NRL 2013 Round 22: Football Canberra Style

The unofficial celebration of Canberra Appreciation Month (start of August) saw a brilliant weekend involving the ACT’s most successful and well-known sporting heroes, the Brumbies and the Raiders.  In honour of the greatest month ever (Canberra Appreciation Month), both teams stood proud and gave fantastic efforts in their respectful football codes.

The Brumbies got off to a surprisingly good start, and kicked it out on the full a lot, and clapped themselves wholeheartedly.  Unfortunately they couldn’t sustain the “speed” of the “game” and it was around the 64-minute mark that the Waikato Chiefs gained the upper hand and kicked and clapped harder than the Brumbies for the full 80 minutes to take out the game, and with it, the Super 15 Rugby title.

On the other side of the weekend, the Raiders took on defending premiers the Melbourne Storm, and rallied hard against their much-fancied opponents.  However, like the Brumbies, it was the number 64 that came back to haunt the might Green Machine, and they found that giving up a 64-point advantage was just too much to overcome, narrowly going down 68-4.

Round 22:

I’m throwing a couple of dark horses and gut feelings (and general “fuck, I don’t know!”) tips into the mix this week, starting with the Dragons to overcome a reborn Brisbane team.  No reason.  I also think the Storm will do it easily over an injury-depleted Rabbitohs outfit, the Cowboys will go back to being shit against the Panthers, and the Sharks to scrap it out in a close one to beat the Knights.

Luckily Channel 9 has their finger on the pulse of the season, and is giving league fans what they truly want on a Friday night, with the bottom-placed Eels hosting the second-last-placed Tigers.  I’m not doing any additional research here, but why is it that every fucking weekend these shitfull teams land themselves a televised game?  The Raiders have had one game this year (in which they were thrashed by the Bunnies), with most of the pre-game telecast concentrating on trying to self-fellate itself over the fact that Greg Inglis existed, and completely ignoring the Raiders.  The commentary team then proved how much interest they had invested into the game by calling Jarrod Croker “Jason” and Paul Vaughan “Paul Vautin.”  I'm not saying that it's time to get some new blood into the commentary team, but when we're confusing players in 2013 with players who last laced on a boot in 1991... yes, I am saying it's time to get some new blood into the commentary team.  And get rid of Fittler and Johns.  And Gould.  So basically, keep Ray Warren. 

Not that I’m angry at all.  I think I’m more bemused.  No, angry.  Fucking fucks at Channel 9.      

Broncos vs Dragons

Sharks vs Knights

Storm vs Rabbitohs

Sea Eagles vs Warriors

Panthers vs Cowboys

Eels vs Tigers

Bulldogs vs Titans

GAME OF THE WEEK

Roosters vs Raiders

This week, the Raiders can make amends for last week’s nail-biting loss by taking on competition favourites the Roosters.  There’s a saying in rugby league circles about “beware the team who was smashed last week because this week they’ll probably smash youse back” (or something).  However, if I was the Chooks, I wouldn’t be too worried – the Raiders have a habit of following up a drubbing with an even bigger drubbing.  But since it’s Canberra Appreciation Month, I can see the Raiders fronting up in defence more than they did last week (let’s be honest, it would be hard to do less defence than they did last week), and will control the ball a lot better. 

Still.  Roosters by about 40.

Maybe the Raiders should give up on making milk products and get on board with some Raiders beer?  The presentation of this can of piss is absolutely astounding.

Mister Evil Breakfast presents: Canberra Appreciation Month 2013

Canberra, Canberra, our little capital city

Canberra, Canberra, I think you're so pretty

Canberra, Canberra, people think you’re shitty

Canberra – our pretty shitty little city.

Canberra, Canberra, has endless possibilities

Canberra, Canberra, with unlimited complexities

Canberra, Canberra, it’s just too cold for the extremities

Canberra – why are you such a fucking chilly pretty shitty little city?

Canberra, Canberra, we love every nationality

Canberra, Canberra, as long as you’re a majority

Canberra, Canberra, and don’t take our spot at university

Canberra – it’s tricky in a fucking chilly pretty shitty little city

Canberra, Canberra, it’s always such a pity

Canberra, Canberra, that we can’t swim in LBG

Canberra, Canberra, because of the algae and acidity

Canberra – too many fatalities in a tricky fucking chilly pretty shitty little city

Canberra, Canberra, let’s get to the nitty gritty

Canberra, Canberra, it was decided by committee

Canberra, Canberra, to have a set capacity

Canberra – no anonymity for fatalities in a tricky fucking chilly pretty shitty little city

Canberra, Canberra, promotes heaps of teenage chastity

Canberra, Canberra, it was just meant to be a quickie

Canberra, Canberra, fifteen year olds tested for paternity

Canberra – kiddies not anonymity & fatalities in a tricky fucking chilly pretty shitty little city

Canberra, Canberra, you’re seen with no personality

Canberra, Canberra, Sydneysiders sprouting profanity

Canberra, Canberra, about our Australian Capital Territoriality

Canberra – we have affinity and kiddies not anonymity & fatalities in a tricky fucking chilly pretty shitty little city

Canberra, Canberra, you never fail with predictability

Canberra, Canberra, a buck’s night ends with “Let’s all head to Sinnies!”

Canberra, Canberra, giggity giggity giggity

Canberra – we like titties and affinity but no kiddies or anonymity & fatalities in a tricky fucking chilly pretty shitty little city.

Canberra, Canberra, here's the end of this activity

Canberra, Canberra, that when I started sounded witty

Canberra, Canberra, but has lost its joviality

Canberra – the end of the ditty about titties & our affinity but no kiddies or anonymity & fatalities in a tricky fucking chilly pretty shitty little city

2013 Ashes - Third Test: What the fuck, Australia?

The first Ashes test surprised the shit out of everyone in how close it was; somehow Australia came within a 14-run bee’s dick of snatching victory, after being decimated to 9 for fuck-all in the first innings.  Enter Ashton Agar, the great whitish hope of Australian cricket, to smack around a rapid 98-run debut batting performance.  The second innings saw normal programming resume as the top order struggled, the middle order struggled more and the tail end hung around longer than they had any reason to.

