Thursday, August 04, 2016

NRL 2016 - Round 22: Surely it can't get any worse for Parramatta

It has been about two weeks since Jarryd Hayne had a dream to change sports, and now he’s back in the NRL after signing a deal worth a reported $1.2 million PER MOTHERFUCKING YEAR to play for the Gold Coast Titans.  He had dreamed of representing the Gold Coast ever since he was a boy – the Seagulls, the Giants, the Chargers, the Crushers, and finally it comes true as he pulls on the Titans’ colours.  With the number of dreams that Jarryd has had lately, it makes sense for him to have packed up and moved closer to Dreamworld.
Since we last saw Hayne, he led his Fijian team to win the World Rugby 7’s tournament, which he starred in by playing about seven minutes throughout the week-long event, dropping balls and missing tackles so much that the four Burgess brothers are considering following their dreams to represent Fiji in a non-Olympic sport as well. 
His form obviously caught the eye of Australian rugby, and after being dropped leaving the Fijians to pursue his next dream of being a Pokemon Master, had chats with the Waratahs, who swiftly rejected the former “49ers star running back” (drink). 
What does this latest signing mean?  Fuck knows, but it has pissed off a lot of Parramatta fans, because he always said that once his NFL career never began fell apart was over, that he would return to his beloved Eels.  I can’t help but notice that the Gold Coast Titans are not the Parramatta Eels. 
I’m actually more disappointed for the Titans, to be honest.  They have really turned up this year, and have done surprisingly well for a team without any, you know, good players.  It would be great to see a bunch of idiots like that stick together for the next few years and really grow as a unit, and make a champion team – not a team of champions.  Hang on, I’m getting all Emilio Estevez on myself here quack quack quack ducks fly together!  Anyway, Hayne will no doubt put some bums on seats, but will have to shed the baby fat that his NFL days put on, lose the “kick and clap” mentality that rugby union gave him, and realise that this is not the Parramatta team of 2009 that rely solely on him to compete.  He might also want to at least pretend that he’s happy to have signed with the Titans; at the moment, he sounds like a bloke on a first date who just keeps talking about his ex-girlfriend.  
At least he can tick off another dream: to become the highest paid NRL player ever, despite, you know, not playing NRL.  Or fuck it, he’ll be back in front of the media next week after discussions with the Heat, Suns, Bulls, Roar, Firebirds and Bandits.   

The Titans are being a bit coy about their new signing.

The return of Hayne has undoubtedly taken the gloss off the other big NRL story of the year:  Parramatta’s statement writer has left his position.  

Hayne has been everywhere this week, including on last night's RBT, posing as a middle-aged Indonesian man

St George vs Broncos

Ever since a video of some unnamed Broncos players doing lines of cocaine came out, Brissy have been playing absolute balls.  For their sake, I hope that they’ve been able to find a new dealer, because they play a lot better when they’re on the gear. 

Parra vs Manly

If these two teams could talk:  “Oh, hi Parra.”  “Hey Manly.”  *awkward silence*  “Uh, how’s it going?”  “Um yeah, pretty good.  How are you?”  “Not bad thanks.  Yeah, not bad.”  *awkward silence*  “Not bad at all.”  “Yeah.”  *awkward silence*  “You?”  “Yeah, pretty good thanks.”  *checks phone*  “Sorry mate, I have to take this.  I’ll talk to you later.”  “No worries, cheers.  See you then.”  END SCENE. 

Knights vs Doggies

You kind of keep hoping that the Knights will somehow manage to bumble out another win this year, but it probably won’t be this week.  The Dogs will be (1) embarrassed that they almost got beaten by the Dragons last week, and (2) trying to stay in touch with the top four teams.  Here’s a Ripley’s Believe it or not fact for your face:  they are actually tied fourth with the Cowboys.  I have checked this twice, it stands up as admissible evidence. 

Sharks vs Mighty Motherfucking Raiders

The Hayneless Titans managed to put a big ol’ stick in the spokes of the Sharks’ BMX last week, ending their winning streak by keeping the competition leaders to a draw.  This week, the Raiders are going to go one better and do a massive powerslide right into them, knock them into the curb and then do a mono down the road.  Sorry Cronulla fans (Mrs Gallen), your slide from the top begins this weekend.

Storm vs Rabbitohs

I know I say it every week, but what the fuck is doing at the Rabbitohs this year?  2016 has been the biggest bunny massacre since Watership Down, and at least those guys actually tried to fight back.  I’ll give you a sneak preview of this game:  “Souths really need to score off this set to stay in the game…  knocked on by Burgess.” 

Titans vs Warriors

This will no doubt be the biggest crowd that the Titans have ever pulled, with reports that Hayne will pull on a jersey and have a crack with his new club.  If I was the young bloke in the team who had played the previous 21 rounds and got bumped for this prima donna to fuck up the Titans’ finals chances, I’d be pretty pissed.  Thanks for your time and captaincy, Will Zillman.  Good luck in the NFL, I guess. 
PS.  I still think the Titans will win.

Tigers vs Cowboys

Pick of the Week goes to the Cowboys for this round.  Put your first-born on it (note: Sportsbet do not accept children as payments). 

Penrith vs Roosters

The Roosters seem to be having way more fun fucking up other teams at the end of the season when it doesn’t count than they did during the actual competition when they really needed to win a few games.  I have changed my tip a few times for this one, weighing up factors such as home ground advantage, injuries, points differentials, kicking success, tackling statistics, preferred try-scoring areas compared to defensive weaknesses, but in the end I just tipped “whoever is playing the Roosters.” 

I love Wikipedia

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