NRL 2016 Round 24: Another fucking week

As the NRL rolls into its 24^th round this week, we must ponder the question: how the fuck is this season still going?  Honestly, there’s still another fucking three rounds to go before we get to the finals.  I love footy as much as the next bloke who loves footy, but this love of footy only has so much passion, and if it weren’t for the fact that Australia is officially arse-useless at playing cricket right now, I’d be wishing for an early end to the footy year so the summer sport could begin. 

But, like Kieran Foran, we struggle onwards and upwards.  Kieran Foran, for the record, is about to sign with the NZ Warriors, after he bailed on his contract at Parramatta after six games, citing “mental health issues” and a need to “get away from the game” after allegations of match-fixing were brought up.  To be honest, going to the Warriors would be about as good as it could get for Foran if the deal goes through – the whole team “gets away from the game” frequently, often during games, and no one would ever bring up questions about throwing games, as the Warriors have been giving up 20-point half-time leads for years now. 

On the field, it’s business as usual as the Cronulla Sharks and Melbourne Storm begin to choke in the lead-up to the finals.  It’s normal for teams who have a good jump on the rest of the competition to slacken off a bit and coast through their last few games (and claim it’s a “genius coaching innovation”), but they need to stay somewhat motivated so they can pick themselves up once the finals finally begin.  It’s probably a major factor in Cronulla’s previous premiership campaigns, and possibly the biggest factor in their still-empty trophy cabinet.  Regardless of their shitty tactics, imagine having 30 points put on you by the Dragons.  Honestly. 

In keeping with strict NRL traditions, Broncos centre James Roberts was involved in a late night drunken incident in Brissy during the week.  The man who once said that he has “more speed than Oxford Street” in a rare witty interview now apparently has “more booze than the Russian Olympic team” (booze = boos.  See what I did there?  Yeah, go fuck yourselves).  In keeping with strict Brisbane traditions, Roberts will not be punished for another off-field discretion, and will be allowed to play and probably come home to another storey added to his house. 

A rare photo of Steve Matai being put on report.
He injured himself on the way to the judiciary hearing  

Broncos vs Doggies

You could say that the Broncos have turned a corner and are back in the winner’s circle.  You could also say that they were lucky to beat a couple of shit house teams over the last two weeks.  You could also strap the ball onto Corey Oates with Velcro at the moment, and he’d still find a way to drop it.  Despite all of this, I’m tipping the Broncs.  Don’t question me.

Penrith vs Tigerses

Two teams duking it out at the arse-end of the year to make the finals is usually pretty good for spectators looking to see expansive football being played.  Unfortunately, the Tigers are pretty ballsed as James Tedesco is out for the remainder of the season with a broken jaw.  Tedesco’s teeth are straight from ye olde England or South Sydney.  The guy whistles when he runs; it sounds like one of those old Vortex toys.

Knights vs Titans

Some rookie sensation called Jerrod Plane or something kicked a field goal for the Titans to win in golden point last week.  Not sure where this guy has come from, but the Titans are keeping pretty quiet about him.  The word on the street is that Newcastle could cause an upset for this game, but the street has been saying that since about round 4 and I don't trust it any more. 

Manly vs Storm

This game could go one of two ways:  the Storm want to bounce back after being utterly desmolished by the Raiders last week, and flex their muscle against Manly… or they play like arse to allow Manly into the top eight so they have another weak opponent to demoralise in the first week of finals.  Even if the Storm throw this game, I still don’t think Manly will actually have the talent to beat them.  Melbourne by 20.

Cowboys vs Warriors

We all know what should happen in this game.  But we also know what could happen in this game.  In Schrodinger’s NRL, both teams win and lose by 40 points.   

Canberra Raiders Earth’s Mightiest Heroes vs Parramatta

I don’t think that it would be an understatement to say that the Raiders will rack up a cricket score in this match – and not like the current Aussie cricket team, like the full-on early-2000s Australian cricket team with Tugga and Gilly and Ricky Ponting’s goatee.  Jordan Rapana will take 4 wickets and Blake Austin will put on a blistering 60-ball century.

Roosters vs St George

Seriously, no one cares.  I can’t believe St George are still in this comp.  Here’s hoping that the bottom-feeding Roosters will just end this nonsense.  Duganwatch:  Going for 508 days without a try assist.

Souths vs Cronulla

After a couple of weeks without a win, Cronulla will want to bounce back against a disappointing Bunnies team – I really hope that they try just that little bit too hard to be dominant and end up fucking themselves.  Nothing against Cronulla, I just hate them and all that they stand for, but I'll still tip them because I don't trust Souths either.