The second Test had everything the first one did, except for any display of Australian skill.  It was a close contest that England ended up winning, scraping over the line by about 350 runs. 

Following this loss, the Australian media rightfully got up the Aussie team, declaring them the ‘worst team ever’, ‘a pack of overpaid dickheads’ and ‘fucksticks who couldn’t bat their way out of Batman’s Batcave on Batman’s Birthday even if Batman was guiding them.’  Their batting is shitfull.

So what has changed in ten days?  Other than the calendar, not fucking much.  Team morale is at a high, proven by Michael “I didn’t compare Shane Watson to cancer” Clarke being in London and Shane “Yes you did, and yes I am” Watson faffing about in Leeds, instead of, you know, playing cricket or training together and becoming some kind of version of “mates.”

Look, Australia can fuck around all they want with the batting order.  They can bring in seventy-eight different bowling coaches and a thousand different physicists to work out the right way to bat.  They can nail Watson’s front foot to the ground so his initial instinct isn’t to take a big ol’ fucking step forward, plant his leg in front of middle stump and wait for the ball to hit it.  They can practice nothing but slips catching for a week straight, and they can work out the biomechanically correct way to slide while fielding, and it will all mean FUCK ALL AND NOTHING because they aren’t playing like a team.

When you play in a team, you are playing for the other blokes around you.  You don’t want to let them down.  The current team’s mentality is somewhere between “if I don’t score heaps of runs quickly, I will lose my Adidas sponsorship”, “if I don’t score heaps of runs quickly, I will lose my spot in the team to Steve Smith” and “fuck it, I can earn $1 million to play for the Punjabi Super Ninjas in the Indian Premier League a whole lot easier than this.”  What they really need to think is, "If I get out now, the team is fucked."  

If anyone reckons that Steve Waugh got on well with Shane Warne during Australia’s dominating period during the 90s and 2000s, they’d be wrong.  Steve Waugh hates everyone.  He probably doesn’t even particularly like his mum or his wife.  But both Mrs Waughs are good team players (or something... I don't know where I'm going with this).  Anyway... The Australian cricket team need to perform to the best of their ability for the good of the team.  Need quick runs?  Fuckin tonk away then.  Need to bat out a session?  Dig in and don’t play at anything that even thinks about missing off stump. 

England won the first two matches because they play better Test cricket.  Their bowlers kept their lines and lengths tight for longer periods of time, and their batsmen dug in and didn’t play at anything that even had a passing resemblance to a good ball.  Glorious to watch?  Probably not from a T20 cricket view, but in terms of real cricket, it was spectacular.  The English batsmen wore down the bowlers for over two days.  The best the Aussie batsmen could do was make the Pommie bowlers send down a few overs more than a One Day Match would provide.  If the English bowlers are sending down some accurate, tight bowling, then fucking block up and wait it out.  Jimmy Anderson is human; he will tire after about six straight overs -that's only 36 balls to contend with - so until then, keep your bat straight and stop trying to slog your way out of trouble.  That shit only happens in the backyard.

Similarly, when bowling, you could see that the Poms had a plan, some kind of idea that they were working on.  They pitched it up to Watson because they know he’s shit against anything a full ball.  They pulled it back against Hughes because he’s shit against anything short pitched bowling.  Swann ripped a couple of deliveries past Rogers’ outside edge, then lobbed in a straight ball that Christopher just stood by and watched crash into his off stump.  On the other side of the coin, Ashton Agar did what every Aussie spinner since Warnie has done; piff it in there and hope for the best.  And he got what most Aussie spinners since Warnie have got – sweet fuck all.  James Pattinson is overrated and erratic (and now injured HOORAY), and Siddle’s massive heart no doubt weighs him down during his bowling delivery stride.  

If there IS a plan that the Aussie bowlers are trying for, it's just not working.  Whether or not that plan is just plain wrong is entirely possible, but more likely is that the bowlers don't have the skill or patience to pull it off.  If that's the case, then one of two things needs to happen:  new plans, or new bowlers.  

While a lot of people are asking, “Where are all the Aussie leg-spinners that were supposed to have been inspired by Shane Warne during the 90s?” I am asking, “Where are all the boring-as-fuck fast bowlers who noticed that Glenn McGrath basically bowled the same ball (and had the same haircut) throughout his entire career – short of a length, aiming to hit the top of off stump.  Any movement in the air or off the pitch is going to get you wickets and keep the batsman guessing.  Instead we have fuckwits bowling a million miles an hour down leg side and then swearing at the batsman because they think it will threaten his manliness as his stock ball.  

I don’t see Australia coming close to winning this third Test, and England will deservedly go on to retain the Ashes.  David Warner will probably play following his score of 193 against a Zimbabwean 2^nd XI team, in which five other players also scored centuries.  I don’t think Warner’s great form against teenagers bowling on a runway is going to put him in good stead to play against a true bowling unit with swing, seam and spin to contend with, (also, because Warner’s a fuckwit) but I am, as always, happy to be proven wrong.    

NRL 2013 Round 20: No one cares, Benji

Has everyone stopped laughing/crying/pissing themselves over Benji Marshall’s upcoming departure from the NRL?  Yes?  Good.

Honestly, Benji, you need to take yourself a bit more seriously.  I mean, you’re a football player.  That is your profession.  Don’t be modest, tiger, being a football player is a really important job.  You really shouldn’t make your decision to stop playing football so lightly; I mean, fuck man, the world just won’t be the same without you playing football professionally. 

Here’s some news for you, Benji “Ethan Hawke” Marshall – as a general rule, everyone fucking hates their job.  Not many people get paid to fuck around on a field for 80 minutes a week, while spending the rest of their week at the gym, going to footy training and playing video games.  If you’re sick of the politics of being the top commodity in someone else’s organisation and want to keep your integrity, go and sort mail in the basement of a new business.  Go and cook burgers for minimum wage.  Learn a trade.  Become useful. 

