this week after jumping ship from Manly.  Nothing like taking on the best team in the comp as a first hit-out with a new club after coming back from surgery, huh Kieran? 

Sharks vs St George

Well done to the NRL for putting in an official “Who gives a fuck?” game each round. 

Tigers vs Manly

I spoke too soon.  Well done to the NRL for putting in two “Who gives a fuck?” games each round.  Just kidding, it would be great to see Manly lose two in a row.  While the Tigers looked impressive in Round 1 (and Manly not so much), I’m tipping an upset and am ACTUALLY TIPPING MANLY TO WIN. 

Melbourne vs Titans

I have a sneaking suspicion that the Titans are somehow going to win this one.  Probably through cheating or dodgy sports betting by the Storm or unlucky injuries or a paid-off referee.  But not through playing good football.

Our future Prime Minister adding his contribution up: exactly 110% was given

NRL 2016 - Round 1: The cricket season is over

It has been a long, long off-season for NRL fans.  We’ve tried to fill that void in our lives with three forms of cricket, NFL, tennis, soccer and golf (I was pretty hungover and couldn't reach the remote control), but to no avail.  Some have even gone to the extreme of watching rugby union, and marvelled at the amazing skill of at least two players who could kick the ball into the seventeenth row of a grandstand and then clap themselves for it. 

But for the more civilised among us (the league fans), the wait is over.  No longer do we need to try and replace this glorious game with weak imitations of “well I guess you might call it” sport.  Our heroes are back on the field, and by fuck did we miss them.

Like Mitchell Pearce, who returns from “rehab” to sit on the bench for the next twelve weeks, or hopefully in time to play the Bulldogs. 

The Bulldogs are back to promise it all and deliver little (will that change this year?  Mbye, Mbye not), and to confuse everyone by playing the Morris twins on the same side of the field. 

Sam Burgess is back from sitting on the bench (clapping) to fuck some shit up with his monstrous head.  The other Burgesses are back to just fuck up and ride some coat tails, mostly for other clubs.  

Parramatta are back and have fielded a surprisingly strong side for the year, bolstered by the career-ending injury to Anthony Watmough during the off-season.  Running sideways slowly and missing tackles are officially 2015 trends. 

Matt Moylan keeps saying he’ll be back, but is probably happy to sit back and be pretty and earn a shit tin from Penrith for not playing.  In the meantime, Will Smith will be playing fullback.  WILL SMITH, everybody.  Nobody?  Fuck you all.  No, fuck you.

Ray Warren is back for a final year to basically ignore the game he’s commentating to talk about Percy Fairall, the fearless St George forward from the 1930s.  Sterlo is back to confuse Michael Jennings with every other black player in the competition.

Greg Bird is back so we can hate someone with enough passion that he might as well play for Manly.  Manly is back so we can wonder exactly what Jamie Lyon is doing there, and then wonder if we actually like Jamie Lyon or not.  The Roosters keep wondering why people hate Manly more than they hate the Roosters.  Me too, Roosters.  Me too.  Stupid Manly though.

Jonathan Thurston is back to laugh at unfunny things to make them funny.  The rest of the Cowboys are probably also back for the season, but no one really knows who they are.

St George will return to spectacularly underwhelm even themselves, at the same time keeping the tattoo:not tattooed skin ratio well in favour of the tatts. 

Cameron Smith is back to ensure we all know why he is right and how everyone else is out of touch.  Billy Slater is back to remind us of how good he once was and how a "nice guy" can still be one of the dirtiest players in the league.  Those players won’t kick themselves in the face, Billy.

Ricky Stuart is back to reignite the “I can kick a chair further than you” contest with Josh Reynolds. 

Speaking of coaches, they’re (kind of) all back as well – at least for Rounds 1-3, when the new season of the controversial new reality TV series “Frankenstein’s coach” begins, starring Trent Barrett and Andrew McFadden. 

Edrick Lee is back to look a lot more impressive than he actually is, but that’s fine because he’d probably kick the shit out of me if I actually said that to him. 

Sam Thaiday is back, but only after Corey Parker and Josh McGuire get there first. 

Aaron Woods is back, hey man?  …yeah.  Like… yeah.

Paul Gallen is back to ensure that each game is won or lost in the forward line and fuck up another Sharks’ season.  It’s a bold strategy for a captain to take.

Konrad Hurrell is back to remind us that he’s built like a fridge and moves just as gracefully.  Shaun Johnston is back.  That’s all that matters.  I love you, Shaun.

Newcastle are back.  Yay, I guess. 

The Titans return for another year to give every fan a chance to say “well, it could be worse.”  Obviously except for the Titans fans, but they don’t really have any.

The referees are back to make sure that the video ref is the most overworked man in Australia and the touch judges just don’t matter.

And I am back to take you through another season of NRL, to take you to the prescription drug highs of South Sydney to the dog-fucking couch-pissing lows of the Roosters.  The who’s who, the what’s that, the fuck off you fucking fuckwits – I’ll be with you most steps of the way except for when I’m away or couldn’t be fucked and stuff.  You know, kind of like how Josh Papalli plays.

Round 1, bitches

Parramatta vs Brisbane

Despite a much-improved line-up, the new boys at Parra will still struggle against a Brissy outfit still pissed off about losing the granny and having half their squad booted from the emerging Origin stars camp for being fuckwits. 

Manly vs Canterbury

You’re not meant to tip against Manly at Brookvale, but it’s Manly, so… you know. 

Canberra vs Penrith

Should be no fucking problem for the Mighty Fucking Raiders to get their premiership charge started with a thumping win by at least 8 points.  Put a sneaky fiver on Boyd and Vaughan to cross the stripe. 

Tigers vs Warriors

The Warriors are my bolters for a top-four spot this year.  The Tigers… yeah, not so much. 

North Queensland vs Cronulla

You know, I still don’t think I rate North Queensland that much, despite them winning the NRL and the Super League challenge, and defeating Thanos and Ultron in the off-season.  But apparently they’re quite, quite good.

Roosters vs Souths

The Chooks had a pretty shit off-season, losing half a dozen players to other clubs, domestic violence charges and dog-fucking allegations.  Souths had a pretty shit year last season, but I have a funny feeling they’ll bounce back a whole lot better than the Rooters.

Gold Coast vs Newcastle

Fuck, this is what the NRL have decided is a Round 1 season-opener?  I think Sport will be the winner here.

Melbourne vs St George

I don’t see the Storm as contenders this year – or any year, really; even the years that they won – but I see St George even less so.  Let’s just hope no one gets hurt, outside of Billy Slater and Josh Dugan.  Oh alright, and Will Chambers.

If you squint, you might be able to read the 2016 draw to see when the Titans play the Tigers.  But you'll have to squint pretty fucking hard

The butterfly effect

Who the hell figured out how butterflies work? Was there just someone randomly in the right place at the right time, or was someone deliberately following a caterpillar around like "this bug is up to something cool and I know it."

Sheer luck

Everybody knows Sherlock Holmes but no one knows anyone whose name is actually Sherlock.

And Signourney Weaver's name is weird as shit too.