Thursday, August 11, 2016

NRL 2016 - Round 23: Well Isn't That Interesting...?

Because everyone is still super psyched about the Census in Australia, I thought I’d find some statistics about the NRL that you can use to impress your friends, astound your workmates, bewilder your family and will have you drowning in the amount of sex that these will get you from random people on the street.

Seven.  The number of players who have been suspended for touching the ref so far this year.  None of these have been Cameron Smith, even though he spends half the game with one hand on the ref’s shoulder and the other hand going to town inside his shorts.  This rule is fucking ridiculous, especially when you take into account dumb fucks like Josh Reynolds, who wasn’t even penalised for deliberately tripping another player again this year for the sixth time in four years – it’s not a dodgy tackle or punching some bloke in the face, this is purposefully kicking your leg out at theirs – and he has done this SIX FUCKING TIMES.  Why aren’t we suspending him for this, or sending him to play for Newcastle?  Reynolds trips more than a guy on acid with his shoelaces tied together and I fucking hate him.

Twelve.  The number of times that Jonathan Thurston has played against the Wests Tigers.  Funnily enough, twelve is also the number of losses that Jonathan Thurston has had when playing against the Wests Tigers.  Every.  Fucking.  One.  It’s fucking weird.  Anyone who plays the Cowboys from here on in should head to Jersey’s Megastore before the game and buy up big in Tiges merchandise. 

Five hundred and one.  The number of days since Josh Dugan registered a “try assist” at club level.  That is, the act of passing a ball to a team-mate who then scores a try.  His most recent effort was in Round 4, 2015.  There are a couple of likely explanations for this though; one is that Dugan is just a selfish prick of a player; or “why would you bother passing to anyone at St George anyway?”

Four.  The number of times I watched the Corey Norman sex tape, which was leaked online this week.  It was all in the name of research.  It was actually a bit difficult to stay completely interested in it anyway, because James Segayaro keeps turning up randomly to cheer on his mate with some tips on how to drink Canadian Club out of a woman’s vagina.  In the interest of not promoting such lewd acts, I have transcribed some of the interaction for you here; I think I have pretty much captured the tone of the event and the personalities of those involved quite well.  WARNING: You may crack a boner reading this.  

James Segeyaro: inaudible
Corey Norman: Wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait - is the light on or what?
Girl: softly moans
James Segeyaro: Wait.
Corey Norman: Just wait, yeah here we go, let-- now film me doin' a fuh'. Ya ready?
Girl: Yeah, I'm filming.
Corey Norman: Ready, let me do a fuh' ah-ah fanny here, look, pour it down here, look, let me do a fanny.
Girl: Heavy breathing
James Segeyaro: Duh duh duh duh duh.
Girl: laughs
Corey Norman: swchswchmhhschwwssshhhhwchtwtstwtwtschhhhhewwwwwww
Girl: Uuhhh, so cold.
James Segeyaro: Suck it, brah. Suck it dry.
Corey Norman: Meeeeeoooomm neeeuuuuh a little fenny like nueh.

Twenty three.  The round we're up to. 

Doggies vs Manly

Why is this even a game?  Honestly, this is as if Mark from Accounts and Jacqui (also from Accounts) got together and dated for a few years and then got married just because they were so boring that no one else would go out with them, and they were too polite to break up with each other. 

Brissy vs Parra

Surely to fuck Brisbane are “back” now?  The post-Origin part of the season must be some kind of Wayne-Bennett-inspired bullshit trick to lull opposition in to a false sense of security or something, otherwise there is fuck all reason about why the Broncos are so shit.  Maybe they all just really hate each other?  If I played on that team, I’d probably hate them too.  At least they'll all be happy playing on Friday night again.
PS.  Something something Parramatta.  Can’t possibly get any worse for them.

Tigers vs Jarryd Hayne

Apparently, it’s all up to the mighty Jarryd “Red Button” Hayne to drag this Gold Coast team into the finals, despite the fact that just one year ago, he was lining up as a running back for the 49ers in the NFL.  Now he’s been named at five-eighth for the Titans in his second game back in the NRL, in a game that will probably end one team’s 2016 run.  No pressure though.

Warriors vs Souths

Greg Inglis returned from a three-week ban last week to lead Souths to another loss.  Most Souths fans didn’t really expect to see Inglis back in action on the field until State of Origin Game 1 in June next year anyway.  Souths are a perfect example of what happens when you spend all of your money on three players – the other 10 blokes on the field are rubbish because you got them at Hot Dollar.  Prediction:  Warriors 40, Souths 6, with Adam Reynolds to fake another ACL injury because he hates this fucking team and its stupid fucking coach.  

Dragons vs Sharks

The Dragons are continuing with Benji Marshall eh?  Welp… good luck with that.  Sometimes you might as well just flog that dead horse, you know, to really make sure it's dead.  Rumours are that Parramatta are looking to sign Benji for next year.  This is presumably because they know that Benji is too old to bother going out to take pingers at the Casino at 3am, film himself having sex with prostitutes, to dream of playing another sport, to be poached by another team, to gamble irresponsibly or to skip the country.

Knights vs Panthers

Knights:  Oh hey Penrith, how’s it going?
Penrith:  Good thanks Knights – hey good luck for the game. 
Knights:  Thanks, you too.  You know, this season hasn’t been great for us, but I reckon that if we can just keep a few of our young players coming through and work on some combinations over the next season or two—
Penrith:  Yeah sorry mate, look, no offence, but we’re really going to beat you convincingly today, you know, like everyone else this year?  I don’t want to look stupid in front of the other teams.
Knights:  Oh no problem at all!  Sorry to hold you up – if there’s anything else that you need, just let me know.  As I said to the Bulldogs last we –
Penrith:  Yeah, see you later.

Roosters vs Cowboys

Holy shit, it has finally happened.  Aiden Guerra has finally been dropped after a torrid season of torridness, which has seen him go from Australian and State of Origin representative to not quite being able to make a 17-man squad for the motherfucking Roosters.  It makes me feel pretty okay about the fact that I have never been dropped by a struggling rugby league team.

World Dominating Canberra Raiders vs Storm


What a difference a week in rugby league makes – in one round, four of the top five teams were found to be absolute rubbish:  the Storm struggled against an out-of-sorts Rabbitohs team, the Cowboys got spooked by the Tigers, the Bulldogs were as unconvincing as Ben Hunt under a high ball and the Sharks were confirmed premiership pretenders.  Enter the motherfucking Mighty Morphing Power Raiders, who seem to have overcome their defensive lapses of the last 20 years and are actually doing enough to give the finals a red hot crack.  With the most in-form and dangerous backline in the universe wreaking havoc, Will Chambers must be considering following his dream to play amateur baseball in USA and just leave the country immediately. 

When BJ Leilua wants to play "Janet Jackson", you just go along with it 

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