Last Friday night, the Tigers were beaten by the Warriors 24-14 in Benji Marshall’s final home-ground appearance.  The crowd was respectful to Benj, who obviously like him a whole lot more than I do (it’s not hard though, to be perfectly Francis).  I guess even a (very small) part of me wanted Benji to do something in the game, but as time ticked by, he kept trying new and spectacular things to no avail.  And here’s why – no one knew what the fuck he was doing out there… including Benji.  When his flick-passes and behind-the-back shenanigans work, it’s not just because of Benji; it’s because his teammates are reading the play and running the right lines.  When he just starts throwing 40-metre cut-out passes without looking and hoping to fuck that his winger is just there to run onto it, it’s horrible.  And while Benji is undoubtedly a good player, I think the Tigers will be better off with someone else in the play-maker’s number six jersey.

But that’s just me, and I’m a bitter man.

Round 20

Cowboys vs Broncos

Bulldogs vs Eels

Titans vs Rabbitohs

Warriors vs Storm

Sharks vs Panthers

Knights vs Roosters

Tigers vs Sea Eagles

A couple of headaches this week with a whole lot of shit teams playing each other, namely Brissy and the Cowboys.  I’m going for the Cowboys, simply because you have to go for someone, and they’ll do. 

The Rabbits should bounce back from last week’s shock loss… Inglis is still out with a mystery knee injury that could keep him out for another few weeks – if Souths are actually struggling to win games because their fullback is missing, they should probably rethink the other twelve idiots on the field. 

Everyone else blah blah blah, shouldn’t throw up too many surprises, but it probably will anyway.  I’m still not sure how the Eels are still getting Friday night games televised every week. 

 Game of the week

Dragons vs Raiders

The St George Dragons recently signed young Raiders halfback Sam Williams, bringing the total number of ex-Canberrans donning the Red V up to seven.  I guess buying an entire club’s players is one way to break a sporting hoodoo, but it’s probably not the best way. 

This week is the first chance that the Raiders will have to play against disgraced/disgraceful ex-player Josh Dugan.  It will also be the first reunion of Blake Ferguson and Josh Dugan following a night that got Fergo booted from the NSW Origin side, dropped from the Raiders and kind of arrested.  I would love to give ol’ Blakey the benefit of the doubt and say that the weekend will pass by without incident, but I don’t actually think that will happen, and Mr Ferguson will be joining Benji Marshall in the dole queue next Monday.

As for the actual outcome of the match, I think Duges will try too hard (also like Benji) in proving that he was hard done by when he was released by the Raiders, and MY GOD I hope that story is true when it says that he won’t be welcome to have a beer with them after the game.  Sometimes people just need to sit back and reflect on their decisions in life.  Like in Return of the Jedi, when Jabba the Hutt is strangled to death by Princess Leia, he probably thought, “I wish I hadn’t have picked her to be a slave.”  Similarly, Josh Dugan will hopefully say to a closed Raiders’ dressing room door in front of him, “I wish I wasn’t such a fuckwit.”

Raiders by 13, because I love field goals.

Round 19: Wow, Round Nineteen.

The 2013 State of Origin series will from hereon in be remembered as “the one that should have been the best series ever except it was ruined by the fat guy who streaked in the last game and effectively fucked it up for everyone” whereby it should probably be remembered as “the usual shit that is only memorable for thefat guy who streaked in Game Three.” 

The fact that this fat fuck could run 140 metres is astounding – but to have him run 140 metres while evading security is a whole other achievement.  NSW forward Ryan Hoffman was quoted as saying, “"I'm not going to have a go at the security. But from a player's view, we're worried about safety.  If I tripped over him and hurt myself I would have been filthy.”  Hoff, if you tripped over him, you deserve to be injured.  Accidentally running into that guy would be akin to accidentally walking off the edge of the Grand Canyon because you “didn’t see it.” 

Congratulations to Queensland for notching up their eighth series win in a row.  However, as I have commented before on this blog, I predict that it will be the last series win by the Maroons for quite some time, as the NSW up-and-comers come up and the Queenslanders will get a bit older, slower, more injured and generally shitter.  It’s time for Inglis to go to fullback, Slater to hit the wing, Thurston to fuck off, some other blokes to fill in the centres.  Easy.  I could do Mal Meninga’s job (honestly, I think I could; except for his role on the Malaganis-Edwards-Johnson commercials).

I could also do Laurie Daley’s job (better than him) by sacking Mitch Pearce and shooting him into the sun.  For the 2014 series, I’d probably bring in Todd Carney and partner him with John Sutton in the halves.  And you know how much I hate Todd Carney, so you know that hurt me a lot to type.  A lot.  Like heaps.  I’d also get rid of Aaron Woods, who is the softest fucking forward that has ever had his laces tied for him in Origin.  I don’t know why NSW thought that picking the bloke from the Wildlife Fund who dresses up as a koala and gives hugs for $1 was a good idea, but hopefully it will be his last game at this level until he replaces the pillows on the end of his arms with hands.

Round 19

Benji Marshall dropped a bombshell this week by announcing that he’s leaving the Tigers, despite having another three years left on his contract.  He’s going to probably try his hand at playing Rugby Union, which should suit him to a tee, as he doesn’t have to tackle anyone, and can kick it out on the full as much as he wants to. 

In an exclusive interview with the Footy Show last night (I should have just stayed watching the cricket, to be honest), Benji defended his actions by declaring himself to be “loyal and honest, and full of integrity” and “expecting the same from the club.”  As far as I know, the Tigers were paying him to play, which pretty much wraps up their duties to him right there.  As for all the other shit that is going on at the Tiges, I can’t really comment on, because I just don’t care that much.  I’m sure they have their reasons though.

So for the turmoil that Benj is causing at the ol Wests club, I’m not tipping them.  Also because the Warriors are playing quite well.  Marshall has asked the crowd not to boo him when he runs out this weekend; let’s just see how the fans react to this loyal, honest player.

I’m going for the Roosters over the Sharks… just because.  I don’t need to explain myself to you people.

Everything else pretty much writes itself.  Good teams over the bad ones etc.

