Thursday, April 08, 2010

You can find the perfect blend

If anyone is still wondering how Paul Robinson keeps on getting laid regardless of how much of a prick he is, this picture explains all.

It has been way too long since a Neighbours update, and Ramsay Street is fucking BUZZING. If I knew more about computers, I’d get the word ‘buzzing’ to shake and shit, but I only just learnt what a bit-torrent was the other night, so I’m going to cut my losses and thank Jeebus that I’ve somehow managed to log onto my Googleblog.

Anyway. Neighbours. BUZZING. Let’s see what’s making news in Erinsborough.

Breaking news:
Corey Worthington eat your heart out: Police were called to the home of Steph Scully a few nights ago when a party thrown for the sometimes-Scottish-son of Paul Robinson got out of hand after sometimes-Scottish-son posted the party details on popular networking site Facebook. The reason for the party is unknown, as sometimes-Scottish-son is currently laying low after causing Robinson’s hotel millions of dollars in damage. There were also reports that someone vomited in the bathroom, possibly due to an overdose of potato chips and lemonade, as no persons at the party were witnessed to be drinking alcohol.

Tens of dollars worth of damage: A one-man rampage swept through Ramsay Street when the sometimes-Scottish-son of Paul Robinson smashed pot plants and knocked over wheelie bins. Unfortunately, it was bin night and everyone’s rubbish receptacles were full, causing milk cartons and at least one newspaper to spill onto the road. Sometimes-Scottish-son later apologised for the act, saying that he had been "tipped over the edge" after having called his mother in Sydney earlier to ask to come home, and being denied. Sources close to sometimes-Scottish-son's mother claim that she runs a successful pot plant store, and having him nearby may provide too much temptation for his violent tendancies.

Love nest: A mere seventeen seconds after losing his wife to a brain embolism following a horrific car crash, Declan Napier’s love life has definitely improved and he has officially ‘moved on,’ according to sources. Kate Ramsay (not a made-up name, apparently) has been seen sharing very awkward kisses with the handsome father-of-one, who apparently won his role on Neighbours after winning a competition run in Dolly Magazine. Not one to rush this new relationship, Declan has been quoted as saying, “We’re taking it slowly,” as he moved his furniture and month-old baby into Kate’s house. Kate’s housemates (younger brother Harry, 15, and younger and more annoying sister Sophie, 7ish) had little to say about the two newest members of the household. One must wonder how they can afford new clothes, video games, school fees, movies and shit-tins of coffee without having a parent in the house and their only income arriving in the form of Kate’s part-time job at the local shop.

Buns in ovens: Don’t tell Libby – Steph slept (although not much sleeping was done, if you know what I mean) with her best friend’s husband and is now pregnant with his baby. To keep Steph’s good name, former fiancĂ© Toadie Rebecci is going to somehow take responsibility for the child. His dedication is extreme in that he even broke up with his fairly attractive girlfriend to maintain the deception to everyone else, despite not having actually told anyone about the pregnancy yet. This reporter (me) is confused. Although Steph is only about six minutes pregnant and not having the slightest hint of a baby bump, she has felt the child kicking. I don't know a whole lot about pregnancy, but I reckon I’ve got fossilised bricks with more life inside them than Steph. She's such a sympathy whore. And also general whore.

As usual: The weather is always perfect, unless there’s going to be a flood (whereby it rains) or a savage fire (whereby it doesn’t).

Soccer World Cup Cash-in: Questionable antics from the newly appointed coach of the under 9 soccer team, sometimes-Scottish-son of Paul Robinson, has led to his sacking. The kids of Ramsay Street are devastated and bookmakers have increased their odds to almost unbackable lengths to win a single game, let alone the coveted Ramsay Street under 9 soccer team Cup. Supermum Libby has put aside her failed marriage and ugly children to help make this team of spazzies a team of champions. Following some tremendously well-edited and choreographed soccer clips, it turns out that Sophie Ramsay is quite good at soccer, and Libby's ugly son is quite good at dancing, leading to his departure from the under 9s soccer team to pursue a career on stage. He has already been called a “flaming homosexual gay homo poof” by Lucas, and an "ugly flaming homosexual gay homo poof”by me.

Comeback kid? Declan Napier was seen talking to former AFL team the Erinsborough Dingoes this week, sparking rumours that this wunkerkind child prodigy was going to make a comeback to the game. These thoughts were quickly put to bed after he admitted to not being interested in the sport anymore and preferred spending time with his boy-pal at an amateur magician's night - was this the case of Neighbours' writers being retarded on purpose, by accident, working a private joke into the script or trying to get their amateur magician friends on tv? Whatever it was, it filled in a few minutes of airtime, a paragraph on this blog and showed that Declan seriously has no mates at all.

Predictions for upcoming weeks:
  • Steph will lose her baby.
  • Whatever Libby’s ugly child is named will win the respect of his peers through the art of dance, in what will be a blatant rip-off of Billy Elliot and that episode of the Simpsons where Bart does ballet.
  • A new family will move in. They will be a couple in their mid-to-late 20s. He will be a policeman, she will become a bartender at Charlie’s. They have a secret past that they are afraid will bring them down.
  • A tragedy will rock Erinsborough. I think sometimes-Scottish-son of Paul Robinson might get taken hostage or fall down a well or something.

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