Thursday, July 28, 2016

NRL 2016 - Round 21: Retro Round

For some reason, Round 21 on the NRL schedule is “Retro Round.”  Retro Round.  This isn’t a fucking pub crawl or a trivia night, you stupid old twats.  Why not throw in a “Joker Round” where each team plays for TRIPLE POINTS as well?  Fucking idiots running this game, honestly.
So in honour of Retro Round this weekend, the Tigers have gone back to their tried-and-true game plan of sacking their captain again, and have donked Robbie Farah back into NSW Cup for another week, leaving him stranded on 247 games for the Wests club.  That must suck.  Surely you could just sneak your name onto the match card so you get your 250 game commemorative glass at Presentation Night?  Oh, and by the way, the theme for Presentation Night this year is “Retro” because it’s hilarious. 
To be honest, I don’t really like Robbie Farah, I don’t think he has ever been NSW’s best option to play hooker in the years that he has played Origin, and I think there’s a bit more to the whole thing than “a spat between the player and the coach.”  To keep things square with the fans though, give the guy the games he needs to notch up a pretty impressive milestone, then fuck him off at the end of the season.  Maybe break it to him gently at the end-of-season trip to Bali or something, but do it on Retro Night in Kuta so he can drink ethanol while he cries into his retro afro wig.  I mean, it’s not like the Tigers are going to really do… anything… if they get into the finals anyway, right? 
In other news about players that no one really likes, Michael “The Grub” Ennis is retiring at the end of the 2016 season.  Any time that a man’s friends and teammates call him “Grub” is the true definition of a great man.  The Ennexit has shocked a few rugby league fans, who thought that he was in the best form of his life and should probably weasel out a few more years (and a couple of hundred grand, jus sayin), but he has pulled the pin.  Some say it’s a valiant attempt to inspire his Sharks teammates to spur them to grand final victory, sealing the fairytale end to his and Gallen’s career holding aloft the Winfield Telstra Cup.  Here’s hoping that that doesn’t come true. 
Others speculate that he is moving into the media side of things, as he is literate,  articulate, a keen observer of the game and will be able to offer rare insight into the sport.  Obviously he won’t be appearing on Channel 9 any time soon.
In any case, this is the most amount of media attention that hookers have had since Corey Norman’s last night out.

Roosters vs Broncos

You know, I watch a lot of football.  Many games. And you know what people say? They say, “we don't win anymore.” But believe me, at the end of this game, we're gonna be so tired of winning. We're gonna win all the time. You're gonna be sick of it. And the thing is, I just won't care. We've got to make this game start winning again, people. It's just that simple.

Bulldogs vs St George

Both of these teams should have been taken out the back and shot after their performances last weekend.  The Dawgs couldn’t put a dent on the Cowboys, and St George just keep looking more and more bereft of attacking options.  The closest thing they’ve had to a decent backline movement this year is when Dugan got the runs from a late-night kebab.  If Canterbury just keep feeding the Morris twins, they should be able to begin the end of the Dragons’ 2016 campaign. 

Warriors vs Panthers

When the Warriors vs Panthers game looks to be one of the best matches of the round, you know you’re in some trouble.  The last few weeks have seen the Warriors scramble into consecutive golden-point losses, whereas the Panthers look to be hitting some form late in the year.  Like all New Zealand games, this one could be anyone’s… but I’m tipping the Panthers, cause you have to tip someone.

Parra vs Tigers

It’s official – Parramatta’s season is gone.  They cannot make the finals mathematically, physically, psychically, figuratively, literally, metaphorically or transcendentally.  They have a makeshift half-line, their front row has been sourced from some Tongan blokes in the crowd, and their centres break like the stale rice cakes that I found in my cupboard the other day (they still tasted alright though).  When your best player is the little bloke standing on the wing, there’s not a lot to play for. 

Cowboys vs Storm

It’s probably fair to say that Melbourne have had an easy run in the comp so far – they seem to have played the shit teams more often than not, and have had a decent run through the Origin period without losing anyone to injury.  This weekend, they come up against the Cowboys – will the Storm’s powder-puff schedule come back to kick them in their flabby little arses?  Probably not.  The weather in Townsville this weekend calls for a Storm (it doesn’t really, it’s just some witty wordplay).

Souths vs Raiders WOO

Canberra are hotter than Scarlett Johansson's bum right now but face a tough run in the finals, so this game will be a mere warm-up for facing proper teams.  Souths have been horrendous lately – the Burgess drinking game of taking a shot every time one of them drops the ball has turned from a bit of fun into a sign of crippling alcoholism.  All 28 people who turned up to watch Souths vs Manly should have got a refund.  Canberra, meanwhile, love to make life interesting by interspersing dazzling attack, staunch defence, dickfingered control and shithouse tackling all within eighty minutes.  It’s fantastic.

Manly vs Newcastle

Poor Newcastle.  Poor me, having to tip Manly. 

Titans vs Sharkies

The Sharks looked completely uninspired last week as they ran through the Knights, and put about as much into the game as they would have if they had the bye, and still managed to rack up a thirty point victory though.  While everyone is (quietly) cheering on the Titans, I don’t think they’ll manage to get up over the current premiership faves this week.  Sorry Tits fans (both of you).
The Burgess fingerprint is a tricky one to take

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