Tigers vs Warriors

Roosters vs Sharks

Panthers vs Knights

Sea Eagles vs Titans

Rabbitohs vs Dragons

Game of the Round

Raiders vs Eels

In their last game, the Mighty Fucking Canberra Raiders gave it their best effort to lose to the Cowboys, who are sitting pretty at the arse-end of the table.  It was the kind of win that the Raiders needed to have, but convinced absolutely no one of their credentials as a proper final eight team.  If they can flog the pants off the Eels this weekend, it will go a good way to proving that they can put teams to the sword and can play some strong, solid, consistent footy. 

But since it’s the Raiders, it will be a scrappy, shitty win.  At least it’s at Canberra Stadium, where the Raiders are looking at a straight billionth win.  It’s also probably going to be -5 degrees and pissing down with rain, so if they can combine their previous form of dropping the ball every time someone looks at them with cold & wet conditions, the crowd is in for a fucking treat.

Still.  Raiders by 30.

If anyone out there has PhotoShop and wants to insert a penis into this picture, be my guest.

Round 18: Remember the NRL?

There’s a round of football on this weekend, if anyone still cares.  Probably not right now, as Australia puts aside their “Rugby / League / AFL is better!” differences and agrees that cricket is fucking awesome (and soccer is shit).  There’s something special about an Ashes series – and there’s something even MORE special when Australia springs a surprise awesomenaut out of nowhere and unveils a potential mainstay, future captain, poster boy, marketing wet dream and potential man-crush for me.  I’m not saying that Ashton Agar is any of these – fuck, the guy has only played one Test more than I have, so let’s get off our knees for a moment – but if there’s something that Australian cricket needs, it’s a guy like him; quiet, unassuming, not a cock, educated, can play cricket.

Anyway.  NRL eh?  Ah yeah, I remember this thing.  Thirteen dickheads running at each other.  Right.

In good news this week, the NRL is back to its best, with star import George “I’mNot Sam” Burgess having his dick go viral on Twitter and Facebook.  And possibly Instagram, Pinterest and Tumblr.  It might have even made MySpace and LiveJournal.  Here’s an idea to everyone who’s thinking of taking a photo of their cock, norgs or jutz to send to someone “special” – don’t.  Just put your pants back on and your phone away.  The NRL haven’t penalised Burgo, which is a good thing, as being a fucking idiot isn’t a crime, but Souths have advised him to wear pants more often. 

Round 18:

Broncos v Sharks

Eels v Panthers

Bulldogs v Storm

Cowboys v Sea Eagles

I’m tipping the Sharks to continue to piss on the Bronco’s season (even though the Broncs are doing a fair enough job of that themselves).  Peter “Sterlo” Sterling came out during the week to tip that this will be the first time since the Queensland clubs were allowed into the comp that they won’t have any representation in the finals.  While no one ever really expects the Titans to bother anyone in the top eight, we’ve become accustomed to seeing the Broncos get bundled out in the first round, and the Cowboys soon after.  I guess we’re also accustomed to seeing Peter Wallace line up for Brisbane, which probably explains an awful lot.

I’m tipping the Panthers to keep the Eels stapled to the bottom of the ladder – no surprises there.  Sticky Ricky Stuart has sacked halfback Chris Sandow for being shit, and Jarryd Hayne’s broken leg didn’t quite heal in time for him to come back.  Unless Brett Kenny laces us his boots for the rest of the season, it’s not looking good for the ol Wattsamatta Eels.

Fuck the Storm during Origin time.  Fuck them in the ear.  They’d better lose.  Same with the Cowboys, who are playing gobsmackingly poor fooseball right now.  When the Raiders can pile a few tries on you, you know you’re travelling poorly.  And last week, the Raiders didn’t just invite the Cowboys to come back into the game, they drove over to their house, had drinks with them, ordered a pizza, decided to head to the pub, called a taxi, paid for it, smashed a few schooies together, and organised another mate to come and pick them up.  Then they invited them back into the game.  That didn’t really work, but I’m keeping it in (that’s what she said).

Anyway.

The Cowboys are terrible. 

Game of the Round

New South Wales v Queensland

Mate against state, plate against Tate, great against invertebrate.  It all comes down to this final game… which Queensland will win.  Paul Gallen was ruled out today with dwarfism, which has thrown the NSW camp into complete chaos as they decide who will be overrated, a thug, a sore loser and a cheat – in the end it was decided that Greg Bird and Anthony Watmough will share the honours.  Robbie Farah will lead the team onto the field, in a decision that I applaud, as the captaincy responsibility should definitely go to someone.  And Robbie really personifies that quality. 

NSW have opted to retain the same halves combination that didn’t do anything in Game One or Two.  I’m not sure who Mitchell Pearce is sleeping with to retain his place in the side, but it’s probably Laurie Daley and all of the selectors.  Johnny Sutton should be feeling a bit gipped about not making the squad, but it also means that he can get on the piss while he watches cricket this week.  And he won’t have to risk being James Tamou’s room-mate and accidentally fall into his mouth.  Seriously, Tamou has a huge mouth, and his jaw doesn’t always look like it connects the two halves of his head. 

I still think that despite the inclusion of Jonathan Thurston, QLD will be too good.  Keep in mind that this will be the last time that Queensland wins anything for ages though.  In the future, they should move Slater to the wing and Gringlis to fullback.  They will be forced to drop Thurston (like the Cowboys should have done), and Tate has already announced his intentions to leave rep footy after this series so he can return to playing Roger Ramjet’s chin.  So there’s plenty of changes to keep in mind over the next season or two.    

Goooooooooooo Queensland.

For a sec, I thought, "Tom Waterhouse and Mitchell Pearce look a bit alike."  Then I put their pictures together and realised, "No they don't.  They're just both fuckwits."

NRL 2013 - Round 17: The Survey Says...

Some great news for Rugby Union fans from the NRL this week – Sonny Bill Williamshas committed to staying with rugby league and the Sydney City Roosters for the 2014 season, so we can expect him to be pissing off back to New Zealand to pick up his All Black’s jersey around March.  

