A great round of football in Round 1 was slightly overshadowed by the fact that every single player was stretchered off the field with injury; in many cases the use of multiple stretchers for individual players’ dismembered body parts was required. Most players have been stapled back together for the second week of what could possibly be the longest season of their lives. Except for Paul Gallen, who has opted for his usual “play for thirty minutes, come off for eight weeks, play for NSW, sit out the rest of the year” ploy. No wonder he’s the captain. With a work ethic like that, he should be running the NRL. Or even be Australia’s Prime Minister. Under Paul Gallen PM, “Yeah nah, youse get the day off” would adorn bumper stickers, tote bags and singlets all over this great big fucking hot country every 26 January. And he’d encourage us to have the 27th off as well. And if that’s a Thursday, I’m not fucking bothering coming in just for a Friday. No one could possibly dig that deep.
So yeah, the NRL is back.
Panthers vs Doggies
The Dogs impressed so much last week that I’m surprised that no one has called them drug cheats yet. Rapists, thugs, shaved gorillas, but not drug cheats. I also think there will be a headline about Will Smith and Will Hopoate saying “Battle of Wills.”
Broncos vs Warriors
The Warriors sat and played with themselves for an entire half in Round 1, with Issaac Luke and Roger Tuivesa-Shek too busy counting their money to bother playing. The Broncos should win this one, but hopefully the Kiwis will pick up a bit from last week. Either way, Shaun Johnson will destroy Milford in attack (and in my heart).
Raiders vs Roosters
Canberra will go into this game without their halves pairing after Blake Austin chewed his own leg off and Aiden Sezer was struck in the face by a crossbow (or something), but that shouldn’t slow down the MIGHTY CANBERRA RAIDERS who will treat the Chooks like I treat cyclists on the road – as if they’re not there and like I’m driving my wife’s car. I love that crunching noise.
Souths vs Knights
Souths have lost Adam Reynolds to a broken jaw and John Sutton to a torn pectoral, which may give Newcastle fans some hope… who am I kidding? It wouldn’t matter if Fat Russell Crowe turned up to play, the Knights still wouldn't have a chance, even with the twelve-minute stoppage for a smoke rule. Although it’s nice that they have gone from being the oldest team in the world last year to one with seven players who are too young to appear in the under 20s comp.
Parra vs Cowboys
Kieran Foran will play his first game in blue and gold this week after jumping ship from Manly. Nothing like taking on the best team in the comp as a first hit-out with a new club after coming back from surgery, huh Kieran?
Sharks vs St George
Well done to the NRL for putting in an official “Who gives a fuck?” game each round.
Tigers vs Manly
I spoke too soon. Well done to the NRL for putting in two “Who gives a fuck?” games each round. Just kidding, it would be great to see Manly lose two in a row. While the Tigers looked impressive in Round 1 (and Manly not so much), I’m tipping an upset and am ACTUALLY TIPPING MANLY TO WIN.
Melbourne vs Titans
I have a sneaking suspicion that the Titans are somehow going to win this one. Probably through cheating or dodgy sports betting by the Storm or unlucky injuries or a paid-off referee. But not through playing good football.
|Our future Prime Minister adding his contribution up: exactly 110% was given|