Friday, May 09, 2014

NRL 2014 Round 9: Back to it

We’re back after a week off, which has given our boys time to get drunk, beat people up, be involved in sex scandals, leave their current team, sign with eight others, and in the case of one particular fuckwit, not sign with anyone to “increase drama” or “maximise impact.”  Fuck off, Benji, YOU’RE NOT THAT GOOD AND NO ONE LIKES YOU NOT EVEN YOUR MUM.   

We’re at the part of the year when everyone actually starts trying to win a game of footy, not because it’s round 9 and the team is struggling, or needs to cement themselves at the top of the table, it’s so they can be a part of the State of Origin team.  When there’s a sky blue jersey on the table, who knows what could happen?  Probably nothing, especially if you’re Mitchell Pearce, who Laurie Daley has given an “automatic selection” to.  No one in the history of the world knows why, but the most popular theory is beer flavoured nipples. 

Round 9

It’s a bit of a dick-scratcher again this week with a few tips, but I’m going to do the smart thing and analyse each game closely, taking into account statistical anomalies, player percentages, missed tackle counts, head-to-head rankings, injury reports and betting odds.  Then I’m going to put the outcomes of those against the patented Mister Evil Breakfast Sport-Result-Pick-O-Meter, which classes teams into “SHIT” and “NOT AS SHIT” and we’ll go from there.

The patented Mister Evil Breakfast Sport-Result-Pick-O-Meter.  It's patented.  

Turns out the Roosters aren’t as shit as the Tigers (only just), the Cows aren’t as bad as the horses (again, it was a close shit fight), the Bunnies will poo on the Titans, the Storm are the shittest, and everyone knows how bad Penrith, St George and the Sharks are.   

Sydney Roosters vs Wests Tigers
Nth Queensland Cowboys vs Brisbane Broncos
Gold Coast Titans vs South Sydney Rabbitohs
Melbourne Storm vs Manly Sea Eagles
Newcastle Knights vs Penrith Panthers
St George Illawarra Dragons vs Canterbury Bulldogs
Parramatta Eels v Cronulla Sharks

Game of the Round

New Zealand Warriors vs Canberra Raiders

Canberra were well and truly fucked on the last time they played – luckily it seems like it has been about eighteen years since then (it hasn’t), and everyone has forgotten how bad they are.  Well, everyone except for the Warriors, most likely.  It has been rumoured that coach Sticky Stuart is up to his old tricks and has dumped his starting forward pack to reserve grade – it didn’t work at Parra, but by gosh it might just work here – where what he really needs to do is give Terry Campese a massive boot up the arse.  What the fuck was he doing in the last game?  If I was the coach (which I should be), I’d have pulled him off quicker than Konrad Hurrell’s girlfriendand sent him home to think about what he’d done (or hadn’t done) and taken away his Playstation and iPhone. 

I have never seen such a half-arsed, defeated performance since… well, the last time the Raiders were mashed.

In any case, the Raiders have my THIS TIP CANNOT GO WRONG, DICKHEADS tip of the round, because the Warriors have been playing well the last few weeks, and since they’re the Warriors, that’s the last thing they’ll do this week. 

It’s science, trust me.  

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