In other traditional news, another high-profile NRL player was charged with offensivebehaviour while out and about in Kings Cross, as David “The Wolfman” Williams found himself in a spot of bother this week.    My favourite part of this story is undoubtedly the line "It is understood that Williams’ teammate Justin Horo and Manly’s assistant coach Andrew Johns were also out on the night with Williams."  Good ol’ Andrew Johns.  Not only is he a massive dickhole of a commentator, a shit coach and completely rubbish as a media personality, he’s a massive dickhole, shit and a completely rubbish bloke. 

Good player, but.

A recent survey from some dickheads also found that Australians thought that the Cronulla Sharks were the most deceitful club inAustralian sport.  If someone asked me that question, I don’t think I would automatically go for Cronulla; to be honest, sometimes I kind of forget that they exist at all.  Surely the Melbourne Storm and the Canterbury Bulldogs are a bit shit in that department, you know, by way of breaching the salary cap and having to hand over premierships and all that?  All the Sharks have done is bring in Todd Carney, who brought in a whole lot of drugs.  It was always going to happen.

In other key results:

 * Melbourne fullback Billy Slater was rated the most ‘marketable’ NRL star – heading a hot field that includes, in order, Johnathan Thurston, Greg Inglis, Cam Smith, Cooper Cronk and Benji Marshall.  I think we’re all still in some shock that Cooper Cronk was beaten in this category.  Personally, I’m still shocked that people haven’t realised that he’s rubbish.

* South Sydney fullback Greg Inglis is regarded as the most competitive Australian athlete, winning ahead of stars like tennis ace Sam Stosur and cyclist Cadel Evans.  Playing 80 minutes of footy is a bit different to the competitiveness of flogging a bike around France, but I’ll just agree with the masses.  I’m sure Sam Stosur is as competitive as anyone though.  Except when it comes to tennis.

* Newcastle fullback Darius Boyd is considered the most "fake" leaguie.  I don’t even know what this means.  He definitely exists.

* Penrith are the most unappealing NRL club.  Has nobody heard of Manly?

* Sonny Bill Williams is league’s best looker.  I think this means that he is the “best looking league player.”  I wouldn’t disagree, only because if Sonny ever finds out that I don’t rate him, he’ll beat me up and have his way with me.  Also, I’ll be making jokes about how shit he is for leaving his club while he does it.  Then I’ll make fun of how rubbish union is while he’s cuddling me afterwards.

Union is shit though, seriously.  If we have learned nothing else from the series between the British and Irish Lions and the Australian and Other Places Wallabies, it’s that union is shit.  Israel Falou scored with his first touch in international rugby, which would make it about his third touch in rugby overall.  He bamboozled the defence by running at them, instead of booting the ball into the eighth row of the crowd, spitting on the ground and then clapping himself for doing so.  Well done, Izzy.  You’re a true “athlete.”

Round 17:

The Storm screwed me out of a perfect round last week.  I blame Cooper Cronk.  But I’ll tip them this week, because they’re playing the Broncos. 

Tiges to continue their good form, Panthers to sneak home against the Titans (who I’d also forgotten existed), and Manly to hopefully show up when they host the Eels.  No guarantees though, it’s Manly. 

Storm v Broncos

Sharks v Tigers

Dragons v Roosters

Titans v Panthers

Bulldogs v Knights

Rabbitohs v Warriors

Sea Eagles v Eels

Game of the Round:

Raiders v Cowboys

Last week, the Raiders had their first, last and only televised game for the NRL season.  They didn’t go so well, narrowly going down to the Rabbitohs by 34 points.  I’m still not sure how Canberra can only rack up one televised game per year – there are 75 games involving 150 teams in a 16 team competition should probably be spread around a bit better.  Parramatta, who are still at good odds to take out last place, have four more games being televised this year, after having about a thOUsand matches shown already.  Canberra do have a couple of Saturday afternoon games coming up, in contrast to the recent trend of Saturday night romps. 

An NRL spokesperson said, “At this stage we are not considering making Saturday afternoon football an ongoing part of the NRL match schedule.  There is, however, a curiosity both on our part and of our broadcasters to see how fans respond to the timeslot, both in terms of game-day attendance and TV ratings.”  Here’s a prediction, dickhead – ratings will suck, because the games aren’t being televised. 

As for this week, I’m tipping the Raiders for absolutely no fucking reason at all.  They’re playing like shit, and the Cowbs are playing well.  It makes no sense, but this game – THIS GAME – will be the one that turns the Green Machine season around.  So help me God.  

Remember when Josh Dugan fought a midget?

Round 16: The Most Important Origin Series in History blah blah

Well fuck me in the ear with an elbow – who would have thought that QLD would have won the second Origin game, thereby taking the “most important series in history, at least since last year” into a deciding third game? 

QLD completely dominated the Blues in Game 2 – bigger, better, stronger, faster, all the way across the park.  Normally they just save that for being bigger, better, stronger and faster than Mitchell Pearce.  Actually, normally everyone does.  Because, you know, Mitch Pearce is rubbish.

I honestly don’t know why the Blues selectors persevere with him.  His kicking game is dick, his passing game is balls and his tackling is dickandballs (I kind of lost my way in that analogy).  NSW must bring in Carney, McCrone or some kid from the League of their Own segment on The Footy Show for Game Three; there’s no way that they can allow to have one of the most important positions on the field being taken up by a retarded kid on a Starlight Foundation ‘Make a Wish’ excursion. 

However, it would be worth picking him to see if he lives up to his promise to kick the shit out of Billy Slaterin the next game.  While I think that Billy is a fucking numpty who gets away with a lot of shady shit in the back play, the only person he’d successfully be able to take on in a biff would be Mitch Pearce.  And I don’t want to see Billy win at anything. 

Anyway.

Dominating the headlines once again following Wednesday’s match was the sin-binning of a thousand four players following an ugly awkward all-in-brawl after Trent Merrin decided to try and flog Brent Tate’s chin through the back of his broken neck.  I’m not sure what kind of boxing training the Blues have been taking lately, but we’ve now seen Paul Gallen and Trent Merrin unsuccessfully fight someone who wasn’t watching them, so I’ll just assume the answer is none.

