Wednesday, August 29, 2012

On The (Dark, Dark) Road

Canberra Appreciation Month is slipping away faster than a hotted-up Excel (lowered, rims, No Fear sticker and Southern Cross seat covers) on the parkway (until the speed camera bits), so it’s time to celebrate some of the natural beauty of Australia’s capital city.

One of Canberra’s wonders of the modern age is Hindmarsh Drive, a naturally occurring road that links Weston Creek to Fyshwick.  So if you’re ever after some hardcore porn  on VHS and some Kingsley’s chicken, Hindy is your best bet (again, watch out for the speed cameras).

For years, scientists have studied Hindmarsh Drive, hoping to uncover its magical secrets that allow it to transform from a normal road during the day, to the darkest, most soul-sucking motorway in the history of everything everywhere.  Hindmarsh takes the light out of anything that dares to face it.  True fact: there are no fireflies in Canberra, because Hindmarsh Drive sucked the light out of them.  There are only flies. 

The fear of having the earth sucked into a black hole and destroyed forever is very, very real, and it is happening right now in Canberra.  Stephen Hawking can’t save us (or breathe on his own), so it’s up to us, the citizens of the capital, to fight the good fight and do what Bruce Willis did in Armageddon.  Do what that crazy drunk guy did in Independence Day.  What Leonardo di Caprio did in Titanic (other than Kate Winslet).  Do what Atreyu did in the Never Ending Story.  We need sacrifice to stop The Nothing from taking over Canberra's inner southern suburbs.

Or, you know, someone could just donk a couple of dirty great light poles along the sides of the road.  Either way.

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