There’s a round of football on this weekend, if anyone still cares. Probably not right now, as Australia puts aside their “Rugby / League / AFL is better!” differences and agrees that cricket is fucking awesome (and soccer is shit). There’s something special about an Ashes series – and there’s something even MORE special when Australia springs a surprise awesomenaut out of nowhere and unveils a potential mainstay, future captain, poster boy, marketing wet dream and potential man-crush for me. I’m not saying that Ashton Agar is any of these – fuck, the guy has only played one Test more than I have, so let’s get off our knees for a moment – but if there’s something that Australian cricket needs, it’s a guy like him; quiet, unassuming, not a cock, educated, can play cricket.
Anyway. NRL eh? Ah yeah, I remember this thing. Thirteen dickheads running at each other. Right.
In good news this week, the NRL is back to its best, with star import George “I’mNot Sam” Burgess having his dick go viral on Twitter and Facebook. And possibly Instagram, Pinterest and Tumblr. It might have even made MySpace and LiveJournal. Here’s an idea to everyone who’s thinking of taking a photo of their cock, norgs or jutz to send to someone “special” – don’t. Just put your pants back on and your phone away. The NRL haven’t penalised Burgo, which is a good thing, as being a fucking idiot isn’t a crime, but Souths have advised him to wear pants more often.
Broncos v Sharks
Eels v Panthers
Bulldogs v Storm
Cowboys v Sea Eagles
I’m tipping the Sharks to continue to piss on the Bronco’s season (even though the Broncs are doing a fair enough job of that themselves). Peter “Sterlo” Sterling came out during the week to tip that this will be the first time since the Queensland clubs were allowed into the comp that they won’t have any representation in the finals. While no one ever really expects the Titans to bother anyone in the top eight, we’ve become accustomed to seeing the Broncos get bundled out in the first round, and the Cowboys soon after. I guess we’re also accustomed to seeing Peter Wallace line up for Brisbane, which probably explains an awful lot.
I’m tipping the Panthers to keep the Eels stapled to the bottom of the ladder – no surprises there. Sticky Ricky Stuart has sacked halfback Chris Sandow for being shit, and Jarryd Hayne’s broken leg didn’t quite heal in time for him to come back. Unless Brett Kenny laces us his boots for the rest of the season, it’s not looking good for the ol Wattsamatta Eels.
Fuck the Storm during Origin time. Fuck them in the ear. They’d better lose. Same with the Cowboys, who are playing gobsmackingly poor fooseball right now. When the Raiders can pile a few tries on you, you know you’re travelling poorly. And last week, the Raiders didn’t just invite the Cowboys to come back into the game, they drove over to their house, had drinks with them, ordered a pizza, decided to head to the pub, called a taxi, paid for it, smashed a few schooies together, and organised another mate to come and pick them up. Then they invited them back into the game. That didn’t really work, but I’m keeping it in (that’s what she said).
The Cowboys are terrible.
Game of the Round
New South Wales v Queensland
Mate against state, plate against Tate, great against invertebrate. It all comes down to this final game… which Queensland will win. Paul Gallen was ruled out today with dwarfism, which has thrown the NSW camp into complete chaos as they decide who will be overrated, a thug, a sore loser and a cheat – in the end it was decided that Greg Bird and Anthony Watmough will share the honours. Robbie Farah will lead the team onto the field, in a decision that I applaud, as the captaincy responsibility should definitely go to someone. And Robbie really personifies that quality.
NSW have opted to retain the same halves combination that didn’t do anything in Game One or Two. I’m not sure who Mitchell Pearce is sleeping with to retain his place in the side, but it’s probably Laurie Daley and all of the selectors. Johnny Sutton should be feeling a bit gipped about not making the squad, but it also means that he can get on the piss while he watches cricket this week. And he won’t have to risk being James Tamou’s room-mate and accidentally fall into his mouth. Seriously, Tamou has a huge mouth, and his jaw doesn’t always look like it connects the two halves of his head.
I still think that despite the inclusion of Jonathan Thurston, QLD will be too good. Keep in mind that this will be the last time that Queensland wins anything for ages though. In the future, they should move Slater to the wing and Gringlis to fullback. They will be forced to drop Thurston (like the Cowboys should have done), and Tate has already announced his intentions to leave rep footy after this series so he can return to playing Roger Ramjet’s chin. So there’s plenty of changes to keep in mind over the next season or two.
For a sec, I thought, "Tom Waterhouse and Mitchell Pearce look a bit alike." Then I put their pictures together and realised, "No they don't. They're just both fuckwits."