Following Gallen’s attack on Nate Myles in Game One, the NRL have knee-jerked the shit out of themselves and made punching-on a massive no-no in all forms of the game, with referees instructed to send off anyone who swings a fist at another human being.  Slater escaped this rule on a technicality by using his elbows and knees.  Treating the players like children is NOT the way to go, regardless of the child-like IQ of any given/collective players.  Fucking regulate it the way you should regulate everything in the fucking game, you fucking fucks.  Banning the shoulder charge was wrong – each shoulder charge should be judged on its own worth – if they shoulder charge someone well, carry on.  If it’s a reckless, high and dangerous attack, then penalize the dickhead who can’t tackle.  If someone retaliates to some dodgy play and punches Billy Slater, carry on.  Let them sort it out.  If someone punches on with someone for no reason, then penalize the dickhead who can’t play football (Gallen). 

Fuck I should be in charge of the NRL. 

Round 16

Another tricky round with injuries and players maybe backing up from Wednesday’s slap and tickle… Who the fuck knows, honestly?

Throw in the Warriors, who don’t know whether they’re fush or chups, and it’s a motherfucking confusing round to pick.  Fuck it, they’ll all tie. 

They won’t.

Tigers vs Storm

Panthers vs Dragons

Knights vs Titans

Warriors vs Broncos

Cowboys vs Sharks

Roosters vs Sea Eagles

Game of the Round:

Rabbitohs vs Raiders

The Raiders did what every normal club would do following its ninetieth suspended player for drinking, drugs and general illegal tomfoolery – started signing their players from church.  Welcome to Canberra, Jordan Rapana and Bill Tupou, fresh from two-year missionary stints digging wells, chanting Psalms and reading bibles and stuff.  Fuck it, can’t hurt having them burning incense in the changeroom before the game – at least it’ll mask the smell of Campese’s bong. 

Unless, of course, they’re just signing anyone with a name that sounds slightly New Zealandish.  In that case, I expect to see Tim Finn, Russell Crowe and Daniel Vettori pulling on the lime green by 2015.

You’d have to assume that this would be an easy game for the Rabbitohs.  That’s probably because it really will be; the Raiders were fucking horrible last week against the Tigers.  No matter how much the Canberra lads step up their game this round, I don’t think it will be enough.  Unless of course, the Raiders step it up a shit tin, and the Bunnies also step it down a metric fuck ton.  Then they MIGHT get through in a golden-point thriller.

Bunnies by a thousand. 

You stay classy, NRL.  And keep drawing penises on your running sheet during live TV broadcasts

NRL 2013 - Round 15: The Gem in the NRL Showcase

They say that the State of Origin period is where the NRL really comes into its own as a showcase for the sport and the players.  And they couldn’t be any more right if they tried.  Following on from Jimmy Tamou getting drunk and jumping behind the wheel of his car… after he had been previously suspended from driving… possibly for getting drunk and jumping behind the wheel of a car, Josh “Serial Fuckwit” Dugan and Blake “…” Ferguson got on the sauce at a pub in Cronulla the night before going into NSW Origin camp, were booted out because they’re dickheads, snuck back in, touched up a woman and were consequently asked to leave (again) and arrested for some kind of sexual misdemeanor.  This comes just before George Burgess hulked out while promoting rugby league in Cairns, where he ripped a Stop sign from the road and speared himself a Subaru (may not entirely have happened like that, but it’s close enough).  Mal Meninga then tsk-tsk-tsked his way to Brisbane about the uncouthness of youthness, before hitting the town to celebrate Cameron Smith’s beard’s 30^th birthday and Billy Slater edging his way closer to puberty, sneaking behind the bar and attempting to pour himself a XXXX.  Due to Mal not being a recognised bartender at that particular establishment, his actions were deemed somewhat inappropriate and he was also asked to leave. 

It’s weeks like this that Nate Myles is regarded as “not a bad bloke… for a footy player.”

Round 15

Uugh.  This week is shit.  There’s only a handful of games to pick, but they’re all a bit iffy due to suspensions, arrests and drug charges.  Oh, and also Origin duties.

I’m not confident with any of these things, but I am somehow tipping the Doggies to beat the Roosters – Sonny Bill Williams is a massive pussy and is currently trying to break his own leg so he doesn’t have to play his first game against the club that he walked out on a few years back.  And because Moloney is out, I’m going to tip the Dogs.  That’s about all, really.

The Rabbits would normally just have to think about turning up to beat the Eels, but half of their side is also out due to representation, suspension and a delay in the Burgess breeding program, so this game might not be as clear cut as it should be.  It will be interesting to see how wee Chris Sandow goes against his old club too, although based on his form since leaving the Bunnies, it probably won’t be very good.

I’m tipping the Storm to beat the Titans.  Because, you know, Melbourne.  And, you know, Titans.

Bulldogs vs Roosters

Eels vs Rabbitohs

Titans vs Storm

Game of the Round

Tigers vs Raiders

It has been a tumultuous time at the Canberra HQ this week, as Ferguson was sent home from Origin in disgust, once again vowing to stay off the piss.  It was the first time that anyone at the Raiders had seen the guy sober.  “I think he has more personality after a few” was the resounding noise coming from the hallowed Bruce Stadium training session. 

The Raiders have a fucking horrible record at Cambelltown Stadium – it’s probably the lack of clean air and the abundance of discarded syringes in the turf that really gets to them.  Still, it’s the 2013 Tigers, so the Green Machine SHOULD sneak home by about 20.  It’ll be one of those games that is summarised by the post-match line of “the scoreline flattered us.”  Neither team will play well, and it should be called off around 60 minutes in.

Queensland vs New South Wales

I’m still tipping a Queensland win.  They were pretty uninspired in the last game, but I think a few players have come to the understanding that if they don’t perform in this game, they will probably lose some sponsorship money.  Oh, and also the series.

