Thursday, August 25, 2016

NRL 2016 Round 25: A Very Special Round

As the 2016 season draws to a close, we should take this time to sit back, close our eyes and reminisce about the great year that we’ve had in rugby league.  Like the time that the Raiders beat the Tigers by 60 points, or when Souths lost to the Raiders by 50.  Or there were the games when the two top teams were beaten in consecutive weeks to Canberra.  We forget about when the bottom-placed team drew with the Green Machine… twice, or when St George managed a rare win in a half-lit stadium against a clumsy Jack Wighton. 
I’m pretty sure those have been the only games this year.  How they stretched that into 25 rounds is beyond me.

Manly fans turn up to the game dressed as blue chairs

 We may have also seen the last of Benji Marshall, who has been informed by St George that his services are no longer required.  When the Dragons tell you that they don’t want you, you know that something has gone horribly wrong in your life.  I feel a bit sorry for ol’ Benj though, as he single-handedly tried to carry the Saints this year, using a strange tactic that employed the “go sideways (slowly) to go forward, as long as someone is actually running forward at some point” mentality.  I hope that Marshall lands himself a media contract out of his career though, as he is eloquent, insightful and still has a wicked haircut. 
Another stalwart of the league seems to have also played his last game, Manly… legend (?) Jamie Lyon, who had a heart the size of Pharlap’s, a gut the size of a pot-bellied pig and a sweating disorder like a couple of 19 year olds on ecstasy.  Lyon’s contract runs out at the end of this year, and was looking forward to leading his team out for a final home-ground farewell this weekend, but has succumbed to an injury to one of his chins and his involvement in the match will be limited to a lap of honour to thank both of the Brookvale fans who turned up.  
Fuck it, might as well invite Brett Stewart and Steve Matai to join him.  I’ve got $10 on Matai limping for at least 80 metres of his farewell lap and then spear tackling a security guard as a fitting tribute to his career.

Round 25 

Bulldogs vs Cowboys

I still can’t believe that the Bulldogs are in fourth place, and the Cows are below them.  This week will set the record straight, and I’m predicting a massive blowout.  The Doggies are going to have a harder night tonight than Des Hasler’s hair dryer. 

Storm vs Broncos

You’d expect that the Broncos would throw everything at the Storm tonight in an attempt to fool themselves (and us) that they are back in form – sorry Brisbane, but I’m not buying your shtick any more.  I wouldn’t be surprised if you fell out of the top eight and didn’t play finals and no one cared (except for Allan Langer).

Manly vs the Green Machine Canberra Milk Raiders

Despite the Raiders losing Blake Austin to a training mishap today (Junior Paulo ate his arm), they should still cruise through this game with a thumping victory.  They will definitely miss Austin’s support play, so it will be interesting to see who, if anyone, takes on that role.  Manly have proven that they don’t care about winning any more this season by naming Dylan Walker in their team, so it wouldn’t be out of the question for these guys to call it off early and hit the pub.  Manly’s shout.    

Titans vs Penrith

A FUCKING NOODLE SCRATCHER OF MAGGI PROPORTIONS.  This game should go down to a Golden Point decider; both teams are equally capable of busting open defence, throwing speccy passes, giving their speed men some space and destroying opposition players in tackles, as well as being evenly matched at throwing ridiculous passes in their own defensive zones, dropping easy balls, missing soft tackles, tripping over the lines painted on the field, forgetting which way they’re going, losing their bus ticket money and SnapChatting their dicks and sending the picture to everyone they know.  When in doubt, all you can do is put your trust in our Lord and Saviour, Hanyesus. 

Sharks vs Roosters

The Chooks have another chance to piss off another top-eight side by beating the second-placed and really-shit-looking Sharkies this weekend, which would allow the mighty fucking Raiders to pogo into SECOND PLACE, bitches.  Woop woop.  I’m raising a full-cream double-strength mocha-latte to the Bondi boys to continue their giant-killing efforts before they all take too many drugs and get arrested, while also wondering… “why didn’t you play like this about 25 rounds ago?”

Warriors vs Tigers

Tigers fans are rejoicing due to the unlikely mathematical chance that they still have of making it into the finals.  This is the best result they’ve had for several years.  Unfortunately for them, it’s about the right time in the season for the Warriors to play well for another two or three weeks, so let’s just focus on next year, hey Tiges?

Knights vs Souths

Way to hit form at the right time of the year, hey Souths?  Well done, you idiots.

Parramatta vs St George

St George’s season was officially put to pasture last week after a pretty ordinary year.  As the old saying goes, “Defence occasionally wins you games when the offense you are up against is inept enough.”  Sometimes you just need to score tries.  You know, like Parramatta.

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