That’s about all, really.  I still don’t rate Cooper Cronk.  Glad Meritt finally got a game.  Sad that Gallen is such a prick.  I don’t know what the fascination is with Greg Bird.  You know, just the usual.

Why I could play rugby league reason #502:  I enjoy sitting down and crying

Round 14: The Round Where I Tip All Home Teams

FUCK I RAN OUT OF TIME TO DO THIS STUPID BLOG BECAUSE MY STUPID BOSS WAS WATCHING YOUTUBE CLIPS OF THE SYDNEY HARBOUR BRIDGE BEING BUILT ALL DAY AND I WAS REALLY BUSY DOING WORK AND NOT WRITING THIS WHICH IS PROBABLY THE POINT OF MY JOB BUT I DON’T CARE.

NSW Blues and part-time Cowboy Jimmy “James” Tamou was busted for sinking piss and then jumping in his car (I will assume it’s a white 1984 Corolla, with one pale blue panel on the back where he reversed into a pole in a car park) and getting caught by the po-po.  Consulting the “Rugby League Player’s Guide of What to Do When You Get Pulled Over by the Po-Po”, Tamou used the “But I’m a footy player but, hey?” defense, but was overruled (the cop was probably a Victorian or a Queenslander or not corrupt or something).  The NRL also decided not to look at the “Rugby League Player’s Guide of What to Do When You Get Pulled Over by the Po-Po” chapter entitled “But I’m a footy player but, hey?” and fined him $20,000 and suspended him from State of Origin. 

It’s probably about a decade too late, but I’m pretty happy that the league is coming down on fuckwits, even if they’re just accidental or unlucky fuckwits. 

Round 14:

This is the round where I choose all teams playing at home.  It’s actually purely a coincidence, it’s not that I decide that Round 14 is going to be that round.  It just so happens that the home teams are the better ones. 

Maybe except Manly.  And I’ve got a sneaking suspicion that the Tigers will upset the Broncos.  If they do, they’ll also upset me. 

Dragons vs Cowboys

Sea Eagles vs Bulldogs

Sharks vs Eels

Rabbitohs vs Titans

Storm vs Knights

Roosters vs Warriors

Broncos vs Tigers

Game of the Round:

Raiders vs Panthers

The Raiders are looking to extend their winning run at Canberra “Call me Bruce” Stadium to a million (ten) in a row, but will do so without the services of Edrick Lee, who broke his arm last week while playing against the Broncos… yet remained on the field and completed the game.  Anyone who “heard” Lee’s post-match “interview” now understands that he was probably telling the trainers on the field that his “forearm appears to be jutting out at an unusual angle, perhaps it is broken?” but they just did what everyone does when they have no idea what someone said and so they laugh a bit, sigh and then say, “Well, better head off now…” 

Lee’s absence opens the door for Sandor Earl to make a reappearance… and possibly another disappearance as ASADA’s drug cheating shenanigans and stuff investigation continues.  Despite ASADA claiming that “certain players” were being looked into at the Cronulla club, none were actually named.  For Sandor to be picked out is a bit unfair, even if he is a bit of a dick. 

So the Canberras play the Penriths this week.  The chat from Raiders coach Dave Furner before the game will go something like, “Lads, don’t underestimate these boys.  They’ve got good strikepower through… um… And their forwards are strong, in particular… um… their reserve bench is pretty good, maybe?  And remember when Brad Fittler played for them in 1991?”  The only player that anyone actually knows about in Penrith is Trevor Robinson, who is Canberra’s Reese Robinson’s identical twin.  I hope they switch jerseys at half time and play the world’s best practical joke on Furner and… um… whoever the fuck is coaching at Penrith these days.

Raiders merchandise manager:  What should we sell to the fans this year?
Work experience kid:  Jumpers, scarves, big jackets.  It's cold in Canberra.  And Viking helmets.  It ties in with the whole "Raiders" thing.
Raiders merchandise manager:  Rubbish.  Let's make them look like Fraggles.

Round 13: Obligatory Origin Wrap-up

First points of State of Origin 2013 go to the mighty New South Wales Blues.  And holy shit, didn’t they make it look easy?  Of course, it helps when Queensland don’t wake  up until there’s ten minutes to go, but still – a victory is a victory, and for this NSW side, those don’t come too easily.  I had predicted that this would be the last QLD series victory for about five or six years… I may have been a year off with that Nostradamus-inspired thought, if the first game was anything to go by.

My first impression at the kick-off was “well, New South Wales won’t be able to keep up this pace for too long.”  Then, “wow, Queensland are doing a good job at pretending to be playing their first game of football.”  Then, “yes, I want more beer.”  Then, “Are Queensland trying to do their ‘Rope a Dope’ routine by just absorbing 70 minutes of punishment before hitting them hard in the last ten?”  Then, “No, apparently not.”

In the end, NSW were deserved winners.  The highlight of the game was Paul Gallen punching on with Nate Myles' head, for which he received a whopping one game suspension, in a game he probably wasn’t going to play in anyway.  Gallen claimed that he needed to “dominate” Myles, who had always ended up on top of his rival forwards.  I would have thought that Gallen should have played better and tackled harder if he wanted to dominate him, rather than punch on with him when he wasn’t expecting it.  But that’s just me; what would I know?  I’m still waiting for my first-grade call-up.  I haven’t even been cited 17 times like Gallen.  

Johnathan Thurston had struggled all week with some kind of man-flu (herpes) as well as having his mind completely elsewhere as he awaited the birth of his wife’s (and Billy Slater’s) child.  And it showed – if he puts in another shithouse performance like that in Game 2, he can probably kiss his Origin career goodbye.  It’s not even as if he’s playing well for the Cowboys.  Not that anyone actually watched Cowboys games anymore anyway.  But seriously, Thurston’s uselessness was matched only by his opposite in Mitchell Pearce, who for all intents and purposes, played for about ten minutes before ducking off to the pub for a sneaky pint and watched the rest of the game from there.  I thought that Fafita was well overrated, and proves that just because you’re a giant bloke, it doesn’t make you a good footy player.  I think a lot of the game comes from having the right temperament, and that’s something that is lacking in a lot of the ‘new breed’ of footy player.  They should have some kind of temperament test when you sign up to play.  Or even if you can spell it, or know roundabouts what it means, that would be good too.

I expect Queensland to come out firing in Game 2, and they might even look to pass the ball to Greg Inglis occasionally.  It was a strange game plan to completely ignore the best ball runner in the world and instead look to Cooper Cronk to guide the way. 

Greg Bird is still a grub though.  Can we all just appreciate that?

Round 13:

Highlights from the regular week included:

A Kiwi bloke pissing on the field prior to kick-off, being fined $15,000 and telling people to “get over it LOL.”  Having not rolled around in other people’s piss for a while (reason #4589 why I don’t play professional football), I can’t help but disagree with his eloquent statement. 

Jamie Soward has been dropped from the Saints line-up.  No one cares, including Jamie Soward, and the Saints.  And the Saints supporters.  They’re a bit shit this year. 

Raiders winger Sexy Sandor Earl has linked with a French rugby union team.  Not too many people care about that either. 

Seems like there’s a whole lot of indifference this week.

The Eels are shit, the Roosters are good.  That one was easy.

Same for the Knights and the Dragons.  But less good and probably less shit. 

The Cowbs are rubbish, but will probably win simply because “they’re due”.  I’m not tipping them though.

Despite the looming reappearance of T “Tony Williams” Rex for Manly, I think they’ll still be too strong for the Warriors.

The Panfers should piss it in over the Tigers, who will be confused by still being the televised game of the round, but during the day.  And they’ll still suck.

Storm should beat the Sharks.  Just because everyone should beat the Sharks. 

Eels vs Roosters

Knights vs Dragons

Cowboys vs Bulldogs

Warriors vs Sea Eagles

Panthers vs Tigers

Storm vs Sharks

Game of the Round

Raiders vs Broncos

The Broncs were horribly thrashed by the Warriors last weekend, so they’ll be hoping to bounce back… but they won’t.  Because they’re rubbish.  They can’t even really complain that they are “Originned out” anymore, because they only have a few cheerleaders who get picked to play in the annual stoush these days.  Fuck it, if they want to keep playing Peter Wallace, that’s their prerogative. 

The Raiders just keep going from strength to strength, coming off a massive win against the Bye, and shedding Sandor Earl from their playing roster, making way for someone with a few less tats and shit hair to come in.

The Raiders unveil their new logo to entice Asian hipster Vikings to join the club

Round 12: State of... where's my iPod?

Hey, does anyone else out there feel like State of Origin actually isn’t that exciting anymore?  I don’t know whether it’s the fact that NSW haven’t won a series for seven years (think about that for a second, and realise that it was 2006 when they last won.  I didn’t even own an iPod in 2006.  And now, in 2013, I don’t even know where it is. Spooky), or if there’s a general gloss taken off the NRL – weekly sexual/physical assault allegations (did I read correctly that Queensland police are postponing the investigation of Ben Te’o’s assault charge until after State of Origin, to minimize interference with the team’s preparation?  WHAT THE FUCK, QUEENSLAND?), drug scandals and the occasional interview & tv promotion with the players all tends to adversely affect the way you view your sports stars.  Also, the fact that Mitchell Pearce keeps getting selected.  And Kurt Gidley.  Seriously, what the fuck does Gids have over the NSW selectors to warrant a place in the team?  It doesn’t really matter now anyway; he broke his leg (or something) and is out of the game.  It still baffles me that his name was even mentioned in the first place.  It’s like when Harry Potter’s name gets selected in the Goblet of Fire, even though he didn’t sign up for it and stuff.  REVELATION: Gidley is a wizard.  A shit one though, like from Hufflepuff or something. 

As a result of the “game that slows down about a quarter of a small nation”, the regular NRL rounds get disrupted, and there are only four games to pick this week.  That makes my “job” easier, so let’s get this party started:

Round 12

Despite the Bunnies having most of their team missing due to Origin and being suspended and arrested and that, I’m going to tip them because the Knights are shit and I’m pretty sure everything good they do is completely unintentional and a massive fluke. 

I’m tipping the Dogs because… and their track record… and the Dragons… I don’t know why.

The Titans/Cowboys clash could go either way – they are both terrible, terrible teams.  The Cowboys might have the edge because they have got rid of Johnathan “Dead Weight” Thurston, who seems to enjoy mentioning that the Panthers offered him a lot of money and he probably should have gone there.  Unfortunately, Matty Bowen is out with a case of the “fucked knee” which might ruin the Cowboys’ night.  Fuck it, I’ll just go for the Titans.  I don’t care anymore.

The Broncos traditionally struggle during Origin time, as their “superstars” are taken out of their team and put into a camp somewhere near Innisfail, where Billy Slater can drawl at them about “thet’s the park bench where me mum used to werk” and “this tent’s a bit nice, hey?  S’even got a door!”  Unfortunately, even the good Broncos players haven’t been doing a great job at not being shit this year, and I think they’re going to be put through their paces by a Warriors team looking for two wins in a row. 

I am confident that Canberra can defeat the Bye, who do not have a good record against the Green Machine.

Bulldogs vs Dragons

Rabbitohs vs Knights

Titans vs Cowboys

Broncos vs Warriors

Game of the Round

New South Wales vs Queensland

Fuck it, I’m going to pick Queensland.  Until NSW stop picking Greg Bird and Anthony Watmough, I don’t think their team is going to gel.  I’m also not a massive fan of selecting Blake Ferguson on the wing, when Nathan Merritt is a better option.  You want a centre?  Fine, Fergo can play there (he does it every week), and is in much better form than Mick Jennings.  When Greg Inglis gets the ball, looks up and sees Jennings as the only obstacle between him and a four-pointer, he must get a bit of a try-scoring-boner (can’t imagine that would be incredibly comfortable). 

I am prepared to be shown up, but I think Queensland has a stronger forward pack and much better backs than the Blues, and should knock up a 10-point victory. 

Steve Matai on his way to the judiciary for another 3 week holiday